I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Greenfern,
I used to have the dreams every night. I was having to get by on 3 or 4 hours of sleep every day. They always contained him shaming or controlling me in some way, or flaunting his OW in front of me. As I have traveled down my own healing path, the dreams have become less frequent, maybe 3 or 4 times a month. That’s better than a constant horror show every night!
Dear learnthelesson;
Cash the money orders! How about starting a savings account for travel or rainy day or whatever you might want to do? Haven’t you paid a big enough price? Just like Oxy said about “taking care of others while her whole life exploded around her feet”, I too was a “life saver” to the detriment of myself. I would give and give and give…. As they say in flight, “put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST!” and then you will be able to help others”. I am just saying that you deserve that money- do something nice for yourself. Massage- whatever helps. Take care! Glad you found support here too! Stay strong and “no thank you’s or contact”.
Learnthelesson, sounds like you are recently out of contact–a few months, so there may still be some bargaining going on in your mind about whether he is a sociopath. If he is, then the the money orders are a power play. He wants to reel you back in. As far as questioning your own behaviors, I have a slightly different take on it. There is a very good article on this site somewhere called, “Can victims become like the sociopath?”. The answer is yes. You can have severe behavioral changes in reaction to being traumatized. It’s actually a normal response to a crazy situation. Many years ago, I was an exotic dancer. My entire personality changed as a result of the types of people I was hanging out with. It took months after quitting to return to myself again. I think it is normal to have a total personality change when involved with a sociopath. I find the more revealing question is not why you behaved in certain ways, but why did you ignore the first red flags? For me, that question cut right to the chase.
Of course, I still find that no matter how much I analyze it, I don’t think I could have prepared for someone so deceitful. If you had told me these people exist and that they behave like the “guy next door”, I never would have believed it.
Hello, good people! Plowman here checking in and seeing how everyone’s doing.
I don’t want to say I’m ‘getting over the hump’ and I don’t want to say I’m feeling any less angry, but things are becoming a little better now – the operative word being ‘little’. Psychologically, I’m still months or maybe even a year from comtemplating a relationship but it is getting easier to talk to women without bringing up me ex S or retreating into a shell for fear that I’m about to be taken advantage again. The ex S seems to be getting further away from me but at times, I still want to kick the crap out of myself because, in my opinion, she got away with it and her husband put in 6 mos. versus my 10 years and got the prize. It’s been a wild ride, one that I never, ever want to go through again nor see any of us go through again.
Have a great week, everyone and let’s keep our heads held high.
Plowman:
“…her husband put in 6 mos. versus my 10 years and got the prize.”
What prize? Life with a sociopath? Some prize.
You are getting your life back. That’s the prize. Me thinks you need to reframe this issue. 🙂
I was going to reply to AT post from the other day and then read this one.
In a nutshell – I agree with both AT and Donna. It has been 3 years since the bottom fell out. Healing is a process. At the beginning the big question was why me? What did I do wrong? Family and friends told me to drop it, move on. Being the stubborn person I am, I was determined to find out what kind of person would do this to another. I had a wonderful counselor who handed me the book, “The Sociopath Next Door”. Bingo!! That opened the door to a whole new world that I wish I would have known about before. It was hard to wrap my mind around the behavior of these people. Then when I found LF, it opened another world; that there were other people that have been devastated by these people. I was not alone!
Knowledge is powerful, though I will admit that I am saturated by all the reading. I don’t comment much on LF, but I have been reading the posts for over a year. I am trying to wean myself, knowing I can’t dwell on this forever, but every once in awhile I need a booster shot.
I have accepted that my “Bad Man” is what he is, and he will never change. Proof – I tried to warn the last woman I knew of, he explained it away, so she ignored me, and 2 1/2 years later her house is in foreclosure and she has filed bankruptcy; just like I predicted. Now he is on to someone else.
I know I am now in a better place; he was not good for me. I miss the man I thought he was, but I certainly do not miss the man he turned out to be; or the emotion rollcoaster I was on. I am still mourning the “dream”; but the tears no longer come. I was in the relationship for 5 1/2 years, so I am giving myself 5 1/2 years to recoup – I’m over half way there!
For all of you who are in the beginning of your healing or part way though, I want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It has not been easy. It has been a learning process, especially about me and why I let my boundaries disappear. I have had to refinance my house and I have filed two lawsuits against the BM in an attempt to get some of my money back. (I have seen him 3 different times during the proceedings and now see and hear what I did not see and hear before – bullsh**t.) Things are slowly coming together. Hang in there – time does heal all wounds; and you will be a stonger and wiser person than before.
Getting ready to turn in and call it “another successful S-free day”!
Truebeliever – Tears in my eyes, when I read your comments. I read them twice so they would really sink in. My nature has always been to be there for others and most times it is reciprocated or mutally agreed upon in past relationships that we were just incompatable. This was the first experience I had where it wasnt reciprocated AND it wasnt growing but we were still staying in it. I spiraled in circles trying to understand what was wrong w/me. Tried so hard to “fix” us/him… that I know I almost lost my spiritedness and sense of self. Since I have two checks, I am making a donation to an organization and with the other I am going to treat myself to something special. Thank you for that reminder.
Stargazer – yes, a few months of NC, but a long drawn out year of just texting. I stayed STRONG and never went back upon his numerous suggestive texts and attempts to meet. My friends are all very proud of that, as am I, as well! I will search the article you mentioned. I never thought of it that way, but it really does make sense. And my personality changed toward the end, I was just constantly battling w/my own inner voice telling me to get away. I remember the first red flags, but I had never experienced them before. I confronted him (which I thought meant that I wasnt ignoring the red flags) and he had excuses, etc. But what I did was IGNORE my instincts because to be honest I didnt want it to be true. I fell hard and fast and never before had I done that. EVERY RULE I HAD WENT OUT THE WINDOW! I sometimes cope by telling myself (or maybe fooling myself still) that as horrible as the experience was we both enlightened eachother about good and evil in the world…at a time that we both needed to learn and grow. Perhaps some decide to finally take the path I chose and some continue on a path of self-destruction. But all of us here have chosen to learn the lesson and grow and educate ourselves and others about making better choices in our lives and trusting our own instincts. Im learning that life doesnt always allow us to prepare for our first S/P experience, but we are all now preparing if not prepared ( if we chose to trust our instincts now ) to make sure its our last S/P experience.
Plowman, Im loggin off, and just read your post. Sounds like you too are learning to slowly but surely trust your instincts now and you are more prepared to make sure you never go through that again.
This has been a healing day for me for sure. Thank you all…
Matt.. I thought the exact same thing about “getting the prize” – Plowman you got smarter and he got the “boobie prize” 🙂
EMJ170ORD: I’d like to share what my spiritual adviser wrote me back when I asked him the same question everyone on here is pondering.
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Answer given me by my spiritual adviser for the question: WHY ME?
But I also understand the need to forgive, to release the offender from responsibility for the way he treated me. I’ve learned an important lesson that Jesus described as follows:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
But I tell you,
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, they may be sons of your Father in heaven.”
(Mt 5:43-45)
I have learned to pray for God to bless the person(s)
who abused me, to help him do his/her job well and develop his/her character to be like Jesus.
Pray blessings on the offender.
It’s what my pastor calls “responding in the opposite spirit.” I have discovered that doing so also helps me, because praying for God to bless that person helps me release him from guilt for his abusive behavior.
Any time I sense anger rising up in me toward that person, I immediately pray for God to bless him. Here are some key points:
(1) blessing my offender helps me become like Jesus;
(2) dwelling on my anger and pain strengthens my sinful nature. It’s your choice: you can benefit from your experience and become more like Jesus, or you can allow your experience to make you more ungodly like the people who abused you.
You are not responsible for what those people did to you, but you certainly are responsible for the way you respond.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from your heel.
Learnthelesson: Yep, I was nodding reading your post. I too remember when I first let my boundaries slip a little and then a little more to accommodate his inconsistent and bizarre behaviors. I made up all kinds of excuses for him–going through a difficult divorce, has a head injury from fighting in Iraq (poor wounded Iraqi hero….), fighting with the army for his medical discharge….he probably just has a lot on his plate and is out of sorts. He was out of sorts all right. He fabricated the whole story about his head injury and was faking all kinds of bogus symptoms to get out of the army. He was lying about the divorce (there was not divorce). He lied about pretty much everything else. Even after I found out the truth about these things and left him, part of me still wanted to believe he must have had some feelings for me. His lack of shame for what he did to me, his wife, and the army is what drove the nail in the coffin.