I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Hello Kindheart: Notice how the call was just so he could see if you were available so he could “get” you. And the comment didn’t have any truth behind it — it was only something he came up with to get to you. You mention OCD — I saw some of that with the S/P, and I wondered if it was that same “control and power” thing that drove his manipulations and lies. He had to be master over everything. I remember if someone asked him for a phone number he turned it into a big show of looking up the number in his Blackberry, opening his Day-Timer, pulling out the special pencil, licking the tip, and writing the number on a fresh page in the Day-Timer that he then tore out (along the perforations) to give to the person who had asked. Now, the page didn’t have any useful info, like the person’s name or company. I would shake my head wondering what would happen to that paper with the number. Would the person who asked ever call the number? And now that I think of it, would the person on the other end just be another victim of this creep’s manipulations? The lies go on and on.
Yes, do something kind and sweet for yourself today. See if you can get through a whole hour without wasting any neurons on his sorry self.
Kindheart 48 said: “I wil be careful who I give to in the future,” and then said that “we have an overabundance of compassion.”
The experience with the s/p has fundamentally changed me, and I don’t even know how yet because the future has not played out. I too have thought that I will be careful who I give to in the future. I think I will be far more guarded. I will discern transgressions of my boundaries with far greater concern and attention. I was not cautious with my caring nor my love nor my compassion. I just gave because it felt good (up to a point), and it was a “good” thing to do.
I have been completely “no contact” for a month. I began practicing no contact last September. I feel terribly raw today and very sad. I am not sure at what step in the recovery list above I fall. I feel that I skip from step to step not necessarily in order.
PB, I misstook the s/p’s sociopathic patterns for depression. When he was cranky and disregarded my feelings, or me, in a situation I thought that it was result of his persistent depression. I never just thought it was him, that that was who he was.
I feel badly for my innocent self who loved so openly and who gave so willingly. I don’t think I will ever be that person again. Maybe that is good, and maybe that is bad.
My friends are getting sick of me talking about this, and I don’t blame them. As I learn more, the extent of the s/p’s deception grows exponentially, and I don’t know what was real. It seems as if he was already fishing for someone else even as I was giving him EVERYTHING I could.
I am worn out, and I doubt he even thinks of me anymore as I no longer represent a ready “source”. I know there are good people out there with whom to have relationships, but as much as I need and would like companionship, I’m just too worn out to pursue it.
Kindheart & others: Although I learned some things from Sam Vaknin’s book, a number of people have found that he continues to be the manipulative narcissist (S/P?), and that he may be “playing” people through his site. Be careful.
hi everyone, im heading out and i feel like i have so much of my experience to catch you up to. my socio puts on a big front about having a private number yet he would give it to anyone who will give him attention. I understand the concern with Vaknin but i learned so much abou t their addiction to attention or supply that i still am grateful as it was coming from the horse’s mouth so to speak. Another interesting thing that happened when i first came home from the trauma program is i ran into one of his buddies two days in a row and i blew him off both times which went totally against the grain but i also know he has batted for both sides and no contact includes all his acquaintances and i would bet my last dollar that he went over to the socio’s house within days to whine about my behaviour. Then a few days later i went to my car and there was an envelope with a letter in it apparantly from some married guy who wasn’t sure of my name (spelled it incorrectly) just as the socio did after 6 yrs and went on to say he’s 48(my exact) age and just can’t get me out of his head for 6 years again and wanted to meet me at a local timmies coffee place on a Thurs morn. He’d understand if i didn’t etc. Now my friends who aren’t even as curious as i am said send someone to see. I’ve gotten alot smarter over time and here’s the way i looked at it. Number one if the guys married im not interested. Number 2 if the socio is behind it with his buddy im not giving them the satisfaction. Whoever it is behind the letter they can’t know me very well as i would never consider a married man. One thing i do know is that i have mentioned in the past that i have found a few married men attractive prob because they are the committment types. And as far as the ocd yes mine is a total control freak , dictator and gave me tons of conditions. Example when i was so lonely , “you can come over on the condition you wear something sleasy” etc. just to see if i would comply and i would just to please him even though it went against my own self respect. I don’t want to sound like a braggart but i’ve always been know for how i dress and i have my own style and am a very attractive woman but this guy managed to have me thinking that i should dress more provocatively and that i had to have his approval and there would always be something wrong. Example one time i was going to a wedding and i thought i was very nicely put together and my legs were too white. They will find anything especially if they know they can play with your insecurities. He always proclaimed to not be jealous and what a wasted emotion and i would think i wish i could be that way. Truth is he is envious(the more pathological for m of jealousy) and cannot stand for anyone to be better at anything than he. Even when i am shopping for clothes and i have always had my own style i find myself thinking would he like this or that as they seem to instill a filter in our minds that everything goes through but in time i will be back to my old self . I am actually a very strong minded person who as a friend has just told me is the most stubborn person he’s ever met but this guy had me or i should say got me at my weakest point in my life. The control part is so strong in them that they cannot let anyones opinions even be considered. Mine was so selfish that at times it would literally take my breath away. Yes i spent years living in that god awful garage as he never even cooks in his house. I read about how we get habitualized to their behaviour and that is very true. I remember talking to his last wife (20 years younger) whom he got rid of withing 6 months because he didnt’ like her anymore. I remember her telling me that if he can do better than her good luck, but i was in such a state with my separation from my husband and drinking that nothing was registering. I do remember the first time he came to my home and told me about not liking her anymore i couldn’t slee p that night as my mind kept going over and over thinking he must have meant it differently. He also told me he could be a nightmare and i thought oh he has a little temper. I had never met it so i didn’t know what it was and that’s the only defense i have. He pretended to be everything i wanted and it is the honeymoon that we keep will coming back but that was pretend guy. Real guy i don’t even like. Sorry for going on so long but i’ve got so much to get out and i just hope i can help someone else . Shell
hi guys, the telephone call last night really got the obsession going again. It’s almost like the craving i had for alcohol , actually not almost it is the same. I’ve been so tempted to take that letter over and say did you have anything to do with this but the honest truth is i just want him to know that other men find me desirable. I know how pathetic all that is but they do such a good job of making you feel less than that all you want to do is prove to them that you are sought after. It’s as if they hold all the cards to your self worth with their approval and it doesn’t seem to matter how many men find me attractive it’s his approval that seems to matter most. He has a strong preference for blondes and of course my hair is blonde even though i deep down think it shouldn’t matter what the hell color my hair is i find im still inclined to choose what he finds appealing. Then again the man is so unpredictable he could say he prefers blondes on e minute and change to brunnettes the next. I just wish i diddn’t care what the hell he thinks and i know that day will come as i’ve made a point of talking to the other women he has discarded. Im releived to say that they have all finally moved on after years of left over emotional damage and they both seem to be indifferent to him. Even though i don’t know them well i know they must both be exceptional women and if they were able to move beyond this so can i. Sometimes it’s minute by minute and other times the clarity is there. I’ve often thought that if i could just find a nice guy to help me get past this but i know the truth and that is im not ready and God will bring someone when it’s the right time. I was listening to the tune by Don Henley called “The Heart of the Matter” and it’s all about forgiveness and that is where i think the real healing begins. When i listen to that song i think more of my exhusband than i do the spath as he had much more meaning in my life and i do know he loved me. The good part is i am thinking about my ex with the song and not the sociopath, makes me think that in the long run he had little meaning. Im eating some candy and im so glad for this forum as the compulsion was so strong at one point i was even tempted to drive by his house. One hangup is all it takes to set me back but tomorrow will be a better day . love shelly
Dear Firstthingsfirst,
GOOD FOR YOU!!! No contact is the way to go!!! Also, recognizing that you are “too worn out” for a relationship right now, is a GOOD THING. After my husband died, I got involved with one while still grieving and it was a P. Fortunately I only wasted 8 months with him and another few months grieving over him too (as well as grieving over my husband’s death) It is a GOOD thing not to start a new relationship until you FIND OUT what it was about YOU that made you a ready TARGET for a P.
Many many MANY TIMES, people seem to get out of one P relationship and WHILE STILL Grieving, not have realized what made them a target in the first place (excess of compassion, etc) and then they get right back into ANOTHER P relationship. I been there and got a closet full of TEE shirts from doing that over and over. Unfortunately, many of the TEES have my FAMILY TREE on them as well cause the Ps were in my family not just romantic relationships—but looking back to my younger single days when I was a “kid” I did get involved to one degree or another with some people that were probably Ps as well. Dysfunctional in any case. I guess that is partly why I missed my husband so much is we had a GOOD relationship until his death.
TIME and KNOWLEDGE is on our sides. Time WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE only gets us back involved with another one!
Kindheart: You’re still thinking that somehow he is “normal.” Whatever he “thinks” is twisted. He wants to play you, so he can hurt you. And part of his appeal for you is the result of his deliberate tactics to MAKE YOU EMOTIONALLY ADDICTED TO HIM — SO HE CAN KEEP HURTING YOU!!!
With alcohol, the bottle doesn’t actively want to hurt you. It doesn’t call you up and tell you things so you will buy it and get stumbling drunk. This is far more toxic. Unpredictable? Not at all: he will do anything, say anything, just to make you run around and be miserable.
Now, take a deep breath, and pull in the wise, wonderful, powerful woman that you are. And realize this: his treatment of you has set up neurochemical responses in you. If we had the equivalent of “methadone” to get us unhooked, it might help! But know that your body is addicted, your heart is addicted, and your head is struggling to make sense of this. You need to detox — and realize that HE IS CRAZY and he’s using his “crazy” to harm you.
No driving by his house. More candy, if that will help. And don’t get bogged down in the idea of “forgiving” this schmuck so you can “take him back”! Listen to “Creep” by Radiohead, or “Behind Blue Eyes.” or “In the Air Tonight” by Steve Winwood.
Love ya, girl. Hang in there!
hey guys, i thought i’d give you a little chuckle. While i was in the Trauma program which was 2 months duration i had contact with Lucifer and i was so beside myself going back after the weekend home and having him snowblow my drive etc. and he was unusually nice. I kept pulling the nurses aside and telling them that i was in conscious denial and why can’t i see things the way others see them concerning him. It was extremely baffling to say the least. The head doctor assured me that i was NOT in denial but it was the Stockholm syndrome. I asked him if they used shock treatment at all to treat this type of situation and he kind of laughed and said no dear not for that. I don’t want to offend anyone with the shock treatment as i know it serves a purpose to some people but it goes to show how desperate we really are to end this. The trauma program itself did get into trauma bonds and boundaries and i was even starting to suspect i had a personality disorder myself which would make me a prime candidate for a narcissist. I even went so far as to ask the doc during one of our process sessions if i could be Borderline personality Disorder and he looked at me and said i can tell you right now , no you are not a Borderline so that was a huge releif. I was told that i had Dependent personality traits and that if anything i had an over concience. Go figure eh. this guy has no conscience and i’ve got an overconscience. That leads me to beleive that they take the good qualities that we have a surplus of and suck them from us. At any rate i definately beleive that it is our amazing qualities(acceptance of people, kindness, compassion,loyalty,competitiveness) that keeps us going back and at some level i do think they know this. I remember mine years ago out of the blue saying “you are very blessed” so i think they know we have something special but they don’t really know what it is. I hope that makes all you guys and gals feel special because i have no doubt that all of you are. Just remember that you are all special to yourselves and that we all deserve better and i know we know that deep down . I would also like to finish with something they stressed in the Trauma program, sometimes our feelings are so hard to get at , as at times they would try and get me to go deeper and deeper to how i really feel as i think we become so attuned to others feelings that ours become foreign. I know at times i would disassociate according to them as i wouldhave trouble getting to the deepest level of emotions. There were others (military withptsd ) who i noticed had even more trouble than i so i do think that the trauma does affect our ability to really get to how we really think deep down inside. Hope this all helps . Shell
Kindheart: Great insights. You see what Kathleen Hawk has described — about losing touch with our own feelings because we are so attuned to others. Yes, I agree that it is our amazing qualities that make us targets of choice for these predators.
Hi again,
Someone blogging here today or on another thread was asking who put up the 3 or 4 lists of S traits…I did – look for them in the recent archives, I know they are there. They consist of lists of sociopaths traits, list of sociopath typical excuses, and a few other lists of disturbing behaviours. Let me know if you don’t find them.
I wanted to add to the conversations today, mine was not only an socipath, but an OCD and an attention deficit disordered person. What an evil cocktail…anyone else with that combo? It’s a miracle I am still sane, and fully ready to NC him for the rest of my life.
Also wanted to say to all of us, for the future, beware of over-complimenting types..they can fool anyone as they are brilliant at the game they’ve played ALL their lives. Love to fool (not Love to Love) is their motto. To most of everyone, they blend in as normal, yet normal is the antithesis of what they are….
Have a good evening, am off to watch the Oscars.