I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Ha ha ha ha ha you guys are making my day. I have been going to a male counselor who is free for several more sessions through my work EAP program. After that, he said he has a sliding scale that goes low enough to where I can actually afford it. I think I will make a priority of working on my issues with men this year, first and foremost. The issues really don’t have anything to do with the sociopath. They are my issues which I’ve always had. I know it will be hard, but I look forward to getting through this.
It was a little anticlimactic going back on the reptile site. Though it’s fun, I really did get too addicted to it, so I think I will just pop in on the weekends or something like that. Plus I will always be looking over my should there anyway. I’m kind of in a state of limbo now, needing to move in new directions but hung up with some old wounds that I need to heal. I’m hoping when I can do that, some of the PTSD will go away too. Fortunately, I do not have any kind of desire or longing for the S and have not probably since October. That one is long over, thank God. But it will take a while before I’m ready to date again.
I am reading and following your posts, even when not commenting.
Regarding the education level of sociopaths, I think it’s fair to say that they all have their BS in BS.
hey guys, my guy’s family owned a car dealership and sold it for a few millions so i’ve heard. He professes to have worked for 26 years but in actuality he washed the cars there. At any rate he was able to retire in early 40’s as he is leading mother dearest down the garden path. If he didn’t have his inheritance to fall back on i can guarantee you that he wouldn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of. He can drag out washing a vehicle for a whole day so as to make himself look like he’s really working it’s such a joke. My gf calls his white truck (all vehicles have to be white) a janitors truck as he’s so ocd all he does is clean. The chemicals that he inhales on a daily basis should be enough to kill ahorse but he doesn’t seem to have any sense of smell for things. Have any of you guys noticed that as i read that about them somewhere. His eating habits are terrible as well. Juicy jumbo hotdogs and i swear in the 6 years i’ve known him i know for a fact he hasnt’ eaten a single vegetable or fruit only potato chips. He can’t be human as no human could live on what he lives on. That was the first strange thing i noticed, his eating habits. One time i almost fainted as i thought he had a baby carrot in his hand only to find out it was a cheesie puff. Doesn’t drink alcohol either, as i think he’s too worried about being out of control.
LOL, mine claimed to have lost his appetite due to the medications he took for his alleged head injury (which didn’t exist). He described to me how he had to learn to eat again because he didn’t have an appetite for anything. He said the pills he took made him sick. Hmmm. Every time we were together, he snarfed up whatever I would cook. Or whatever we ordered at restaurants. He ate like a pig–anything and everything. Once I figured out he was a sociopath, I looked back and realized 95% of what he told me were lies. And the 5% was the truth just by default or coincidence. These guys will lie just because, even when the truth is more to their benefit.
Stargazzer, i noticed you said you are seeing a male councillor. The doc in the Trauma program i just finished thought a male would be good for me as well. Im seeing my physicatrist first of march and will discuss a therapist but i know one thing, im requesting one who knows exactly what im dealing with and you are right it’s for your own issue. I think the doc might have been thinking that a male therapist could help me with the self esteem issues etc. Im not back to my job yet so im finding i have alot of free time. I know it must be hard to find a good therapist with knowledge of this and could use any help about what i should be looking for .
Tood: Was that “college by osmosis”? Was he doing “field research” for a degree in restaurant management?
When the S/P I was with had to deal with a court-ordered Child & Family Investigator, he told people he had “hired an investigator to help me get full custody.” Given an inch, he’d turn it into a light-year!
Stargazer, i found mine would sometimes put a little truth in his lies just to throw you off. As far as meds go he wouldn’t take anything as i think he thought meds would annul the brainiac he thinks he is. He would go days without eating. At times i could literally see the mental illness written all over his face but as i mentioned before we get so habitualized to their behaviour. When i think back to being at his house and how i dreaded that dam phone ringing as it would literally put me into a panic attack as i knew it was other women and sometimes he would just ignore it and that would be so obvious. I will never for the life of me understand why i tolerated all that crap. My gf used to say it was like the scene of an accident , i just kept going back thinking i could change that horrible outcome and i can’t tell you how many women i knew he had in that dam garage. I’ve heard his place referred to as Transelvania. Im very stubborn and i think i thought you cannot treat me that way so i just kept going back out of spite. You know that old saying “i’ll show you i”ll hurt me”
Kindheart, I’m not sure how to answer you because I’ve had some pretty untrustworthy therapists over the years (mostly women though). I knew I wanted to work with a man to deal with my abandonment issues over my father. He is very kindly, seems to be trustworthy and have good boundaries. He is all gung ho to help me confront the issues, but he encouraged me to say no if I’m ever not ready to answer a question or talk about something. Overall, I have a good feeling about him that he is a nice person and can help me. He is also licensed (I think this is important) and gives out paperwork telling you how to turn him in if he ever does anything inappropriate. All licensed therapists should give you this form. I’m sure it will take some time to really build a trusting relationship with him.
The bonus is that he totally understands about sociopaths and has encountered many of them. He really got it when I told him about mine.
You can always check out the credentials of your therapist and find out if he/she has ever had any complaints.
Hey guys, im receiving my 5 year medallion tonight at my home group so im grateful for that as i lost my mom to alcoholism at the age of 50. You know when i think i managed to stay sober through the 5 years with all the turmoil with the sociopath i have so much to be grateful for. I started out 6 years ago thinking he would be good for me because he didn’t drink. As hard as all of this has been i have managed to not let him take that away. Im celebrating with two great male friends who are having birthdays as well and both were pivotol in helping me with the Trauma program etc. so there are lots of good people out there helping without anything in return. Im counting my blessings and maybe someday i’ll see that this experience has been a growing one and that it wasn’t all in vain. Have a great night everyone.
kindheart48-Congratulations!