I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Hi Folks,
Just getting on line. Saturday was a winter band day for Daughter and cleaning up this joint-you know -old toys- broken stuff-time to say “Do I really need this!” . I’m thinking we’ll get ready to move here cause sooner or later – God willing – things are going to go our way!!
Today was wrestling tournament for my son – 7 hours in the same gym with my NH. The day started off with him calling for the start time. My Lord, the man talks to EVERYONE who will listen the whole time he is there and he calls ME to find the start time. We were leaving the door so I didn’t take that call. So of course next is the cell- I missed that one but had to call him because my son was pacing cause Disney Dad was not there yet. So, I call for my son’s sake but if I had listened to the voice mail I would not have returned that call!!!!
Why in heavens do these types need the phone to be answered IMMEDIATELY or he goes off the wall. Friday we were out at school BINGO – Saturday was band – home cleaning and then out for Chinese food. He talked to my son once on Saturday – how many times are they allowed to call before enough is enough!!!! And he ends every unanswered call tyo me with a demand of “Call me bacK” !!! Well , I usually do not- what for – got the message buddy-no more to talk about.
It is sad to see him walk around – especially for my daughter. My two kids have opposing opinions of him right now – I often get concerned this will break the kids apart.
My daughter said she feels sad that he walks around and must feel like we don’t like him anymore. I told her it is very sad and she must be hurting. She says she doesn’t miss him – she just misses having a DAD. She used to think he could make it snow- he was bigger than life in her eyes. He has hurt her so badly, but I did say that if she wants to have a relationship with her dad it has to be on her terms and she will need to stay in counseling till she is strong at maintaining boundaries because he will want the relationship on his terms. She remarked how he even loods different to her – she calls him cave man.
And – tell me why you guys- he does look different to me also.
I mean physically different- why??
I always looked at him as handsome – I mean we all have bad days – but now I look at him and wonder what the heck is going on in his head, How can he look at me after 22 years and not soften – what does he feel when he looks at me???
He looked out of sorts today – I think because most of the guys that he hangs around at the matches weren’t there today.
And he is calling now – he had all day with our son – on my weekend I barely saw him myself – so he has to call again?
And by the way- son was so scared of losing today so we prayed over it – God gave him one win out of 2 matches and he lost by points – not a pin down. He was offered a 3rd match to try to secure a 3rd place medal – but he lost that too – against a 6th grader – so cheers for my 4th grader for toughing it out. And thank God for the win- it keeps him going!!
Rune ,
The shore house is at $385,000.00 right now – he paid $405,000.00 – and take off $25,000.00 for a new bulkhead and as you said , real estate broker and distress discount.
Early settlement panel meeting was cancelled for 02/24 since he is obviously not ready . But the judge ordered a Case Management meeting between the lawyers and her. What is this meeting for? Hope it is meant for kicking some butt!!!
hey Rune, listened to Behind Blue Eyes and “Creep” and both were aporpoe but i’m still not sure about the “in The Air Tonight” and Stev e Winwood. When i first met the socio he downloaded me a cd of songs that he enjoyed not what i enjoyed and i knew that was a tad selfish but i was so grateful for anything as he uses the withholding tactic (don’t give you anything you want or anything at all to keep you feeling worthless and coming back) and he’s done the same with other women. He even told a friend of mine that he finds women who can’t afford television and he buys a cd for a dollar and dowloads television for them. My shrink says the women aren’t thinking about the fact that he’s only spent a dollar, but the thought . Im having crazy thoughts of downloading a cd for him with the music you suggested along with “your so Vain” but i know he wouldn’t get the connotations, he’d think this is all about me. Me Me Me. hah
newlife08: Re: And – tell me why you guys- he does look different to me also.
I can’t answer why, but after 9 months out of my world the S looks 10 years older. Not as crisp dressing, and in January I asked him what happened to you, you look 10 years older?
He had his off days with me as I do too. But I was amazed how the look had changed. He seem shocked when I asked him. I don’t usually say things like that but the look stood out so much. I assume that maybe my S’s own games had caught up to him from always thinking of a new plan or a new angle to get what he wants, or too much partying and it is wearing him down. I don’t know.
Okay folks, this may be a bit twisted, but I just went to Cheaters.com, the website for the TV show (which I only caught once a week ago), and Boy Howdy! I don’t know about you guys, but it sure feels good to see SOMEONE caught…even if it isn’t my specific JERK.
My fave so far was when a husband opened the car door to chat with his cheating wife, as her lover slithered out the other side in his boxers, ran to a porta-potty, jumped in and locked the door…
Yup, the husband tipped it with the cheating b*stard inside.
And man do these guys come up with the silliest things when caught!
One fellow was at the home he shared with his partner, with another woman. Wife showed up and the fool man said “She just came in to use the bathroom!”
“Yeah?!!” his wife yelled, “Then what’s she doin’ runnin’ around my house nekkid?!”
LOL! Nothing like a good laugh, and at this point, I’ll take laughs wherever I can get them.
Dear PB,
I’ve never even heard of that show, but WOW!!! I wish I had cable now! I could watch that show 24/7. I used to watch the 20/20 type things where they would expose people who were scamming others, or inform scammers they were being scammed, and my favorites were the shows where the lured pedophiles to houses and FILMED them, they thought they were coming to see a tenny bopper. At first, the cops wouldn’t arrest the jerks, but then the COPS finally said, “Hey, we’re looking really bad when the media is catching crooks and we REFUSE To arrest them.”
Even in my rural neighborhood a cyberpath scammed the 12 yr old dtr of the chief of police of a little town ab out 18 miles from here and KILLED HER. Charles “Jackie” Walls III who was one of the ALL TIME WORST serial pedophile (was in boy scouts) 1500 kids over 20 yrs and 4 deaths (3 murders, and 1 suicide) committed by his victims. The suicide was his NEPHEW HE MOLESTED. The murders were the family of one of his victims he ordered the victim to kill. IT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE. I wish there was a Cheaters.com page for every town, city, county and state in the nation. Put their pictures up.
Arkansas does put the photo and crimes etc of every convict in the state on the internet, I think that is a good thing too. PRisoners do run “Love lorne” scams by mail and that was the reason that Arknasas started doing that cause you can SEE the picture of the inmate you are writing to, not the ONE THEY SEND YOU IN THE MAIL WANTING MONEY. HA HA I can’t believe the money these people were raking in, up to $50K a year from victims. I would say “hhow can these people be so stupid and fall for that crap?” But you know, WHEN ONE LIVES IN A GLASS HOUSE AND HAS FALLEN FOR THE NUMBER OF PSYCHOPATH’S LINES I HAVE, I DON’T GUESS I HAVE ANY RIGHT TO THROW “STONES.” LOL
Newlife: You need help from a title company to find out what liens (mortgages and other claims) are filed against each property. When it comes time to transfer property, you’ll want to use the title company where you have your new friends! So, the shore house is worth roughly as much as the new house. How about you take the shore house and new house, and let him have the old house and the apartments with business? Plus he gives you some money . . . After all, he’s a single guy and you have the family?
I don’t have all the details, but you see how I’m thinking. One of the dangers of selling off property is that he can sell to a “friend” at a discount to make sure there’s no money for you, and then he picks it up later. Believe me, I learned this from S/Ps I’ve watched! I don’t come up with this on my own!
Somewhere in here, your daughter should come to realize that Dad doesn’t “feel bad.” He doesn’t “feel” like that at all. I worry for her that she will try to “make up to him for all his sorrow,” just the way that you might have in the past. It’s such a trap. He doesn’t deserve it. But you walk a fine line when you say anything at this stage, because you can be accused of trying to alienate your children against him. But he is “imprinting” her so that she thinks that this is how men are supposed to be in relationship — “and the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.”
I feel for you. Stay strong.
Kindheart: You need someone who is WORTH IT to receive your loving energy! Enough with trying to impress him, or educate him, or get a rise out of him!
Look up the lyrics on “In the Air Tonight.” “If you were drowning, I would not lend a hand . . . it’s all been a pack of lies!” There’s an interesting story behind the song.
But these recommendations are for YOU — so you can hear some reminders of the sort of person you DON’T want to be associated with.
hi guys, up late tonight and thinking thoughts of revenge or at the least some payback and i know i can’t act on them but some of the thoughts or ideas i get are awfully tempting. They sure can bring out the worst in us. I hate expending this much energy on him but that one dam call seemed to be enough to get the wheels spinning again. I hope tomorrow will be better and sometimes i wonder if some of the things i do are actually feeding the obsession more. I remember my physicatrist saying he was a bit of a project for me or a diversion of sorts. He has taken up more headspace than i ever thought possible. I know i havn’t been in no contact for very long so i guess i shouldn’t expect to be out of the woods. Baby steps right.
Dear Kindheart,
The thoughts of revenge are normal, not necessarily positive for YOU but “normal.” Somewhere on here or somewhere (CRS) I read that even the thoughts of revenge are programmed into our brains so that those thoughts actually release “pleasure” chemicals in our brains.
As we become more “civilized” we realize that we don’t want to have such negative thoughts in our heads, simply because WE (unlike “them”) try to rise above our baser instincts and be better than that. I can tell you I have lain awake for probably 100s of hours dreaming of terrible revenge on several of my Ps…but it was a task to let go of that, to make myself think of something else.
Our inner dialog with ourselves is controllable by our conscious mind, and I found I had to MAKE myself think of something else forceably. I would “sing” inside my head, count, say multiplication tables, or read aloud, anything to drown out those negative thoughts. I do think it helped and I no longer feel that burning desire to “get even.” Oh, yes, I DID want to “get even” but I don’t want to BE the kind of person who “Would get even”—I want to be a better person than that. No matter how richly they deserve whatever they get. “Vengence is mine, Saith the Lord.” I figure I can trust God’s word, so I will leave it to him, no matter HOW much pleasure I THINK it might give me. (((hugs))))
Hang on to NC, tht’s your best bet, and the horrible pain and emitions will pass. You are right BABY STEPS! You are at least going in the RIGHT DIRECTION,, and He never will. (((hugs)))
Hey OxDrover, you can watch the clips on the site.
I’m a HUGE forensics fan and have had to cut back my cable – that sucks, but I’m too broke to pay any more.
Oh well, someday. I miss all the shows you mentioned. I still get my L&O fix though (I hate CSI).
cheers