I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
hi guys, just got a call this morning and i have a meeting tom morning with the returning to work facilitator so im a little nervous about that. I work at a bank partime and been doing the same type of job since i was 18. (teller/csr) but i never really ever got any seniority as i was always having to work for diff financial institutions throughout my exhusbands moves as i couldn’t work with him. Some aspects of the job i love (the people and the dressing up) but it isn’t really for me but it’s all i’ve ever known. So many people see me working in a highend clothing store , even my old supervisor but im in a pretty small town and i know you hav to be in a large centre. It would be nice to do something you love as my job has quite alot of stress in it evn at my level. Way to much for the pay. I have for a long time now thought of moving but it is a little scary when you are on your own. I have one son in Banff Alberta (just like me) who is a bit of a wanderer but a good kid and my 25 year old son living with me has an honours degree(exactly like his dad) and is waiting to join the military so ther is nothing really keeping me here(southwester ontario, chatham) but im not sure where to take myself. They talk about geographical cures and how they don’t work in AA but i’ve been sober awhile so this would not be the case. Two young girls who roomed with me in the Traum a facility both told me to get out of this town but it’s easier said than done. Im very outgoing so meeting people would not be a problem it’s just that i’ve been through so much that i want to make sure im stable enough to handle it. There is a possibility i could take a transfer through my job. It would be nice to have a fresh new start and meet new people but im going to have to take it slow. I have a gf in Vancouver right now and she loves it there but it’s very expensive and my son has a friend in Victoria , expensive as well. Im in a comfort zone here in this town but i know there isn’t a hill of beans chance of meeting someone decent here. The mentality of the men here for some reason is pretty pathetic. Alot of unemployment and most people are on this dating site and way too many horror stories for me. I guess i better just concentrate on getting back to work and also getting a resume ready. Have any of you ladies or gentlemen thought that a move would be good for you . Kindheart
Support groups (or tribe or community) are important to us as “herd animals.” I think, though some people don’t agree, that a “church” (support group of Christians) is important for us to bolster our committment to try and live that sort of life, not just for a “get dressed up and go somewhere on Sunday” sort of thing.
Love Fraud is a community of people (though most of us weill never meet in the flesh) to encourage and support each other. AA is one as well.
One DOWN side of a support group though, such as AA or churches, is that “non judgmental” and “forgiveness” of “sins” or falling off the wagon is almost mandated. The Ps can use this to “siin” and “sin again” and still get “acceptance” in the group for “trying.” My egg donor’s insistence that I “forgive” everyone, even though they showed no sign of repentence AND “pretend it didn’t happen” (give them another chance to stab me) never set well with me. Unfortunately, many churches and other support groups seem to accept her “views” of “forgiveness” so it allows the Ps to continue on with their predation.
The Trojan HOrse psychopath has got a new congregation of christians enabling him, providing for him, doing for him. I don’t need a crystal ball to know he will eventually molest one of the children there. He is a repeat pedophile after all and all the enabling from the “forgiving” people there will not change his behavior, they ALWAYS reoffend. His parole officer has been warned however, and hopefully will keep an eye on him. He has NEVER successfully completed a parole with out rebreaking the law and going back to prison, so I hope this time he goes back before he harms another child.
I think while we can look back at our childhoods an understand what our parents did and somewhat of the “why” they did it (or are doing it) we can ACCEPT that they are what they are/were what they were and though we don’t absolve them of the responsibility of their actions, at least we can accept it for what it was, and see how it influenced our own poor decisions, and forgive them and forgive ourselves and DO BETTER in the future. The old game of “If it weren’t for ______ (fill in the blank) I would have had a great life” or the “If only s/he would change X, my life would be perfect.” We MUST let go of these thoughts (fantasy thoughts) and realize they are just as outrageous and self defeating as “If I would just win the lotto I would be happy.” INVESTING the rent money in the lotto on the chance it will “pay off” is what we have been doing with our lives up to now, and we have got to find SAFER INVESTMENTS in OURSELVES! Not in the fantasy!
OxDrover, you are absolutely right in that AA and other places (churches etc.) are hotspots for these types but their true colors do come out eventually. There are a few in the program in my small area but don’t kid yourself these predators out themselves, even though they can talk a great talk. I have a male friend in his late 60’s who just celebrated a year and he was so emotinal last night as he’s been in and out for over 25 years came in an alcoholic and then became a bad drug addict and he’s stayed sober in my opionion because of helping others (one being a guy he let live with him recently for about six months to find out he is a pedophile and lied to hi m about it when he asked) and my friend is very disallusioned to some of these guys that had him fooled. The way i look at it though is it kept him sober helping them even though they turned out to be snakes. For years i lived in a glass house and had not idea these people existed or if they did i thought they were in prison but i’ve come to think that they are everywhere. Some places are better hiding spots for them though. Even my physicatrist can’t tell them in the beginning as she said it’s like peeling an onion the layers come off slowly. Talk is so cheap with these types. I have something i want to post from Trauma program brb.Three great quotes i won’t give authors. “Your are not responsible for being down, but you are responsible for getting up” , “You yourself.as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” and last “be attentive to what is arising within you, and place that above everything else….What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love;somehow you must find a way to work at it” hope this helps some. Another interesting thing the doctor at the facility told us is tha t Freud’s theory of bringing your garbage, baggage etc.(and he did a funny demonstration lugging something) to therapy isn’t really the answer and that rehashing can keep us stuck. Not to say you can’t use the past or do some healing , just that it isn’t the cure so to speak.
Oxy…I can forgive. With no contact…from a distance. Trust…no way, never again. Not that “one”.
And my parents were like clones of Ward & June Cleaver of “Leave It To Beaver”. My older brother actually looked like “Wally.” I guess I was “the Beaver”. Had a couple of sisters, pretty normal, except for one…LOL. Can’t find a reason in my childhood-it was me.
I think I had the “rescuer/fixer” gene. Prince Charming waiting for Cinderella in distress…twice. And almost tried it again a few weeks ago…God help me!
“Have any of you ladies or gentlemen thought that a move would be good for you .” Kindheart
Kindheart48-Move? Yeah. One of my first fantasies was how nice a thousand miles away would be…my daughter (older) “That’s why I’m 4000 miles away”…and laughs.
Mine all seem to, so far, be out and on their own at 18.
But, I’ve got the 13 year old, so I have another 5-7 years before i head out. One daughter says “Move out here, 4000 miles away.” Then: “When we go to Scotland, are you sure you want to come back?” The doctor one will probably be in Africa, that’s her “thing”. Got an offer from a friend in Australia…wouldn’t want to burden the oldest (36) and her husband (doing well) a state away.
Already told my older daughters I’ll get my first tatoo when I’m 65…on my chest…DNR-do not rescusitate (spellcheck, anyone)…
Hey I got my dreams, too! I’ll hit the road, or off, bought a jeep. Could get a Harley…lot of mountains and beaches I haven’t seen. The possibilities are still endless.
Jim , i dream alot about all the possibilites and the truth is there is nothing stopping me but fear. Yes my youngest boy 22 came home fr Banff last summer and nearly drove me around the bend again as we are too much alike. I did treat myself to a cute little red convertible a couple summers ago Saturn Skye and it has been alot of fun (not really condusive to the winter here) but i said you only live once. I think the thing that stops me is know where and how. I went throught the tatoo phase so many times i can’t count. in fact in the trauma program my roomie a young mom and a military yuong guy both went and got tatoos but i know it’s not my thing. I am a very impulsive person on one had (risk taker with adhd) and yet on the other im so cautious. Im dreading the winters more and more though as i get older but i am in the warmest part of Canada other than Vancouver or Victoria and as i mentioned so dam expensive. Yes the harley thing is rampant in my town as well but im happier with my car but my sponsor rides one and said that would be a safe risk taking thing for me. I would love to travel as well but i just can’t seem to muster the courage on my own. Jeeps look like fun too. My socio has one he bought i think in the 80’s and the moron has no kilometers on it at all he just likes to sit and stare at it in his garage where he lives. He is saving it for who knows what it’s so stupid and then it’s a big production when he takes it to his mommies and puts it in her garage for the winter , that man is over the top OCD. Wow your kids sound like they have lots of gusto and i’ve noticed that myself the younger generation have a much less cautious attitude. My kids keep telling me to get hobbies, travel etc. they’ve actually both kind of become my parents. Funny eh. how the roles reverse.
Kindheart – If there is a possibility you make take a transfer through your job, that just might be the kind of thing that will help you “go for it”! Good luck with your meting tomorrow morning. Whatever you choose, if you have the flexibility to do something you love – that is my suggestion. Is there another town nearby, that has a large centre that you could consider changing careers as another option? Sounds like you are considering all the options and giving them all good consideration. I had to chuckle… at 41 I got a tiny, teeny ity bity tatoo – totally hidden – just for ME. (ox-eyed daisy) – never in a gazillion years did I ever think I would do that, but it represents so much to me/for me/about me – and my daughter who is a budding artist designed it for me. It was a wonderful opportunity to discuss choices in life, boundaries, limits ( she is my middle wild child) – so the deal was, she will wait until she is at least 40 to make that decision. I too was petrified of “tatoo parlor” cleanliness/diseases/ etc… you name it! I dont even have my ears pierced (lol) and stood out like a sore thumb in the tatoo shop – but its a small piece of what I call “llive artwork” that just helps to remind me of my strength and courage of where Ive been and where Im going. Ive never been one to judge anyone for their choices, I love diversity. The mistake I made with the S was I lost all sight of GOOD JUDGMENT and that while its important not to judge others its important to know their lack of or inability to have good judgment is not something I have to stick around and watch or be a part of. I CANT FIX him. Nothing I can do can change the way he lies, cheats and steals. Except i can ACCEPT that fact and leave and let him continue to self-destruct and let myself continue to heal and open up the endless possibilities one is given when they set boundaries for themself and have a clear understanding of what they deserve and what they want.
Firstthingsfirst – For the longest time I was in a place of feeling lonely, sad…remembering all the good times/good feelings. Thinking of and making up excuses to contact him for what I now call a “quick fix”. But I eventually painstakingly realized we were both doing that to eachother. For so many months we texted (sometimes with hopes of trying to fix it, or sometimes just because I missed the good parts (conversations, LAUGHTER, and updates on our days/lives) and to me IN MY SOUL I had to let go and lose my best friend and did it, only to find IN MY HEAD I would second guess my choice, regretting it and wanting to work it out. . Then each time after we communicated, ultimately there would be a suggestion of getting together or a question of what our boundaries were or how are we going to make it better but then one day came the realization that it was all really just a game to him. He loved when I would make contact he would say “so you miss me already huh? and he would always pick up where he left off, nev really missing a beat, witty, charming like nothing was ever wrong! One day it dawned on me that if I wanted to he surely would absolutely go back to the way things were BUT NEVER ANY INDICATION THAT HE WOULD CHANGE OR TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER. The bottom line was this for me…..He didnt come out and say this, but this is what I finally realized what the contact was about! And I subconsciously saw him saying/doing this ” if you want what I got, you can have it. But my life (his) will not be any different… I will come and go as I please. Do whatever I want when I want. Respond or not respond to you sometimes. Not be responsible for anything real such as maintaining a job or finding a job and I will not pay bills on time. Ill continue to have very little respect for myself or you. And I will continue to control when and where and how we have sex. And withhold it whenever I want. AND I will continue to think i am the ultimate package. Ill ask you for advice, get all the insight from you I can, take anything from you that you offer or heck Ill even ask you for endless amounts of favors up to and including money to help me get back on my feet because the world and everyone in it just doesnt understand me. Ill go places you will never know Ive been. Ill do things you will never know Ive done. I will continue to make you think you know me, when in fact you only know what I know you want to hear/need to hear to stay here, because I choose to live my life this way. So if you make contact with me – I will welcome it and make you feel good and tell you I miss you – but I will never change. Firstthingsfirst, I stopped making contact. NO CONTACT equates to the change you are looking for. Because it will not come from contacting him if he is a P/S he will always be. Stay strong.
learnthe lesson, my s/p took me once to a tatoo parlour as he knew the owner and jokingly talked about him putting his name in 3 inch letters JOHN HENRY ON my body. I sat there just happy to be in the idiots company but i could tell that the owner(who i had just met in AA) just listened but i don’t think he would ever have done it even if i had wanted it. would you beleive my s had me call him John Henry the Third in the beginiing, he does this shit with every woman he meets in the beginning probably trying to feel them out and make them think how important he is. My shrink told me she sure hopes there are never any John Henry IIII and i said no chance of that as he can’t even get it up although hi s on e daugher is a carbon copy of him. He’s of Scotish decent and if you werent scottish you were garbage and he would like to rub into to me that i have some Belgium in me. I remember saying that my children were more Scottish than his as my paternal father and family and my ex were all Scottish and the s had a French exwife with his children. I felt awful and now see how we can lower ourselves to their level and then they throw it back in our faces. I am the least predudiced person i know but this guy brought out some bad crap just to defend myself.
Jim – My Jeep is Army Green! I havent learned how to take the doors off of it yet, but I cannot wait to ride over to my sisters house and pick her up and just have a fun day again! Getting use to the “winded look” last fall wasnt easy, but thats what pony tails are for! Lol The price was right, and it was time to do something for myself. My kids love it, Im back on their “cool mom” list for the week. I can relate to soooo many posts here, its very welcoming. So glad Im here!
Kindheart. “Just happy to be in the idiots company” – Once again I have chills because thats the way I reacted to being with him. And also, he brought out the worst in me, simply by me feeling the need to defend myself of counter one of his sarcastic snide comments. I ended up telling him I have forgiven myself for my immature ways with him because it was clear that I was frustrated and RE acting to his actions/verbal abuse. I ended up not liking myself very much during the last year with him…