I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Oxy– thank you so much.
Learnthelesson— ditto–
I will be referring to our your posts/your love often.
Akitameg,
I have never had much to begin with, but have lost what little I’ve had many times over. It took me almost having to die last year from salmonella to learn that what made me feel that life was worth living was having friends who cared about me. It wasn’t money or material things. I worked hard to have this tiny little condo and some nice furniture and clothing. None of it means anything to me. Your life is not over yet. You have a whole new chapter to start.
Anyway, I’m trying to be helpful but truth is, I’m not feeling too great or centered myself today. I have an overload of pain from so much hurt and grief in the last several years. I feel sometimes like it will take a miracle to climb out of this hole of depression. Some days are better than others. This is not a great one for me either.
DEar Learned,
Great minds run in the same ditch! LOL I actually think my 10 inch is getting thin on the bottom! LOL But it still cooks good corn bread! I have no idea how old these skillets I use are, most are really very old, or they were my grandmothers and gosh knows how long she used them. The new ones they make now are not nearly so good as the old ones, I think it is in how they are cast, the new ones tend to stick foods even if “seasoned” correctly. My skillets are absolutely NON-stick and I keep them greased with a thin coat of lard for protection. The ultimate NO-STICK-LIFE-TIME-GUARENTEED cook ware! I also have bean pots, deep skillets to fry in, griddles etc. and dutch ovens (with legs on the bottom and a lid with a lip for holding coals) for outdoor baking. The lid on one of my dutches got broken on the edge here recently so I have to watch the auctions and flea markets to find another one. They are brittle when they are cold and any good lick with anything hard will snap them so I guess something hit it when I didn’t know about it, but those are kept outside in the barn, so could have been anything dropped on it.
Kindheart – He didnt get it when you were with him. He isnt going to get it through a CD. The feelings and thoughts you have are normal, but when I first became FRIENDS with him, one day we met at the gym. My ipod battery died, he said, wait, I have another one in my car. I was like wow! now thats a man who likes his music. I plugged it in and off I went to the treadmill, GF – there were such sappy songs on it (girly songs – sexy songs – a few love songs) I was somewhat taken aback – just not the kind of thing I pictured this guy listening too. When I handed it back to him, I said so is “I wanna be your nasty girl” your favorite song? He laughed and said no, one of my old girlfriends gave it to me, said he tossed it in the glovebox after listening to first song. Called her crazy, as I remember. He told me alot of girls liked to do that, download songs on his ipod or give him preloaded ones. At the time we were strictly friends, I wasnt even considering the guy. But thats what he did with it. Loaned it to me.
Star we posted over each other I think! LOL Hope tomorrow is a better one for you too, don’t make me have to get the skillet out, I am wearing out my oven door from opening and shutting it so much! LOL Sorry you are having a downer too.
I do think that getting over the P is only the FIRST step in healing us from whatever it was made us vulnearable in the first place. Keep on truckiing, Sister! We are ALL on the road to Healing! (((hugs)))))
OxD, you just reminded me of a great skillet story, though a little off topic. When I was 26 I went on a 7-day backpacking trip in the high Sierras with a group of people I didn’t know very well. We were each responsible for cooking one meal, and we had to all carry a pack with about 30 lbs on it. One guy in our group decided to bring an IRON SKILLET! None of us could understand why he would want to carry all that weight around with him for 7 days. But after eating ramen for 4 or 5 days (this is what everyone brought for dinner), he cooked us some corn bread and black eyed peas in his skillet. It was one of the most delicious meals I ever had after all the ramen.
So the moral of the story here is that I think skillets are the most underappreciated household items of all time.
Everyone – Did you hear that ! Oxy’s catering the LF party at her farm! All you need to bring is yourself and a brand new skillet, or used, or recycled one!
Dear Star,
They make great weapons too! LOL
Stargazer – Sorry about your day. IT sucks. Its like a constant battle within to have several great days in a row. Ventured out hiking today only to be rained on half way through! Its always something aint it. But you are so right about life being about friends and family. As well as taking good care of ourselves. if you get a chance reread your first paragraph to Akitameg – it was spot on – and it goes for you too!!
Akitameg: I’m taking it one hour, one minute at a time. You said, “I lost everything with this man you guys. EVERYTHING. I do not see at my age how a person can truly recover.”
I agree. I don’t know how I will recover. But I’m trying to figure that out. Wanna help? I know that one thing we give each other on this site is a different vision of ourselves. We reflect back to each other and give each other strength.
The first time I dropped into this site was a year and a half ago. Oxy was a different person. I don’t even know if she remembers, but she was not the larger-than-life icon that she has become. And I know we all count on her in ways that we didn’t know we’d need, and for things that no one else can provide.
Akitameg, your life is not over. That “old” life is, but you have a new stage in front of you. I don’t know why I’ve been through all the loss I have had to endure. I don’t know how I will function in this immediate future, but I’m still here right now, so I guess I’m not done yet.
Let’s keep encouraging each other, OK?