I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Kindheart48: I’m happy that your recovery is going so well.
You are truly blessed with the friends you have surrounding your life.
Peace.
Learnthelesson said about the cell phone thing: “Sumtimes when we were out and about, either doing errands, dining, etc. he kept having to go to the bathroom – I actually thought something was wrong with him! (he was just responding to others).”
Sometimes the similarities in the posts on LF to my own experiences scare me! It’s like some of you have practically said or thought the exact same things that I have.
During the last two days that I spent with the s/p, he too “went to the bathroom” for much longer than he normally does — once when we were at a restaurant. I knew he was on the phone talking to his current target. She thinks she is his girlfriend, and I feel so badly for her!
I felt insulted that he would do something so blatant and rude and disregarding of me. Yet, by that time, I also knew that it wasn’t worth having any feelings about what the s/p does. He will always disapoint.
During those last two days, he also “used the bathroom” at my place . . . except he never flushed the toilet (because it didn’t need flushing). When I commented that he hadn’t flushed the toilet upon leaving the bathroom he grew indignant and exasperated with me. But I knew what he was doing, and he knew I knew. These things sometimes seem so small, so silly, and yet are so insulting. They are significant because the represent so much more: the dishonesty, the deceit, etc.
I’m unemployed. It’s a very frustrating time in my life. I am sometimes tempted to contact the s/p as a diversion from my own problems, but I hesitate and read LF. There are other times when I have felt angry with myself and I am inclined to self-destructively contact the s/p. Has anyone felt that or done that?
I still grieve what felt good to me in the relationship. Generally, I’ve been feeling sad about the loss. One of my friends wondered why I just wasn’t relieved to be rid of him, but she didn’t experience the bonding. If I could have the bonding without the danger I’d probably take it. But that’s like thinking it’s safe to swim in shark infested waters, I guess.
These guys are such a violation of our sense of “normal” that we end up processing and re-processing our experiences with them. Once we know what they are, we have to re-examine every interaction to re-interpret what it meant.
When he took my hand, it wasn’t because he cared. It was because he knew that I felt cared for when he did that and it increased his control over me. When he complimented me for my nurturing spirit, he was reinforcing my caretaking of HIM.
FirstThings, you are lucky that you know “it wasn’t worth having any feelings about what the s/p does. He will always disappoint.”
Oxy said “I was always a better teacher than I was a do-er, but now I am, just like the rest of the people here at LF LEARNING TO DO what I already KNEW WAS RIGHT! Instead of running my life on “emotional fuel” I am running it on LOGICAL and HEALTHY BEHAVIORS NOW.”
Brought tears to my eyes. Running my life on “emotional fuel” instead of Logical and Healthy behaviors, absolutely the story of the past 5 years of my life. And most likely in so many other ways throughout the years leading up to meeting the S – that I wasnt even aware I was running my life that way.
I, too, have a story to share about my past that I never acknowledged existed in my life. I blocked it out. My sister dealt with it head on thru therapy, became a nurse and decided to “save the world” since she (we) couldnt save our beautiful brillant incredible mother. She was diagnosed with what I now know after not being able to accept, process or fully understand for the past 40 years of my life what is clinically known as “schizo-affective bi-polar disorder” shortly after I was 2 years old. My sister was 3. My Mother was 18. My father 23. Long story short – I have seen all sides of everything possible in the world of mental illness, divorce, etc. By the grace of God, by almost everyones account who knows us, we both turned out “not half bad” Thanks mostly to being raised by our maternal Grandmother and Grandfather and then eventually my fathers love and commitment to taking on the responsibilities of raising us in during our teenage years. Custody battles (up to and including) keeping us in seclusion”to his losing court battles and being tearfully forced to send us on an airplane for out of state visitations with my mother (who refused to take any medication which btw absolutely stabalized her whenever we were able to commit her to mental hospitals – but she was so intelligent (god bless her soul:) that she outsmarted the Dr.s or signed out after the required amount of time. I grew up basically telling my school friends that I didnt have a Mom, or avoided the topic at all costs. There would be some letters that went on for pages and pages about grandiose ideas, accusations, tales of seeing me in every state she was in and to stop following her or working undercover against her (I was 15 at that time). For years at a time we never heard from her, but always prayed for her safe return. I could share stories that would seem so surreal and that I was making them up, that I myself do not really want to relive them by sharing. The bottom line is the silver lining in the darkest cloud of my life. In January 07, after another 4-5 year lag of her making no contact with anyone in the family – she showed up at her sisters house. Unfortunately, at the young age of 62 she was terminally ill with Cancer and was given 3 – 6 months to live. My sister an R.N. made arrangements with Hospice to transfer her to her home to take care of her and make her remaining days as comfortable as possible. We never thought we would ever be blessed with knowing when or where my Mom would pass, so this was our first blessing in this journey. Our second blessing, Hospice was able to give her the psych meds she so desperately needed. For 6 wonderful amazing close, hard, sad, emotional months I was introduced to my amazing mother. I got every single word I ever wanted to say to her out of my system ( I mean everything) like how could you leave me? To I love you. To How could you not be there to teach me, show me , protect me. Granted I knew it was not her fault (but the child in me never verbalized any of that). She took it all in. She sat quietly. It was just a moment we shared and I understood she didnt choose to do what she did and she understood I didnt harbor any hatred or resentment toward her. Just lots of emotional wounds that needed to be opened and cleaned. She was a lady. Nails and hair perfectly kept up daily even until her last day. Manners that were way too old fashioned for me a personality to beat the band! Never without a smile and sparkling blue eyes. Opinionated (did I mention opinionated) and smart as a whip. We danced, we shopped, we saw sunsets. She could barely move, but every day I visited she was up and ready, raring to go, through what was the most indescribable pain that i know not one of us could have endured, except this exceptional woman. My Mom died in my arms on August 24th. Amazing Grace was playing on the CD one of the neighbors gave us. Now THATS an amazing song! She whispered “Im sorry” and I only hope and pray that she remained with us in the room long enough to hear me say “DONT BE SORRY, THANK YOU FOR COMING HOME, I LOVE YOU”
Rune, thank you for your response. I was feeling so miserable just moments ago that I was very tempted to contact him as I know that he is online right now. I may step away from the computer to prevent myself from doing so. I could really use some NC encouragement right now.
FirstThings: It’s so easy for us to forget HOW CRAZY THEY ARE!!! Seriously. Over on the thread from today’s post by Donna, I just wrote to Melanie. Your S/P wasn’t quite so over-the-top, but his motivations are just as evil and dangerous. You might read my post there.
I’m glad to reinforce your determination to maintain NC. You deserve to have only decent, sane people in your life.
Learn: What a story! I’m glad you were able to share that time with your mother and have some closure.
Your story also has lots of clues about you and the horrible challenges and dysfunction that were part of your definition of “normal” as you were growing up. Without any intention of malice, you were being taught to tolerate behavior that you should not tolerate in a romantic relationship. This is part of what we have to understand about ourselves and the ways we relate to others who may be toxic to us.
Unlike your reunion with your mother, we cannot expect to have that same happy ending with these S/Ps who come into our lives. That’s what we have to come to understand.
Thank you for sharing that painful but precious story.
ps. I share this story in hopes of helping myself and others with the healing process. For in my heart I feel my FEAR of going to therapy to deal with my childhood further enabled me to ignore the red flags in my S relationship. Further, my high tolerance for unusual/dysfunctional behaviors made the S relationship more palatable. And lastly, my dire need to “fix” this person/ “help” this person as well as “understand” this person and let him know I understood was what contributed to the lengthy dysfunctional relationshi. Afterall I felt I knew “crazy” i knew “mental illness” and he surely was not either. But he was, just a different subtle kind. I think we all have our quirks/uniqueness’ – but when it comes to our livlihood, its up to us to choose our path and protect ourselves, fix ourselves, help ourselves and understand ourselves. Thank you for being a group of people who I decided if you all were brave enough and strong enough to open up and reach out to others as well as for yourselves, that i dern well better climb on board this healing train. Now for a break, and back to read todays posts that i missed. Thank you for this moment in my life Donna.
Rune. Thank you. We were on the exact same wave length at precisely the same moment we posted together. Thanks again! 🙂
DEar Learnedthe lesson,
Yes, you did learn the lesson! Oh, how you learned the lesson!
Thank you so much for sharing this story, I know it must have been tough for you to do so. I think many of us have had “tough” childhoods, but yours was/is so incredibly tough too. Mental illness does some horrible things to the people with it, but also to the children and others who are effected by it. The people who love them.
I am glad that you did have a supportive father and supportive grandparents, in that yo were fortunate. My bio-father was a P and he was not part of my life. Iknew about him, but not him. I wondered, was curious and wanted to have him in my life….when I was 16 he popped up out of no where. When I was 19 he hurt me very badly. It took me 10 years to get over that trauma, but I still didn’t HEAL, I just worked through the worst of the grief and the anger about that ONE incident.
Our childhoods have a great impact on how we function as adults, along with our genetics, and no one gets both 100% right. I did run my life to try to quell the emotional pain, but logically, you can’t do that and succeed. You make bad or at least poor choices. You RE-act rather than ACT. Now I am working on learning to ACT rather than to re-act to what others do.
Settling boundaries with close family/friends has always been impossible (not just “difficult”) but now I am learning to do this even if it means the relationship is no more…but most important, I am NOT FEELING GUILTY AND RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR PROBLEMS, THEIR DECISIONS and their own self-caused pain. I can’t fix them, or even take care of them.
I am so glad thatyou had that wonderful opportunity to get to spend time with your REAL mom who was hiding under the mental illness. That gave you some wonderful time and also closure. I took care of my stepfather (wonderful man) the last 18 months of his life and I would gladly do it again and again. It was some of the best and funniest times we spent together, in an intimacy like never before. I saw a side of him that was so funny with his dry sense of humor that I had never seen before. It makes losing them bearable to have those good memories even at the end. I knew he loved me, but I never knew JUST HOW MUCH until those months at the last. I also realize now that he kept my egg donor pretty much at bay until his death. For that I am thankful, he did the best he could. I know he loved her too, but he protected me as much as he could. God rest his soul!
Learn, you are doing so well, and are I think experiencing true and deep healing and understanding. I am so glad you have come here and shared yourself an dyour insights with us. ((((Hugs))))) and my prayers for you! Love Oxy