I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
DEar Kathy,
EXCELLENT examples of holding on. I used to work in head injury and spinal cord rehabilitation, lots of para/quadrapalegics, amputees, and people making the most of what they had left! Living good lives in spite of their losses.
Just to be able to wipe your own nose (or butt) and feed yourself in a blessing, and these people would think it was a VICTORY to do those things. We must be GRATEFUL for the blessings we have.
Sure, those people may not ever be able to dance, or climb mountains again but they are still alive, can still laugh and love and LIVE. For goodness sakes, look at Stephen Hawken (I think that is his name) unable to do anything for himself yet one of the THE greatest minds in the world!
Look at what a grand spirit “Superman” had after he broke his neck…and what a wonderful spirit his wife had.
I reread my little book by Dr. Ea Shinoda Bolin, M.D. today, and CRONES DON’T WHINE! (Crone=wise woman) and whining doesnt mean you never complain, or tell your tale of woe, I don’t think I need to describe the differences in whining (emotional extortion) and talking about our problems. Whining (emotional extortion) is what the Ps do!
We are becoming Crones and Crumdugeons here, we are becoming WISE PEOPLE, people who have lived, loved, lost, and RECOVERED our strength, taken back our POWER and GROWN from these experiences! TOWANDA!!!!
ps. Glad you got your work done, Kathy! Good for you. Our trail ride for tomorrow is canceled, due to rain and cold, but maybe on Sunday and next week M-F is going to be nice, I may just declare a HOLIDAY NEXT WEEK and go recreate! Get off my dead ass and onto my Fat Ass and go for a ride!
You guys have all lifted my spirits tonight. You can’t ever leave this site! I just saw a regular massage client who is very social and interactive. She always gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek when she arrives and when she leaves. We always have a really good time and she gets a great massage. Tonight, instead of massage music, she wanted to listen to (and watch) my Richard Simmons disco DVD. So I ended up dancing while I was giving the massage. I wish all of my work could be like this. It’s so much more satisfying than going into an office. Anyway, since Richard Simmons is in the DVD player, I’m gonna work out for an hour and check back.
Jim, thank for letting me know that guys still look at women who are 48. I was dating 48 y.o. guys when I was 30, so I just assumed they all want 30 y.o. women.
Kathy, that was a really insightful post. It’s great to belong to a site with so many healers.
I feel like the stuff I’m dealing with is preverbal, and issues from very early on in my life. I have been shutting down from a very early age, and the experience is actually energetic, meaning I can feel the process in my body in specific locations. I honestly don’t know how to get through it, but your post made me realize that the catastrophic thinking about it is really counterproductive.
I also find that when I hang out with my friends these days, I’m not very interested in conversations and especially hearing stories about the past. I’m more interested in just being, and maybe listening or playing music and dancing. This is what seems to keep me in the present and feels the most alive for me. My office job is so left brain. I suppose it’s good to know I can focus on left brain stuff for 8 hours at a time, but my soul needs something more right now.
Star, can I put the skillet away NOW? Are you done being down on yourself! LOL (((Hugs)))))
stargazer: I feel the same way you do, like I’m still a little girl.
I’m sick of being single and I don’t want to carry this burden around anymore, but I’m in my early 50’s so men are even more scarce for me +++ I only attract freaks, or I’m only attracted to them.
I live in Southern California and there is nothing to do. I can’t go out by myself, whenever I have… I felt like a freak. Even if I go out with girlfriends, if I get there first and have to wait… I feel like a freak. I’m stuck on this word! I’m a Super Freak!
OxD, better keep the skillet handy. My mood has not run its course yet. 🙂
Shabbychic, first of all, let me just say I’m jealous of your living in SoCal. I grew up there in my teenage years, living in Huntington Beach and going to UC Irvine. I even got to live on Balboa Island one year. I miss that beautiful place, especially when we get blizzards here. But people in SoCal can also by fake and superficial. That used to get to me even when I was in my 20’s. So you never married either? I thought maybe I was the only one. Granted, I’m okay with the IDEA of being single. I don’t look around at my married friends with envy–it’s not like that. I just feel like I could use some help dealing with day-to-day stuff. I get tired of doing everything by myself sometimes. Like now, I wish someone else could clean out my snakes’ water dishes and fix me a meal, so I could work out and hang out on the internet. I’m just so tired.
Dear Chic,
I think I know what you mean about feeling bad when you are alone in a place, eating out or whatever! Been there and done that too at times. Now I am getting past that, not sure why. I think part of it is the accepting of myself the way I AM rather than feeling like I’m not OK as I am. Part of it is the look in the mirror I think. I had a hard time with that when my husband was gone, it was like when we married when I was less than 40, the age crept up but I didn’t notice it cause I knew I was loved, no matter what.
Now, I know that I don’t look like I did then and it appeared to be “sudden” (of course it wasn’t!) and now I don’t get whistled at any more, and most younger guys look at me like a “mom” or “grandma” but I don’t FEEL 62, but I do LOOK IT and I would rather look younger and rather be whistled at, etc.
But even when I was younger I didn’t feel really pretty(I was though) Back when I was 35 I had a partner who was 21 and BEAUTIFUL this HUNK of a guy was always hanging out, o ne day he asked ME OUT. I was so dumbfounded I said “Don’t you mean you are asking HER out!” He said, “NO, I’m asking YOU out.” That year (turning 35) was a hard one for me as I felt OLD LOL NOthing ever came of our date, it was just one, but it did raise my spirits etc.
I think the X-BF P coming on so strong to me made me feel so alive again, so desirable etc. and that is a HEADY feeling. Especially since I was feeling OLD, FAT, UGLY, UNDESIRABLE etc. You know, though, I’m more satisfied with ME now and if I want to go to a show by myself or wait on some GFs to meet me, SO WHAT. Most people don’t even NOTICE ME, and NO ONE BUT ME CARES, so what the heck. The feeling that everyone is looking at me (like I did when I was a teenager) is just that a feeling, and in reality most people don’t notice others, they are too involved with what they are doing. YOU ARE NOT A FREAK! It is all about perceptions. Our own perceptions of ourselves.
Don’t you make me get the skillet out now!!!! Star is wearing my arm geting it out and putting it back, my right arm is starting to look like a muscle builder’s! LOL (((Hugs)))))
Hello all:
Thinking about being single and living it.
After most of 31 years being in relationships/marriage it is hard being on your own. But I am learning things in this short time, off and on and for good now with the S gone. I find things that are hard such as the kitchen pipe freezing under the sink, all this winter and to keep replacing towels, and the pipes in the sink freeze and when thaw on a warmer day leaks to the basement. The inside door handle sticking and locking me “in the House” from that door and trying to remove it and it breaks off, and now duct tape used as a sealer for the knob hole that is left, not sure if I can put the new lock on but I can try and maybe amaze myself.
These little things I cannot do and usually hire someone to fix. And paying all the bills yourself. My first marriage of 20 years was 50/50, with everything. So doing these on my own is still an everyday challenge and makes me realize I have a hard time with a screwdriver and hanging curtain rods.
The car, my first used to check the oil and all that stuff. Yesterday in my early morning run and dash out of the house I happen to look at the oil gauge as I do when driving it was at 76%. After my morning dropoff, I looked and it said 0%. Wow, what the heck is this. 2 weeks ago I went and had the oil change place top it off with 2 quarts to full. I had another month before my oil change. So why was it at 0%. I went to the gas station and checked the dip stick. It was dry after 4 times of rechecking it. I put 2 quarts in and went right away to the oil change place. I told them what happened and they said I could have run it out due to sludge and cold driving (which i doubt) I let it run in the drive until the control says warm, I burned 6-8 quarts in 2 weeks, I don’t think so I am right on with regualr changes, he said there were no leaks in the system, my garage floor is dry and so is the driveway. So where did the oil go all of it? I will never know but having it go from 76% on the system to 0% and being aware could have been a major tragedy blowing the engine. Whew again.
Sometimes it feels like whew again.
If anything it would help to have a man around. But it is Ok. I have to learn with every household and car disaster to stay calm first, there are a few solutions for every problem. Panic only after the car blows up. No. Stay calm and look for a new solution.
Just wanted to vent this out. Car is full of new oil and will keep and eye out and check the dip stick, in case the gauge is wrong.
My fantasy is for that knight in white, from the game mystery date. The gorgeous hunk who is there in the white suit, I think he had a flower in his hand when he arrived to the open door in the game. He would solve my frozen pipe issues and no oil in the car and no door knob on, just duct tape and a heavy object blocking the door from opening in the windy days. My neighbor friends said their husbands would help with these, but I will have someone come to do these things.
Mystery date guy is not there. I have opened the door to the game and S was not even behind the door. They did not mention the S’s in the world in the game. I knew they were there through learning in other ways.
I like being single, despite these things, even though I can recite more of Sponge Bob and Dr. Seuss, but I have a new perspective now that S is gone and been bleached and pine soled out, and the fog is leaving my mind and knowing what he was.
So much for the game of mystery date as a young girl. I hold on to my beliefs and teachings of evil in the world (the S) and the good in the world. No more fantasies of what he was, even if he was here he wouldn’t fix these things to spite me, and I couldn’t certainly fix him, as he can’t fix what my needs are, whether they were physical or emotional.
Maybe after all these years I was meant to learn to use a screwdriver, or the lesson, there are things you just can’t fix, fix yourself. And smile it is a new day. The sky did not fall and it has all worked out, but the price was high.
Star: Yes, I could use help with the day to day stuff. I could also use help with financial burdens and just having to worry about everything myself, having someone to talk to would be nice. Huntington Beach is beautiful, I wish I lived there, SoCal is ok, but I’m still alone, having my pity party. My daughter lives on the east coast, my sister is married and she is an alpha dog, really bossy, I have girlfriends but I don’t tell them 1/2 the crap I tell you guys!! I’m going out tomorrow night with my meetup.com GF’s. Oh, I don’t envy married friends either, I think most of them are miserable. At least I’m in charge of the remote control!!!!
Oxy: I never felt pretty when I was younger either, but I was, I look at pictures and say “look how pretty I was, and why did I think I was fat?” Now I do think I’m pretty… but nobody cares! The S/P coming on so strong did make me feel good about myself, why can’t I do that for myself, I think I’m hooked on that feeling. That’s why I said I still feel like a little girl! I am so worried about being loved. I’m coming to the LF party as Super Freak, I’ll bring a boom box and have the Rick James song blasting!!!!!!
Star: You mention feeling the healing process in your body. I listened to a friend give a talk last week, based in her astrological understanding, but her take is that as of November 27, 2008, we moved out of an era of thinking with our heads and into a new era of “thinking” with our bodies.
She recommends that when we feel something in our bodies, we stop a moment and acknowledge and ask “What do you want me to know?” and listen for the answer. I have been doing some research that points to the body having “intelligence” that we haven’t given ourselves credit for. I assume all of us here will pay closer attention to our “gut feel” in the future. But are you familiar with “HeartMath”?
I wonder if we are all here exploring new aspects of consciousness as we do our best to heal from the unconscionable.