I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Tood: I am so glad that you are on this side of that situation. I know the heartache. And thank you for reinforcing the fact that THEY CAN FOOL ANYONE!!!
I am continually amazed by the intelligence of everyone on this site: people who read and question, every one of us has decent computer skills, and many of us have challenging careers. Yet we were each captured and tortured by an S/P. Our intelligence didn’t protect us. They sneak under the radar. Our only protection in the future is all this work we are doing to understand, and our readiness — if we get caught again — to get away much more quickly.
Nic _ If I stepped on your toe’s I do opologize. What does a physcopath look like? What does a child molester look like? You probably are right about your daughter, at least I hope so. I am a victim of insest and and molestation when I was very young and some of these men where MY hero’s. They were so nice to me and would take me out to learn to drive sitting on their laps. But when I became a teenager and said I was gay they didnt want anything to do with the faggot. It’s a sensitive subject with me and I probably should of kept my mouth shut….
Tood – My father molested my sister from the time she was a toddler into her adult life. When my sister was young she would tell my mom what was going on and my mom would beat my sister. This is something I could not wrap my mind around so I blocked it out. I was dealing with the shame of my own sexual abuse. My sister lived a very tormented and dysfuntional life to say the least. She took her own life at age 45. What happens to a child will shape their whole life, good and bad..
Rune: After being here for a month and reading, I feel a need to read every single book there is on an S. I had no idea what I was living with, I was in the fog. Is there a long list somewhere here on LF about all the books of S’s I hear spoke of on posts? I see the ones in the LF store. You seem to know many of the books and the names.
NC, S called two days in a row this week. At first I did not listen to the messages, yesterday I had a delivery and checked the messages and I listened to S’s. He is very sick, Yeah?, and says he needs the child support of 1 week to go the doctor, or if I say he should send all the support he will and not go to the doctor.
His angle, the nice guy adhering to orders, and it is my choice. Since when? My choices were always talked down or modified. He asked me to text him, not to call. I did neither. I saved the messages with his other truly nasty ones. He did sound sick. I am not giving pity, I drove myself to deliver, where was he? I have no pity. Go to the doctor, I do not need to know and I will not text or call my response.
I know, NC NC no NC. It did not get to me like it used to, usuallly I would go into a panic, and anxiety when I knew he called. NC.
What does TOWONDA mean? I feel I am lost with this and I see it frequently.
I have read 20 books – I recommend 2 – Meaning from Madness by Richard Skerrit and From Tears to Healing by Richard Skerritt – I will let one of the ladys tell you about towanda
henry: thanks for the book names, I will have a new library so much different than now.
Dear nic,
“I won’t allow her to go driving with him at all and I am going to see what I can do further to stop him from taking our daughter without a car seat. ”
I misunderstood an earlier post of yours and I said things that were totally out of line! I apologize. I was wrong. Please forgive me.
I would feel pretty helpless if he was driving my tot around without a car seat too. There isn’t a whole lot you can do. It may be helpful to get credible adult witnesses to testify to this for the custody hearing. Ask your lawyer about this.
Most people agree that driving tots around without car seats is criminally negligent. It might help your case.
I’m really sorry I was out of line earlier. Hang in there dear lady. You’re dealing with a very challenging situation.
your welcome – you will have to order them online they are very cheap Towanda~~~!! is what Kathy Bates said in the movie (Fried Green Tomatoes) when she rammed her car into the back of the Car that stole her parking place~~!!
Henry, thank you for your courage in telling of your experience. People who haven’t been through this just cannot understand. I am so sorry for the pain you grew up with. Your compassion shines through now. I am glad you are here — you are a powerful support with what you bring to the site.
Henry; I am sorry, and apolgize we posted at the same time above, and then I switched off and came back.
It does takes alot of courage to be able to talk about abuse. You seem to be very strong and come through. I understand.