I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Guys, I just got back from the auction, didn’t stay long and only spent $29.50 (plus bought some of the great ice cream they sell there) some old windows to use in my new soon-to-be greenhouse. I am collecting old windows and I got a truck load in good condition for $10!!! Plus had a short outing, but oh, so window and chilly! Saw the X-DIL there and I am really stoked that I did NOT emotionally react to her! IN fact, she looked awful and I kind of did “get off on” that a bit (shame on me! hee hee) Naughty, naughty, Oxy! BOINK! ROTFLMAO
Anyway, has been a great day and I love to get bargains, and had visitors over and got to see smiling faces and sweet little kids here (soooo well behaved age 5 and 18 months) my little doggie loved the baby and even snuggled up to him when we put the baby on the carpet for a nap!
My long time friend is buying my son C’s car (we were planning ot sell it) so that is off our plate of things to do which is pretty long now with the shed roof partly blowing off. Plus I called an old friend and arranged to buy some milk goats from her (my son C is allergic to cow milk and I have developed lactose intolerance in my old age and we are both “milk-a-holics” and with goat milk $4 a quart at the store, squeezing teats is cheaper and my Border Collie will SMILE when he sees them unloaded from the truck since he hasn’t had his own goats in a while! Just silly little things of “every day life” here on the NUT FARM, Hey I think I just renamed my farm!!!!! LOL But still it is a wonderful day, a PEACEFUL DAY. A calm day! a HAPPY DAY! I even got my hair trimmed for the first time in months and put on make up when I went out and a new shirt I got at the Goodwill that everyone really likes and says looks great on me! Glad my X-DIL saw me looking so well! hee hee Bad girl, Oxy! hee hee
HH- Also glad you are doing so well. For awhile I was worried what my reaction would be. NO MORE. Which is a great relief. It would just be to look him up and down with contempt and walk away. I am still conscious of a desire for him to know how well I’m doing, physically, in my career, with my great love for my husband who now knows all (and we are closer than ever, and he’s been sober for the longest time in years..)….but even that need to “show him” is dropping off to a “who cares”. Once in awhile I have a day when I think of him without intentionally wanting to, and it makes me so mad, but at last, I no longer think of him first thing when I wake up, or last thing when I go to sleep, etc. He’s become a boring topic mostly. AT LAST. Time and no contact and LF…..that is what does it!
LOL! I meant I was worried about what my reaction to seeing him would be…..not my reaction to you doing so well! LOL! I’m jumping for joy for you and everyone!!!
Hi Ox -Drover.
Nice to hear you had a great day. I used to love going to flea markets, antique stores and fairs. I am in that spot yet where I don’t enjoy much anymore. Except the beach – but that house will be going soon too. I will so miss that . I am not a materialistic person – but that little joint is a treasure to me.
I just feel closer to God and life when I am at the NJ shore. It is just a little spot- but the kids learned a whole new summer life – crabbing, kayacking, fishing – we were really into it. Even though their dad hardly ever joined us – we would go – such a peaceful spot. Oh – well – hope the Lord has something else in store .
Oxy,
I had a major bad dream last night that NH would get to keep the new house. Me and kids were trying to get in and he would not let us. My counselors were in it too – and they were just walking by and shaking their heads. I woke up crying, in a sweat, his selfishness covered me from head to toe. I have not been able to shake it off today. I feel like me and the kids cannot win against him.
It was one of those days I regret having made him choose- I am in so much pain and he is just a happy guy what with his house, g/f, starting up a new business – looking forward to all that cash.
I just want peace in our lives – me and the kids.
Of course, a 6 foot Adonis wouldn’t hurt right now. Kidding – I am nowhere ready for anyone else.
How long to get rid of him in my head and heart- it’s like he haunts me.
I have to see him too much and hear his voice too much because of the kids.
Need prayers and a wise veterans advice!!!
Justabouthealed – I actually think that the one thing that lets them know we are or have healed is the fact we havent contacted them. It finally now gives me a little comfort to know its the one thing he doesnt have priviledge of knowing ever again. Not that they actually care — but that they actually lost and no longer have any control over us/our lives!! YA HOO!!!
Hi Newlife: That beach house — is that something you could live in? Keep as part of the divorce settlement?
By the way, here’s some math for you — the value of a house is the appraised value MINUS a 7% real estate commission, MINUS some amount for selling under duress, like minus 20%. This is why I urge you to consider holding onto a piece of property rather than forcing a sale. Also, when the appraisals are on the table — everyone needs to be aware that those “transaction costs” HAVE to be subtracted from whatever value the appraiser gives.
This is both “bad news and good news.” It may be easier for you to negotiate to keep a property. If that gives you a roof over your head, some stability, and lets you keep some good memories, then you’ve won something. And if you are in a rental, you will never see “appreciation” off that, and you are at the mercy of the landlord with the inevitable rent increases.
Newlife: As far as getting him out of your head, when you get through these details, you will have a sense of accomplishment, and that will help.
But I’m going to take you back to Lesson 1: ANYONE can be fooled by these creatures. Do not blame yourself. You were doing the best you knew how. Say to yourself, “I did the best I could at the time with what I knew then. I did the best I could . . .” And give yourself a big hug, for being courageous enough to see the truth when you were shown.
You asked God to help you with your marriage, and HE CERTAINLY DID! The answer was very, very clear: God wants you OUT of that relationship! Can you trust that God can also nudge things this way or that to help you have what you need to move into a better future?
Dear New Life,
I’m sorry you had the dream, but I think that is our subconscious trying to work out our fears and anxieties. I used to dream and dream ab out talking to my mother and my son and trying to get them to “SEE reason.” I also had a series of dreams with the “Theme” of me taking care of something helpless while my horse drawn wagon was neglected and the horses wandered off and crashed the wagon. I had this same almost exact dream over and over and I realized that the wagon represented my life and the “helpless creatures” (some times puppies, kittens, babies, old ladies etc) were representing of ME ENABLING someone while I NEGLECTED MY OWN LIFE AND NEEDS. After that, I never had it again.
As far as seeing him because of the kids, is there SOME WAY you can trade off the kids for visits without seeing hi or talking to him? Get a thrid party to drop them off or pick them up etc.
I know you must love your house at the beach, but when I had to made a choice and stay here at my family’s farm (which I LOVE) or leave and stay alive, I realized that the farm, and THINGS in general are not that important. I look back at the way things worked in all this, my husband’s death, my step-father’s death, my retirement from work, etc. and etc and it all worked in a pattern to come back to where I was FREE OF THE PS in my life. Without the way it worked I wouold still be in the FOG. I FIRMLY BELIEVE that God warned me as he warned David to flee from King Saul by Saul’s son Jonathan warning David his father was trhing to kill him, and when I was gone, when I gave up my attachment to the farm and bought the RV and hid for several months, I realized that my security is NOT in the farm, not in the land, not in my house, it is in MY GOD, MY FAITH. My 401K has taken a 50% hit (so far) but you know what, I am not even upset by it, it just IS, and I have never gone hungry and I don’t expect to. God has provided for me so far and I figure he will continue to. My adopted son D I think was God’s way of “replacing” the son I lost (the P) with a son I love dearly and am so proud of the man he is (I don’t take credit for it, but I am proud of him). Just as Job’s end was “better” than the first, and he was restored to happiness, I think I have a better end than a beginning before. I am no longer dependent on my perception of “security” in land, home or money, and I am blessed beyond belief. I am sure not rich, but I don’t owe a soul a dime and I have everything I need and much of what I want. Fat Ass and Hairy Ass wouldn’t bring 25$ each at the sale now with the price of horses and livestock in thepits, even a GOOD well broken, healthy horse won’t bring $300 now, but what difference to me does it make if Fat Ass and Hairy Ass are worth $25 or $25,000 each? They are what I want. What difference if my clothes are from the Goodwill or the best shops on 5th Avenue NY? Are my dogs and goats and my asses going to care? My butt is covered and they are clean! My sons are tired of beef (even the best beef in the world) but I don’t buy pork or chicken because I have 800+ pounds of beef in my freezer and we eat BEEF because that’s what we have. We don’t eat out any more, we drink water instead of soda, my son D who smokes now smokes a pipe instead of cigarettes so he smokes less and it costs about $10 a month instead of $5 a day. We cut the cable off, turned down the thermostat, etc and we live VERY COMFORTABLY on “poverty level” income. But if you counted up the way we live, you couldn’t do it on $1000 a week in take home wages.
Son C has not looked for a job since he has been home, but he will go back to work, but right now he is working on the farm doing things that need doing that I can’t hire someone to do, and it is GOOD FOR HIM and his healing process. I can SEE SO MUCH PROGRESS in his healing path since he came home. He had a glitch and a rough spot yesterday but there will be ups and downs and that is expected. Over all, he is making great progress. He needs the “low stress” time just working here rather than punching a clock and that is fine with me.
New life, I can’t tell you in days, weeks, months or years “how long” and no one can before you get through this healing of teh ACCUTE phase of the pain….but you WILL. I can almost tell now when someone comes on LF if they will “hang in there” and really heal, or if they will just stay around til the accute pain subsides and get back into another dysfunctional relationship or just “disappear” but not yet really “get it” (in my opinion at least). You seem to have the strength already and to show signs of being one that REALLY heals and hangs in there. I am glad, so glad for your sake.
I will of course keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Stay on the PATH, don’t let the Siren Song drag you into the FOG because when we do, we get lost again. Finding the path again is sometimes very difficult. ((((hugs))))
ShabbyChic2 said: “I married a man who became a Christian and then was studying to become a minister, but he became an a**hole instead! HaHa”
Ok, I’ve been off the site awhile and am playing catch up. You folks are FUNNY!!!! 🙂
Thanks Ox Drover and RUNE!!!
You are right – I will miss the extra house at the shore – it was a dream come true for awhile. It hurts that my kids will have to be told. I think they will further resent him for yet another bubble burst. We can’t move there because it is not really a year round kind of town. Desolate in winter!! But thanks for the selling tips – you are right – and there are so many consequences to consider. I am sure he is aware of all the loopholes so I surely welcome all help!!!
Rune,
The house we live in now is where they go to school. D is 15 and so entrenched in her life here I wouldn’t have the heart to have her leave. We need to leave this house because of NH g/f next door. But the new one he put himself in is our answer for now – it is only a few blocks away but it will allow the kids to stay in their schools. At least to let D finish High School.
So although we will not be far – it will have to do for now IF we can get that house from him – let him come here and be right next to her!!!!
Oxy,
I told my friends awhile back that I would love to get educated enough to speak on these issues and prevent more victims if possible. These disorders need to be taught in HS so our young sons and daughters will be more aware. I never had heard of BPD -although I now know this to be my mother which explains my husband pleasing traits – or NPD. Geez. Bipolar is even new in the general population.
So yes- I am here to stay – I have a lot to learn and I am sorry if I repeat questions or cry out for help a little too often or down the road – but I did love this man and it is only finding out about these disorders that has held me together.
The pain of the last 15 years was horrendous – I ran out of things to try to get his attention – new recipes-love to cook!! – new PJ’s, change the furniture around, change hair color – and each time I cried even more.
You know, when he came home in 2006, we had to go to a family affair. Well, I knew just what to wear because it was sitting in my closet for a month. We had a wedding to go to in October and I went to Nordstrom of all places and splurged on a black velvet off the shoulder dress – it is really pretty. I never got to wear it in October because we were still separated and
I refused to just accompany him to the wedding – and he could not believe that either!!! Maybe this was what scared him into coming home. Anyway, I did get that dress out for this family affair. Now, I am 6 foot tall so I don’t often feel pretty about myself. But, I had lost a lot of weight, I have a chest and well damnit I really felt pretty that night. And EVERYONE said so – except him. He said not one word!!! Dress off the shoulder, big boobs, lost weight, new blonde bottle color, lovely jewelry he bought me- NOT ONE FREAKIN WORD – but of course I told him he was the most handsome in the room – and he really was – &astard looks good for 50!!! AND he woulf not even open the car door for me- which I never required on a daily basis but this was special.
Such special treatment for a gal that took him back after two affairs, he was only back a few days – and wanted to be pretty for her guy!!!
I swear he knew it hurt me – why the heck bother to come back!!!!
SO yes- if you can put up with me – I want to someday be an encouragement to someone else. There is nothing left to hide anymore.
I have already given the site and books to two of my friends – one who is suffering terribly but will not leave and one who is out for 7 years but never understood what is wrong with him -he still tortures her over the kids!!!
Prayers and blessings for us all – and those to yet arrive.