I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Nic – Good luck with your situation. Sounds like you have your hands full. Take care of your precious little ones. You are the only one who can advocate for them right now and protect them. They both need you to protect them… If it were me, my baby would not be permitted in any vehicle without a carseat. For her safety and well being please consider making the carseat you have be part of the pick up and drop off arrangements or perhaps a friend has an old one.
Beyond that anything you want to enforce for the safety and welfare of your baby or your teenager – your mediator can take care of. It seems to me you would like him to see them both and are upset when he doesnt do what he should be doing – so maybe he should have supervised visitations or suspended visitations until he gets his act together. Especially when it comes to feeding and protecting your babies. I wish you a quick resolution!
Nic: What part of “BAD MAN” are you not understanding here? If he wants to screw around with driving with your older daughter, don’t you get it that he is setting up a situation to harm/annoy/devastate YOU? Don’t let him get ANYTHING!!! In some states, if he drives away with your baby daughter in his car with no car seat, he can be arrested for child abuse. PERIOD! That might actually be a good thing, because it would put a stop to this sort of “gray area” abuse that he is getting away with.
If you hand over your own car seat, guess what!!!? Next, he won’t have the car seat to give back to you because he “forgot” and you will be without a car seat and without money to buy one. Then — don’t you think he would call the cops ON YOU???
GIRL!!! Where is your head????!!! Oxy — where is the skillet!!!
This badass doesn’t need to see anyone except perhaps a parole officer. He is NO GOOD. And anything you do to pretend that he is OK just gives him ammunition to hurt you in the future. Believe me, girl. I have had 30 years of profound heartache in my life because of one of these monsters. And I didn’t have anyone around to tell me what I’m telling you now.
QUIT WITH THE MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR HIM TO SEE ANYONE!!! If you don’t have to, DO NOT DO IT!!!!!
Nic: Do you understand INCEST??? I don’t care that your older daughter “likes him.” I believe he is playing you, playing her, and you are falling for it all. He sounds like the sort of “father figure” who will justify screwing your kid because “she’s not his”!!!!
You don’t need to like what I’m saying. This is all too obvious. QUIT TRYING TO MAKE HIM THE DAD THAT HE IS NOT!!!!! My God!!!
Hey nic, one more thing. YOU can be charged if your children are harmed by him. Really. If he hurts them, screws with your older daughter, whatever, YOU can be charged as an accomplice. Mothers are charged for being accomplices when their boyfriends abuse their children. You HAVE TO STOP THIS!!!
No whining, no missing your nights out. You know he is dangerous. We have all told you that, and you know from all the research we have shared.
Any single mom here knows how hard this is. I made a terrible, terrible mistake with one man, believing that the children needed to have their father in their lives. THAT IS NOT ALWAYS TRUE!!!! I have a 20-yr-old daughter who regularly thanks me for making sure that she grew up NC with her “sperm donor.” I love her dearly, and I had a bad feeling back then when I chose to have her, and I know enough now to know that I may have saved her life by ensuring that she had NO CONTACT while she was growing up.
Rune – I wholeheartedly agree with you about Nic needing to stop trying to make him the dad he is not, and to please make sure if he has some kind of legal right to visitations — then that the baby should not leave Nics arms or the daycare unless there is a carseat provided…I dont care whose it is, its just a no freakin brainer. Further, if there is no learners permit yet, he is legally not allowed to let her drive she cannot drive with an adult unless she has taken the written test and received a learners permit. If there is a learners permit there are certain hours of restriction 9 pm or llpm. etc. And lastly if he is a dangerous man, why in the world are you letting him have any control at all? Very confused and am praying for the children. Goodnight
Nic: we love you here. You know that. I want you to be the “Mama Bear” you know how to be!!! Your older daughter is not his — if I remember correctly. The only reason I can think of that he’s pushing this right now is that HE IS A CREEP!! If I’m wrong, God forgive me, but if I’m right, God forgive you for throwing your daughter into his clutches.
He sounds like exactly the predator to harm your daughter and laugh about it. Thank the good Lord that he is NOT wanting to be around your little one.
Nic: I agree with what Rune has said, and what everyone else has said. We are all concerned for you and your children.
It does not seem right that he has a girlfriend with four kids and he is out running around with your daughter, and most important the baby is in the backseat with no carseat and was not fed, for this joyride for him. All about him it sounds like.
Accidents happen everyday and are never expected, drunks are out everyday driving and so are addicts. I am in a grief support group and I personally know of many, too many, infants and children that have been killed in car accidents. I mourn for them, and their parents.
I am a single mother and have basically raised my young children on my own from my second marriage. Never, ever would I allow them to go in anyone’s car without a carseat. When one of my children was 2 weeks old I took him out to get diapers. I was stopped at a stop light and I was rearended at low impact, by a woman that was nine months pregnant, she dropped her water bottle down on the floor and accidentally hit the gas. My child was in the back in the carseat, sleeping. How terrifying, these things happen and it could be your child. My child was first checked by the officer to see if they were properly restrained in the carseat, and yes they were. Paramedics checked him and said he looked fine, but was still sleeping. I went directly to the ER to make sure, this was my new baby. He was fine, thank God.
Nic: I hope you will read all these posts again.
Being a single mother and not being married to an S, is the way to go. My time out? I pay a daycare center a few days a week for 4 hours so I can go out during the day, for appointments or just my time, and you know what? It is worth it. They don’t need to be raised by an S that does not care for them! Please think about all these things.
Is Opn: You are so right. You don’t know how cheap daycare is until you pay the godawful price of having an S/P in your children’s lives. One of the best decisions I made in recent history was to NOT TELL the S/P who fathered my daughter — he was still stalking me when I found out, and he was arrested in my home after he bashed in a window to get into my house after having told his coworkers that he was going to “kill her and then kill myself.” He didn’t know I was pregnant. And WHY would I, as a sane person, have told him?
NIC!!! Of all the tragic stories here, you actually have one of the better ones, because this jerk DOESN’T want to be around. And the one person he DOES want to be around, he doesn’t have a legal right to be.
Step up, girl. We know it’s hard. But you are the mom they chose, and they need you to protect them.
Rune: Daycare for my out time $20.00 per day, 4 hours a day, with meals included, and loving, trained, certified teachers that nurture them, teach them, socialize them, sing with them, do craft projects with them, watch movies and have popcorn with them, take them out for walks, to the pool in the summer, feed them, keep them healthy, happy clean and changed. The price could be half of that for just a few hours.
There are also licensed homes that run a licensed daycare service but they should be carefully checked out, referrals, BBB and friends to get an accurate picture. Some churches have elders that may be qualified and licensed also.
Check them out carefully.
The local park district has a sitting service in the evening if you take a class there, or join the health club there. I am not sure what that fee is.
This daycare time works for me with working at home, and when he is not in school. A small price to pay for his safety and well being. I cut back on other things in order to be able do this. And I get peace of mind my child is safe, well cared for and in good hands.
Is — I’ve been there, done that. Sometimes the “cheap”route — letting the ex have the kids for the afternoon — means that you give the “enemy” the tools to harm you and the children. The real cost of THAT route, is hundreds and thousands of dollars, and perhaps the sanity of the children. I am so worried that nic does not understand this.
I know what it is to not have food for myself because I was feeding my kids instead. I know what it meant when my ex-S/P husband suddenly got rich off of oil & gas money and decided to fight me and force time with the children. I believe that his influence turned my son into another traumatized, untrustworthy individual, who has harmed other people. His father taught him, through his example.
As you say, good daycare can give a child fun and great care, and give a stressed out mom some time out. The cost is less than the price of 10 minutes with a lawyer. Recognizing the danger to their children, there are moms who have chosen to leave the country rather than let their pedophile Xs near their kids. Do we know this about nic’s husband? Not right now, but for me the signs are neon and they are flashing. Why else would this loser be ready to give driving lessons? But he can’t get it together to have a car seat for his own infant daughter?