I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
P.S.
We often wonder how we can know for sure that our children will be able to say no to drugs, unsafe sex or dangerous seemingly exciting invitations.
Well, PRACTICE in standing their ground when they know they’re right is part of the equation.
nic,
Your eldest is literally old enough for you to leave the baby in her charge for extended periods of time.
In the contemporary United States we often forget just how much a 15-16 year old is capable of, what 15-16 year olds have accomplished throughout history and what 15-16 year olds in other cultures are expected to do.
We grant our children the luxury of an extended childhood, and in many ways this is a very, very good thing.
It is also a good thing to foster maturity and real self confidence in our young people. This cannot be done by merely telling them that they are strong and good. We must also give them opportunities to demonstrate that they are both strong and good. Sure, these are also opportunities to foul up royally, but usually they get it right.
OK, soap box surrendered.
A charming “groomer” type of molester can get past anyone. Standing up to a guy like this one is showing himself to be will not help. Getting rid of him — out of the family, out of contact — is the only way. I think it is asking too much of the kid; and why is nic encouraging contact when she doesn’t have to???
He has no business taking the baby, or the older daughter, when he is already showing himself to be this dangerous, uncaring, and without conscience.
Yea, Jim, “just cause I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to kill me” NO CHIT! I still laugh about it but when I went for the first visit with my rapid eye movement therapist, I spent 2 hour intake telling who was all out to kill me and WHY. He listened nicely then asked me to bring in documents and witnesses to verify I was not some kind of paranoid delusional “nut case’ (of course, he put it more nicely than that but I laughed and said the “nut case” words myself and then HE laughed, but I’m NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE whose story is so bizarre! In fact, I have heard quite a few that are WORSE, more bizzare than mine and mine is bad enough for two “novels.’
THERE IS NO DEPTH LOW ENOUGH that one P or another won’t sink to, there is no LOW to which they are not capable.
I was clearing out some old photographs that my P son had sent home from prison for me to “keep” for him as they limit the number of items they can keep in their cells. There were pictures of some of his “friends” he had met in jail or prison (I KEPT THOSE) Interestingly enough, there was one of the TROAN HORSE PSYCHOPATH that he sent to kill me, and I had a photo of this creep before I ever “met” him! How is that! Anyway, I figured might not be too bad an idea to keep copies of these photographs and study the faces in case another one of them shows up. The TH-P’s photo was from 1997 (apparently they had known each other before the TH-P got out in 97 and they corresponded while the TH-P was out.)
Yea, you can borrow a large skillet, I think a 12 inch should be fine for a teenager! LOL But actually, I think you might would do better to hit the MOTHER! In that case, a hard lick with a 10 inch might do the trick. If the ten inch doesn’t work, go to a 12! LOL I imagine though with a suicide in the family, the mother also has some coping problems as well. I know that a big trauma like that can mess with our abilities to parent our children when THEY NEED US THE WORST! We are just not “with it” enough ourselves to give them what THEY NEED from their trauma. The poor kids get the DOUBLE WHAMMY.
I don’t take someone calling me “paranoid” or any other name with any validity any more. I am able to NOW validate my OWN VERSION OF REALITY, and they can keep theirs. I KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND I KNOW THAT I KNOW IT, SO THAT MAKES IT MY TRUTH. You can operate under YOUR “truth,” but thank you, I will operate under MY TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OF IT.
I’ve spent much of my entire life being told that “black is white” and “white is black” and “there are no gray areas,” that it has been a real release from emotional bondage to realize that I can DECIDE FOR MYSELF WHAT TRUTH IS. What a new and dazzling concept that is! I can determine how YOU are allowed to treat ME. Another new and dazzling concept for me! LOL
Not only that, I can decide NOT TO FEEL GUILTY because I choose not to be responsible for your “happiness” and well being.
I am in the process now of setting some further limits on some people who have been close “friends” of the family for a long LONG time, and frankly, have been users the entire time. They are in a “terrible” financial shape and about to get to the point that they are so far down the hole that they will never be able (even with good management) climb back to the top of “level” anyway. So I am going to set some more limits that I am sure will pith them off but good at me. I have been letting them store some of their stuff in an old building here on the farm, but the roof has partly blown off and I intend to salvage the windows and doors, then burn the building, then doze it into a pit dug for the purpose and cover it over. I informed them that they have until JUNE 1 to get their stuff out before I set fire to the building. They have already started the whining about how they aren’t able to get to the stuff (etc etc) but I am going to STAND FIRM and on June 1, the match goes on to the diesel fuel I have poured on the place (I will have fire department there for an exercise) I was on the volunteer fire dept for 13 years and my son that returned home has rejoined after his 15 years on and 1 1/2 yrs off while he was out of state.
Anyway, I hope they are there ahead of the match because I will set it afire with their stuff in it or out of it. I figure that warning them NOW (in Feb) gives them time to get the money to hire a truck and move the stuff out of there at their convenience is more than enough “advance” notice to be “reasonable.” I am sure that they will be angry with me anyway, but as long as I am OK with my “reasonableness” then I am really not concerned about their opinons at this point. I don’t mind “helping” someone even if they have created their own problems by a bad decision or two, IF THEY ARE TRYING TO QUIT MAKING BAD DECISIONS, but these people are NOT in that catagory. They have had EVERY opportunity that I could give them to practice self care with some assistance, and instead of doing that, they stole from me, and then insisted that I PROVIDE FOR THEIR NEEDS without ANY effort on their part to be responsible for themselves. That was the reason I asked them to leave the farm in June of 08. Now they are mooching off of his retarded brother who inspite of his retardation owns his own home and manages his finances reasonably well, while the couple, very bright individuals haven’t figured out that they need to buy things they need INSTEAD of things they want and toys.
Telling them they had to leave was my FIRST BIG BOUNDARY SETTING and I cried over it for days! I was so afraid they would be “offended”—now my attitude is SO WHAT IF THEY ARE OFFENDED, that’s THEIR PROBLEM if they are. I am their friend, they are NOT MY FRIENDS. Because friends do not treat friends the way they have treated me. Or as my parrot says quite clearly in my voice, “Oh, welllllll”
hi guys , i just had a call from my socio’s mother in law concerning the grandaughter who is into drugs. I know it’s not healthy for me to evn have contact with her (her daughter passed away a few years back) and she told me that it has always bothered her that she suspects he may have molested both or one of the grandaughters. She said her daughter took one of the girls years ago to see a doctor as she was complaining about a mouse down there and that her daughter didn’t want to beleive it. I don’t want to beleive it myself and i don’t know what good it would be to find out now but it haunts her and i think she would like to see him accountable. As i type this im realizing that it is not even healthy for me to talk to her. How can i possibly think good of this man if ther is any possibility that he could have done that to his children. I just wish i could see things clearly as others do but i know it hasn’t been long enough for me with the n/c and i still so into magical thinking and i just hat e it but i have to be honest i can’t pretend like him.
Oxy-the skillet…for the mother, not the daughter. I wasn’t clear. I could write a few “chapters” on the mother…I think there’s a source of chaos…right there.
My “rules” for me: 1. No married women. 2. Divorced…not just “separated” or “filed” must be final and at least a year or two passed. 3. Widow…OK, but if her husband commited suicide I got some questions…
No wonder I don’t go “out” much. The field is limited. I dropped #4. Assessment by my therapist and thorough background check, interviews with relatives and neighbors, before “dinner” and/or “drinks”. As I’ve learned to trust myself a little more I decided that was a little harsh.
Better than my “initial consult” with my lawyer. One of my questions…”Is there somebody I can hire? If I EVEN THINK about getting married again…they pick me up, dress me in a padded white jacket with sleeves that tie behind by back, throw me in a padded cell…and don’t let me out til I come to my senses!”
See, I’ve come a long way in the last few years! TOWONDO! LOL
kindheart48-if they’re not your “blood” daughters or granddaughters, you’re not raising them, aren’t legally responsible for them…why call you? Depending on their ages and statutes of limitation…somebody “bothered” needs to take action, not you.
And in some states, there are criminal sanctions for “knowing” and “not reporting.”
She ever lie to you before?
kindheart48-I assume the socio’s mother in law is NOT your mother? I’m easily confused. 50 years ago, social organization was so simple…
Jim:
One of my iron-clad policies for the guys I date is “have they been out of their last relationship at least a year?” I figured that would be a good sign they were emotionally available.
Wrong. My S told me that he and his ex had broken up a year earlier. The truth? Yeah, they were apart a year, because my S was serving a prison sentence. Only when he was released, 3 weeks earlier, did he learn his ex had taken up with somebody else.
Of course, by the time I learned the truth, he had his hooks in me good and deep.
Now I look at the much bigger picture. Starting with “do they still talk about the ex?” “Do they still go to parties, etc in where the ex is present?” “Are they secretive?”
And after 3 dates if I think there are possibilities there I spring for background checks by US Search and Intellisearch.
Nic – I wasnt sure from your first post at 7:48pm last night what kind of advice you were in search of ?? At first it seemed as though you were venting about your P/Husband not keeping his end of the bargain with custody/pick-up, and then about the fact he wanted to take your teenager driving late at night with the baby (which was unclear if he actually did)? And finally you shared the carseat ordeal, along with much understood frustration in general about the situation with him.
Then when you got back from playing volleyball you responded to everyones comments . But I must agree with Henry on this one – it seems you didnt hear us or want to hear us at all…. I think I speak for all of us that our primary concern is for your well being and for the well being of your children. Sometimes when you are caught up in the everyday goings on/battles/frustrations of dealing with your P/Husband, we tend to get caught up in a fog of sorts – not really being able to see or set our priorities right.
I share your experience with toddlers and a teenager taking drivers Ed. NO CHILD WITHOUT A SEATBELT – ITS YOUR GOD GIVEN MATERNAL RIGHT TO ENFORCE THAT – OR TURN HIM AWAY. IF NOT ITS BASICALLY THE EQUIVALENT OF YOU WATCHING HIM TOSS HER INTO A SWIMMING POOL AND PRAYING SHE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE, AND TURNING YOUR BACK, WAITING TO SEE IF SHE COMES UP FOR AIR (COMES HOME SAFE) OR DROWNS (AUTO ACCIDENT) . IF NOTHING ELSE, TAKE THAT FIRST STEP AND DEMAND A CAR SEAT. I do not have any experience with a sex predator/molestor, so to be totally honest, it is not what initially crossed my mind. I thought he was just a LOSER and BUM of a father neglecting his children and doing whatever he wants when he want including being too inconvenienced to feed his own baby . But I see the overwhelming care and support and advice you are receiving from others here at LF who have had firsthand experience with a dangerous P/Husband who has crossed the line with young girls and molested them all the while disguised as “the hero” father/stepfather. Please be open to each and every post and take it all into sincere consideration. WE are glad you are here, we all care about you and your children and your journey, and want to give the best, preventative advice possible.