I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Hi Everyone,
A little summation of my story. I’ve never blogged before (except the few posts this week) so this is very new to me and feels exciting and I feel nervous.
I’ve read several “self-help” books over the years and they always mention “watch out if you have a pattern” of picking the wrong guys/relationships. I denied this for many years. I only lately have shamefully realized I have a pattern that I can no longer deny after 8, yes, count them 8, possible S/N relationships with men of varying degrees of disordered personality’s. I have come to accept the dreaded “pattern”. Facing it is half the battle and I had to overcome lots of victimization and had my world view and value system utterly destroyed at age 23 by my first husband, a “so-called” Christian man. Shook me so hard at the time I was bedridden for a month and I couldn’t even remember my middle name for an entire day. Came down with CFS symptoms that thank God rarely flare up anymore. This was many years ago as I am now 45.
It’s been great learning about how these bastards “target” loving, caring, strong people. I haven’t gone through all of the financial battles that so many of you had and I feel very fortunate on that level but I did have to go through protection orders and lies to the judge and friends that my 1st husband told in order to try to prevent me from moving out of state with our daughter back in 1988. I remember it as if it was yesterday. There we were standing directly AT the judges bench and listening to some of the twisted half truths coming out of my husband’s mouth, when I looked over at him, the whole left side of his face looked like it was slithering and falling off as if he was a snake, (sorry Stargazer, nothing bad meant, that was just how it looked to me at the time.) It was a vision or a revelation from God and it gave me strengh that I KNEW I was right and ok.
I did win my case (no lawyers, as we represented ourselves, no money) as I had documented all of his behaivor and had the forsight to send to the judge a clear consise letter of “just the dates and facts ma’am”. I also had two years of protection orders against him which, in my case worked. He actually brought letters from friends stating what a great father he was and I’m just now, right now realizing it was the “smear campaign”!! I’m also remembering that I was pretty composed and not emotional in front of the judge which I think really helped.
I have forgotten or blocked much of this over the years as I’ve moved on. It was actually the past four relationships since 2001 that I have had that sent me to researching “what’s wrong with him” after doing all I could to improve, fix, i.e. the “Barganining part 4”. But as I’ve been learning about all of this, since 2004 or 2005, I’ve only just started going “all the way back” and looking at all of the relationships and I’m pretty shocked. Doing ok, with a few shocking insights.
One of the coolest things I’ve read recently and I don’t recall where, is that when someone comes across as “charming”, subconciously, I guess I thought this was part of someone’s character!!! Then the writer said, “to charm” somone is a verb, not a character trait and you must ask yourself, “why is this person charming me?” What’s in it for them.
I guess that’s a small peice of my story for now. I’ve wondered if I should write out everything I remember about all of these relationships that I’ve tried to have. Could be a good book of red flags.
I wouldn’t have made it without this site and all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my broken but healing heart.
Hi Savannah: I have also learned a lot from this site. I seem to have the same patterns you do! Just lately I felt like I hit the wall with the last guy I’ve been seeing… why am I so worried about helping/fixing him? I like your writing! I never thought about “to charm” someone being a verb, very interesting! I would like to read more of your blogs! When I was 21 I married a man who became a Christian and then was studying to become a minister, but he became an a**hole instead! HaHa
Hi Savannah,
🙂 No offense taken about the snake comment (you must have been reading my posts….). Snakes are beautiful and amazing creatures. But when they are in human bodies…..that beauty mutates into something hideous.
It was after I joined this site that I also began looking at some of the men I’ve been most attracted to. It was particularly revealing to recognize my longest relationship was with an emotionally unavailable man. I always blamed myself for the demise of that one and never was able to reframe it till I came here and started healing from the sociopath I met last year. We all have that knowledge inside us of who we are and what we feel–what is right for us and what is wrong. It sometimes just takes time and space, and maybe even a catastrophe or two, to find it. I believe a lot of the work we do with NO CONTACT is breaking addictions. We can become so addicted a relationship at any cost that we create a situation in our lives where we have absolutely no choice but to break the addiction or die. It’s an interesting predicament. So many people go along pretty contented in life. Those of use who were played by a sociopath had to make a life or death decision at some point. We had to choose life, even though we were/are in the most unimaginable pain, and felt like we were chewing off our own right arm to do it. To me this is a form of waking up. Lots of people walk around in a fog not having much self awareness. We had no choice but to wake up from that fog.
I remember when I filed for divorce at age 24 from the man I married at 18. In front of my father, the minister who performed the wedding service, I swore: “‘Til death do us part.'” I had reached a place where I understood that either my husband would kill me or I would kill myself. I came to a point where I decided that God didn’t intend for THAT death to happen, and that I could choose life. I filed for divorce and never regretted it. That was many years ago, though, and I didn’t understand who I had married; I didn’t know what we all are coming to understand here and now.
Savannah, when you talked about charming people, you reminded me of what I used to think about my sociopath.
People said he was charismatic, but when I got to know him, I began to see it like he had an old fashioned projector in his head. He could turn it on, and it was like his energy extended out ten feet. And he would start to perform. Almost physically dancing, cracking jokes, making eye contact, flirting with the woman, telling guy stories to the guys.
And then when there wasn’t an audience, it would just off. Like someone had pulled the plug. And of course, I wasn’t an audience, so I got to see the dour, petulant, comblamer (new word) who was like a kind of black hole, instead of the blazing star he had been a minute ago.
In trying to understand the word charisma, I found glamor, which had something to do with magic. That was what he seem like, casting a magical net outside himself.
I’ve always been attracted to people like that, wishing I was like them. Now when someone puts out that kind of high-energy personna or solicits that kind of admiration, I’m put off. It’s like there’s not enough room in the room for anyone else, when they’re “on.” It feels demanding, almost needy. Or controlling.
And I just don’t want to be jacked around that way. Or made into an audience. There’s no real sharing in it. It’s all one way.
Not like here.
I’m going to bed. Good night, you wonderful people.
Somewhere along my way of learning, I was pointed toward an esoteric writer: that means she meditated and not all of what she wrote about is easy to reference. But she wrote about “Glamour: a world problem.” She described how the earth would be covered with a fog of lies, and only the sword of truth could cut through that mess.
Many times, as I’ve wrestled with the higher levels of meaning around my total devastation thanks to the S/P, I’ve thought about those teachings.
As we work here to find the truth, and figure out how to make that work in the world, I believe we are doing work that may be about “righting the wrongs” on a much larger level.
You don’t have to subscribe to the beliefs of that writer to consider that we have faced something that looks like “ultimate evil,” and our only defense is the truth.
When people are all prepared to be taken in by the “show” that Kathleen describes, then how can we talk with them? Only as we educate people about the true nature of people who look so normal, but who are motivated by such deviant mechanisms can we make a difference. And, we must do it gently, gently, or peope will believe that we the victims/survivors are the ones who lie.
I am so grateful that we have this forum to speak and wrangle and break the silence that has imprisoned so many of us.
Rune: Liars always label people who speak the truth … disgruntle.
Peace.
Oxy, Rune, Matt and Kathleen Hawk,
You folks are TERRIFIC!! How wonderful to get such a ralley of support for my situation. You cannot imagine how much your information and encouragement means!!! I tell my kids all the time that even though things are tough there are still good people in the world and God sends an angel when you need them!!
I went ahead yesterday to order my own appraisals since you all are sure I cannot trust anything he submits. I think that will be money well spent. I may have to spend $1,000.00 but if any of the properties aren’t valued correctly by his guy – well it will be worth it since there are 4 at stake and so much debt.
I was thinking this morning why I am so intimidated that I won’t get what I want or need out of this settlement. I guess it goes back to never even getting the love, companionship or affection I tried to win for 22 years.
Is it possible that if I were more perfect, never said no to sex at any time, never fought – could I have made this relationship work? The push -pull over the years was becoming more obvious – why do they bother to fake it ?
Why did he ever come back. He says to me ” I tried – I really tried to make this work” In his mind – did he try??
Is this because they are empty inside but think it is the other person and not them? He sure is making all his old moves for her now. And he didn’t even wait long enough for our children to not hate him for what he is doing. Him Being with the neighbor effects my kids with school friends, neighborhood friends, school activities – even being out in their own yard.
One more question, his family has been more than supportive over the years and even accepted the unofficial diagnosis of NPD from our counselors – but since he has filed for divorce they have turned their backs- both my MIL and SIL.
Can I bet he is doing a smear campaign and acting the victim?
It is true our daughter 15 won’t even talk to him and my son is torn in two. They are in counseling 1 or 2 times a month to vent and get a perspective on all they have witnessed and been subjected to – they are HIS victims.
God bless you all – I include you in my prayers
Newlife,
You are doing a fabulous job of parenting in the face of horrific abuse from the children’s father.
I think your grace is going to show clearly to the judge when you both finally stand before him.
Think about it this way:
Every day that you bear up under the daily abuse his lifestyle represents, you get stronger. Think of yourself as growing stronger and stronger – more self composed – more gracious – more credible. It’s true. Really and truly, his attempts to tear you down will result in your being built up. In his zeal to break you, he’s building a case against himself and for you.
You can do this Lady! You are going to win!!!
Newlife: He always tried harder than you. (NOT!!!) He was always more perfect than you. (NOT!!!)
You said, “Is it possible that if I were more perfect, never said no to sex at any time, never fought – could I have made this relationship work?” OF COURSE NOT!!! “Why do they bother to fake it ?” So that we will dance to their tune.
They are better at playing the victim than the real victim — YOU!!! and your children!!!
And when it comes to his family believing him or you at this point? Well, they haven’t done the work you have to understand this. (And notice how you still find yourself second-guessing yourself?) So his family will take the easy course and stick up for him over you.
Hang in there.
About those appraisals, though . . . can you get a market analysis from a realtor? perhaps a “BPO”? (Broker Professional Opinion) The housing market is changing so fast, I hate to see you pay $1000 for something that might be out of date in 2 months. Banks will use a BPO as a legitimate second opinion on an appraisal, and a realtor might help you for much less money.