I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Dear New Life,
DO NOT BE ASHAMED of what you have done! It is what HE HAS DONE that is the SHAME. I know it is difficult for you to realize now, but you need to put that SHAME to rest (and you eventually will) and FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I felt so much shame for so long (most of my life I think) for everything “bad” that ANYONE ELSE DID. I felt shame I couldn’t “fix” it for them. The shame was NOT MINE but I picked it up and made it mine. One day I saw that I needed to PUT THAT SHAME DOWN, and forgive myself. Then I started to heal better.
I had even, in my pain, struck out at those I loved who were NOT psychopaths. I had neglected my “good” sons to give my energy to my psychopathic son. I felt shame for doing that. I apologized to my “good sons” for wasting that energy on HIM, instead of giving it to them when they needed it.
I felt STUPID for being so gullible and conned. I am NOT stupid, I was gullible and being gullible is NOT ANYTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. So you quit feeling ashamed or I may have to BOINK you with the iron skillet! Laugh ((((hugs)))))
Dear Bev,
SOOO GLAD you are back!!! I must have posted to newlife right as you were posting even though the times were different, I was called away in the middle of the post to the phone. Had to listen to a long recitation of a friend’s problems with their soon-to-be-x’s psychopathic predator! (Would send this person here but they don’t have any computer or computer skills) It is nice to be able to “help” without “enabling” LOL WHAT A WONDERFUL CONCEPT, I wish I had “thought of that” 40 years ago! LOL
Yes, the Ps do show us (if we will listen) the problems that were there pre-P chaos, and that is what I am working on too. It is NO longer about them, but about ME now, so I think that is a new stage in the healing—forgetting about them and what they have done, and looking at how I can IMPROVE ME.
And, quite frankly, I had a lot of improvement to do! This part of the road to Healing, though, is a lot less rocky, less pot holes and more joy in the journey! I am starting to “smell the roses” along the way now. At first the road ran through a terrible, dark, scary place, and now it is a much better view and a less scary place and the road is smoother and the best part is I have my “lovefraud Peeps” here with me (as Janie says).
She’s popped in a few times lately and always glad to see her smiling posts!
Well, I need to get off here and get my butt in gear and get to town and do some shopping and run some errands. Gosh I hate doing that! LOL If I was rich (or my sons weren’t so busy working) I would send someone else to do all my shopping. I must be some kind of weirdo cause I HATE TO SHOP FOR ANYTHING. Well, catch you guys this evening! ((((hugs))))
Oxy, I am in a difficult space at the moment. I have been through MANY tricky and difficult situations in my life and I remember someone told me that when you tread the spiritual path – it gets more difficult as you get older. I can now tell you that is absolutely TRUE. This is my most difficult phase ever. I just wish I could be more positive.
newlife08:
It doesn’t matter that the new house is in his name alone. It was acquired during the marriage. That makes it marital property.
Part of what you have to do is what is called in law “tracing the proceeds.” He drained 240 thousand from the existing house. Your lawyer should be going into court and get a court order for him to account for where the money went. All the properties bought and sold, he should be required to account for it.
I noticed a liquor license on the list. Is this in his name? I think you’ve got leverage here. If you think you’ve got evidene of criminal fraud, I’d go to the DA. Ditto the IRS for his tax scamming. I’d also consider going to the NJ STate liquor licensing authorities. Criminal convictions or in some states allegations means bye-bye liquor license.
REgarding all those “mystery” partners and “dead” partners. He doesn’t want to tell you whom they are. Fine. He can explain it to the IRS, DA and whomever else. That should get his attention real fast. And I wouldn’t bluff him on this. I would do it.
Regarding the innocent spouse rule, you probably fall into that category. But, the key thing to remember is HE WHO WINS THE RACE TO THE COURTHOUSE WINS. Why do you think Bernie Madoff’s sons went running to the SEC? Answer: to cut a deal up front. If your S continues to be intractible, fuck him. Go and meet with the authorities.
Also, nice that he thinks that property in a corporate name escapes the marital community. If it was acquired during the marriage it steps in. The judge should be able to “pierce the corporate veil” and order him to disclose who invested in these properties, when they did so, and what their investment inverests were. More to the point, C corps and other limited liability vehicles/limited ownership interest vehicles do not require rocket science. The court can order him to convey you an interest in the properties.
I am of the view that to get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath. Turn off any emotions you have toward this creature. View it as strictly business. Kathy in a post under the name Khatalyst said that you need to view this as a fight for scarce resources. I agree.
One of the basic principles of life is when someone sics a shark on you, you sic a whale on them. I’d start with going into court and asking the court to hold him in contempt for not answering the interrogatories and not producing evidence on investors, etc. If that doesn’t work, on to the IRS and DA.
If he’s going to take a scarce resource from you (money), you take a scarce resource from him (freedom).
Bravo, Matt. One more thought, newlife08.
It sounds like he let his ego get ahead of his common sense in that deposition. Take a deep breath and understand that this is good for you. As long as he is swaggering, he’s probably making mistakes.
If you’re going to go after him as Matt suggests, try to keep your plans to yourself. Give him an ultimatum. Like “You’ve got one week to come up with the information my lawyer requested or …” (Matt, can you help with this?)
Then take action. The more he knows in advance, the more he’ll wise up to what’s going on and try to neutralize it.
He is not your friend. It’s really important for you to understand that there is nothing you can say to him that will make him do anything to that doesn’t meet his own objective. The only power you have is the raw power of investigation and enforcement that you can recruit to you cause.
You can be guaranteed that he’s going to continue to obfuscate in every way he can. He will bring in people who lie. He will hide assets and claim they never existed. He may even come up with agreements you “signed” that justify his behavior. Your best preparation is massing your forces and expecting the worst possible behavior from him.
And your best stance mentally is determination to get not just your fair share financially, but payment for pain and suffering as well. If you aim high, you’ve got some room for adjustment. If you aim for “fair” initially, you can be sure that you’ll get something less.
This is war. If you want to know what it means to become a sociopath to deal with a sociopath, here it is: You make winning your focus. That’s what he’s doing. That’s the game you’re playing now.
When we wakes up to the fact that’s what you’re doing, you can expect him to change tactics. To become concerned, to try to make you feel guilty, to question your sanity, to suggest that you’re harming you’re children. Maybe even shooing his girlfriend out of sight and trying to wriggle back into your life. If he can get you to succumb to your feelings, he wins. Just ignore it all, and maintain your focus on draining this SOB of everything that’s not nailed down, and leaving him with the debt.
I hope you have a good time with this. You deserve a little fun at his expense. (And if you can’t get into that mindframe, work on it. In the years to come, you’ll be very glad you did.)
Kathy
Hi all. WEll my adult children have had their say about my taking the S to Small Claims; they think it’s a waste of money to try to pursue something I may never be able to recover. He’s in Texas; I’m in Cali and I found out the company he so had said he works for he doesn’t. He works for a guy that works for the company so he’s getting paid via personal check. Any thoughts? Matt? Oxy? Thanks fory our input.
newlife08:
‘
One of the sad realities of divorce is that all the rules of fairplay go out the door. Also, there are parts of this battle that you may have to undertake mano-a-mano against the S without your attorney’s cooperation.
First, I would sit down with your attorney and tell him what you are going to do, since he is the one handlng your divorce. Once he’s on board, tell him how you want to play this. He may want to go with you to the IRS and/or DA. If he doesn’t, then I would call them for a meeting and go yourself. I think you mentioned you are in NJ. If I am not mistaken, the IRS’s regional offices are in Newark.’
In any case. the more knowledge you have before you confront the S, the less likely you are to get rattled.
And then, at the next meeting with your attorneys and whomever else, I would lay it out for the S very simply as an ultimatum of the “You have one week to do X, Y and Z. If you don’t I will do X, Y and Z.”
And then do it. S will probably call your bluff. If you don’t follow through you will have given up the upper hand from here on in.
ONe other thing came to me. I think you should consult with a bankruptcy attorney. I’m not saying you have to file for bankruptcy. What I’m saying is I think you would have more peace of mind if you knew what debts he could try to stick you with and which he can’t.
Also, the weird thing I’ve discovered about sociopaths is that when you slam them back really hard, it throws them off their game, because now you’re an unknown entity. And then they really start screwing up. Your S is used to ol’ cooperative newlife08. Time to teach him that he’s completely underestimated you.
Newlife: You gave me some key info. I’m going to take a different approach from our other friends, here, but I’m happy to explain my position.
With houses and mortgages, not all properties are “equal,” and you can’t just “swap” property around. You may also benefit yourself if you first decide what you want, and then go after it. And DON’T tip him off as to your intentions. Don’t signal anything to him. I also wonder — Matt & Oxy, please consider this — do you inhibit your ability to get divorced and claim your marital assets by first going to the IRS and DA? Why not get divorced first? I’m thinking strategy here.
So, here’s what I see: I don’t know what the appraisals will say, but I can guess: the properties are worth less than what you think, unless you are in some pocket of the country that hasn’t suffered the same devaluation as everywhere else. In the past two years, we’ve seen as much as 15% depreciation in each year — that suggests that the “old house” may be worth less than the mortgage. The new house was financed under his credit (apparently), so the payments are low, as he set up the financing. That means that the better house, with perhaps some equity, is actually cheaper per month — so that is an interesting possibility for a living situation. (I don’t know what rents look like in your area, but $1200 per month for a $400,000 house is pretty darn cheap.) Matt is right that the shore house is still a marital asset. I’d be interested to know what liens (obligations, judgments, etc., or credit lines) are stacked against that. And, also, the apartment buildings with the bbq business.
What I would hope to see for you is that you can carve out something that has your name only on it, and that has some satisfactory financing on it that you can carry. There may actually be a way for you to finance into the new house, and get him off title and off any financing, and that would put you into a livable house and cut the ties.
You might consider threatening to go after his business interests, get his liquor license rescinded, and so on and so forth — as a bargaining tactic. I’m guessing he’d rather keep his business interests alive, even if it meant that he lost this lovely new house and his ability to continue to insult you.
I can talk further about ways that financing operates, and why I’m presenting things this way, but I wanted you to have some things to think about.
I might have been married to this creature in a different life! I understand his tactics so well . . . I feel for you, and I want to see you do as well as you can in escaping from this mess.
Oh, one more thing — Matt? — is there a way to stop this character from continuing to encumber assets? I’ll bet he’s being very busy thinking up new ways to screw things up.
Hi Beverly: Glad to see you’re back on-line. Yes, undoing the damage they do to our lives is like peeling an onion. Layer upon layer upon layer.
On the bright side, think of us blooming, once we peel that last layer and get to the very core of who we truly ARE!
Peace.
Oxdriver: I know that everyone says I should be happy if he doesn’t see his child but I am not. Maybe I should get my mind set on that. When he first left in 4/07 he did not call to get her or see her but he took me to court for visitation and then dropped the case (after thousands of dollars spent).
He now is only seeing her once a week. I have been asking him to get her every other weekend and he says yes but he doesn’t. I guess I have to let all of this go. If he sees her he sees her if he doesn’t he doesn’t. It is for the best if he disappears. He feeds her McDonald’s every week and doesn’t bring her home until after 9:00. Her bedtime is 7:30. But he doesn’t even pick her up from daycare until almost 6:00. That is a long day for a 2 yr.old.
On another note-
After my husband left me in 4/07 I contacted everyone…politicians, talk show hosts, etc. I just wanted everyone to know. I may have been a little crazy : ) but anyway the Dr. Phil show called me a few days ago to appear as a guest. They said my husband would have to appear though. I told them he wouldn’t. He would never want anyone to really know what happened. I think I would probably be a little embarrassed also. I am a school social worker and I don’t think I would want all of my students seeing me air my dirty laundry.