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A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Laws and courts / A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

February 16, 2009 //  by Donna Andersen

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Legal Abuse SyndromeI clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.

I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.

It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.


Eight steps to recovery

The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.

Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.

Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.

2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.

Protocol works

I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.

Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.

When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.

Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.

Legal Abuse Syndrome in the Lovefraud Store.

Category: Laws and courts, Recovery from a sociopath

Previous Post: « After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 4-Bargaining
Next Post: RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: Online predators aren’t who they say they are »
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Stargazer
16 years ago

Please tell me what stage I’m at. I felt I was moving along quite well with my healing. I stopped obsessing many months ago and didn’t even feel the need to blog here except to drop in once in a while and offer support. Then suddenly, out of the blue, the S appeared on my internet forum (not this one thankfully), and my world came crashing down. That forum was my one release from the stresses in life. It is also where I met him. I thought the army and my friends had successfully driven him off of it. At the same time, I found out that the army probably did not punish him for fraud as I believed they would (my being a key witness in their investigation and all). I am now suddenly thrust back into battle, trying to bring his case to the attention of a higher agency than the army.

I was so hoping he was just out of my life for good. I honestly didn’t even care if he got off without punishment, as long as I didn’t have to hear about it. Out of sight, out of mind. Now he is back playing his games with my internet community and my good friends there. I had to leave. It tears me apart and makes me sick. I don’t want to leave that site. But I can’t be there with him there. I wish there was some other way besides letting him win on this.

What stage would this be? It’s way beyond simple anger. It feels like the stage where I’m ready to go shoot his balls off.

Wini
16 years ago

StarG: I think the military is very serious in throwing these characters out of the service. People lives are on the line and they don’t need a superficial jerk in there.

Sit back and watch the court martial.

Peace.

Stargazer
16 years ago

WinE, have you been reading my other posts? I think the army has swept this under the rug for some reason. The sociopath may just be too slick for them. Or maybe he got a lawyer with his hefty salary they pay him to play women and collect snakes. It would be so great if they threw him out without pay. If they did, I could return to my reptile site and hold my head high and expose him with evidence.

shabbychic2
16 years ago

star: did you see my comment above regarding the meetup groups? it was just an idea that popped into my head.

Stargazer
16 years ago

No I couldn’t find it. Are you talking about meetup.com? Do you think they have snake lovers groups? That would be awesome. Not the same as the site, but still cool.

shabbychic2
16 years ago

star: sorry, I’m a dork, it was on the Healing Part 4 article. I’ll copy and paste it here.

shabbychic2
16 years ago

star: There is a web-site for groups of people that want to get together for all sorts of fun stuff, you’ve probably heard of it” meetup.com ” I belong to a couple of groups that are just women and we go to a movie, out to lunch, went to the race track one Friday night” anyway, the point is, you can go to the site and type in your interest and see if there is anyone else in your area interested in snakes or reptiles. My daughter belongs to a group where everyone in the group owns a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel! Or you can start your own group!

Stargazer
16 years ago

Oh wow, I had forgotten all about that. I will DEFINITELY look into that, shabbychic. Thank you so much. Not too many people like snakes. I may have to start a group of which I may be the only member. lol

shabbychic2
16 years ago

Haha. If you live in a fairly large city where there is a Zoo… maybe if you hang out at the snake area you can meet the snake keepers and they might know more about the snake community in your area. I just read this back to myself and it sounds hilarious!!

Stargazer
16 years ago

LOL, I was always planning to start a snake commune in the Caribbean and invite all the members of my reptile site. 🙁 Just having a nostalgic moment. With my luck the sociopath would join my meetup group. He only lives an hour away. That would be hilarious in a really tragic way. I wish I could afford to go to the zoo. Our zoo has a great tropical discovery area featuring a giant anaconda and dozens of snakeys!

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