I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Newlife: Sweetie — one of these days your eyes will pop open and you’ll say, “I GET IT!” and you’ll realize that all along this monster was motivated by things you can’t imagine. He was motivated by setting up situations where you would try, and try harder. He thrived on your disappointment. And this is his screwed-up mind. He is nuts! Actually, one expert says that “PSYCHOPATHS ARE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE THE DECENCY TO GO INSANE!” Every time you revisit one of those painful scenes, consider that he just wasn’t the normal guy you thought he was. A roomful of people think you’re gorgeous, and HE DOESN’T? Who is the crazy one? Obviously HE IS!!!
When we realize how crazy they are, we can get over our guilt over leaving (I’m thinking of your friend), and we can let go of all that pain that they tried to heap on us.
I’m rooting for you. It seems that new house might be a solution. Notice that this is a way to preserve “the family home,” perhaps give the kids a tiny bit of improvement in their lives, and leave you with an asset that might one day help you out, long after this divorce is done.
By the way, how much is the beach house worth?
Dear New Life,
It is all so hard, we work so hard to please them, to “do for” them and they don’t appreciate it one bit, we are just a piece of property to them. You did the best you could, and it all hurt. But you ARE ON THE ROAD TO HEALING and I am so glad fo ryou. It is a rocky road, with pits and ruts and deep ditches on each side. As the road goes on though you will get stronger and find the way easier. The people here have helped me to stay “between the ditches” so many times when I thought I was doing GREAT and then something out of the blue knocked me to my knees! It happens, but keep getting up. CRAWL if you have to but NEVER NEVER NEVER get off the road.
Don’t worry about asking questions, that’s what we are here for, rant, cry, scream (all caps! LOL) or anything you feel like you need to do, we have all taken turns doing just that! So it is no bother, we definitely understand the need to scream. I can promise you the only thing you will get “zinged” here for is making excuses for the P or being too hard on YOURSELF. This is about YOU! Healing YOU! We are here for YOU!!!! People have been here for US and we are just passing it on when we feel up, or asking for more support when we feel down. Today I’m up, tomorrow, who knows? But I do know that I will keep coming here as long as I am learning something. This is my life-line to sanity! I may never become “normal” or “sane” but doggone it, I am going to keep on growing and learning as long as I have two brain cells that can talk to each other! ((((hugs))))) and prayers.
I had an enjoyable day today. At 10:00 I went next door to sit for my neighbor’s 5 year old. The precious little darling only made a Valentine for her mom and had all her construction paper out so she could make a Valentine for me. So cute. Her mom said she was excited all week knowing that I was sitting for her Saturday morning and couldn’t wait for me to come over and work on this belated Valentine’s project.
As we sat there cutting heart shapes out of red, pink and green paper, she decided she wanted to play some of her children’s movies for me (background was Lion King). She then decided our hearts would be a nice addition to her mom’s windows in the family room. Of course, she made hearts for me and for her mom.
What I found totally amazing was how kind, generous and loving this little girl is. I was holding back tears as I enjoyed a morning of pure love from a child’s heart.
Peace everyone, there is quality life out there.
Wini: Pure. In the moment. No hidden agendas. You are so blessed.
Thank you for reminding us. We may have lost our “innocence,” but we can still know that this type of pure love exists.
Thank you. And thanks to that little gift of a girl-child who showed up to give us this lesson, too.
newlife08: Don’t give your brain and heart any room for thinking about your EX. A new girlfriend to him is a new challenge to con some one new. A new job to him is an illusion to smoke screen the new girlfriend so she will think she’s in a comfortable, reliable, loving relationship. A new house is also the ploy they use to scam the latest victim. He’s securing his con on his latest victim. Everyone is a victim to them. Period.
Believe me I know. My EX took me for over $250,000.00 … and everything he ever said to me from start to finish was a lie. He now lives in a brand new house with his new wife that has no clue what kind of a nightmare she will face when the illusion bursts. His company was a scam to get money out of me and his investors. He lied to the attorneys who worked for his phony business, he lied to the investors, he lied to me, he lies to the courts and refuses to pay his ex-wife child support which last time I knew was well over $50,000.00. Yet, he lives the life of Riley … on everyone else dime. When the money runs out … so does he and he starts this life of a total lie over and over and over again.
That is all they are all about. What’s in it for them. Everyone and anyone (including their parents and family) are a stepping stone to get what they want, when they want it, any time they want it. There is no rhyme or reason to their selfish GREED. It just is. Don’t waste your mind, heart, soul of trying to figure out a selfish, self centered, self absorbed greedy person. It just isn’t worth it. There is nothing redeeming about any of them. They sooner tell a lie, just to tell a lie. Even if there is no consequence to them if they only told the truth. They lie, just to lie.
Everything about him is the complete opposite of what you are. If you are loving, they are not. If you are generous, they are not. If you are fair, they are not. What ever good quality you can look inside yourself to find … they are the complete opposite of that … except when they are convincing the latest con … then they pull out all the stops and reach in their bag of memories of all their past marks … and portray you, what you were about … to the next person.
Sorry to be so hard on you with this insight. But, the truth of what they are all about … will hurt your heart and soul like nothing you knew ever could or would … and then it will set you free.
On the brighter side to being involved with him. I’m glad you now have great memories of the shore in NJ. Those memories are yours and your children’s to relish. I grew up at the shoreline in our state during the summers at the cottage my grandparents built. My aunt owns it now, she’s the last surviving child of my grandparents and our family is welcomed all the time. So, I know exactly how connected you are to God in the beach environment and how soothing the shore is to your heart and soul…. connection with the universe and all of God’s glory.
Peace. Pamper yourself and your children. Actually, plan all the coming years around enjoying your children and your children enjoying you. Your precious children are your salvation from the depth of that soul less creature.
If they are focused on VICE … how can we expect them to ever focus on VIRTUES.
Rune: What you said is so true. The innocence of this little girl proved love is all around us … as long as we are willing to see it and allow it in my heart.
Little Erika did more in this one morning than anyone can imagine.
A few months back she had me drawing chalk on her mom’s drive way and playing hopscotch, jump rope, and other drawing games.
Talk about a little Angel! I was in the moment and 5 again … except I could feel every jump in my back bone on that hard pavement. Oh, well, back to reality.
Peace.
Good Morning Everyone,
I haven’t posted in a while, but have been reading all your insightful posts. Thought I’d add my concurring comments to a few noteworthy ones for me.
Henry: Yes I totally relate that we are “options” to them, i.e. when they have less sources of suppply on hand, they ramp up their attentiveness to us, and contrarily, if they have a “full house” of options (other gfs), that is when we are subjected to no shows, promises to call undelivered, lies, etc…
Ph: Yes I also have contact fantasy, to have him see me (down the road) in a fulfilled life with a decent partner, and being able to observe the SAME sorry him, full of lies, cialis, and no money.
Wini: I totally agree…their modus operandi is everyone is a victim, or a stepping stone (even their parents), it IS about what’s in it for them, and YES, they lie just to lie. Greed is their middle name.
Rune: It is a difficult day when one realizes that they THRIVE on disappointing you…it is a major ahha moment, which is key to furthering our healing process, I think. Why would we want to subject ourselves to that kind of sick abuse. But unfortunately, some of us (including myself) keep on having them under our skin nevertheless….
HealingHeart: I so agree that they are monsters of the worst kind because they make us so bonded and attached to them. And to keep on thinking about them can us drive us nuts, because we feel it’s a betrayal to our own selves. Twisted.
And to whomever it is who was speaking about “limps”, I also agree they look for our limps at he ouset, and milk it for whatever it can land them, as well as portraying a false limp in their own selves to us, in order to gain our trust and sympathy, so as to deceive us better.
Yesterday I had my ex S play a dirty trick on me after 2 months of NC, in order to get into my head again, or stay in it, whichever. Anyway, I got a call from some girl who asked for him at MY number (we never lived together). What I’m thinking is that he purposedly gave my number to a girl he met and probably didn’t want to see again, knowing that she’d call the number, and get me on the other end. Nasty piece of work, isn’t he, plus he gets a double whammy, nasty to me and to the girl. Does this trick resonate with anyone?
By the way, I too am from Canada, where is the trauma course given?
Good Morning All – Have a wonderful peaceful Sunday. I cannot find specific posts that I am looking for. If anyone can direct me, that would be great. Someone referred to writing lists (i think 3 or 4 lists) of things about the S/P perhaps certain behaviors, or actions…. ?? I would very much like to find them, and read them. If you know the persons name, I can skim through all the posts. Thanks so much. Im heading out for the day, but I will check in tonight under this thread. Much appreciated. ps. Sociofree – that is just a sick puppy to do that!!! So glad you are free of the Socio loser!!!!!
Dear Socio-free! Glad to see you posting again, missed you! When people “drop out of sight” even if they are still here reading I sort of wonder if they are OK—I think there should be a “check in rule” here at LF so this old mother hen won’t worry! ha ha
Dear Learn-ed, have a great day! Don’t remember which post you might be talking about, sorry. I have CRS BAD!!!! LOL
Wini, yes YES! I love the little kids. Have had a couple age 5 and 18 months over (darling kids!) and just watching them is a JOY! Happy, cooperative kiddos, even the baby easily redirected if he gets into things at my “NON-childproof home” I do keep a big bucket of toys for visiting kids and they haave dug deeply into that so are enjoying being here and even my little dog is in heaven with the toddler. Yesterday we put the todler down on the carpet with a blankie to go night-night and the little dog curled up beside him, even my dog is thrilled to have kids around! ha ha It makes me have faith again in human nature and young mothers to see such happy well adjusted kids and such innocence and trust. Thanks for reminding me how very special that is!
hi everyone, terrible snow storm here yesterday so not much to do but eat and lay around. Went to lie down in bed with the thoughts of the socio in my head and phone rang Private Caller so i picked up not saying anything and nothing on other end for ages and my intuition (which i usually ignore) said don’t say hello. I hung up and the phone rang again and i thought i can’t avoid all calls thinking it was a lady friend calling from facility i just left for trauma etc. and it was him “are you home for weekend or cured” and i went click. Next thing im thinking how rude i am etc. Then i went into the magical thinking stage of the good times which by the way were so few but as my physicatrist has said you “thank God for small graces” and they were small. Interesting as im the one that needs to be cured. The facility is in Guelph, ontario and i did get a lot of confirmation of ptsd, trauma bond, Stockholm Syndrome but to tell you the truth this site has been the most beneficial and the no contact which sounds so simple> Im a recovering alcoholic with 5 years sobriety and the simplicity of don’t drink and go to meetings is the same as with the socio with the No Contact but i think we want to think it is more complicated. That is why i’ve gone to hypnotherapists, Trauma programs etc. I wanted to change my phone number at the end of the program but they advised me not to as what made me suceptible in the first place was the inability to say No. Im still obsessing over the phone call but i know it will pass and i have the upper hand for the first time in a long time. I also have to be wary of the game as i can be very competitive which is a good quality that works against you and not try and beat him at his own game which is very tempting. I also would recommend Sam Vaknins site with his book “Malignant Self Love” which is a true account of a self professed Narcissist and the entire book is online. I live in a small town and i know it’s just a matter of time before i encounter him but each small victory is a little bit of power i get back and in time i’ll be my own self again. I know deep down i am a very kind person with a lot to offer and that is the unfortunate thing, they take every great quality we have and make it work against us. I will continue to be the good person i know i am but i will be careful who i give to in the future. I pray for him when i go through the anger phase as i’ve found with sobriety if i get a resentment it can kill me so i have to apply the same principals with him. I go through a ponopoly of emotions as nothing sticks for long. This guy had me even in pretend sex with him for most of the 6 years and i was too kindhearted to even say anything about his shortcomings if you get my drift. I also have been faithful as loyalty is another virtue he took advantage of. So in essence i sacrificed so much for this person thinking he would appreciate it but the bottom line is they are not able to understand what virtues are and will never appreciate anyone or anything. I’ve had many men interested over the years but i could not go there because he took up all my head space. Im far from even wanting anyone at this point but i was married to a great guy for 17 years previously so i do know they exist. I beat myself up over that for years as well blaming the drinking etc. but i’ve come to realize that the only person i forgot to love was myself. It is even foreign for me to treat myself with compassion(very stressed in the trauma program) and be my own lover so to speak. It’s a very slow process and only a select few really understand what i’ve been through. I am hopeful though that someday i will be able to put this all behind me and be the happy , fun girl i used to be. He will be living in his garage cleaning his life away (as he’s over the top OCD) not really living. He knows no different. I also have to say that i’ve had trouble confusing pity and love with this man as they are really pathetic creatures and i know we have overabundace of compassion. My sponsor has been telling me for years but i just didn’t want to beleive it that he’s happy the way he is and i now see that. We are all in the same boat and i know we are all strong people or as they told me in Homewood we would have bolted and we stayed and that’s why the PTSD. I will have to tell you all about the pretend sex sometime, i have a feeling that someday i will be able to laugh at all this but for now im just grateful that the little girl who wants to be so kind and accepted didn’t call that loser back and set myself back to hating myself again. They plowed the roads here so at least i can get out today and distract myself. Love everyone on this site as you have all helped me. For the lady who posted about the trauma center it is in Guelph Ontario. I found it somewhat helpful but not what i expected. Unless you have coverage i would not encourage it. Take care everyone and treat yourselves to some indulgence today. love Shelly