I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
nic,
I have a friend who did one of these shows when her kids were small, and they never forgave her for embarrassing them. Unless there is a seriously big check involved that would enable you to pick up and restart your life somewhere else, it’s probably not worth it. If you’re thinking of embarrassing him publicly, think about what you’ll really get out of it. And think about the risks. You know how plausible they can be.
Regarding the visitations, one of my friends’s deepest regrets is involving her son’s father in the boy’s life. She had an idea that it was better to have two parents involved though her ex had been violent with her. had contributed nothing to the boy’s upkeep, and was a mean-spirited and foul-mouthed jerk. She overlooked all that to uphold the principle of two parents, and even signed papers affirming this guy’s paternity when she didn’t have to.
I don’t even want to get into what this child went through, and she was helpless to stop it. The boy died in a terrible accident in his teenaged years that was at least partly because of his father’s treatment of him. And the father, as my friend very belatedly grasped, go what he had always wanted out of the child. Access to the inheritance his parents had left to their grandson, because their own son was such as waste.
If you have the opportunity to get this guy out of your life, don’t fight it. There are other men in the world who make good stepdads. Or if one of those doesn’t show up, your kids will have a better chance of growing up healthy and sane with you alone.
Nothing you can get from this man is worth the cost of dealing with him. Look back at your own experience. You know it’s true. If he’s inclined to drift away, thank your lucky stars.
Kathy
nic: You can already see that he is an irresponsible, uncaring father, and his behavior is communicating attitudes to his daughter that are not healthy. Truly you are lucky, and she is lucky, if he is not there to give her negative lessons. The research shows that a sociopathic parent can teach those behaviors to children who DON’T have strong tendencies in that direction. Even worse, if the children DO have genetic tendencies.
I’m sure you want a little time off, but if it comes because your ex is spending that time training her in bad behavior, or making her feel unloved and unappreciated, then you will pay dearly for letting him have that influence.
I’m sorry to say this, but I definitely have had the experience to know. My ex-husband’s influence on my children has cost me decades of grief and heartache. I cannot begin to describe the pain. Count your blessings, and know that this little soul is one of them.
nic:
If I may be so bold: yes, you must change your mind set on being happy that he doens’t want to see his child. Yes it is heartbreaking but as you read the articles and the blogs, you will come to understand that NOT having his “lifeview” and pathology affect your child is truly for the best.
Also: He is using your child as a pawn to make your life miserable which is the sociopaths MAIN FOCUS>
He won’t do weekend visitation for two reasons: His weekends are for HIM. That’s his party time. The fact that it infuriates you is a bonus. Yes, the more you try to get him to see the light and care, the more he will turn and rend you.
I don’t recommend the Dr. Phil show. He will love the attention and you might get very angry and emotional and he’ll be a cool cucumber.
Much love to you and your baby.
Dear New Life,
Matt’s advice to CONSULT YOUR ATTORNEY FIRST about the IRS thing I think is a good idea.
As far as getting the divorce first—well, if you get the divorce first, then he will pull his “magic” and “tricks” and get a “juicy” divorce settlement and you will be left out in the cold. Your attorney might be able to tell you more, BUT my idea is that I would go to the IRS FIRST before the divorce so that they can ferret out any assets looking for fraud—and I bet they will find them. Even if you wait til after the divorce, they might still come after YOUR assets since they were part of the marital property.
Any earnings or business done during the marriage is JOINT property no matter whose name is on the papers.
Also, in some areas if you refuse to settle—the judge can order a sale of all marital assets and everything goes up for actuion down to your microwave and your toaster Usually for 10 cents on the hundred dollars. A guy I knew tried to screw his wife of 30 years and she made him auction everything (all his aircraft, etc.) so there are some “hard ball” things you can do. I agree, I owuld not warn him in advance what your plans are to go to the IRS etc.
As far as bargaining with him, as matt suggested, I wouldn’t even do that as he will not believe you (you’ve been a push over in the past so whatever bluff you call, you will have to go through with it anyway so I would just hit him on the BLIND SIDE and THEN maybe bargain some. After you knock the crap out of him (and him NOT expecting it) then you have leverage.
But talking to your attorney is I think a good FIRST STEP no matter what you do later. Chin up, your soon to be X hasn’t won yet! Like the cell phone company YOU HAVE THE NET WORK BEHIND YOU!!!!! (((((hugs))))) and all my prayers for you.
Wow, I’m glad I’m in sync with Kathleen Hawk and Rune. Maybe I’m learning and more sane than I thought. I have a lot of respect for their opinions and of the others.
Matt: It’s truly kind of you to give legal “insight” and help newlife and others.
Newlife & Oxy: Having a house to live in for only $1200 a month may be better than forcing an auction of everything. I know that if everything is going to burn to the ground anyway, then it makes sense to leave him with as little as possible. But I see a way here to maybe use some finesse. In our current economic climate, getting financing on anything is a huge challenge.
Figuring out how to get the house with the equity is the fastest way I can think of to still hold onto something and also have a roof over your head that you can afford. A judge may be more willing to preserve the home for you and your children, and in the process it can be a way for you to hold onto “value” that would otherwise be lost.
Well, since Oxy is worried about those who “appear and disappear”, I thought I’d check in. I was married for twenty five years to a (by my non-professional diagnosis) high-functioning borderline personality disordered individual. I read this site daily, but have not posted for about a year. I’ve seen a LCSW therapist every 2 months for three years. On the first visit, he told me to find a copy of “I Hate You-don’t leave me (Understanding the Borderline Personality)” by Kreisman & Strauss. He “got it”, I didn’t… I didn’t get it for over a year, but I did find Donna’s website and it saved me.
I went through the “splitting”, devalue and discard, betrayal, and divorce almost three years ago. Out of the “fog”, and alone for three years. Headaches and indigestion disappeared. At 58 years old, I feel better than I have in many years. I’ve walked a lot of hiking trails and beaches…alone.
Thanks for my life and sanity to Donna, Dr. Leedom, Steve Becker, Oxy, Wini, Beverly, Stargazer, Rune, Aloha Traveler, Kathleen Hawk, Matt,Indigo…my therapist Neal, and others. I have to deal with a minimum of “No Contact” as my youngest daughter is now 13 years old. My counselor says
she’ll be alright as long as I am here…and she knows she’s loved. She has a good heart.
I have four daughters from two marriages (first was bi-polar, seven years) and a step-son from the second marriage, and four grandchildren (two I see and two I don’t).
Due to fortunate circumstances, the financial damage to date has been minimal. I talk to or see my youngest daughter almost every day. The others…when they need me, I’m here, and they know it. I’m proud of all of them, and I’ve told them. I’ve made my mistakes, and recognize them. I have a new (modest, old, remodeled) house, the first new car in 20 years, and a quiet and peaceful life (except for regular doses of middle-school drama).
But as Oxy says, the “stuff” doesn’t matter. I have a good sleeping bag, a one-man tent, and am looking for a good backpack, which I can afford. The sun comes up, the sun goes down, and there is much beauty in the world.
Life is good. The “ex-BPD” showed up about three months ago, wanting to “talk”, after three years. The “boyfriend” was off “helping” his wife of 28 years. The “abandonment thing” kicked in and she tried to recycle me, and I didn’t bite. I got the “pity play” after three years and felt nothing, except a PTSD reaction for a week or two after a one-hour conversation. There is nothing there for me. Toxic.
I am now ready to step back into the world and find friendship…or love…or not. Still standing, runnin’ against the wind…Thanks again, to all, and my prayers are with you.
Peace, and hope…
Jim
Jim: That was a refreshing post… “and there is much beauty in the world”… I hope I get to that point soon, and that’s what I figure, I’m still standing, I’m still here, maybe feeling down today, but that will pass.
Jim, thanks for posting. I’ve been smiling every since I read it.
Your peace with yourself feels contagious.
Kathy
chic2-you aren’t shabby, and you’ll get there…it takes time, a few “boinks” from Oxy’s skillet…and remembering and appreciating who you are. There are good people in the world. I’ve been in pain, I’ve been down, but it will pass…listen to Oxy…a wise woman.