I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
hi guys, boy am i up early this morning, could have something to do with cutting back on my sleep meds. Here’s something i struggle with and have throughout the whole ordeal with the s. It goes like this different women but same rumerating thought in my head “what is it that she has that i don’t” that kind of thing and i know how ridiculous it is as on one level i can see that we are all the same to him but on the other hand i have a hard time accepting that he can’t see my good qualities. Can’t wait for that thought to leave and i know alot of it had to do with him always comparing women etc. talking about them like they are a commodity. I remember the day he came up my drive when i first met him and he had a tour of my home(matrimonial home that was soon to be for sale) and came out the back door and made the comment “you are ver y marketable” and i thought what a weird statement to make. Just the lingo sent a red flag and now that im thinking about it i should have been smacked with that frying pan you guys are always talking about. Right then and there were the warning flags of comparing people with their things instead of their qualities. Sometime i will tell you guys what i did to his garage doors one time and you won’t beleive it esp considering i’ve never been one to really lose my temper. It’s a miracle i didn’t break my foot.
hi guys, you know if there is one thing i wish we could all do but it is so hard as in Nic’s case is to step outside our situations and look at things with perspective. While you are in their grip you cannot see the forest for the trees and it is truly baffling to say the least. You can have lots of intelligent well meaning friends telling you this and that and for no other reason than they love you and you are still inclined to go against your better judgement. Im starting to catch on to that frying pan thing with you guys and i think it would have taken a heavy cast iron one to do the trick with me a few years back i was so delusional.
nic..I think a lot of us here are as worried about your 15 year old as the baby. He has a girlfriend with children? How old are they?
I get to “listen in” on some 13/14 year old conversations, in groups of two or three, sometimes both genders…and it worries me.
There are “stories” in my town that would “curl your hair”…and surely make you cry, and break your heart. I know one woman who lost two teen girls nearly thirty years ago, and her life was never the same. I don’t blame her, I don’t think she knew about evil then. I’m amazed she does as well as she does.
Sometimes the best we can do is minimize the opportunities for things to happen…and reduce the risk. Not to live in fear, but to avoid as much as possible the chance for the unthinkable to happen.
I hesitated to say this, but feel I have to say it.
We’re all praying here for you and your children.
nic PLEASE CONCIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS SLEAZE BAG IS SCREWING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER after all he is her HERO? FATHER FIGURE?
Dear Nic,
It is EASY to get “side tracked” by the SMALL nasties that they do to the kids, like “not feeding the baby” etc. that we MISS the BIG things—WHY would a guy like him (a psychopath) want to GIVE to your 15 yr old daughter driving lessons? What is HE GETTING OUT OF IT?
i REALIZE I AM PARANOID, BUT, I AND OTHERS HERE HAVE ALL “FELT THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF OUR NECKS STAND UP” that he is grooming your daughter for molestation. THERE, I SAID IT!!! Driving lessons is the BIGGIE for a kid that age and also gives him TIME ALONE WITH HER (evn with the baby in the back seat—that baby is not a chaperone) and believe me, Letting your child be “alone” with a psychopath is not for the CHILD’s welfare, and HE HAS NO INTEREST IN BEING A “GOOD DADDY” TO HER….there is something IN IT for him and it isn’t what most “daddys” would WANT.
I will end with BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY! DON’T TAKE ANY CHANCES WITH THESE PERVERTS and that is what they are.
(((((hugs))))) ps. I will NOT BOINK you with the skillet LOL You are trying to get your head around this thing, but he is DISTRACTING you with the petty things (smaller things) about like not feeding the baby when I think his REAL motive is to piss you off and molest your daughter!
Henry, what are you doing home in the middle of the day? I thought you had a new job! If you don’t have enough to do, I can kidnap you and put you to work here!!!!
Weather is great here and I am going outside here pretty quick. Had to send son C to town for car parts, but want to get outside in the 70 degree weather today (though it might rain!)
Thank you, Henry & Oxy. I felt it so clearly, but I wasn’t sure if I was the only one. It may not seem like it, but I think nic is very, very, very lucky that he ISN’T interested in the baby, and she might just be able to lose this loser without the all-too-common other weirdness.
Well, I see we’re not holding back.
nic-a good father, stepfather, and husband,..man.. would still be with you. His choice to leave for another “family” negates his “rights” to have access to you or a stepdaughter (unless he’s legally adopted her, and still would “limit” that “right”.) His “right” to see his own child should be limited and supervised. (He’s already demonstrated neglect with the car seat, feeding, and daycare “pick-up.)
If he did inappropriate things to/with a wife who loved him, he will do inappropriate things with any female. Please talk with your daughter…and keep him away from your family.
Get your lawyer to move on getting him out of your family now…and keep him away, please!
We’ll all continue to keep you in our prayers.
Oxy-sometimes others call other people PARANOID, not realizing the paranoid might know some things they don’t. If there’s a woman who knows some things, it’s you.
One of my daughter’s friends…well, can I borrow a large skillet! Drives me crazy…just turned 14, beautiful, talented, knows too much about some things…and half the time her mother has no idea who she’s with or where she is. And her daughter’s father, her husband, commited suicide two years ago… well…I do what I can. I’m PARANOID!
nic,
Your eldest daughter is a young lady now. It’s wrong and criminal for her stepfather to drive with her younger sister in the car without a child seat. Unfortunately, your eldest daughter may not be able to keep him from driving around with her younger sister like that. Your eldest CAN REFUSE TO GET IN THE CAR as long as her younger sister is unprotected by a child seat.
Your eldest CAN REFUSE TO TAKE THE WHEEL of the car while her younger sister is unconfined by a child seat.
You need to have a talk with the eldest daughter about right, wrong and appropriate assertiveness. It’s time for her to say hard things to people who intimidate her, and not back down in the face of illegitimate authority, bullying or other forms of social pressure.
She’s 15-16 years old. She’s old enough to know right from wrong and refuse to benefit from a situation that places her younger sibling at serious risk.
If you want to protect your eldest daughter from N/P/Ss for all time, teach her to GROW A SPINE! I guarantee that once she does, your N/P/S Ex won’t find her nearly as fun to drag around any more.
It’s always hard and it’s often scary. It doesn’t get easier with time. There is no easy age to start, but 15-16 is as good a time as any to get tough, both with your own inner child and the selfish twits around you.