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A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Laws and courts / A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

February 16, 2009 //  by Donna Andersen

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Legal Abuse SyndromeI clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.

I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.

It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.


Eight steps to recovery

The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.

Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.

Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.

2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.

Protocol works

I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.

Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.

When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.

Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.

Legal Abuse Syndrome in the Lovefraud Store.

Category: Laws and courts, Recovery from a sociopath

Previous Post: « After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 4-Bargaining
Next Post: RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: Online predators aren’t who they say they are »
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Stargazer
16 years ago

Good morning, homeys. I have decided to return to my reptile site. I have something very funny to post over there. My friends and I are devising a plan for exposing the S if he shows up around there again posting pictures of his bogus snakes. It’s a little risky for me and could backfire in a few different ways. But I feel strong enough to cope, with the help of my supporters over there, and the moral support of you guys. I refuse to let that bleepity bleep drive me off my own site.

I also jointed a meetup up group. Someone here (I think libelle?) recommended it to me. I will be going to a Scrabble meet on the 1st. I’m looking forward to it because no one to date has ever beat me at Scrabble. I’m hoping to find a worthy competitor.

This was such a great suggestion to join meetup.com. I recommend it to anyone who needs to just get out of the house and do something. They have groups for everything. Except, of course, no snake lovers.

learnthelesson
16 years ago

So when are you starting the first snake lovers meetup.com group??! You Go Stargazer!! And be very careful about dealing with the S on the reptile site! If he shows up around there posting pictures of his bogus snakes, you may want to simply ignore him. Your goal is not to be driven off of your own site. So sit tight, enjoy the site and let him make his own snake bed to lay in!!!!!!

Stargazer
16 years ago

Learn: You have to be a paying member to start a meetup group (are you the one who recommended this? Like to give credit where it’s due). I am broke and cannot afford to do it right now.

Yes, I will be careful with the S. I will not post directly on his threads, and my friends will only mention his fraud and not what he did to me. I think if enough reputable members expose him, the community will believe us. This is what will make or break the plan, whether people believe us.

learnthelesson
16 years ago

yes.. it was my suggestion…I didnt realize it required a financial commitment. So scratch that suggestion! Best of luck with the reptile site, so glad you found a way to stay connected with them!

swehrli
16 years ago

Oxy where in the Bible is that story? I need to read it. LTL: Love your poem. Helped me not be so hard on myself. I have one for you that I do not understand. On Thursday I got a call from the S starting the “I’m going to see you lose your job” and I actually HUNG UP!!! I also got two emails from him; one saying Revenge is mine bitch and the second about “leave me alone”…ok now. The only contact I had was to tell him his daughter needed him. Now it’s “Leave me alone or “he’ll press charges”? I don’t get it. Is he that nuts? I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING!!! I don’t even know if I want to go after him in court anymore.

Ox Drover
16 years ago

Dear Swehrli,

Which Bible story? I couldn’t find the post you were referring to. Let me know and I will find it for you this evening or tomorrow. If it is the one about Jesus telling his apostles to not even eat with a person after they had been warned and rewarned, I am sure it is in one of the gospels because it is Jesus talking and in a “red letter” bible it should be easy to find, or one of the on-line “look up Bibles” If that is the story you are talking about St. Paul also says about the same thing about how to handle “trouble makers”—-people twist the “turn the other cheek” and other passages about how we should act into Christians being “passive” and not resisting those that persecute us. Re-reading the Bible without my egg donor’s influence, I see though, that even Jesus recommended that his apostles run from persecution, flee to another safer place. My interpretation NOW is that we are not to be passive door mats, saying “hit me again” when someone slaps our face, but to try to calm down the situation by not IMMEDIATELY STRIKING BACK, but it doesn’t say a word about lying down and letting them kill us because we won’t “strike back.”

The story of King Saul trying to kill DAvid (1 and II Samuel) is a perfect example to me of how we should be. David got the heck out of Dodge and went and hid, and even 3 times he had a chance to kill Saul when Saul was not aware he was nearby, but didn’t kill him. Saul is the “perfect” psychopath, BTW, and keeps trying to LURE David close enough to kill him by saying “I love you” etc. and promising not to hurt him, all the while plotting to kill him.

YES HE (your P) IS THAT NUTS!

NO CONTACT means no, none, nada, zip, zero—-either way. Do not receive any contact, do not initiate any. RESIST all contacts. If you have children together, do it all through an attorney. If he has visitation, let a third party pick up and drop off the kids, do not have contact with him. If he has an emergency message, call his attorney, NOT HIM.

It is SO IMPORTANT that you do NOT have any contact because as long as you are having contact HE IS IN CONTROL. When you have NC YOU are in control.

ALSO: Save those threatening e mails and any voice mails etc. that are threatening.

You also said “I don’t even now if I want to go after him in court any more.” THAT IS HIS PLAN to drive you NUTS so you will not take him to court. So you might want to decide just how vital the “money” or whatever is and realize you will pay for it in “blood” and “grief” even if you get it, and even if you get a judgment you may not actually get the money.

Hang in there! This is “Psychopath’s Playbook page 24, paragraph 3.” In other words, typical P crap!

swehrli
16 years ago

Yes, that was the story in the Bible I was referring to. I’ll look it up. And, thanks, for the reply post. It does help. 🙂

Stargazer
16 years ago

Oxy, do you think it’s dangerous to return to my internet forum? The S dropped in on the 14th and got some confrontation on his thread. He has not been back. Do you think it’s possible to hang out there and ignore him? I would really like to hear your thoughts on this, especially since you know the whole story.

libelle
16 years ago

Dear Star. I hear you want very much to go for the snake site.

Maybe, if you look at it as getting anti allergy shots? Getting permanent Immunity for your Anti-P-Allergy? It is a dangerous treatment to begin with, you have to be very careful not getting an over reaction. You haev to be very attentive and observe the reactions very closely. But it is manageable. In reality, for hay fever for instance, we do this treatment in our intensive care unit!

But if you feel like doing it, I think GO FOR IT! The worst that can happen is another draw back to “field one” , and this will pass too, and THEN you know for sure that NC also via Internet is VITAL for you. (as I did HAVE to send my final stupid letter against better knowledge. No second guessing any more on this subject!).

It is very embarassing feeling inhibited by the X’s willpower over our minds still after all that time, not to go places, not dare to think or dream, feeling strange things emerge out of the blue because some trigger was pulled (song, situation). Maybe the confrontation is a good thing?

I hope things will turn out in the best possible way for you. I am also curious what Oxy has to say on this topic!

Stargazer
16 years ago

People who don’t know an S will say I shouldn’t let him control me and I should go back. But we all know here how dangerous and destructive these types are. Thanks, libelle, for your feedback.

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