I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
I have a better offer – I will tattoo you and then you can tattoo me..
DEar Henry,
We can get you a HAT that looks like a skillet. I can make you one out of felt! That would be cool and you can wear it to the lovefraud party where the rest of us will be wearing bumble bee tu-tus and hip wading boots! LOL That way we will know who you are! LOL ROTFLMAO
I will be the old bat wearing the Bumble bee tu tu and riding a black jack ass and waving the skillet! You won’t have any problem recognizing me! and, if I have my tattoo by then, I will have a cut out in the front of my shirt showing the tattoo! Wouldn’t that be COOL!@.......!!!
now that I have picked myself up off the floor from laughing – that would be so cool – I think we should make a Short film out of our LF party – who knows we may all end up at the academy award accepting our Oscars of survival
Learnthelesson said, “NO CONTACT equates to the change you are looking for.” Thank you, thank you for your response. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Your summation of the s/p’s modus operendi is uncannily accurate. It is a game to them, and for them, a game without rules. The passage that you have written is such a good reminder of all that is a stake. I will reread it to remind myself.
Stargazer said, “These guys will lie just because, even when the truth is more to their benefit.” How true! What’s worst than dishonesty is deceit because deceit leads you to believe something other than what is true. The s/p I knew, lied to me even when it did not benefit him and made no sense to do so. Many times, I could barely guess at or understand his motives. Except, I think that maybe his lying made it so that he was the only one “in the know” and being the only one “in the know” gave him a sense of control.
Yet at other times, the s/p barely tried to cover his tracks making it really easy to discover his transgressions. He did not care how what he did affected or affects me. He just does what he wants to do. He now has nothing to do with me as (1) I am on to him and his ways and (2) I have told him that I am not responsible for him and therefore no longer represent a “source”.
I am letting myself feel sad because I do feel sad. I am now trying not to push it away. It is kind of like I am mourning for myself — for the self who was mistreated but who withstood the mistreatment because it was of no use to try to get him to see the light, because I felt stuck — I had given my word that he could live with me for a certain amount of time — because I deeply cared for him and mistook his mistreatment of me as his problem and not mine.
DEar First,
Giving your word to a psychopath is a totally wrong thing to do, KEEPING YOUR WORD TO THEM is even worse! They will USE you even more. They use our HONESTY AGAINST US. Don’t feel bad if you “broke your word” to the psychopath, you did the RIGHT THING because that is like feeling guilty for lying to “Hitler” and saying “I am not a Jew” when you were. There are some things you have to do to survive, and if breaking your word to a psychopath is one of them, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! You have no obligation to be honest and upfront and “keep your word” to them if it is to YOUR benefit to break it.
It is like the old saying “Locks are for honest people” because no matter how you lock it up, if someone wants to steal your stuff they will. Psychopaths are not ones that we are obligated by our morals to “keep our word” to.
His mistreatment of you IS HIS PROBLEM, but you don’t have to allow it to become YOUR problem. You are getting it, First, and the pain and the sadness will pass. ((((hugs)))))
FirstThings: You said, “He did not care how what he did affected or affects me.” Actually he did. He “cared” that whatever he did hurt you. That was what he wanted. You can’t “break your word” with a psychopathic person, because they never are capable of making an agreement that THEY intend to keep, but they trust that they can manipulate you through YOUR word.
You cared because you are a caring person. Now put that caring onto someone who deserves it . . . YOU!
Oxy-saw your tattoo and “moving” post this morning. LOL. And here I was foolish enough to think I had an original thought…the 80 year old story was probably stored in my brain somewhere…”All is vanity”
For a long time I thought I was lactose intolerant. Turns out I was P-intolerant. The x continually badgered me…there was “something” medically “wrong” with me. I got a “full” medical workup after the divorce, blood, treadmill, pulmonologist…over 90% lung capacity after smoking 2 packs a day for 35+ years (not that I’m proud, just stupid).
It was STRESS. Headaches disappeared, indigestion disappeared, energy returning (still in-process after three years). It do take time.
I feel for those here just starting the process…I remember the really bad days…isolated, self-pity, mind-movies, mad/sad. Wish it was easier!
It would be much worse without this site turning on the “lightbulb”. TOWANDA! (can the guys say that?)
jim … towanda is pretty much woman-identified, but hell, if you can feel it, you can say it!
thanks for reminding that recouping our energy takes a lot of time. i was nearly dead in august, and i’m laying here wondering why i’m so drained ALL the time. thinking i’m sick, but doctors can’t find anything wrong with me except high bp. i suppose i’m still p-intolerant too.
i remember when i was with abomination-man, i was never tired; always ready to do more to keep the jerk around.
i’d rather be tired than involved, but it’s good to know that i’m still recovering my energy … as well as my sanity.
grazie.
lostingrief-Oxy has described it pretty well. When he was around, you were “hypervigilant”, stressed, and running on and depleting your “reserves”. Now you’re recovering and de-toxing. Give it time. Three years and I’m still not there. I’ll give myself another year or so…then I’ll have to face the fact I’m just lazy and need to take action on me. NO CONTACT, no chaos, too restful…but necessary. You will be back…the real you.
OK, so how about “TOWONDO”, is that a better gender-specific one for we Neanderthals?
Like Jim Said:
“NO CONTACT, no chaos, too restful”but necessary.”
I’ve been sleeping through the night for about two weeks now. Boy does that make a difference. I’m almost “smart” again.
It’s the “no chaos” Jim spoke of. Gradually the calm reaches our innermost being.
I was reading about boundaries again, because discovering the concept has really helped me lately. I stumbled upon this site about BPD, and their remarks about chaos.
http://www.bpd411.org/chaos.html
It’s a good site. They had some pretty valid things to say about chaos. Since women tend to be diagnosed as BPD for the same traits a man might be labeled an S for, I thought it might be helpful to someone here. There were some significant similarities in the experiences and behaviors of the BPD EXs.
Any how: Say no to chaos. I can’t get over how much happier our household has been since we started avoiding people and situations that induce chaos. We are loving the restoritive qualities of calm.
Both kids have the flu today. (They started barfing all over us at 0300. That’s no fun, but because our overall mood is calm and optimistic, it’s no big deal. With our restored emotional resources, life is so much easier to face.