I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Is opn: What a riot! Duct tape is a beautiful thing! Jeez, that reminds me that I need an oil change, it’s been months! I don’t think your car could use 6-8 quarts in 2 weeks either, they probably forgot to put it in!!!!
I had to break a window when I locked myself out of the house about a year ago, I nailed a piece of plastic over the window, it’s still there. I just locked myself out of the house again this afternoon! But the garage was open and I was able to pop the thing that comes out of the door and goes in the slot with a screwdriver so I got back in without breaking anything.
I think the thing I hate about being single is that it makes me feel “not wanted”. Why did I have to grow up listening to all those stupid love songs in the 60’s & 70’s? Why did my mother not tell me about evil men? Why didn’t she tell me about anything? Why didn’t she pound into my head that I am pretty (I did that for my daughter, but she is pretty).
I guess I’ve been waiting for a man to fill my needs all these years. Never happened. All I did was try to fix them.
Well, at least now, after reading about S/P’s, I’ll question people’s intentions and establish some boundaries.
How is duct tape like “THE FORCE”?
It’s light on one side, dark on the other, and hold the Universe together.
MAY THE DUCT TAPE BE WITH US!!!
S text me a short while ago asking why I did not answer his voice mails about him being sick and needing to use the support money he was going to send, to go to the doctor.
He said he is now in the hospital and if I want to pursue the support of this week to send the locals to the hospital for him.
A lie? Maybe, but he sounded in the voicemails this week as having either bronchitis or maybe pneumonia. He is a heavy lifetime smoker.
The only thing being a caring person I can do for him, is pray for him, for his health.
Okay, I recommend Richard Simmons to everybody. I just worked out to the disco sweat DVD. This DVD actually makes me WANT to work out. He is an angel. I don’t really have any weight to lose but it’s still a pretty decent work out. There are people of all sizes on it–not just a bunch of twiggy supermodels. His message is so positive, and they are having such a good time. It’s just irresistible. I guess I’m feeling a little bit better. I feel less old and fat and ugly after I just did a work out.
Yes, guys, I AM fortunate in that my sons are here to help with all the “things to do” I could never stay here all by myself and get it all done. We split up the car care though I do know how to do it, I do most of the cooking and some of the laundry, they mop floors, help with livestock grass mowing and so on. I COULD do it, but it would work me to death. If I were ALONE on this place without my sons or a hired hand (can’t afford to pay anyone now so that’s out) I would have to rent out the house and move into the RV. It takes mechanic work from time to time and plumbing etc. but I could do that at this point in time. I would DOWN SIZE into a smaller place or get a male roomie that part of his rent was helping around the place.
Our little 3-person “commune” works for us all because we like each other’s company which helps a lot. I think there is a lot to be said for living with a “roomie” of some sort. Even another woman would be company (if you liked them etc) and help with “chores.” Just the every day things of working, housekeeping, shopping and vehicle maintenance is sometimes overwhelming for ONE person, to say nothing of paying this bill or that, going to dentist, doctor, drugstore, etc. I like the multiple person household concept better than just one person living alone in their own digs (in anything bigger than a small apartment with maintence included)
A dear friend of mine called tonight (she uses her daily commute time to chat with friends on a hands free phone) and her husband died, she is alone, working, taking care of pets, going for her CPA exam at 60 years old, just finished the college degree for it evenings) and is tied down and it is difficult for us to visit in person much any more or for her to go to our living history events (I haven’t gone much lately either) I don’t have the “tied down” bit because I can take off and leave a son here to take care of stock, the house, dogs etc. that gives me a lot of freedom I wouldn’t have if I lived ALONE alone. I can understand the need to share chores for sure. If my sons got married and moved off into their own homes (chances are I would give son D this house and I would move out to the RV or build a much smaller place) I would get a roomie of some sort to share chores with etc.
I CAN do it all, but it would work me like a slave to keep up. I only have two hands.
Rune,
I do believe our bodies TALK to us much more than we LISTEN. In my contact with more primitive societies I have noticed some things that are different–they are much more attuned to their bodies. I think westerners as a rule ignore our bodies or keep pushing them like a “borrowed mule.” Our totally ignoring the signs of stress induced illness (and I am BAD about that in the past) and not listening to our bodies tell us to SLOW DOWN, we “burn out” mentally and physically and spiritually.
I had this drive that I had to go on no matter what was “wrong” with me. I worked on a broken leg after ONE day off. I kept on exactly like my leg wasn’t broken, in pain and stupidity! NO MORE. If I feel something in the way of a message to me, I am not going to ignore it any more.
Summer before last I ran a fever for over 60 days, felt like crap, had rocky mountain spotted fever for goodness sakes, and I didn’t even take my temp. I just “brushed it off” like it was a flea until I was so sick I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs. NO MORE. I will listen now, and actually, it is telling me to go to bed now, so I am going to do that very thing! Good night folks!
Oxy: That was the hook the S/P used with me. I was exhausted from doing the work of five people and being alone. We could help each other. I could help him get back on his feet after a bad divorce; he could help me with my business . . .
I’ve never had either of my two dogs lie to me. They might lie ON me, but never TO me.
Rue: funny girl. Duct tape, does wonders, my neighbors look and laugh when I am in the garage and the inside door blows open and yorkie guy comes walking out like an electric door, it opens and he can watch me like this morning. The roads here were a solid sheet of ice and I was putting down 20lb. of salt in the extremely slippery driveway so I could put the refuse out.
It makes me laugh now the duct tape door and the neighbors, but I managed.
Other uses for duct tape, I will keep searching, and electrical tape, just had an idea use electrical tape to tape the towel to the cold water pipe that freezes, I leave the cabinet door open and it thaws and drips to the towel. LOL.
The duct tape force is with me! Funny Rune. LOL. I had dreams of laughter last night after learning things on the blog. The good neurons are firing today, frozen roads and pipes and all.
Rune. correction please. sorry
Speaking of more things to do, my snake’s heating lamp just broke, so I had to rig up something temporarily till I go out and buy a new one. It just never ends…..those things are not cheap.
Rune, the tension builds up in my head right below my eyes. I, so it has something to do with just wanting to be seen and paid attention to. It seems like when I was little, no one ever even made much eye contact with me so I withdrew from a very early age. It has been like this my whole life; I end up feeling like a pressure cooker, so I just shut down. When I’m like that, it’s very hard to make eye contact with people. I think I’m a weirdo. I don’t know anyone else who goes through this. I hope my new counselor can help with it.
Shabbychic, it’s okay to have a pity party. But you have to have a time limit on it. I say about an hour, and then it’s time to do something else. I wish I were still out there–I’d drag you to Disneyland or Knotts Berry Farm.