I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Hello Everybody – I ‘ve been reading the posts and noticed pb asked about me – Thank you! It’s nice to be missed.
I’ve been very busy at work, but have been keeping up with posts. It’s nice to see Star so active again, and to read about newcomers Learned and DJ.
Although I’ve been reading, I just haven’t had anything to say (this is probably a relief to some 😉 ) After going through a really rough PTSD phase in early January, I’ve been thinking about him less often – either in a sad or angry way. I still think about him, but not nearly as often, and not with the same emotional charge.
A close girlfriend of mine, as well as my therapist, both commented early this week that I “looked different,” in a positive way – more relaxed, more confident. And I feel different.
I don’t what it was, but something toxic bond has been broken. I’m not out – and I still feel sad sometimes, and angry sometimes, but its much much better.
I think the passage of time, a lot of reading and posting on LF, as well as more focused work in therapy (after she and I got on the same page) has really helped.
I’m still here with all of you, however, I love to read your words, and I send love and support through the airwaves.
Yay, HH!!! So glad you are doing so well!!!!
hi everyone, im brand new to this site although i have been a dedicated reader for years. im in th n/c phase after going through an addiction/trauma program supposedly the best in Canada and yes i have confirmation of ptsd , trauma bonding, Stockholm Syndrome as well as adult ADHD. Even after all the lengths i have gone to in order to detach from this toxic person i still find it hard to accept the harsh reality that people like this do exist. I have also come to find that his daughter whom i have been trying to help with a serious drug problem is like him as well and that the addiction is just a symptom of deeper issues as she is exactly like her father. I want so badly to get on with my life and to not have had this all happen but the reality is we will never be the same after these experiences. All the best from Canada
Well folks, I’m going to Louisiana, TX, and maybe home to MS on Mar 12 – just a short 7-day trip. I have a sister in Shreveport – I’ve only met her twice, but she’s bought me a ticket to come to her reunion for her husbands family.
Heh! I’m genealogically connected to her husband without her – HAHA! (freaking hillbillies). He’s from the same county in MS that I am from.
I feel a little better today, but I know better than to think things are okay…it comes in tidal waves and then a tsunami hits me about once a day. Yeesh!
Ox darlink, I have all the time in the world…unfortunately, it’s money I don’t have. If I can find reading material online, I read, but buying books is completely out of the question at the moment.
I do have genealogy studies to do, a bit anyways. They just posted a new course for me after months of no studies being available.
As for the PI thing, I have to go to school and then work under a licensed PI for two years before I can be licensed myself – no direct apprenticeship route, sadly…but I’m all over it ASAP!
Oxy and PB–
I can’t believe how much I can relate to what Oxy just wrote PB.
NOthing makes me smile– or exited or anything.
I did smile today however– not sure if this would help you– but I went to a dog park. where folks just bring their pups and they run all over.
some dogs just came on up to me for a quick hello, and pet and it made me smile! I was shocked. Unconditional/nonjudgemental love from smiling dogs. Nothing could be better.
PB– I began antidepressants last week. My friends are like– when will you be meg again? That makes me more angry!! i never chose to be this way- I swear. I feel robbed not just of my home and job and dog and warm southern state and man of my dreams AND HEALTH AND HOPE and great love/sex life and hopeful future–
but– my insides have changed. My spirit and soul feel dark and lifeless and this is not good.
PB– I am going to pray and send good vibes to YOU since I am not doing it well for me.
I have a contact fantasy guys– not good. Today’s thought was of contacting him thru email– from a different address and telling him I was a friend of Megs– kind of hint that she is doing well- (That she can eat hot wings now– something he literally put me down for cuz of my reflux not long b4 his discard– saying, “My exwife and I used to have so much fun together eating different and spicy foods, but i can’t with you.”
THen I would tell him– what an ass he is for hurting such a caring, giving, loving girl. You know– the girl he knew who worked for Hospice and Alzhiemer’s with her music as they were dying quite often.
Yeah PB– I do not even want to do my music anymore. It’s like I do not have the soul spark. For now I will look to the dogs for glimpses of light.
kindheart48 – I’m in the same boat – we all are. I mistook my N’s narcissism for an alcohol problem…and no, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at people the same way either.
Where or what is this program you have just finished? Is it a technique or something only available at a specific place? I too am in Canada and am beginning to wonder if there’s anyone in my town that really gets it.
HH thanks for dropping in. I’d hate to think an ex got to someone and I was worried.
Hello Kindheart: Welcome to the club, The initiation rights are hell, but apparently you passed!
I’m interested in the trauma course you took in Canada. I’ve wondered about programs that might be of benefit to those of us in “this club.” If you’ve been reading awhile, you know that this community is pretty uniformly nice people who try to help others. I wonder why the predators targeted us?! (ROTFLMAO, as Oxy would say.)
Anyway, you can expect to find support and encouragement here. I look forward to hearing what you’ve found that might be of benefit.
Welcome Kindheart and congratulations on beginning your healing. It really is a rude awakening that people like this exist.
Akitameg,
I was thinking about you an hour ago because that song “Angel” came on the radio. I am hoping to see a video of you singing that some day. I’m sorry you are in so much pain. You are still grieving and still in shock from all the trauma you went through with a particularly nasty sociopath (yours makes mine look like Ghandi). It took a long long time for me to start getting any enjoyment out of life after the S. You were with yours for much longer, so please be patient. It will get better. The things you can do for yourself are: try not to eat too much sugar or caffeine (or alcohol), and try to get enough sleep and exercise. And keep talking–to us, to a therapist, to anyone who will be SUPPORTIVE of what you are going through and not minimize it. Your sociopath really did a number on you, but I promise those horrible things he said about you have nothing to do with the beautiful person you are. Your beauty is still there, even when you are depressed, even though you don’t feel it. You will some day.
A big hug to you.
Welcome Kindheart! This is a safe and loving place.
It is really difficult to believe, isn’t it? I still shake my head sometimes and ask “How could he have done that? How could he have possibly done that?” But then I remind myself that I will never understand, I will never be capable of putting myself in his shoes. They’re monsters – of the worst kind, because they make us so attached and bonded to them, and abuse us so badly.
Meg & pb, I’ve been reading your posts and feel for you. This is such a horrible, gutwrenching, lonely, experience. And longing for him, when you know what he is, feels like such a betrayal to yourself. Today I was at the car dealership getting my car serviced, and it it occured to me that he and I use the same dealership, as I walked in. Suddenly I got so scared that he might walk in, and was trying to will the mechanics to work quickly. But then there was a part of me that hoped he would walk in. I wanted to see his face. And I got shared that maybe if I did see him, I would want to touch, him, laugh with him, kiss him. That REALLY scared me. I hate him. I hate what he did to me. And maybe the bond is still there to some degree? Seriously, this guy repulses me, but I think I would be really confused if I saw him face to face. That scares me.
No contact, no contact, no contact, no contact.
akitameg: I was on anti-depressants but doc thought I was okay once I had figured out the N. I’m starting those back up on Monday.
I can still smile and get excited, and I have my wonderful cat – who just made me chase him all over a golf course when he jumped out of my truck (he likes driving)…but I need distraction.
Contact fantasy? Heh! I fantasize about the day he sells his house. He listed it at 579 and 4 1/2 months later it’s now down to 528, and still no one is buying. That house was his last vestige of the “wife, home, and family man” joke. He’ll end up in a nice rental I’m sure, but the facade including his home were all he had. He owes almost all of it too.
He’ll be as I said in another posting, “Nothing but a wrinkly old drunk, in a rental unit, with nothing to offer but a mouth full of lies, a fist full of Cialis, and a line of credit.” I’d so love to say that to him then.
Regardless, I will raise a glass of milk to him on that day, and maybe take the last of his stinking budweisers out from the back of my fridge and pour them out.
Wini: thanks! I realized I was thanking the wrong person for the reading suggestions