I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Dear Learnthelesson, your story of your mother really resonated with me although my mother did not struggle with mental illness she did with depression and alcoholism. She ended up in the hospital numerous times in the physiciatric floor and she too would sign herself out whenever the time was up as she did not want to see that she had a problem as well . I too moved back to the area having my husband transfer at the time with the bank because i was going to fix things(intervention which never took place approx17 years ago) and it was too late and my mom died alone from acute liver failure. I was the fixer and my brother was the enabler and to this day our roles are still so engrained in us. I do think my family of origin did make me more suseptible to accept bizarre behaviour etc. Im so glad you had a chance to have a heart to heart with your mom. Tonight when i received my medallion i didn’t tell the crowd but it’s for my mom who didn’t make it. She was a wonderful mother and i know i have alot of her great qualities and i know she would be proud of me. She like me could be so strong and yet so vulnerable at the same time. I hope you can get out all the stuff from your childhood . I for a long time was blaming my father as he was and still is very distant and is a very selfish and narcissitic person but he does have a heart(only child) and is very compassionate too. I noticed that my socio had alot of similarities to him (dressing in their own style and not caring what anyone else thinks) and they both have made me feel annulled or insignificant. The difference is my Dad is not doing it intentionally and doesn’t know how to show emotions as i know he does have very strong ones but is uncomfortable showing them. I found i was trying to get approval from the s/p the exact same way i had done for years with my dad so you do repeat patterns from your childhood. I don’t hold it against my father anymore as i know he did the best he could but it definately set me up for this guy and he even knew it. They have similar tastes in music , strange way of dressing and they both are more comfortable with men. I don’t like to compare them as i don’t feel it’s fair to my dad but i have to be honest and say it made me accept the behaviour much easier than someone else would.
Rune, do i have a song for you. It’s called “Liar” by Henry Rollins a little disturbing but true to form. Let me know what you think.
Reading all of your stories is like walking the paths of my own life. I can see part of myself in almost all of you. It’s funny how a group of strangers can have so much in common.
All of you have so much hope and strength. I don’t feel so hopeful or very strong lately. I think if I were going to choose characteristics from all of you that I identify with the most, I’d choose those. I would love to have my heart echo those instead of the heartbreak that seeps from some of your posts. Perhaps someday I’ll get better and be able to say honestly that I feel hopeful and strong. Having you all to turn to helps so much.
Thank you all for sharing your stories.
Reading all of your stories is like walking the paths of my own life. I can see part of myself in almost all of you. It’s funny how a group of strangers can have so much in common.
All of you have so much hope and strength. I don’t feel so hopeful or very strong lately. I think if I were going to choose characteristics from all of you that I identify with the most, I’d choose those. I would love to have my heart echo those instead of the heartbreak that seeps from some of your posts. Perhaps someday I’ll get better and be able to say honestly that I feel hopeful and strong. Having you all to turn to helps so much.
Thank you all for sharing your stories.
learnthelesson: Thank you for sharing the story about your mom. The last sentence brought tears to my eyes — I could feel the love you have for your mom.
Kindheart: He told me also that he had been in a rock band. I didn’t know that one of his aliases was Henry Rollins!
Good piece. I’ll add that to my collection. Thank you.
Sabinne, i know it’s a hard reality to face that life is just not fair. I have always been a hopeless romantic and i can cry at just about anything that is the least bit sentimental. I know you have the strength to get through this and not let one person get you down when there is a big wide world out there and so many possiblities. Remember that this too shall pass and tomorrow is another day and it’s not unusual to feel hopeless at times. I’ve been told that when things get tough , it’s just growing pains and trust me i know it doesn’t feel pleasant and then the next thing i realize im feeling alot better and they were right. When you aren’t feeling strong we will be strong for you as i know you would be for us. Yes we have been heartbroken but the old saying it’s better to have loved and lost holds true because at least w have hearts and i know yours must be big as you’ve already said you have so much in common with us all. You are just going through a rough patch as we all will at times. All the best.
Sabinne: There’s an old story about how things happen and what looks like a catastrophe can turn into the on ramp to a whole new highway of adventure. I remember it being told about an old Chinese farmer whose son broke his arm, which seemed bad but it was good because it saved him from . . . and the story weaves back and forth, with the horrible event becoming the catalyst for the next success.
That story was rewritten and told in the movie “Things Change” which is something I pull out from time to time when I need to be reminded. It’s told from a male point of view, but you may be able to roll along with the story line. I don’t want to say any more for fear of ruining the movie.
Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is hold on, for just another hour. Get a good night’s sleep. Choose to have a good hot cuppa something in your favorite mug in the morning. Choose to know that the lying bastard isn’t worth the chipped nail polish on your little toe. And no matter whether he manages to subvert the system to turn it against you — YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE SAYS, you are not the lie. Focus on staying strong, and doing the little details that will keep you going and help expose the truth.
Things change. The karmic wheel turns. Truth will come out. And you don’t need to give him the satisfaction of believing he has beaten you. Just keep doing your best every minute, even if your best is just to get through the next little while.
Dear Oxy… You are so right that our childhoods have great impact on how we function as adults. As well as our predisposed genetics. Making the decision to have children was something I honestly reflected upon and before my first child was born I did meet with a genetic couselor to discuss my concerns. We spoke of the red flags (so to speak) for me to be aware of and she also said something very important to me – we may all very well have a predisposition for any number of illnesses to appear in our lives, enviornmental atmospheres (As well as a few other things) ALONG with a genetic risk factor can cause certain mental illnesses to surface. So basically, while I cannot control what happens with my children, its been of great importance that I go above and beyond in providing my children with a healthy environment. Thats just something i commited myself to when I chose to have my own children.
I am fascinated by so many stories I have read here at LF. I do remember reading your post about your biological father, your son, your egg donor, the X’s and thinking how lucky we are to have this support, as well as to have an internal DESIRE to work on ourselves, learn the lessons and work toward a more peaceful and balanced existence for ourselves as adults. All to ofen, there are so many who, for whatever reason, do not make it out of the place that holds them back. I felt really blessed and lucky last night that I have the courage to want to grow and learn and be honest about my reality – rather than be in denial or fantasy land.
Learning how to act instead of re-act. That is presently where I am, and boy is it a tough one. But oh so rewarding when accomplished! Thank you too, from the bottom of my heart for being here and for sharing your stories and insights, they inspired me to do the same. xoxo
Kind(red)heart — 🙂 Couldnt resist that one… Ever since Oxy and Jim started changing my screenname from learn to learn(ed) to learn(ing) I found myself do the same to others where fitting! I was so touched by your comments about the Medallion and what it meant for you and how you are able to identify with the positive personality traits you received from your Mom. I almost was going to boink you over the head for not sharing that part at the ceremony – but the fact that you shared it her with your other support group – spared you the dent! 🙂 I wish I had known so many years ago how much sharing is truly an integral part of healing! Glad that you are no longer blaming your father (been there and done that too). Acceptance is another ingredient in the healing process. Thank you too, for your well wishes for my ability to work through my childhood – I guess better late than never – really is quite true. Congratulations to you for your well deserved recognition for your setting goals for yourself and actually accomplishing them! Our journey without our mothers surely were painful but we are the only ones responsible for our journey with ourselves. And we now know to set boundaries and no longer accept any behaviors that are not within what we now know to be healthy behaviors for our own wellbeing and sanity! 🙂