I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
This may not be appropriate to say, but I have read many places here and else where that it takes 18 to 24 months to recover from a spath encounter. One year ago I was begging for closure. It doesn’t happen that way. At first it is all about them and the pain they have inficted on us. As time drags by we learn more about us and how and why this happened. There will be ups and down, back and forths, the spaths are gone and wont be back, I didnt want this lesson at my age, but it’s learn from this or live a life of denial. What these people do to us is uncomprehendable, but they do it and there are many more out there just waiting for their turn with us – I have learned so much about me the past year because of him and how he almost destroyed me and I was powerless to stop it – but in the end I did stop him – like I said, I didnt want this lesson but it was that or die……
hey guys i have a funny one for you. My socio told me that he never grew wisdom teeth because he was higher up the evolution chain. He also said if i didn’t beleive him i could ask his mother. His mother is as much the problem as you can tell. I told my shrink and she said or i should say looked at me and said he is nuts. he actually beleives this crap because his mommy told him so. Yes this should def qualify his as a narcissit and he would also brag about his iq which i think was all a lie. I would at times catch him using words incorrectly eg. “emancipated” for “emaciated” and i would rub it in and he could not admit he was wrong. And to think he had me thinking he was highly intelligent. His last ex is convinced he’s a genius. Not me. They are crafty at deceit but beyond that he is an imbicile. Oh and he has a gold tooth (another attention seeking thing)
KINDHEART – FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY THE ABOVE POST WAS! FROM BEGINNING TO END. They do think they are gods given gift dont they? If only they knew! I asked mine to tell me what exactly does he see when he looks in the mirror? I said it must be really hard to be honest w/ himself! Because if I were him, I wouldnt like what I see every morning. Yes, he has quite the handsome features from head to toe on his 6ft 5 frame, but the selfish, cold immature boy within is trapped in the mirror. Boy did that ever hit home. He was none to happy.
mine was obsessed with his pecker – I said onetime “you think that thing is your ticket to the world” hope he can always afford viagra or he is doomed…
And yet again, I am reminded that all my comments, thoughts, attempts were AND ARE WASTED attempts to make sense of this type of being. They just dont get it the way we do. Thier lives are so inwardly different. Compatability is really key here. Once the mask falls, we really need to walk, skip, hop, jump, do the backward michael jackson slide … oh ok… BOLT out the door! 🙂
Henry .. he just very well may be doomed then… 🙂
Learnthe lesson, mine has tinted windows all over his house and i noticed how he checks himself out all the time. The thing with him though is he’s a scrawny , grey haired , wrinkly, pasty white thing and even (you’ll laugh at this one) wears 3 inch lifts built right into his two pairs of boots becasue he’s not very tall. With all the criticism i took i never once told him i knew of this. He also has tatooes, the old ballpoint pen type up and down both arms with swasticas just the furthest thing from my exhusband i think you could find. My ex was a very handsome banker with all the qualities this moron doesn’t have. I think in the beginning i was getting a badboy (he’s a biker wannabe) and in reality he’s a coward and not at all what i had thought. It is quite baffling to people as they cannot wrap themselves around what i could have possibly found attractive in him , he’s 54 but looks more like 70 seriously. I don’t think i even noticed the tatoo’s etc. as i was so dam brainwashed but even i have to admit that if you put him next to my ex you’d think i fell off the turnip truck and hit my head. I find it interesting how his exes have told me that they see him so differently now that they have distance as they both have said how old he looks etc. Oh and his ex mother in law has said he’s been using preperation H for years to try and not have wrinkles but trust me it hasn’t worked. haha I for the life of me know i must be brainewashed as i can’t find one person other than the women he plays that finds him at all attractive . In fact they find him repulsive. Can’t wait for the blinders to come off but in this case it’s probably best for my sanity if they come off slowly. hah
Learnthelesson, oh i forgot to mention. Before i found out about the lifts he’s had in his boots for years i noticed that he walks around in his socked feet like a ballerina but i just chalked it up to his ocd and not wanting to get the floors dirty. I should have told him to buy a tutu. hahah
What does “gaslighting” mean?
Kind heart — Just too funny. It amazing how brainwashed we all feel. But I must say for me, my own personal experience, I truly believe there is something from my past (some kind of void/feeling??) something that allowed me to get so off track here. Mine was quite the looker, but outside of the initial friendship, attention, activities, “bonding” and four month romantic relationship, he has no redeeming qualities whatsover that are on my list of traits for a compatible partner. ALL WENT OUT THE WINDOW. Amazing how the mind can control us, our views, or perceptions of another as well as ourselves. I was naiive, and quite frankly used zero common sense for way too long. Why why why?? The million dollar question for me. Something was missing that he erroneously provided initially – and I kept the mask on him in my mind even though in my eyes it and he had fallen from grace. And yes, the whole bad boy image was there for me too (never were my thing ever). Hope you get a good laugh rereading your post and boinking yourself over the head for not seeing all the red flags practically smothering us! Lol . BTW, there is one song that best describes how I feel about him…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp8S0aDCleY. Have a great day. Thanks for the smiles :))