I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
DEar Kindheart,
NO CONTACT means no “contact by proxy” that means you cut off ALL even talking about him, his relatives, his children, NO CONTACT, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NIL, NONE!!!
ANY emotional or conversational contact you have with him or about him, or what he did in the past, etc. or any other victims is 99.9% of the time a BAD THING FOR YOU.
You are 1) not responsible for his actions 2) you can’t fix this girl even if he did molest her &/or she is doing drugs because of it 3) none of this information is any way good for YOU.
‘
QUOTE: “how can I possibly thing good about this man if there is any possiblity he did this to his children?” WTF??? WHY on god’s green earth would you WANT TO “THINK GOOD ABOUT HIM?” WHY DO YOU WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM?
Cut off ALL contact. If you have children with him (sorry I can’t remember as we have so many new people lately) and are required to talk tohim about YOUR children, just be aware that you need to keep it to a minimum, and through your lawyer or a third party if necessary. CUT HIMOUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!!! NO MERCY!!! NO CONTACT. ((((HUGS)))) and my Prayers as well.
Jim , you aare right . She is not my mother in law and i have to tell her i can’t help and you are so right as i have a problem with assertiveness. I did work with her daughter briefly and she calls me for support but it all leads back to him. Somehow i’ve bonded with this woman and it isn’t healthy at all. Truth is the bond is hatred towards the s. and at any rate it isn’t my gig.
Matt – Wouldnt it be nice to have a N/P/S “security check” room at the front door, right next to coat check on these dates! Or find establishments that offer Sociofree Enviornment happy hour from 5 – 7. Better yet – why cant drivers licenses be required to post S P or N, stamped on them by therapists/courthouses/and or X spouses! Oh what a wonderful world that would be!!!!!
Thanks everyone for your concern. I know he isn’t doing anything inappropriate with my oldest daughter. I don’t like him but I know for sure he isn’t into molestation.
The judge today ordered one more status and then she is going to set trial dates. I don’t see why she couldn’t set the dates today. I am paying for these status dates. My husband’s lawyer was a no show so he didn’t have to pay for today.
I was thinking how everyone says marriage has benefits but what are they? My husband left in April and hasn’t paid any household expenses since. The judge only made him pay child support and daycare. I would have got that not being married. This isn’t fair. I don’t think I am getting married again.
I am sorry I have been on here so much these past few weeks but I have enjoyed everyone’s responses and I read them over plenty of times.
Nic – I dont think anyone can ever be on LF too much, as healing places always have revolving open doors and endless support and advice and respectful discussions. Shame no trial date was set today, but I agree the SOONER THE BETTER. Marriage benefits? Some say the benefit is that you can get divorce! Others say that when its between two healthy partners – its an amazing institution. As I see it more and more lately, its a piece of paper and alot of hard sefless and selfish work!
I too would like to thank everyone for bringing more awareness to the dangers of the severely deranged S/P’s as well as anyone in general who could potentially cross the line with young children. I seized the opportunity to talk with my 14 and soon to be 16 year old daughters. I told them, while I feel confident they are not exposed to anyone who will cause them harm, Im reminded of the “Mask” that could always be in our lives, neighborhoods, schools, etc. I basically said if anyone ever makes them feels uncomfortable, invades their space or threatens them in any way to tell someone,I encouraged them to tell me or another adult so as to make sure the Bad Person is stopped. Not only for them but for others. And never worry about the Bad Person hurting anyone in the family. Once they share any uncomfortable experiences the Bad Person will be taken away to get help.
….of course I got the standard… OH MY GAWD MOM!!!! AND THE EVER PRESENT TEENAGE GLIMPSE OF DO YOU KNOW YOURE AN ALIEN MOM?! BUT I THANK THE LOVEFRAUD MEMBERS FOR ALL THE INSIGHTFUL POSTS.
When I first started looking for info on “psychopath” and “law” and “crime,” virtually everything that came up was about child molesters. The law has very little to say about the sorts of predators we know from our “romantic” encounters. As part of my education process, I bought a book called “The Socially Skilled Child Molester.” It is the most effective source I’ve found for describing the “grooming” process that these predators use to convince an entire community that THEY are the reliable, concerned, caring ones, so that when they start molesting, hurting, cheating, the community rallies around THEM and disbelieves the victim. Does this sound familiar?
There is a lot of overlap, with many S/Ps not caring who they have sex with, or what age — with their lack of conscience, impulsivity and thrill-seeking, they are likely to be indiscriminate, and act on what they think they can get away with. And with a good “groomer,” we may be talking about the favorite coach, or the pediatrician, or the oh-so-friendly step-dad. In fact the book pointed out that some pedophiles specifically picked divorced women with young children, because that gave them an “easy” source.
In my process of uncovering the truth behind the lies the S/P told me, I found a significant messy cloud that suggests that he molested at least one and perhaps several of his own children. While I was with him, one of his children made a remark to a school counselor that resulted in accusations that he was molesting yet another child. Much to my chagrin, as I now know him for what he is, I defended him against the charges at the time. It was inconceivable for me to imagine how, when, or where he might have committed the acts he was accused of. Now, I’m certain the child was telling the truth.
RUNE – Thats what I was hoping to express to my girls as well as to Nic…It could be inconceivable for any of us to imagine it happening in our lives, but the reality and cold hard facts are right in front of eyes – IT IS A REALITY THAT HAPPENS DAILY NATIONWIDE – One that we must not deny or flat out refuse to consider – ESP. when put in an uncomfortable/questionable situation.
As far as defending our masked partners (at the time)…IT IS TOTALLY INCONCEIVABLE FOR US TO IMAGINE HOW, WHEN WHERE THEY COULD COMMIT WHATEVER IT IS THEY ARE ACCUSED OF.
MINE WASNT ACCUSED OF MOLESTATION. HE WAS ACCUSED AND FOUND GUILTY OF THEFT IN CIVIL COURT – AND I STILL DEFENDED HIM. I JUST COULDNT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT AND JUSTIFIED IT BY A BAD DECISION, POOR JUDGEMENT, IMMATURITY, ETC…AND GET THIS…I WAS CERTAIN HE WAS GOING TO STICK TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE HE VOLUNTEERED TO ADHERE TO IN FRONT OF THE JUDGE. I WAS PROUD OF HIM FOR MAKING RIGHT/GOOD ON SOMETHING HE DID WRONG. MY FOG WAS SO THICK AROUND ME THAT I SWEAR IT POISONED MY BRAIN CELLS. I HAVE THEM, I SWEAR I DO!!!!
Rune- That is scarey. Molestation has never been a thought until reading everyone’s responses. It is odd that my husband is now with a woman with 4 kids. She has 3 girls (oldest 12) and 1 boy (their son together). Of course no one ever thinks their spouse, relative, etc. would ever molest a child but I know it happens. My mom was molested by her father for years. So I know. Yeah they never believe the victims. There is a case now in Illinois where a female teacher allegedly had sex with a 15 yr.old boy in a parking lot but no one believes it. They interviewed neighbors disputing the accusation. The teen victim told police that they even had sex with her 16 month old child in the back seat. The husband bailed her out!
I am with everyone that I hope he does disappear and stop coming around. I am not going to press the weekend visitation issue with him getting our daughter because I now know the less contact the better. My daughter does babysit for me so that helps.
Learn: This is why I believe that the most important thing we may have to do is accept that ANYONE CAN BE FOOLED, so that we can forgive ourselves for being fooled, and stop tearing ourselves apart with self-blame. That’s another level of the damage they do — that those of us with conscience will turn on ourselves with remorse, guilt, and agonize over the damage to others that we DIDN’T stop.
If I recognize someone as an S/P, I will never trust that person with anything. No child left in the room alone with them, no pets, no phone numbers of people I care about, no lending of the car, no information about my life. But the problem is these creatures are GREAT at INSPIRING TRUST!! I’m sure the teen-age girls are positive they would know bad behavior if they saw it. The girls who were helping Ted Bundy find his lost puppy also thought they were doing a good thing for a nice man.