I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Elizabeth: Since we’re sort of operating like “ghostbusters” here, going after people who are tricky to identify who are up to no good in ways that we can hardly imagine — as we jump in to try to help each other, it’s easy for us to misread, or not have a complete sense of the situation.
When I stepped waaaayyy forward to worry about the stepdaughter issue, I was concerned about overstepping, but I was even more concerned about not saying anything when I saw all those “red flags” waving. I could have been overstating my concern, but apparently other people were seeing what I saw and supported my concern.
Your advice is generally so spot on. Without that background the rest of us had, you would have been much closer with your advice. I always appreciate what you have to say.
Hi everyone: I just got back from the gym. No one needs to apologize. From what I wrote your responses were all appropriate. I felt a little sting from it all but it was needed. In fact, my daughter just asked me if I would take her driving. So I don’t think she has any intention of asking him again. I am going to find out my husband’s license plate number so I can arrange for the police to stop him when he takes her again. That is the only way he will get a seat because we have talked about this plenty of times. A car seat is about 35.00. He makes 6 figures so he can afford it.
Henry-I do appreciate you and I am so sorry you experienced that in your life.
Tood- your ex-husband sounds like mine all the way and that is scarey. I am sorry that happened to your daughter. I hope she is doing well.
Ox, Rune and Elizabeth (((hugs))) I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. When I tell people that my husband is a S they just laugh so it feels good to come in here and vent. I am not in counseling anymore but my therapist had said that so what if he is a S. That comment upset me tremendously.
I hope everyone has a good night and good dreams.
Nic: One of the most damaging comments I had to endure was from a therapist who totally DID NOT GET IT!!!
She had the nerve to ask me if I had thought about talking with the S/P . . . This was after I had fled in fear for my life, having learned that the guy had spent a year and a half destroying everything I had, and ripping off my parents as well in the process.
I really feel that therapists who say, “It’s time for you to move on,” and “Why don’t you work this out with him?” and “How did you contribute to the failure of this relationship?” are all doing damage to us.
Yes, the LF community is important.
Dear Nic,
Yea, we are a “mouthy” bunch, and we (and I htink I speak for ALL here) TRY very hard NOT to be too hard on anyone, but at the same time, we will POUNCE ON anything we think is a serious situation that someone might not see! We can’t DO anything for you, except we can VALIDATE your hurt, what you are dealing with and give you our love, caring and support! Unfortunately, YOU are the one who has to deal with it on a day to day basis.
I do wish we could reach through the screen—but if we could do that there are many times I think we would be in jail for BOINKING! the Ps with my iron skillet! LOL
Yes, some therapists DON’T get it that you can’t “talk this through” with the P. I have no full sibs or other half sibs from my egg donor, but the first cousins I do have think I should just TALK about it with my egg donor and “resolve it” and they do NOT GET IT that you can’t resolve some things, and you can never resolve things when one of the parties WILL NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THERE IS A PROBLEM.
My egg donor’s latest “ploy” is to trivalize and invalidate my feelings, my reality and my truth–that my P-son tried to have me killed—even though she KNOWS THE TRUTH, HAS SEEN THE EVIDENCE ETC. she is totally in DENIAL. She does his bidding like a “psychopath by proxy”—and there is nothing I can do EXCEPT NC. I tried everything else, NOTHING ELSE WORKED. She still won’t get out of denial (it “protects her” from having to face a truth too painful for her to accept) even if it means that my other son who is NOT in prison, and me, her only egg donation, will have nothing to do with her. I honestly think though that she thinks if she waits long enough that we will relent and play a rousing game of “let’s pretend none of this happened” and she can FORGIVE US! LOL NOT gonna happen.
Her attitude keeps me from the kind of relationship I would LIKE to have with my cousins and some friends, and some people in my community, but it is a SMALL price to pay for my SANITY and PEACE.
You have a doubly hard job, being a parent to a 2 yr old and a teenager at the same time that you are devestated, traumatized, and freaked out by what has happened to you! Plus, you can’t go totally NC with the horse’s butt, but I would suggest that you have as LITTLE DIRECT contact with him as possible. I do think he doesn’t get much if any “glee” out of seeing a 2 yr old EXCEPT pithing you off by the car seat and so on. He KNOWS HOW TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS! He is doing it. TURN THE TABLES ON HIM! Take the FUN out of him pushing your buttons like with the car seat etc. On the not feeding her etc. it is ABUSE, but in the GREAT SCHEME of things, I think it is just to get a “rise” out of you, and she will NOT die from missing a meal, and in fact, she will be cranky and cry which will make seeing her LESS FUN FOR HIM. hee hee so when he does this kind of thing DON’T MENTION IT, DON’T COMPLAIN, DON’T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU NOTICE. That will take the FUN out of it for him. I think if you can accomplish that, he will see her less and less because he won’t enjoy your REACTIONS. These people are all about themselves and about GETTING YOU TO REACT (that is their reward) DON’T REWARD HIM BY “NOTICING.” The car seat thing can be solved by playing hard ball and calling the cops, complaining to or about the day care for letting him take her without one etc. HARD BALL.
Get a video cam as well and use it! A digital voice recorder and record every word he says to you. Don’t talk on the phone with him, but e mail or text and KEEP COPIES. PRO-ACTIVE DEFENSE, for a pro-active counter attack if necessary!
TOWANDA!!!!! You go girl!!!!!
hi Guys, i just had a friend download me a bunch of song “Liar” “behind blue eyes” , “your No Good” and “Straightjacket(alanis morrisette) and Creepby Radiohead oh and Your so Vain and i’ve been listening to them but i keep having these thougts of leaving him the cd to listen to just to play on him but i know he’s too stupid to get the meaning behind it or would misinterpret it but it’s these thoughts of vengenance that drive me bonkers. I know, i know what you are all thinking and yes everyone is telling me that to ignore him is the best revenge and when my mind is working properly i do agree with that, but i’ve tried to explain to them that although everyone outside looking in knows that’s the best way to get to him, my little voice says it’s not enough. I know this is prob normal but everything with this guy is addictive. I esp like the lyrics in Liar by Henry Rollins where he says “i Come on like an affliction and leave you like an addiction” how aporpoe is that. When i get an idea in my mind with my addictive personality it’s hard to stop the reaction but i’m hanging on and telling myself that it would only give him more attention and he wouldn’t get how negative the songs are as he’d twist it and think oh look how i hurt her . Please tell me im right as i know you all will. love heart
kindheart48…if you’re going to leave him a song, something he can relate to: Gordon Lightfood
“That’s what you get for loving me…
That’s what you get for loving me…
All that you once had is gone, as you can see…
That’s what you get for loving me…
…..
I’ve had a hundred more like you, so don’t be blue…
I’ll have a thousand before I’m through”
Had to remember what I could, there’s more in there…
With luck, he’ll think his score’s behind and he’ll panic…
and leave you alone. I heard it recently…and hadn’t realized how bad it was before I spent time on Lovefraud.
At Christmas time I turned the radio and it was tuned to an OLDIES C&W station and they played “Thank God and Greyhound she’s gone” by Charlie Daniels. It snapped in me, and I had been looking for a “home made” gift for son C, sooooo son D and I got our heads together and made a CD of all the “thank God she’s gone” or “she was a piece of trash” songs we could find. We finally settled on 13 different songs including “These Boots are made for walking” by Nancy Sinatra and several by Frank and some that are screaming metal songs (not my thing) but we played the CD for son C and I thought he was going to lay eggs he was making so much noise laughing! It was the perfect “home made christmas gift” for the electronic age!
The kind of music we listen to can move our emotions either to sadness, happiness, etc. so I DO THINK we need to make sure that we play music that is uplifting to us and DOWN PLAYING TO THEM. Don’t sit and listen to your and his “song” and cry over it, listen to something that makes you think “Thank God and Greyhound s/he is gone!”
Oh dear Kindheart how I can totally relate! I have been in revenge mode most of this week. I imagine him in front of me and I have a baseball bat and swing right into his head! I have sent letters to IRS and Family Court letting them know where he is and oh yes, everyone else he owes money to. That gives me some satisfaction. Unfortunately I think it hurts us more and they are totally oblivious. I recently read his new girlfriend’s post about how she has finally found “the one” (yeah, uh huh…) and how he’s going to buy her a house (right…) poor lady; wait until she finds out it’s all lies.
This blog is the only thing that lifts my spirits these days. It’s only been seven weeks since he blew up that bridge with his family and me and I am still wondering “what the hell…”.
Dear Swehrli,
I suggest that you QUIT READING ANYTHING ABOUT THEM/HIM. It only makes it harder for you, it is “contact by proxy” and is something that you sooner or later have to let go of, why not NOW!!!! (((hugs)))))
Opn: I read “The Sociopath Next Door”…it was not only enlightening, but frightening as well! I made the purchase on Amazon. I have to watch my budget so I get the used ones. This one came in one day! I guess I was meant to have it sooner rather than later.