I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Thank you once again Donna. I know I will benefit from this book, as yes I expect to soon be in court etc.
A fundemental aspect of people “not hearing” is I believe the dogma that we all want to cling to that “there is good in everyone”.
It seems downright nasty to try and dissuade a freind from that conviction. Especially if they have been charmed by our PSN. If they have sensed our trauma and unease. If they have seen us practically fall apart. While the predator is calm and composed, rational sounding, unflustered.
The way I see it is if, we, the victims, could not see it, while directly in the flighpath of the PSN, how can our freinds or family, who after all are cultivated as allies by the P, possibly be expected to get it?
People want to be fair, and they understand that a relationship in chaos has the proverbial “two sides”. It goes entirely against the grain to hear only the victims side, and not assume there is another side to the coin. We risk sounding hysterical, or like whiners etc.
We are lucky if we have one or two people who “get it” ..and we are lucky to have LF.
For some unkown reason, even though I was very needy and wanting support, I chose not to tell my story to my freinds. It would have been to “fantastic”, as in must be a fantasy (the bad kind). I kenw they absolutely would not believe me, and I would create fodder for the gristmill so to speak, with my incredible tale. (It was incredible, even to me)
That turned out to be a good choice, because I was able to deal with my recovery without any ones second guessing, and people make up their own stories in any event, based on their filters and prejudices. Time has proven to be on my side, as the ex P has pretty muched ceased getting any supply from the people close to me, and has demonstrated his callous disregard for his family, freinds and so on.
Having said all that, I am convinced that if I did volunteer my story, even now, it would be heard with scepticism, grain of salt, she is angry, he has moved on type of thing.
Are my freinds shallow and insensitive? No. Just conditioned to be fair minded and balanced. They do not know a P close up.
And that is a good thing.
Peace
Thank you, Donna, oxdrover, alohatraveler….
It’s good to be reminded that there is a long journey one takes in order to “see” and “believe” the sociopathy in someone I loved. It took me years. So it does not surprise me that there are many people who have not made that journey and resist hearing information that contradicts their belief systems.
EXACTLY Alina…
“iformation that contradicts their belief systems.”
That is it in a nutshell.
And when our beliefs are tested, it is very confronting.
What would it mean if we (they) gave up what we (they) believe to be true about people?
I’be been reading this blog for over a year and find it incredibly helpful. Today’s post was particularly well timed. I am definitely at the point where I am struggling with deshaming. Thank you for reminding me that I was wronged.
I am so grateful for the fact that technology allows us to find kindred spirits.
Oxdrover your post resonated particularly as I sometimes even feel shame about needing validation! Talk about a catch 22 indeed!
Oxy, Once again, you speak to my soul! I have written these very words! I do Count! My feelings are important! I too have discussed with my 25 year old son about boundaries. Yes, you will find VALIDATION here on LF! Thank God someone believes us. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and kindness always. It means so much to us all.
Donna. although I hate that you had to experience the devastation of a Sociopath, I am so grateful that you have educated so many others with your knowledge and dedication to Love Fraud. It has been a “life saver” for me. Much appreciation to YOU!
This is really true, and it explains what I went through. The shame!! The obsession!! Luckily it has been a year and I feel neither of them anymore. I am in the recovery stage now. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of work. The feeling I have now is superiority to my abusers. I feel higher in status and like a saint or mother theresa in comparison to their vagrant unwholesome yuck. I never feel superior to people. I love all people usually. It is a strange feeling for me, but it’s what I feel none the less. I’m not sure what stage I am in, but it’s waaaaay better then the stage of humiliation and obsession. Best of luck in healing to everyone!!
Dear ((((Bird)))))
I am so glad to hear your positive post!!! I have missed updates from you but I continue to pray for you and send you and the Baby Bird my warm wishes.
YOU ARE SUPERIOR TO THEM! It isn’t arrogance to feel that way, it is reality. So many times we are taught that “all people are equal” and that is so far from the truth! People are only “equal” (or should be) before the LAW. Otherwise, we are not. some are shorter, some taller, some more talented in this or that, and some kinder, sweeter, more caring, etc. but we are not in any way “equal” or the same.
The truth is:
There is NO tooth fairy.
There is No Easter Bunny.
It does NOT take two to fight.
There are NOT two sides to every story that are both valid.
There is NOT good in everyone.
Some people are EVIL personified.
NOT everyone can be “helped”/reformed/fixed/understood.
Everyone is NOT equal.
I AM BETTER than a psychopath.
my dear Bird, you are in the HEALING STAGE, the GROWTH STAGE, and you are becoming stonger and more powerful every day. Stay on that road to Healing. I have tears of joy running down my face for you. You have accomplished so much in such a short time and I am as proud of you as if I were your mother! And proud FOR you! You are an AWESOME young woman! Baby Bird is fortunate to have such a womderful, strong, wise warrior-woman for his mother!!!! (((((Bird and Baby Bird)))))) Love from Auntie Oxy!
I have been observing, reading, taking this wonderful site “all-in”…trying to apply it to my story. Some days I can, others I find myself struggling. In my quest to be completely honest with myself, I find myself looking back and realizing that I, too, displayed behaviors that were not that of a true lady. Granted, they were all based on reactions to his actions, but still they added to a completely dysfunctional relationship. While my primary goal is to heal, I also want to learn about my part in this and improve WHO I AM. Not to be mistaken for not putting the blame where it belongs – on the S – but to painstakingly take the time to delve into who I am, who I became and who I want to be. I am struggling with my part in the past 4 years (or does the age old addage “it takes two” not apply to relationships with P/S? If I am as honest and open and vulnerable as I can be – I partook in behaviors that would clearly be defined at times as being deceitful, mean, cold, etc. I am struggling to understand was it a result of the S dysfunction that I adapted in such a negative dysfunctional way or do I have a disordered personality as well? Im very confused..and almost did not post, but truly want to learn the lesson on the past 4 YEARS with a relationship w/someone who took my money (yet I gave it/and at times offered it!) who stole my in-laws money (they had to go to court) and who I allowed to continue to stay in my life to “try to help”.. now Im the one who needs some “help” healing. I would have never thought Id be here…but Im glad I am. Thanks for listening.
Thanks Ox! I couldn’t have done it without you and this blog. It would have destroyed me. Thank you!!! Baby bird is doing really good!