I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Swehrli,
Gaslighting is a particular form of lying that the N/P/S seem to specialize in.
In a way, it’s lying about lying. The liar does and says things to convey a false impression. It’s so subtle that it’s hard for the target to figure out s/he/ is being deliberately mislead. For instance, an N/P/S might start to undermine a target’s confidence with regard to his/her own life competencies, so that the target will blame him/herself for what is going wrong in his/her own life. The N/P/S will often attack the reputation and social standing of the target, so that when the target reports the N/P/Ss malfeasance, the target finds s/he has no credibility. This sort of smear campaign is a form of gaslighting, as well as the subtle campaign within the relationship used to make the target doubt him/herself.
Here’s a full explanation:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a feature of almost all unpleasant episodes with cluster Bs.
If you’ve ever been a target, then the most subtle signs you may be a target of gaslighting can send you running for cover. At least, it has that effect on me. If I think someone’s playing games with other people’s perception of reality, I’m gone!
Swehrli – I wanted to know that answer as well. I googled and found this very information..http://www.gaslighted.com
Hi there Everyone,
Comments on some of the posts…
Mine too had an exaggerated view of himself and his intelligence; he used to tell me he graduated with a 4.0 average from university But then, he often got all tangled up with his usage of words, and mispronounce them. Never kept a job or a friend either.
His exaggerated view of himself extended to his best friend, the mirror, he was ALWAYS checking himself out, yes he was a looker, but that checking was over the top. He used to gel his hair to a perfection when he left me in the morning to presumably go back home, but in reality he was just getting ready for his appointment with his next source of supply. Also had a love affair with his pecker. And, another similarity with some of you, the sex was robotic and cold.
He often got confused with the stories he told me, and towards the end, I would tell him he’s getting confused about the activities he did with his other GFs. I also got texts that were boilerplated from him..I could see it on the text that he used the same introduction lines to other people he sent the text to. He would copy and past. Crazy but true.
I came to the realization at the end that he had NO REDEEMING QUALITIES, and that WINNING (which we all want to do after an experience with a S), is walking away with your head up high and never looking back. That is hard, but it is what I am working on slowly.
Kindheart,
You made me laugh thinking about my P-XBF. He only had a high school education, but wanted to be around people with college degrees, but becase he “felt inferior” to them, he would always want to KNOW something they didn’t so he could bolster his own inferiority thing. He also grew up without money (so did I but I never felt that made me inferior to those who did have more, but he did feel inferior for being “poor”) anyway, he had to flaunt his money and “generosity” and his smarts. He even was FURIOUS if I knew something in my field and he didn’t know it or was wrong. My late husband and I used to ENJOY teaching each other things the other one didn’t know. Sometimes we would both have an opinion, and if we couldn’t decide who was “right” we would research it until we FOUND OUT and then would accept that we had one or both of us learned something new. We LOVED TO LEARN from ANYONE who knew something we didn’t. but the P XBF, he had to “know it all and be RIGHT” or he got SOOOO pissed and would say “You’re rubbing my nose in your college ed-u-ma-ka-tion” I “don’t like to be talked down to by a woman.” If you said “pass the salt” at dinner and didn’t say “Pretty-pa-leeze pass the salt, dear” he would get testy cause I was “ordering him around” LOL I can’t believe I put up with that chit for one day much less 4 months after he started the devaluing. Even then when I broke it off and kicked him to the curb, It BROKE my heart! Sheesh!
Oxy & all: I wonder how many of these characters (and I use the term loosely) only had a high-school education, but pretended like they had more? I wonder if that has something to do with their lack of diligence, their inability to stick to a realistic plan and accomplish something.
I remember the “You’re patronizing me,” or the pointless rages when I happened to be right about something and he was flat wrong. And I don’t get sucked into arguments easily!
Rune,
My P-son,, who is a “certified” genius, didn’t finish high school, and has spent most of his life since age 17 in prison or jail (a total of about 12 months or so out between crimes) and yet he has on his prison intake papers, “B. S. in Computer Sciences”—it’s BS all right! LOL
If anyone with one eye and half sense looked at his age, the dates of his crimes, etc. they could see unless he got his BS in computer sciences before he was 17 (LOL) there’s no way he has been out of prison long enough to take one semester of classes in college. LOL
Oxy: The S/P I was involved with was also B.S. in Computer Science, like your son. I learned later that he might have gotten through one semester in college. He’s one of the slippery ones — a few arrests for violence earlier in life — but no serious jail time, more’s the pity.
Thanks for the info EC & LTL…now I get to add one more thing to the S’s list of what he did…
hi guys, i can remember when i would ask my socio a question and he would answer i would ask again as i obviously had trouble beleiving him and he would arrogantly say “what answer would you like now” . What a jerk eh.
A lie about his education was the first big one I forgave and overlooked. His excuse for making up a B.S. was that he felt so “insecure” around me, what with all the big words and stuff.
Turns out he once worked in a Kentucky Fried Chicken ACROSS THE STREET from a college. Close enough!
Thank God I can laugh a little now.