I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
I go back and forth between those stages of healing.
It’s been five years since NC., aside the bday card he sent me 3 years ago.
I just started having rally full blown dreams about the S. I am in therapy and I think I am finally releasing some stuff.
Question- Do you people on this forum have re-occuring, for most part disturbing dreams about the s? In particular I have similar dreams with slight changes, almost every night.
Dear learnthelesson,
WELCOME!! You are already far down the road to Healing by accepting that your RE-action to his Actions was part of the dysfunction of the relationship. Forgiving yourself for that is part of the healing as well.
Finding out why you were vulnerable to him is the part of ourselves we need to “fix” and first we must find out what is “broken.”
Glad you are here, I suggest that you keep on reading and reading and reading, some of the books on here, and also Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience” is very enlightening.
Again, welcome, and glad you are here! This IS a healing place. God bless.
Alina said:
“On the other hand, I admit I sometimes feel skeptical when confronted with a person’s “story” about the socopath in his or her life. My ex-husband, after abusing me, blithely turned around and came up with the story of how I was the abusive one in the relationship, I was the deceptive one, etc. It was unbelievable at the time, but a few people believed it.”
Is in it ironic???? This seems like a common thread with the sociopaths. God, all the shame they try to make you feel. It’s like they tap into something very primal, infantile that lives within us. Shame…maybe????
Alina, you are not alone in this. I have gone through something similar, lost people who I thought were my friends because they thought I was making up stories about the s. These people called ME toxic. They just could not see it. In a way it’s understandable, I fell for the deception of the s myself for so many years.
If I looked at myself from the outside, at the time, would I have believed me? Maybe not. The s was so composed, accomplished, helpful, loyal, up-standing in the community, professor allmighty.
Me, worn down, frustrated, angry, voicing anger, feeling crazy, dismissed, depressed, cut off from the world. Who looked more credible to the outside world?
I even had someone tell me that I was jealous of the s’s success, that’s why I felt angry at him. Ha-ha, this was coming from a so called friend who was a practicing therapist. LOL in retrospect.
Thank you “Ox”… I can certainly see from all the blogs and blog comments that this is quite the place to be for “help” with the healing process. I do feel that I have come “a long way” myself, but that there will always be much to learn from this horrible life experience as well as new beautiful ones to be made in my life with healthier souls. I have been physically out of the relationship for over a year, but we dysfunctionally managed to prolong the dysfunctional interaction via text for well over a year. (That fact, is beyond comprehension, but sadly very true). Ending on Christmas Day, to which I did not reply to his self serving “Merry X-Mas” message. Here is where I am struggling… a week weeks ago he started sending “installment payment” money orders via mail. I almost passed out at the mailbox. I thought it wasnt the “norm” for S/P to actually take responsibility for thier actions?? Granted during and near the “end of the journey” I gave him a heaping dose of “some day sit down and take a look at your history, your past, your patterns and see if you can objectively see that the choices you make are reaking havoc in others lives and leaving a path of destruction…etc. But I cannot make sense of the payments after 4 years. Honestly, it has set me back as its the last thing I expected to have happen at this point. Except that its a blessing to be able to recover some of the thousands I lost…Although the financial loss takes a backseat to the emotional loss and personal “loss of self” I experienced. Im in a place of confusion again, out of nowhere! AGAIN
ps..But I will, read, read. reread and keep reading books as you suggested. As I may find all the insight I need to remain strong and focused on my healing process and not on why he does the things he does… Thanks again.
learnthelesson:
Take the money and run. View it as reparations payments akin to those that conquered nations like Germany had to pay in the past.
And don’t look back to give him a thank you or anything else for that matter.
Dear Greenfern.,
I used to have dreams that had “themes” in them and occasionally have “bad” dreams now. Had one last night. The theme dreams stopped when I realized the “message” in them, of me taking care of others while my whole life exploded around my feet. Our subconscious I think processes things that we need to process and so the dreams sometimes have “messages” in them.
I used ot have a lot of “frustration” dreams where I was trying to do something and never could complete it, I think it meant I was feeling “out of control of things” and BOY was that a right on, atta boy message.
I haven’t had one of those in a long time. I am now taking control, taking back my power.
I’m glad you are in therapy I think it helps many times if you can find a person who DOES GET IT about the Ps.
BTW all S/Ps are Ns, but not all Ns are S/Ps.
Learning, I think the money is a trying to “get back in” at some point. Like “See, I’m really a good guy, I paid you back some of the money you gave me….”Don’t expect it to go on two long, though. I hope it does, but HE HAS AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE.
Matt.. wow did I ever need that chuckle today! 🙂
Indigo… you prob hit the nail on the head too.. the money orders are (sit down first :)… $50. But hey, I am NOT knocking it, I considered it a lucky moment in a long list of many unlucky ones with him. Trusting him can never and will never cross my newly focused brain! The emotional abuse I allowed nearly cost me my spirit. I must stay strong and focused.
Ox.. I think thats why I logged on… I was struggling with some weak thoughts and questioning my decisions and choices to “get out”. It must be normal when we are given reminders (especially in the mailbox lol) of the past and unfortunately mine are STILL those of the “masked days” rather than the “fallen mask days”… my initial instinct was that of – HE HAS A MOTiVE – but learning to trust my instincts again is still in the recovery stages.
So glad to have googled “Sociopath” and learned that Im not losing my mind 🙂 and landed amongst some of the most insightful people who help eachother heal through experience.
Dear learnthelesson. I just can second Matt. Take the money but DO NOT RESPOND!!! They do NOT CHANGE!! A leopard does not change his spots!
I fell for a nice card the X wrote me to thank me end of this January for a book on fear I sent him on October last year, and I was reading between the lines he has gained some insight in his behaviour and he has changed. I WAS NOT SEEING THE ULTERIOR MOTIVE OF GETTING POWER OF THE LAST WORD OVER ME!!!
I wrote him back how the book has helped me, how I saw our “relationship” and why it did not work, that it was the best time of my life so far the first three months, what my hopes were. I was seeing afterwards an abyss I never want to see again, that I for sure do not want anybody treat me in my life to come the way he did in the end. And he should not contact me anymore. But that I can look back to the whole time with him without bitterness as I have learned a lot about myself, the world and my place in this world. That he made me a better human being by holding a mirror, and I hoped to be a mirror for him too.
In short, I told him everything about my healing so far. I made myself vulnerable. BIG MISTAKE!!!
He sent me back a very cruel cold card, stating that the whole “relationship” was merely an “escort thing” to him, and on top he was making me look like a bitter woman who can’t cope with having had a “normal” break up, that it just did not work with the two of us as with many other couples, that it is normal to go on, and he was telling me that he found somebody new that gives him a good feeling (thinner, a psychiatrist; so I also felt inadequate reading it having been writing about fear and psychological aspects of relationships) and that I will find somebody too some day.
I felt very upset, and it gives me still today after 3 days a churning feel in the stomach. No Contact is so powerful! The only good thing is that the bargaining came to a halt, the hope finished and ANGER kicked in very forcefully. Maybe I needed it? But I would not have traded the feeling of anger for the GOOD feeling of being in power over the X. I am really sorry I lost it, and I am not sure to get it back as he had the last word now (I for sure will NOT respond to this card). And he has my email to prove to his new GF, he can delete the unpleasant things and just show off the GOOD parts. HOW stupid of me!!! the more I think about the angrier I get.
Do not trust, the money is just a means to a twisted mind game. (he knows the card did not work!) It is all about power! It is like chess, you give away the little pawn to get the queen.
I wish you a very calm evening. If you don’t want to keep the money, why not donate it to a woman’s shelter?
Libelle. Wow, I can really relate to much you have shared. However, looking at it as an outsider, I would say to you and now to myself …
1. If he was really being honest and gained insight in his behaviour and he has changed… then you would not have received such a disturbing cruel cold card!!!!!
2. You are the one who has gained insight and is changing every day! Your words to him were POWERFUL, POSITIVE, MATURE, and quite frankly my exact words to my “S” during our “texting days”…
3. Be careful not to get caught up on his level of needing the “power” or the “last word” or “winning” – he will never again have any of that with you – except you could possibly consider – joyfully letting him have the last word – as you do not need to be a part of that twisted mind game either.
How glad are you that you are not the new GF, being suckerd into reading a “doctored” email that he will envitably have to use because he will find himself on the receiving end of another one leaving him and will have to prove himself through more deceit!
I will not trust my S ever again. You are all probably so right, and to think I almost texted “Thank you”!! UGH He rarely thanked me and never apologized for that matter. I owe him nothing. He owes me my entire savings for starters!
I have not cashed the two money orders (dont know why..) but part of it was deciding where to donate whatever I get back. A womens shelter is a wonderful idea! Im also considering places that specialize in finding a “cure” for this illness through voluntary therapy and medication. Not for my S – as he would never consent to anything being wrong with him – but for future generations to come who show signs/symptoms in thier younger years. I am an optimist that way. But a realist about the fact that there presently is no cure.
Thanks for sharing that with me. I am proud of the way you handled yourself with your X and you should be too! You REALLY showed him you regained your own power and healthy attitude in your note to him. BRAVO