I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Happy Fat Tuesday!!!!
RUNE:
Your thoughts on the houses were pretty close to mine. I was thinking “New house” because no judge in the world
Hello nic: While I congratulate you on getting ready for a different future, I caution you about listing or selling the house right now. That may complicate the process of getting the divorce done! And also the real estate market everywhere is just strange; it isn’t like it used to be at all. You will want to check with your divorce lawyer about how this affects joint property and so on and so forth. I don’t know your circumstances: how much you owe on the house, monthly payment, and what it is worth, but these are all things to consider carefully.
KindHeart48
I relate to your post about the less I am in contact the less I feel I know this person…he’s becoming a BAD DISTANT MEMORY. I also relate to realizing our addiction to alcohol, for some of us. Alcohol, loneliness and sociopaths is not a good combination, I would submit. Comments are welcome.
On another note, these people are crafty beyond belief – today, after several months of NC, he emailed my uncle and aunt, who I had introduced him to, saying please keep in touch, want to hear from you etc…all this in an effort to subversively get to ME, as we know it.
What an operator…since he knows he is blocked everywhere with me (phone, cell and email). How I know this is that they’ve forwarded me the email – now I have “indirect” people I have to worry about as to NC with the “S”. They actually understand the devastation fo sociopaths, and will not respond to him. But I suppose I should be asking them to not forward his emails…Any advice….
Thanks Rune-
I have considered my decision carefully. The house is mine and a building we had is his. I am already off his building which he just refinanced and got a large amount from. I am drowning in this house. It is too much in size and money. When we were together we split the mortgage and he paid the rest of the bills. He left and hasn’t paid a dime since. Monthly expenses are over 2500. I am not going to get much because of the market but that is ok. I have come to terms with that. So the selling of the house is ok. Thanks for your concern.
star, thanks for the astrology tip as i will def look into it. One thing holding me back is i pretty much own my own home and real estate is so cheap here. my house is worth approx 145 and it’s a cute enough house but what’s a house if you are not living the way you want to be. and Nic i’ve seen so many women that instead of making it on their own they get involved with men and end up worse off when in fact they thought they were getting security financially and emotionally. For instance i’ve been single as my s barely let me stay the night he’s so ocd and i could have gotten myself into a lot of trouble if i had let someone move in or married someone including the jerk. True i don’t have someone to share alot of things with but at least i haven’t lost anything financially. I have two sons and i don’t want to let some guy take what i’ve worked har d for. I certainly don’t make alot of money and im still getting support from my ex and im far from rich but im comfortable enough(and pray i stay that way) that i don’t need some man . A lot of men love to get women who are vulnerable financially because they are easy targets. I’d rather eat ramen noodles every day then have to take some guy in and be dependent on him. You will be fine on your own. I was scared to death after my divorce as i mentioned my ex was a banker and he looked after absolutely everything and i surprised myself, looked after my grandmother and then grandfathers estates and i hadn’t ha d to be responsible for my entire 17 year marriage. for the longest time i would call my ex and say should i do this and that etc. and now i realize i don’t need a man at all for these thiings. Yes im just a telller at the bank but you know what, i found out im alot smarter than i gave myself credit for. You will be so proud of yourself for making it on your own. All the best.
Lost that post somehow….
Because no judge in thew world -I hope – would make us take this dump next to HIS SKANKWOMAN.
But I need the house mortgage free – let him keep his debt – bastard owes me!!! Then I could pay taxes and maintenance on both places, kids would be so content, shore house would be my ace for a college education in case Disney Dad goes bankrupt in his new venture. Nice plan but how do I drug NH and get him to sign. Maybe all his book irregularities will offer some leverage. I have always acquiesed to him but he has no idea what he is dealing with now. Bastard has taken what he promised from our children – never mind me- and I want them to have a decent life-in spite of him and all his selfishness.
Any thoughts???
Sociofree, i know how you feel and yes tell them to please not forward the emails. I’ve been trying to not only help the s but his daughter who is into meth for years and i kept trying esp with my own recovery from addiction. I now realize i have to be finished with her but her maternal grandmother (who’s daughter died of cancer a few years back and worked for same bank as me) calls me on a regular basis for support and even that is not healthy for me. It’s so strange as i’ve grown to really like this lady as we have a common bond(hating her ex sonin law) as she knows how horribly he treated her daughter and i listen to her as she’s elderly and doesn’t have alot of people she can talk to about her grandaughter’s addiction. I’ve grown so fond of this lady and think she feels the same way about me but to be true to me i should not have any contact with her either. You see anyone that has any connection in anyway can say some little insignificant thing to them that can literally set us right off if you know what i mean. I know your relatives meant no harm just as my sociopaths mother in law but we are so raw and sensitized that we can’t afford it if we can avoid it at all. He’s just thinking of ways to remind you that he’s still waiting to see if you respond. Here’s one for you , a couple of weeks ago not too long after i got out of Trauma program, i got a call from the ex mother in law saying she had heard a rumour from her other son in law that the socio had died. Her second son in law said we couldn’t be so lucky. So they decide to call me even though he has moved on with some other woman and then some on the side. I ended up calling and blocking my number and he answered with his usual “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa” and i hung up and shook like a leaf in the fall. I was so shaken mostly because i had said some pretty terrible things to his ex mother in law and she the same. Long story short , he was alive and well and basking in people calling and thinking he was dead. The only problem is the moron can’t seem to see that people were hoping (feel bad saying this but true) he’s just thinking oh look how many people care. I am trying to distance myself from the mother in law even though i really like her because anyone , even someone who despises him is still a connection. It’s hard to avoid all the triggers though but we do owe it to ourselves to avoid the ones we can see coming. He’s using your aunt and uncle by proxy as they ar e experts at that. Remember you have the upper hand because you are doing NOTHING about it. Stay strong.
NewLife08: You are still in the shock phase of your trauma with your EX. Do not, and I repeat, do not expect anything substantial from your EX to appear … even if it is court ordered for him to do so.
YOU need to understand what you are dealing with. He is an illusion. Period. There is NO SUBSTANCE to what he or any of “them” are all about!
If you want a life, then dig in your heels and provide for yourself and your children. Period.
Do NOT expect a dime from your EX … even if it’s court ordered. The courts can order anyone to do anything … and they never follow through on the court order.
Pull yourself together. The life you build for you and your children is what you need to do. SOLO! By yourself.
I hope you understand that you are the only responsible adult in your children’s lives. You are the only one they can rely on! Understand this truth!
You will make a new life for you and your children. One step at a time … step by step and you will get there.
Peace.
JIM, YOUR TATTOO!!! I HAVE SAID THE SAME THING FOR YEARS! AND IN 3 YEARS, WHEN I AM 65, RIGHT AT THE TOP OF MY LEFT TIT, DNR.
There has never really been much change (about like the lotto) of CPR or even ACLS brining back a “useful” life. I don’t want to be a veggie! I saw one case where a 50 year old woman last year had a cardiac arrest, in front of 4 paramedics and INSTANT CPR and DEFIB and she made it. One in a MILLION. TV of course shows that “anything can happen” and people walk out of a hospital after a 20 year coma and all that CRAP and that is all it is TV fantasy!
Some woman already made the papers doing the DNR tattoo, she was 80.
I will buy my own needle gun and own ink, no chance of getting Hep C with it that way. But that is for my 65th BD present to myself.
I hope I have another 10 or 15 years of healthy life, but I try to live each day as if it was my last, as trite as that sounds! I don’t know where the “years went”—the days go slow and the years go FAST, and FASTER and FASTER as they go by. I look in the mirror and wonder where the old lady came from! But life is GOOD now and I am really happy, satisfied and for the most part, couldn’t wish for anything better. Enjoying things every day.
Today bought two good dairy goat does due to kid soon so my son and I can have milk again! I’ve developed a lactose intolerance andhe has never done well on cow milk,, so back to squeezing teats! But I make cheese and other stuff out of excess milk, so we will have lots of tasty things. I’m container and raised bed gardening this year after many years of no garden (can’t hoe because of elbow injuries) but can raise a few fresh veggies in the raised bed with little effort.
I don’t recommend anyone MOVE or make any UN-necessary “changes” of any kind for at least a year after the chaos of a break up or death or other serious STRESS as change causes stress and sometimes in our stress reactions we will make some poor decisions regarding moves and changes. (been there and done that folks!) I suggest instead that you KEEP STRESS (CHANGE) AT A MINIMUM FOR AT LEAST A YEAR to give yourself time to recover from the stress over load and to process the grief.
I realize sometimes that change is UNAVOIDABLE but keep to a minimum if possible. I am feeling much recovered but realize I still need to keep the changes mimimal if possible for another two years since my stress was of such LONG DURATION. The longer you have been stressed, the longer recovery time needed.
As spring approaches my mood is elevating (with more sunlight and longer days) and am anxious to get out and DO things, live life, enjoy life. REALLY looking forward to doing things instead of just making myself do them, that is a great feeling. I had that feelilng last fall for quite some time, but winter always gives me the blahs, but not as bad this year as many, and already the spring fever is setting in! Jonquills are blooming here though sometimes it will snow or ice and cover them up! Everything is going to be wonderful, “come spring” (that is the title of a book i read years ago that I loved, COME SPRING!
Oxy – In three years when you buy that tattoo gun – I am going to shave my head and you can tattoo a cast iron skillit on my head – Deal?