I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Thank you LTL: Your post helped me tremendously. Everytime I read something someone has addressed that deals directly with my situation I end up saying to myself “See I’m NOT the crazy one”. It’s only been six weeks for me since all of his lies came to the surface so I guess I’m on the right path to recovery…I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much!
swehrli-hoping and praying your work situation works out well for you.
learnEDthe lesson-funny…I was thinking “how can I NOT live alone after 25+ years with”…oh, well, it was only the last 10 that got Real bad…didn’t bother.
Someday…sometime…or not. It’ll be alright.
Oxy-meds? When I have to go to the doctor…they’re shocked I don’t take “meds”. Is there some law I got to?
My neighbor’s 83. He doesn’t take “meds.” Well, he was married 62 years, his wife passed away a few years ago, and now his new bride within the last year just turned 80. He says he takes generic Tylenol once in a while, if he can’t get moving in the morning. Biggest problem is keeping him off his roof or out from under his cars…the other neighbor…threw out a multigenerational clan of S, P, who knows what…he’s 40…just him and his dog for almost a year now…he told them “the bank is closed”…they finally stopped coming back. LOL. Lost my entertainment and had to get cable.
And, there was a study some years back. Seniors who drank coffee had a better sex life…so, just in case….I should be OK. LOL
I’m glad the mask helps…Darth Vader? Dick Cheney might want it back. Did a light sabre come with it? I want one in “Yoda green” “Do or do not, there is no try.” One day they’ll sell Oxy light skillets…bzzzzz
It’s 55 degrees, sun, I got to be outside. Later
Jim
OsDrover:
You beat me to the punch abou melatonin. I used to fly a lot internationally on business. Two melatonins before the flight and I slept like a baby.
Also, m doctor suggesested I take it along with Ambien. The Ambien was losing its effect on me as things got crazier and crazier with the S. I would get a couple of hours sleep and be up at 2AM. The melatonin evened out the Ambien.
I’m in the midst of being weened off the drug cocktai my shrink put me on when things got crazier and crazier. I am looking forward to being klonopin, Ambien and Remeron free.
Jim: “How can you live alone?” In my case, about 4 months before I drove off S, I realized that I was supposedly in a relationship and had never felt more alone.
Even though your S was under the same roof with you, if she was anything like my ex-S, you realize that except for all the energy you dedicate to trying to make their lives work and respond to every whim, lie, etc of their’s, your needs go so unmet in a relationship with an S, you may as well be alone. I think that feeling is so much worse than living alone by yourself.
Dear Matt,
I still take the effexor antidepressant, and I really am not able at this pointto do without it below the decreased dose I am taking. I think I may have been somewhat depressed my entire life. I do have SAD in the winter time and did take a low dose of effexor for several years from Dec 1 to Mar 15th then tapered off each year it it helped the SAD a LOT.
I was on a mega dose effexor, but now take a mid range dose.
Because of my arthritis I take 2 coated asprins in the a.m. and 2 before bed along with my effexor and occasionally I will take an ambien, and usually a melatonin with our without the ambien. I cut caffine out, usually by noon-ish, and eat a high carb snack before I go to bed (but not a big one)
I try to “wind down” if it has been an exciting day and meditate a bit, then put on my DArth Vadar equipment and go to sleep.
I have always had a “room mate” of some sort most of my adult life, either a husband and/or kids except once for 8 months when all kids were out of the house and it took some getting used to but I got “okay” with it after 2 or 3 months of feeling like something was “missing.” When son D and I are roomies, after dinner he goes to his room and I to mine and most of the time you don’t even know he is in the house. He is a GREAT roomie, son C takes up more “space” in the house than D, but we haven’t had much problem at all or felt crowded since he has been back. He still has been somewhat cranky at times, but we IMMEDIATELY TALK ABOUT IT and handle it. He is improving and hasn’t invaded my space any. If I need space and he is chattering I just tell him, “I need some ME time now, see you later.”
His nervousness and hypervigilence is decreasing and he is more self motivated, he gets up early and uses the internet until daylight then outside to work on some project around the farm, then gets me up about 8 or so, and I am a slow waker-up-er so it is 9 or so before I’ve had my first couple of cups and really gotten awake and active, then I start my day’s projects.
The three of us sit down at night after supper and decide what the next day’s priority is and make a list and then divy up the work and usually work til 5 or 6 p.m. or there abouts. We take a couple of days a week off for recreation though not always “weekends” and are also flexible most days if plans suddenly change for one reason or another. We’re all pretty well self directed and agreeable so there have been no major problems of any kind and C has been home since first of November or thereabouts. Son D and I haven’t had a cross word in YEARS so no rubs there. Actually he is the best roomie I have ever had.
Eventually they will move out or I will move out and let one of them and their wife have this house and probably move into a smaller one. Son C already has a house on the farm but it is currently rented out as it is cheaper for him to live here than in a separate house and pay another set of utilities. So if for any reason it “doesn’t work out” him living here he can tell the renter to move out and move back to his own house and still be “here.” I don’t expect that unless he gets serious about some gal though. I think he likes having my and his brother’s company, as well as the financial savings.
He has never been much of a “mama’s boy” until he moved home this time, but now he can’t pass me in the hallway without giving me a hug and telling me how much he loves me 10 or more times a day! It’s good to see him smile and enjoy getting up, and even enjoy the work he is doing.
Hey Jim, iam so glad there isn’t a Starbucks in my town or you’d be peeling me off the ceiling. I love the stuff and our version in canada is Tim Hortons which isn’t as pricey, strong or as fancy. Im very bad for caffeine and when in the Trauma program, i was diagnosed with ADHD and pretty high on the spectrum so the doc said i should stay away from stimulants but i feel i’ve given up everything but the caffeine so wha tis there left. The Starbucks rattles the hell out of me but if they had one i’d be there at least once a day. Im trying to drink steeped tea(which is prob just as bad) and decaf teas as well. Im heading back to work next week just a day or so but it will keep my mind occupied hopefully help with the obsessive thinking about the s.
yes guys im on a med called Seroquel for mood disorder and sleep. I really don’t feel as if im depressed and i have in the past after my mother passed been diagnosed with depression. My physicatrist put me on the seroquel to help me sllep but the dam stuff is hard to cut down. When i was in the trauma program i had trouble sleeping as i was away from home etc. and i wasn’t able to decrease the dosage but now that im home i’m trying to ween myself down (200 a night to 100) as it makes it very hard to get up in the mornings. It’s a great sleep aid but like anything else your body becomes immune to it and i know it causes weight gain in most people. I can’t count the nights when i would have contact with the s and sit in his garage until all hours and then spin when i would try to get to sleep as i knew i shouldn’t have been there and then i’d have to get up and drag myself through the day at work. What a vicious circle it was. As soon as i’d have contact with him , sleep would go right out the window as it would start the obesssion and rumerating all over again. They are not only bad for your health (the sociopaths) but your looks as well and i would hate what it was doing to me but i couldn’t seem to get out of the habit.
I have to take 225 mg of effexor a day for my depression. If I try to cut it back, my mood just spirals me down to a black hole. I haven’t been sleeping all that great this week, either. Had a couple nightmares w/ the spathhole. I go back to court again this coming Tues. , for another contempt of court hearing against him. I think that’s why the nightmares are back. That, & my flower bed fencing getting vandalized last week. When I took the stress test that Oxy wrote about, I scored a 673.
DEar Kindheart,
I sometimes change or try to wean myself off my medication, but I ALWAYS consult my psychiatrist before I make ANY changes and I am a registered nurse practitioner with psych experience. IN most instances it is very important that we stay CONSISTENT with medications. Have you ever been diagnosed bi-polar? If so, be very careful with your medication changes. It takes a while to have medications work they aren’t “instant” on or off.
I know though that some medications do make you drag through the day, maybe your doctor could change your medication to something that didn’t make you drag. Talk to Him/Her about it is my suggestion.
I got a wild hair up my butt a while back to change meds and my doc talked me out of it. So I am going to stay on the drug and dose I am on for now. She tried me on several other meds and effexor seems best for me. I am also ADHD from childhood and I have taken various meds for that, but I was always HIGH FUNCTIONING ADHD (good grades and did well in school) and it really doesn’t interfeer with my life. My concentration was crap for a while but it was the PTSD. Son C is also ADHD and he did well in private school or home schooled, and poorly in public school after second grade. He actually did better in college and I used the Feingold diet on him with good success. Never had any behavior problems out of him. My theory, for what it is worth, is that ADHD kids are NOT behavior problems unless they are ALSO “conduct disorder” (budding psychopaths). My ADHD son C is NOT in any way a psychopath, it is his non-ADHD brother who is the P.
I need some advice. I am sick of all of these triggers. My husband just picked up the baby from daycare. I am so mad. She has been there since 7:30 this morning. So he didn’t pick her up until a little after 6:00. Why couldn’t he leave work early? He didn’t pick her up last week so he will have her for about 2 1/2 hours (he is not excited to be around her). He wanted to act like a hero and take my oldest daughter (his stepdaughter) driving now. She has never driven before and she is just starting driver’s ed. It is very dark outside. I asked him if he fed our baby and he said no. So he wants to take my daughter driving with the baby in the car who has been at daycare all day and hasn’t eaten dinner yet.
I don’t know what to do. Should I have him start to pick her up from my house? I feel so bad for her that she was in daycare all day today. But he doesn’t like picking her up from the house because she cries and wants to stay home. Or should I demand he get her on weekends?
I now appreciate his only one day a week. He is such an a**. Why did I have a child with this man? He is on his way to his home with the mistress and her 4 kids. Please help!!!
nic:
What I”m picking up from your posts is not only is he leaving your daughter sitting in daycare, but that he is screwing with your life by chosing if and when he’ll visit your daughter. This gives him complete control over you and your doings. And I can guaranty that he is getting off having you at his beck and call.
Is your ex supposed to pick up your daughter every day? Also, do you have a visitation agreement in place?
If you do, you need to hold him to the literal letter of the agreement. Each time you deviate or allow him to deviate from the agreement by even 5 minutes, you’ve lost the game and he will continue to screw with you.
If the agreement says he has visitation every other Saturday from 9 to 5, that means every other Saturday from 9 to 5. That does not mean he can show up on Tuesdays for a visit.
If you don’t do this, he will continue to interfere with your life. If he doesn’t show up at 9 on Saturday morning, I would call him and tell him he has 1/2 hour to show up, or you are going to go about your day. And then do it. He’s not there in half an hour, you leave.
If the agreement doesn’t address his picking up your child from daycare, you need to get it modified so it does.
Regarding whether you should have him pick you up at your house, from where I”m standing, that isn’t going to accomplish anything. He’s still going to keep jacking you around. Not only will he have control over your schedule, but it’s going to defeat the purpose of NC.
His taking your daughter driving is just another way for him to get to you.
Bottom line, you need a formal visitation schedule. And when he doesn’t comply, short of a valid excuse such as undergoing brain surgery (lobotomy, anyone?) you take control. You pack up, leave the house, and make yourself and your daughter unavailable.
Will he call you a ball-busting, rigid, bitch? Yes. But, you’re also being a responsible parent. Time to stop accomodating HIS whims and needs and focus on yours and your daughter’s.