I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
I guess sometimes it would be nice to hang up on him~!
Henry: I’ll keep your secret, and no one will ever know. If only the S/P I knew was even 10% real . . . Dammit.
One of the few good things I see out of this is that I really know that I know how to love and care and be present day after day after . . .
When he dropped the mask, I already had a business trip lined up. I was becoming more and more afraid — not sure who/what I was living with, and I was asking people to listen on my cell phone when I walked into the house, because I didn’t know what I was walking into. This was about my gut feel, not about his obvious violence.
I left, telling him I would be back in a few days, but that I only had $135, and I was afraid I didn’t have enough money to get home. (That was absolutely true.) He never called. Not once. Not even a voice mail. And he had swallowed down several hundreds of thousands of dollars with his screwups and conscious rip-offs.
If the phone don’t ring . . . I got the message loud and clear.
We are so much better off. If only we can survive!
And you absolutely did the right thing.
Learnthelesson:
I loved the Shinola piece, it’s exactly what I said to my S as well. It’s sick though that he’s mocking you. My S did the same to me with a song in a foreign language he knew resonated with what he did to me. Ridiculous. What a ridiculous waste fo time these people are, really.
Henry, abou the phoning thing, I also didn’t want to worry or know whether he called or not after I “disposed” of him, so I figured blocking him out of phone, cell and e-mail would be a good strategy. However, it doesn’t give you the opportunity to hang up. He does still call, from another number as private caller, and just hangs up after I pick up…he knows I know it’s him, and it’s his little twisted way to get into my head. You know what, it works, but only for 30 minutes or so. Somewhere in the future, he will call himself out of the blue, and I will HANG UP.
The phone thing gave me an “ah ha” moment—during our marriage there were several times that my husband would be working out of town for anywhere from a few days to a few months, but there was NEVER A DAY that he didn’t call and we talked for an hour or more, and that was in the days when long distance phone calls were EXPENSIVE! Because it was IMPORTANT TO HIM (AND ME) that we shared our days even if we were apart.
When I was dating the P, and he would be off on a “trip” somewhere, HE NEVER CALLED, he turned his phone OFF. He didn’t want to share anything with me, cause he was off diddling some other woman and didn’t want to even think about me. The only time he called me daily was in the “hooking” stage. DUH! Wonder why I didn’t see that THEN? ROTFLMAO
hi guys, i had him in my dream last night. Strange one, where he dismantled two light fixtures in my house saying they were taken from his and i was telling him that they weren’t and my husband had installed them but he wouldn’t listne and just kept on doing it and taking them. Then he trots in with some young tart and you know how it goes. He was so stingy and paid more attention to his possessions(not even using most with his ocd). In the dreams i always feel powerless and they also always have the betrayal with women in them as well. I was doing so well until that phone call. Feel a little stuck but will have to keep on keeping on and hope it gets easier. kindheart
Sociofree – yes I see that all they do is waste peoples time while they waste away. The spath-lure days are gone for me. I will not take this bait and expend any wasted energy by responding – So do all of your current soon-to-be victims know this is your new favorite song? Because I suggest you tell them – so they can know the real YOU!
And the CELL phone thing. Dont get me started! I allowed us to eventually stay in “textland” for so many WASTED months. It was a nightmare. And also he never would put his phone down, or leave room without it! When questioned he said always afraid he will forget it or lose it! Sumtimes when we were out and about, either doing errands, dining, etc. he kept having to go to the bathroom – I actually thought something was wrong with him! (he was just responding to others) And he never answered his phone when it rang! Think I am going to go buy me a bumper sticker for my forehead today that says “WAS IN DENIAL – DUH ME”
hey Learnthelesson, that Redneck doesn’t know what an idiot he is to say that it is his song. These morons have no shame and twist it in their demented littles heads that he should be proud to be the way he is. Moron is not strong enough word for these types when it comes to making a fool of themselves. He was just trying to rub it in to you because the truth of the song is the woman doesn’t want a loser like the guy in the song but he wouldn’t get that because he is only concerned with hurting you. These types are so dumb it goes beyond comprehension. Mine professed to have been told the song “your so Vain” by carly simon was his becasue different women had told him so and was proud of it. No insight to the fact that it is not a desired virtue to be vain, he only cared about the attention. take care
Kindheart – Your dreams are theraputic – he exploited you – took advantage and disrespected you, your brian is processing this even while you sleep. I dont know how long your X has been gone but things will improve. It takes a long time to get the poisen out of your system, give your body and mind permission to detox. On a gut level you know you did the right thing, it takes our damaged body’s and spirit’s time to heal. You have taken back your power, the rest will catch up with you as your learn the hard lesson…can you change phone numbers? Changing numbers – email addy’s and locks on doors IS REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!it pisses them off – do it~!
Henry-
thanks for writing what you just did to kindheart.
My “discard” was in oct. and i dream of the loser every damned nite and morning.
it’s driving me nuts- esp since in my dreams– I am trying to get him back to the prediscard psycopath. You know– the guy i loved. My brain keeps thinking I can go back- do something different and not step on the landmine that within a second– change my life and me– forever.
henry, if you read my earlier post from saturday afternoon i did get the phone call and like you i thought of changing my number when i was in a trauma program recently and the advised me not to and that i would have to learn to say no. There is no easy answer i’ve found. My moron called blocked me once to impress his new supply and then would call me. I will say when he called i had an intuition and when i did hang up i immediately went into the im so rude shit. I took a bath and felt a little power back and vindication but it still got the obesssion going so i would say from my experience changing the number is prob best. I’t sthe no closure that drives us crazy and i remember my shrink looking at me and saying ” what do you mean by vindication or retribution exactly” and i thought for a minute and said there is none as nothing would have meaning but i have felt exactly like you last week. Hope the bastard calls and then hope he doesn’t. Reality is when he called he only wanted to start the game going again and it did in my head. A male friend asked me last night if i would have treated any man the way this ass… has treated me and on my worst day no. Whether they call or don’t it’s all meaningless and just a dance. I do remember feeling terrible when he call blocked me but i knew deep down it was all a farce. If i thought i could give him a taste of his own medicine i would but they never learn so what is the point. I will tell you that the call sure set me back and i even had the opportunity to hang up so don’t think it would have helped much. hope this helps you though