I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
The “NO CHAOS” I think is even a better phrase than NO CONTACT. Because it isn’t only contact with them, it is CHAOS that gets us. If we even allow them to create CHAOS in our lives we LOSE.
Until an AH HA moment about a month ago when I ran into my egg donor in the store, I hadn’t realized how LITTLE CHAOS I had had in my life, and it WAS ALL CHAOS a couple of years ago, then after the chaos itself stopped, I was still ‘VIBRATING” from the chaos, still MAKING STRESS about it inside my head.
After the PEACE AND CALM started to have their effects, it was SLOW going. My physical health had to recover before I got any energy either mentally or physically. I was still quick to respond to any “stressful stimulation.” I would cry or get angry quickly or both, I would “over react” to any problem, etc.
When I ran in to the egg donor though, the STRESS made me physically ILL for about 18-24 hours, and it was such an UNUSUAL FEELING and the response to the stress of her so INSTANTANEOUS that it made me realize that the high level of STRESS I had lived under made me feel sick, tired, worn out, rung out, washed out and run over by a train ALL the time (before) NOW I DONT FEEL THAT WAY ALL THE TIME, and if something comes up that does make me angry or irritable (rarely) then I DO NOT HOLD IT IN, I take care of it as quuickly as is possible. Get it over and done with.
I don’t hold on to anger now, I take care of the PROBLEM QUICKLY so it doesn’t fester.
In short, I am DE-stressing myself. Keeping my life as STRESS-FREE as possible. I am finding I DO NOT LIKE THAT STRESS-INDUCED “HIGH” I get off the adrenaline and I don’t enjoy the “hangover” physically that I have from a shot of it.
It used to be that I LIVED STRESSED and accepted those feelings as “normal”—-NO MORE. I DON’T ACCEPT THAT AS NORMAL or a way to live.
My sleep patterns are IMPROVED but still not “normal” and may never be, in my medical study of “sleep patterns” and other sleep related issues, I have discovered that the sleep patterns CHANGE dramatically in the “elderly” (and let’s face it folks, at 62,I am fast approaching the E-word –Elderly) and the deepness and length of sleep decreases. Many elderly experience the same thing as I do, with that. It also may be that their sleep problems are caused by chaos, who knows? Anyway, I have corrected my SLEEP APNEA problems with my “Darth Vadar” mask and machine, and seldom have to take a sleeping medication in order to get rest.
When your body is under the EVIL influence of CHRONIC high stress, there are lots of things that befall it. It is difficult for a physician to find “what’s wrong” because there are no specific tests for it that I know of.
I have found some interesting things now though that the stress is down. One, I do not have irritable bowel syndrome (alternate and unpredictable constipation and diarrhea), I now realized I have developed a lactose intolerance and can’t “do” cow milk any more. THAT was my problem not IBS, so now I can fix that problem easily. My son and I got milk goats again and will have plenty of milk–we are milk-a-holics–and no longer have the problem that plagues us both. I COULD buy goat milk at the store (and BTW folks, fresh goat milk tastes just like store-bought cow milk, BUT CANNED GOAT MILK IS SO BAD THAT A MAGGOT WOULDN’T DRINK IT!) but because fresh goat milk is about $4 a quart at the store and it is many miles to find or buy milk from someone else that I trust, we decided to get the goats instead, which is what I did when he was very young and no commercial goat milk was available except canned.
The lowered stress responses (your stress-glands are just overworked) is another factor. Your body is just WORN OUT because it has been running full-out on stress hormones so if a real emergency comes up,your body can’t respond to more stress the way it SHOULD in times of danger.
It takes TIME to recover from LONG-TERM STRESS just like it does pneumonia, or any other illness. There are some interesting articles here on the effects of stress on body and mind, go read them or google them, you will be really “floored” by what you read when you compare it to your own self and your body and mind’s responses.
The effects go away slowly, just like they built up. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT to keep the stress down, to keep the hyper responses and the CHANGES in your life at a MINIMUM if you possibly can for as long as you can! And, don’t ever let yourself get into a continual stress situation without taking care of YOURSELF FIRST!!!!
hey guys , just heading into work to have a conference call with facilitator to integrate back to work and im going to have a little prob getting up in the mornings. The med im taking makes it hard to get up so im trying to cut the dosage down. I stil l have the p in my head but im not as drawn to him as i have been in the past and not quite sure how long ive been in n/c but less than 2 months. Here’s somthing funny i heard in AA, when you start to listne to that fanatic in the attic DON’t when i comes to our wishful thinking with these creatures .
Kindheart – Good luck today! Hope its a positive experience and opens new opportunities for you to continue to heal and move on from the negative P experience you had in your life!!
Elizabeth Conley-don’t forget to call the “school” to report the absences…LOL
Oxy-“e” sleep patterns? I’ll let you know. Even P free, I can still create my own problems. Woke up at 4 am. Finished first pot of coffee and ate breakfast. Had to go to the post office at 10 am..picked up a “venti” of Starbucks bold Sumatra..(when it’s sitting there ready when you walk in the door you know you’re there too much)…oops…forgot I made the second pot at home. Waste not, want not.
Well, you get the picture…new rules are no Starbucks after 6 pm. No more than 2 pots a day.
Seriously, I still wake up every 2-4 hours. The cat doesn’t help.
I sleep better after shredding the AARP solicitations…I tried to tell them I’ll be 18 til I die, now.
Sure appreciate the perspective and wisdom from the those approaching the Golden Years, though!
kindheart-Best of luck!
Elizabeth Conley-I’ve been through the bpd411 site a few times, pretty good but I don’t think it’s updated lately. There’s a “survivor/bravehost” site with some neat quotes, too, from men and women.
BPD-I think the distinction is the “splitting”, the black & white idealization then devalue and discard. And the “abandonment” issue. When my x ambushed me a few months ago she said: “How can you live alone?” I said: “I’m fine” No details…minimize contact. Secondhand, I heard when she and “the boyfriiend” blow up and he goes back to his wife, she has a few on the internet sites as “back-up” LOL
Maybe I’m just a hermit by nature…nobody else to blame for chaos that way. Men are simple creatures…(Dr. Laura)
Hope the youngins feel better!
Jim,
CAFFINE IS A POWERFULLY ADDICTIVE DRUG. I also do c-coffee, but have cut down considerably and am not drinking much after noon. I tend to be a 3-11 shift person anyway, always have been, son C is a 7-3 “shift” person. gets up early and goes to sleep early, I want to naturally get up late and stay up late. I am allowing my times to change to my more normal rhythms but still stay within a reasonable “day time up” so I can get things done and be more in tune with the world. So, I usually get up by 8 (son C prizes me out of bed with a cup of coffee) and try to get to bed by 12 or 1 a.m.
A meal of high carbs will also help you sleep, as it naturally makes you drowsy, and I also take melatonin 3 mg as a natural sleep aid, it does work and doesn’t leave you groggy. If you have daytime groggy problems from other medication, try varying the TIME you take it.
“E-sleep” isn’t as many hours as we sleep in our younger years or as deeply and has normally more wake ups and nearly awakes. Many E-people complain of not getting “good” sleep, but they are just experiencing the “normal” age-related changes. Good sleep “hygiene” is IMPORTANT too. Setting a “regular schedule” and keeping to it is important as well.
It is difficult when your mind won’t “turn off” so I try to use meditative exercises during that time and it bores me off to sleep more quickly. As I breathe, I count the breaths, in is One (out is “and”) in again is Two, out is again “and” etc. up to four and then start over 1-4. It focuses you on your body and your breathing instead of worrying about tomorrow, etc. It takes some discipline to do it, and I get side tracked with “flying thoughts” sometimes but then I keep working at it and eventually drift off.
High caffeine intake will screw around with your sleep cycle, so I do suggest you keep it lower and before NOON. Also, NEVER QUIT CAFFINE COLD TURKEY, it will make you almost as sick as someone coming off of hard drugs! Start by cutting down 50% each day for a week or so. If you get a head ache take a SMALL SIP of a caffeinated drink and it will stop the head ache. I quit a 20 cup a day habit once cold turkey, and NEVER AGAIN. Keep in mind too, some over the counter medications have caffeine in them, so check. Any kind of steroid medication Rx’d by your doc will also give you the “wide awakes” too.
SLEEP IS IMPORTANT, not only the amount of sleep but the QUALITY of the sleep. A sleep deficit is difficult to “make up” and you may notice you seem to dream more (this is the body trying to make up for REM deprivation.) Not enough sleep can also cause you to appear to have more “nightmares” as well. If you snore badly, get evaluated for sleep apnea. Treating my severe sleep apnea made a HUGE difference in my life. Many patients are not willing to go through the learning curve on the machines and treatment, but it made me feel SO MUCH better that I am the WORLD’S MOST MOTIVATED PATIENT!!!
Really happy to see posts about taking care of yourself. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me? I’m waking up at 3:00a.m. and can’t go back to sleep, am extremely depressed and still crying over what the S did to me. I am, however, very proud of myself for hanging up on him last Thursday when he called. It was only to harass me and make me feel bad. Today I should have my interview on the charges brought by the S at my job. I’ll be glad when this is over. I’d like to get a life somewhere along the line!
Jim – Most interesting and even more telling to me was your x’s comment “How can you live alone” – When in fact it appears to me she is living perhaps a stressful/lonely life (with the exception of having someone living in her home) who keeps going back to his wife, etc., and she has to find herself at your doorstep.) She doesnt have a clue of the journey you have been on and continue to follow for your own healing and growth.
And on a side note, I truly believe there is healthy chaos and unhealthy chaos..
And being alone vs being with a life partner is a choice, one all of us here at LF truly respects and understands after going through an unhealthy relationship with an N/P/S. The journey is always better alone with goodness, respect, empathy and love for yourself and others vs. being with an unhappy/unhealthy partner (alone and lonely) just for the sake of being with someone.
On caffeine: Peets Italian Roast in a French press. The whole activity is a sort of meditation for me, and I can’t make too much at once!
Swehril – I had a double whammy of sleep deprivation this past year. As it relates to the S – it truly just takes time. The key is to monitor the depression level, but I found that when i gave into the tears and the thoughts and told myself “this is ok to do right now, I need to get it out, and that theres nothing wrong with what I am feeling because I went through so much and gave so much goodness/love/benefit of the doubt to someone who didnt deserve it, process it or care about it”. I came to see that my reaction was a healthy one – his ability to “Carry on and move onto the next in line on his list” was unhealthy. Its been 2 months of NC for me, and just recently Ive been able to rest my head on my pillow at night and not think about him. I still do when I wake up, every now and then throughout the day. But much less. And the tears are non-existent for now. Again, we all have our own time-table but you are doing so well! Hanging up on him last week was a HUGE step in the right direction. Good luck with your interview. As long as you believe in yourself, and share the honest facts, whatever will be will be, but the truth usually does come out in the end, sometimes it just seems like it takes forever!