I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Thanks, Elizabeth Conley,
I am so not liking the angry person I had become over the years. I tried to be a good wife but nothing was ever enough. I turned within myself for awhile and from him sexually. He was having affairs and not committed to me – yet this was his way of controlling me. How do they come from another woman right back into our bed the same day???
Why does he see me as worthless ……
I have to become whoever I was supposed to be before I tried so hard to please – I am missing a balance between a woman who can love and give – and one who gave too much and didn’t recognize abuse.
I was so happy sometimes when he gave me crumbs that I could be loved by someone so exciting and accomplished and yes even sexy, handsome – is this the spell they cast to get what they want?
Dear Newlive,
I agreee with Elizabeth, you are doing a fabulous job i n all this chaos and trouble. Keep on praying! Keep on trusting your faith.
Yes, he is doing a smear campaign, and yes, they will (usually) go with the family member against the in-law, and yes, your kids are victims,
NO! you could not have made it work. NO he was not trying, he was only pretending to TRY, his intentions were ALWAYS for him and HIM ALONE. A toxic N or a P (and the line between them is a “fine one”) will always use and abuse others while every once in a while “pretending” to be “nice” because if they were mean 100% of the time, they would lose their victim. They beat you to the point of rebellion, then REEL you back in like a fish with their false promises of “trying” etc.
It is from the psychopath’s “play book”–the details may be different but it is the SAME OLD MANUVER, nothing “original” at all–most of us here have jokingly wondered if we were dating or married to THE SAME MAN/WOMAN!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW! You are now seeing the light and using your strength for YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS instead of wasting it trying to “teach him to love.” He is INCAPABLE OF LOVE, CARING, BONDING. Their brains are hardwired as predators just as a wolf is a predator and you can’t stop it from chasing and killing things in its path just because you feed it and “domesticate” it, it is a PREDATOR AND SO IS HE. His new woman is just another VICTIM she just doesn’t know it yet BUT SHE WILL. Believe me, she WILL know his wrath and abuse. He will do her just as he was doing you.
I am so glad for your sake that you found lovefraud, and you are right, it is an AMAZING community of people who DO CARE and who have walked on the same bed of coals barefoot that you have been walking on. There are people here who are just like you, starting out on the road to healing, and people who have been here for a long time, but you will gain from each of the people here—caring, support and advice if you want it. It is YOUR life, and YOUR decision on how to use that advice and that is unique and individual, but ALL THE ADVICE IS GIVEN WITH LOVE AND CARE, so please don’t ever be offended if one of us says something that you are not ready to hear yet.
Your path will not always be easy, and you will have days when you feel like you have fallen into the abyss, but come here and post and there will be someone there to care. Hugs and prayers always! You GO GIRL!!!!!
Someone recently posted here, at LF, that nobody is ever judged for their experience, comments or ANYTHING at all, that this is a safe healing place. And thankfully this is where I choose to heal the most by reading and reading and rereading…
That being said, I had a breakthrough this morning. All of these thoughts came pouring out of me and so I feltl compelled to put it in writing and share what came from it… which is..If I were to have five minutes with my S, on his judgment day, this is what I would choose to say….
In the beginning I thought it was because of you,
that I loved and was so in love….but it was because of me!
It was becasue of my love for myself and my ability to
care and give and be there for you that I was able to
feel beauty, joy, passion and love.
In the middle I thought it was because of you,
when we had our first red flag, second and third,
that we made amends because of you apologies
and charm…but it was because of me!
It was because I am blessed with the ability to forgive,
to find peace and to accept that people make mistakes..
But I can truly give only one chance with my
friendship and love being subjected to pain and disrespect.
In the end, I thought it was because of me,
that everything fell apart,
that you verbally abused me, that you shut down, that you left.
But it was because of you!
It was because I stopped following your rules, it was because
I stopped letting you take advantage of me,
It was because I said NO MORE to you,
It was because I loved ME that ultimately
allowed me to see you for who you really were!
You were my lesson about
evil and lonliness in the world – and if you dont love yourself,
you cant ever give or receive love. Its merely lovefraud. 🙂
Thats not who I am nor will ever be. That who you are.
Thank you for the lesson that when you love yourself, esp. when it comes to respect, you never give a second chance. The first red flag is a gift from god. Dont collect them. Take it and run!
Thanks for the lesson.
DEar Learned the lesson,
ME THINKS THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED THE LESSON!!!
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND THANK YOU FOR SHARING….it should be our anthem for lovefraud!!!!
It brought tears to my eyes, and applies to every one of my Ps and my relationship, from my biological father to my psychopathic son and the “man of my dreams” (nightmares!) Thank you again! You expressed it so eleoquently! (((HUGS)))) and my prayers for your continued healing and growth!
Ox Drover
Thanks so much. You are right – there are days I feel I am just so low and miss him – and days where his personality is becoming so clear. He made all of us wait the last five years to live in that new house. And now he took it. Everytime I would start to pull away to protect myself and ask more questions – he would go silent and stop working on it.
Then, when he was ready – he would start again, bring us over, have us drool over what he did for us – we would buy more stuff for the place – only to cycle again and again.
I started calling the tour ” The walk of death” after awhile – this reaalyu pissed him off.
He told my kids to pick yile for their bathroom – oh how excited they were – and he went and used whatever he wanted. They wanted a “Fish” inspired bathroom and all the stuff is in their closet here. My son was only 4 1/2 and he picked out a “Big Digger” bed set. The cover, curtains, rug, pillows, wall hangings,clock etc – painted his room grey and yellow . He is now 10 and I don’t think he even wants to look at the stuff – maybe we’ll find a little boy that would enjoy a whole new room.
My son doesn’t have a room here – he has a bed in my room.
No place to call his own while his DAD rattles around in the new place with his girlfriend coming and going.
So my heart breaks not just for me – but for them too.
My daughter is 15 and her room is the size of a side study in this house.
I fear she will go to college and never have had the experience of her own room, with a closet and a door – privacy.
The up side is that since he is not with us – I don’t have to cater to him anymore.
So – daughter is in MArching Band and percussion winter band.
Son is in wrestling and soon baseball. We didn;t do these things before – we are on the run now and they are having a
childhood. He discouraged these kinds of activities but now he shows up at everything = he has become DISNEY DAD —and we had to beg him for time before – and never got it.
You are right – I have found a great place here. When I stopped asking God to fix my marriage – I asked Him to reveal to me what I was not seeing . It only took Him 2 weeks to put me in a place where I would see him with his girlfriend. And then the evidence of what he was doing just kept coming and coming – my son saw her calls, my daughter was given a bag with the Skanks shopping receipts still in it , text messages were come across by daughter on cell.
I am not sure why God allowed the kids to see so much – maybe to help them see the truth too.
And now the financial unfaithfulness is coming to full light.
and he calls me the LOW-LIFE. I never even entertained another mans attention s and I have worked with many men around me all my life. He was one of them and he knew I was a Good Girl type.
Even a few of his closest friends see him now for what he is and are looking out for me and the kids – of course he owes them money too.
I would like to ask ya’ll your opinions on something VERY painful.
I read the book OXy–Women Who Love psycopaths–
and you know– I had gotten out my highlighter– but if I had used it– I would have been higlighting the entire book. It was so right on. Yes– I know who and what this evil entity was.
I am seriously depressed– was put on Prozac this week (I have my doubts)
anyway– my discard was in early Oct of this year and why, why, why am I
even last nite– or today– cuz all I do is sleep right now–
why am I dreaming about him and frantically trying to ‘win him back” or be a good girl and get him to “fall in love with me/like it was n the luring stage” again?
I am wanting my psyco back in my dreams!! Yes– I truly loved the fantasy– the fake person-
but if I know who and what he was–
why am I painfully dreaming about getting him back????
When will this stop?
It is a living hell to be honest.
Akitameg: I’ll answer this question for you. It’s really simple. You want him to love you, the way you can love him. Except, he isn’t focused on loving anyone, not even himself.
We say NO CONTACT … so you can clear your mind so you can read and learn how selfishness is the focus of the person you are involved with. It doesn’t matter if they are selfish due to drugs, drink, money, power (manipulation), pornography, food, other women, lying … it’s still an addiction that only the person addicted to it has to acknowledge, then work through their own pain to escape it’s clutches on their life. You can’t do it for him.
Peace.
akitameg;
I think that you are #3 in the above info from Donna. Obsession. Hang in there. We have all been where you are and it is quite normal-even though it feels “crazy”. Remember it is a crazy makin’ situation. It has not been that long for you either. So you found out you are one of the women that love psycopaths- you are kind and caring and you recognize that fact. That is a start. You will learn a lot more about yourself if you stay open to it and do not judge yourself so harshly. I had to “walk through the pain”. the exercise helped me to sleep more soundly and increased those good brain chemicals. It gave me some re-direction and relief. It will stop and get better. It does feel like a living hell. I always say when you’re going through hell- KEEP GOING! You are in my prayers. Take care.
Oxy – Thank you. I am learning, learning to love myself again, respect myself again, find myself again after many years of giving myself away in so many ways, up to and including financially. I get that while I displayed a healthy nature in the relationship, he did not, and I got in way over my head in TRYING to keep up with an unhealthy view, attitude and perception of what a kind, caring, giving, reciprocal relationship really is, and should be. Certainly not all amazing wonderful times (of course there are to be bumps in the road in every relationship) but certainly not ones that make you question yourself daily as to why your partner isnt kind, caring, giving or reciprocating on any healthy level except when he NEEDS OR WANTS something or when you indicate youve reached your limit and their charm is turned on. (temporarily:)
AKITAMEG – I HAVE BEEN EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE – VERY CONFUSED, VERY DEPRESSED, VERY MUCH A LIVING HELL. ITS ONLY BEEN 4 MONTHS FOR YOU. PLEASE DONT BE HARD ON YOURSELF. ITS QUITE NORMAL TO HAVE DREAMS AND DESIRES TO WANT HIM/WIN HIM BACK. ITS JUST IMPORTANT NOT TO ACT ON THEM. TO LET YOURSELF FEEL AND EXPERIENCE THE ” AFTERSHOCKS” OF BEING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT WAS THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS. BUT YOU SAY YOU KNOW WHO AND WHAT HE WAS – SO THAT IS WHERE YOU MUST STAY FOCUSED WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE :! WRITE LISTS OF ALL THE AWFUL THINGS, READ MORE BOOKS, SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS HERE – JUST DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE UNHEALTHY EXPERIENCE YOUR CORE IS CRAVING BECAUSE THATS ALL IT HAS KNOWN WHILE YOU WERE WITH HIM. MOST IMPORTANT IS NO CONTACT. WRITE A LETTER TO HIM AND SEND IT TO LOVEFRAUD, JUST TO GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. YOU ASKED WHEN IT WILL STOP? THE MOST AWFUL PART HAS STOPPED – YOU ARE AWAY FROM HIM AND GETTING HEALTHY AGAIN. IT WILL STOP COMPLETELY WHEN YOU ARE READY. THERE IS NO HURRY, GO EASY ON YOURSELF, YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT. JUST BEING HERE AT LF IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, AND THE MORE YOU READ AND TAKE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (A WALK, A WARM BATH, A HOBBY YOU ENJOY) THE LOAD GETS LIGHTER AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOULL START TO REALIZE WHAT YOU THOUGHT WERE DREAMS ABOUT HIM = IN REALIT WOULD REALLY BE A LIVING NIGHTMARE AGAIN BECAUSE SOCIOPATHS DO NOT EVER CHANGE. BUT U ARE CHANGING AND GROWING… Hang in the there. Whats the next book you are going to read?
Stargazer; I read about your “ball shootin” snake forum take over. What a SNAKE! I think that he is trying hit you where it hurts. He wants to weaken your support- typical. I would not leave the site. I would completely ignore him and not respond to anything having to do with him though. You might warn your friends that “there is a snake” amongst us. LOL He will get bored quickly and move on to some other victim. Remember,He does not have the power over you- You get to decide how you want to react. If he does not get the reaction he wants- he will find it else where. I really hate for you to give up something that means so much to you and seems to be a great network of support and friends. Hang in there “ball buster”!