I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Anyone who has divorced a S have any advice for me. I am thinking about putting the divorce on hold. I filed for divorce in June 2007 and I am still not divorced. We sent a settlement agreement to my husband’s lawyer in April 2008. He only responded in August after he needed me to sign to have him refinance his income property. My lawyer is wondering what is going on because his lawyer isn’t responding to anything. We have status hearings once a month and my husband’s lawyer does not have to show because I am the petitioner. I am paying for each court date with no resolution.
Should I just hold off even though I want to be divorced from this man ASAP? I asked my lawyer to just tell them we are going to go to trial if they don’t respond but I don’t want to have to go through that since we reached an agreement.
My husband keeps saying that he doesn’t really want to divorce me and that is why it is taking so long. He is full of it. I am losing my mind with all of this. There is a court date coming up on Thursday. I am sick of these monthly status dates. It seems like more money for the lawyer.
Nic: you need to get rid of this creature. Here’s a big newsflash: You can NEVER have “an agreement” with an S/P. An “agreement” is something that makes you feel like something happened, while he just ignores it and does whatever he likes.
You’re trying to get a divorce and he REFINANCED his income property?????? And how much money did he pull out at that time?
Sweetie, I think he is “playing” you. The “status” is “business as usual” for this creep. How can you push this forward? Can you consult an advisor from the battered women’s shelter? You may not feel “battered” but this legal abuse, and you paying the bill, is definitely part of his game of messing you over. Do you need a different lawyer? One who understands what this is? What state are you in (other than “confusion” and “frustration”!)?
Hi Kindheart, I have been reading all your posts, and so glad you are getting all of this out and talking about it. Your story has triggered so many memories for me, not necessarily of the S. You see, by the time I met the S, I was 47 and had a stronger sense of myself than when I was younger. It took 2-1/2 months to figure out what he was. And as soon as I saw it, I was gone. As strong as many people here think I was for getting out so quickly, I will tell you the pain I experienced at being played and duped was no less than anything anyone has gone through here. And I still have PTSD from it.
The part about your ex demanding that you wear certain things brought me back to a relationship from about 17 years ago with a narcissistic guy who used to tell me to “dress for bed” every night. That meant g-strings, garters, stockings, high heels, and a quarter cup bra. EVERY NIGHT! (Do you have any idea how uncomfortable all that stuff is?) I can’t believe I dated this guy for a year and a half! Looking back, I think I allowed some of the guys I dated to control me because I didn’t have a strong sense of who I was or how to stand up to a man. If I was attracted to someone I would just sleep with them. And then once I had slept with them, we had a relationship. There was really no thought or choice in this routine. Just one relationship after another. So if a guy turned out to be not really compatible or just a basic jerk, I would just bend to accommodate him. I didn’t have the strength or vision about what I wanted in a man to walk away.
I have worked on this over the years, and now have a vision. I have walked away from a few potential relationships because they were not what I wanted. By the time I had met the sociopath, I pretty much knew what kind of man I wanted. And I believed I had found him. Ironic, isn’t it? You finally figure out what you want in a man, and along comes a con artist to pretend to be the man of your dreams. God must have a funny sense of humor.
Star: I think of this as a video game: we mastered the first couple of levels, and now that we’re good at the elementary stuff, the rules change at the next level. Hahahahah! Lucky us! Just like the classes got harder as we moved through school. I guess we’ve learned something if we got promoted up to the next grade . . .
Yep. I didn’t need the guy, wasn’t looking for a relationship, didn’t even think I was affected by his charm. He knew how to play me. I didn’t even get the warning signs of violence and rages — he just played the perfect guy until I was played out and all that was left for him to gleefully reveal that it had all been a con. Unlike you, I don’t ever fantasize about him, unless it has to do with taking him to justice and trying to get my life back.
I can’t WAIT to figure out how to win at THIS new level in the game!!!!
nic-I think it’s just best to go to trial, with your “offered but unaccepted” settlement agreement. Maybe the judge will just sign it and order it…what does your attorney say? Every “monthly status meeting” is an opportunity for the “S” to contact and control, and the lawyers to bill time.
Rune is right. I reached an “agreement” with my x. It was entered as an “agreed entry” and signed and ordered by the judge. Want a “chapter and verse” about how she has ignored every part of it since…she calls it “legal schmegal”.
Oh, I could spend a few thousand every few months dragging her into court trying to get a “contempt” order…by the time it progressed, the judge would get tired of me clogging up his precious 20 hours of actual court a week (if that).
The only thing I care about is time with my daughter…she “screws” with that constantly, but since she has other priorities (her boyfriend), I get about the same total time with my daughter anyway (“Dad, I know it’s not your weekend, but Mom says she has a party to go to and I need to find a place to stay…can I stay with you?”).
Don’t get me started on “modern motherhood”…and she’s not the only one I know!
I pay the agreed support every week. I could have asked for a reduction…hidden some cash…no job…no reportable income…didn’t bother.
I have yet to refuse time with my daughter. Now I’m going to the UK at the end of March for nine days…my daughter’s not happy. “How can you go and leave me with HER that long?”
Sad. Cut the deal, go to court, be done with it…he won’t follow any agreement anyway.
Stargazer, the thing about sex with my sociopath is he doesn’t really even like it and if you’ve read up on narcissists some are somatic and derive their attention from sex while the other types uses the mind f way of keepingyou hooked. I also found that he had what the Vaknin site refers to as the madonna whore complex. He would have me dress up like one but i was the furthest thing from one so it was pointless. I also suspect that he could be a latent homosexual. I’ve had such limited sexual experiences (husband of 17 years) and a couple other encounters when first single that i was willing to accept that he couldn’t perform and on some levels i thought he was safe as i didn’t have to worry but the reality is that it was all so unconventional(wouldn’t put his hands under my undies etc.) that im afraid it became normal. I know when i meet the right man it will all come back to me but i find it amaZING what we can adapt to. I remember one of his exes telling me he was a poor lover(understatement) and how clinical he was (ocd) and i think he likes the chase and the sense of conquest. He likes to frequent the bars even though he does not drink and find vulnerable women and i beleive he likes to have the power over them which is what gets him aroused. They will take attention from anyone and anything and that’s the part that is so damaging as you wonder what it is that someon e else has that you don’t and then you have to remind yourself that they care not about who it is coming from and that it’s all just about getting their needs met. No source is different than another. It’s all so pointless but the only way they know. shell
Rune: Re: If we had the equivalent of “methadone” to get us unhooked, it might help
I definitely would not want, or suggest the equivalent of methadone to get unhooked. Methadone is the number #2 killer in the United States and rising daily. On behalf of the thousands that lost their lives to this, I feel the need to speak up.
Statistics; http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/pubs/pubd/hestats/poisoning/poisoning.pdf
Rune, you are right about the neurochemical responses. That ws explained by the doctor somewhat in Trauma Program. Also i would like to talk about the dreams as many in the program struggled with dreams and were being medicated for that specific problem(military mostly). One of the guys in my program had alot of dreams and also heard voices and he had the worst case of PTSD. During one process session he said he hadn’t had the dreams the previous night and he missed them. The doctor said that was common. I think we dream as a way of dealing with the emotional trauma and we can even become bonded to our dreams as was the case with this gentleman. I noticed how i wanted to minimize my ptsd considering i was in with military people who had obviously endured severe trauma but they didn’t minimize mine and even told me they just felt that i had aquired mine differently. One even told me about a man whho developed ptsd watching 9/11 on television. You are right about our minds being altered for sure. The doctor even told us that they have gone so far as to put people in a coma who have had extremely severe trauma to slowly have them come out to help them deal with it so i think God only lets us see what we can handle. It’s like we are slowly taking the blinders off , we want them off right now but we can only get them to slowly come off.
Is Opn: I appreciate the link. To clarify, “poisoning” was the Number 2 cause of injury death in the U.S. in 2005, according to the article. My daughter lost a dear friend to such an accidental death this past summer — skinny kid, had a few beers, and someone gave him a Vicodin for his back pain from an accident at work that day. That sort of “accidental poisoning” is all too common.
I wonder what rate of “accidental death” can be attributed to interaction with an S/P? The car accidents, the unintentional excess of alcohol and pain medication. We are seeing deaths in the news as a result of the Bernie Madoff catastrophe, and those poor people didn’t have their hearts ripped out like we did.
I don’t mean to be frivolous. I am serious when I say that we suffer from an addiction that THEY cultivated, just like pushers giving drugs to school kids. I wish we could have a short-cut. I would like to have my own mind back, to erase the anxiety, the heightened startle reflex, the unexpected floods of tears. I want my life back. If there was a treatment program that could truly erase this trauma, I’d be signing up right now. And I know, by what I read here, that I’ve traveled quite a ways on the path to healing.
hey Rune, yes the addiction can be very dangerous as even tonight as i went to a friends and this has happened numerous times over the years, i was so distracted thinking about the s i nearly rear ended a car. another peice of information i received being a recovering alcoholic and knowing about crossaddictions etc. is i had been told by the doctor in Trauma program that secondary addictions get stronger and that has certainly been my experience. He explained as you did that the alcohol is an etity outside of myself where with an addiction to a person is rumerating in your head. It is very frightening when you realize how preoccupied you really are when driving and this has happened to me numerous times. They have a techniqe they call grounding which can be anything ,(picture) whatever works to ground yourself when you start to disasociate. It’s hard to practise but in essence it’s distracting yourself and try and be in the present moment. shell