I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Is: Specifically heat tape is flat plastic that has thin wires running through it. You wrap the stuff around the pipe and plug the end into an outlet. I used to live in a cabin in the woods and I had that stuff wrapped all around the pipes in the space under the house. MUCH easier than cutting and resoldering pipes after they froze and burst. One winter I learned a lot: how to replace a frozen/burst pump, how to cut copper tubing, how to use a hipple extractor, how to wield a torch and solder a joint while laying in a two-foot-high crawlspace without catching the house on fire . . .
The rising up like a Phoenix sounds good to me! The swinging skillet could really be a workout… like the “Kettle Ball” workout I saw on a DVD!!!!!!!!
Oxy: I thought of you today and your animals that you describe so vividly. I pulled up at the school for drop off and there is a large pen with a black cow and her 2 babies outside the front of the school door. And there were 2 oversized tractors next to the cow pens by the sidewalks. I stopped to talk to the cows with the youngin. Mama cow seemed a bit stressed from the kids and buses and just wanted to go home and relax. I live in total surrounding farm area.
It was a day that the youngins went to the HS to visit and learn of the local farmers animals. A petting zoo indoors to say. There were goats, cows, a horse, bunnies and other animals. The farmers do alot of things in this town for parades, the outdoor market, and the school and at the church a few of the farmers brought their antique cars to the church and gave rides to the youngins with the teachers. I like to shop the local farm store, a bit different seeing horse feed next to what I need to get. I like the small town feel and the historical homes. The good side of life.
hey guys, spent the night eating fudge and watching television. Still thinking about the s and i hate the feeling of putting my life on hold. You know the feeling when you would wait for the phone call that never came, well i don’t like making my whole life feel that way but that seems to be the way it is at times. Other times im in the moment and enjoying myself. It’s such a waste of good energy thinking of him but hard not to at times. It hasn’tt been that long that i’ve been in n/c so i guess i can’t expect too much. Close to two months but the phone call last sat didn’t help.
I think Oxy did say something about building up muscles in her arms from swinging the skillet. So there is some merit to the skillet work out! lol You have to remember to switch arms to get an even workout. ha ha ha
Kindheart….Ugh….I remember all too well night after night thought of the S creeping into my mind. I couldn’t even listen to my favorite music without thinking about him, because it was also his favorite music (or so he said). It will pass eventually. I have found that the obsessing usually leads to the deeper feelings, which are grief and sadness. Once you have cried all the loss out, the obsessing gets less. It will happen for you eventually. Hang in there. You are breaking an addiction.
Rune: you got it going on as a self fixer! I can try to do these things, but first let the frustration and it will just fix itself theory go.
I used 2 have 5 people living with me. The oldest would be 30 something, the next late twenties so somebody could figure a way, or break something new trying and learning to do. It all works out, even though things change.
I don’t think I could ever manage a torch though. You are a brave soul. It is enough to mix the oil and gas for outdoor things and hope you have the right mix. My next attempt, changing the oil in the 6 year old lawnmower. It has never been done. Someone brought me the tool.
thanks Star, and yes it is like an addiction for sure and feels like grief, then anger then sadness just lots of yuck. It’s just so hard to wrap m y mind around the fact that it’s over whatever it was. It goes nowhere if you know what i mean, it is nothing , meaningless but it happened and for a long time, six years long. Hard to know what to do with it. There are times when im tempted to call him and hang up but then i have moments where i think why would i ever bother to call him it’s just so dam up and down. yes it is very much like detoxing as i can remember how hard it was when i quit drinking in the beginning and i even rem when i was grieving the old lifestyle etc.
Stargazer – been catching up on posts from today. IS OPN said perhaps the lesson is that there are some things we just cant fix. But we CAN FIX OURSELVES.
and re crying I cried so damn much for mths that one day I duct taped the car radio. told kids it was broken. i couldnt get from point a to point b without lookin like a red nose racoon It was bad.
Duct tape off just this week And my little guy said Wow Mom howd u fix the radio i said i rewired a few things!!!! lol but im determined to stay rewired . cant do country station yet but maybe sum day
Rune: Re: We should have a workout section here in the LF site where we can break off from this form of communication and ride our asses, swing skillets, frost cookies, wade through organic material while wearing our hip-high boots, and at the end, rise up like phoenixes so we can get a bird’s eye view of this mess that had us mired down. Whatcha think?
Yes. I would love to do this. I need more fun, to let it all go. I have already been wearing the boots and wading in the inorganic stuff, so I will pass on that one. I have plenty of new cookie cutters, new never used. I am going to pull out the four year old Brand new sewing machine and teach myself with the enclosed video. I can attempt, hats first, I want a huge sunflower in mine. The sun always returns after the darkest days. The birds ate my planted sunflower seeds last year before they had a chance to sprout, so plastic flowers will have to do.
I remember when I was in the worst of it, I just felt like I would die and certainly wanted to. I didn’t die. And I don’t crave the S any more. I never thought the feelings would go away but they did eventually. You had a much longer relationship, so it will probably take a little longer. But there are predictable stages we have all gone through, and you will too. Hang in there. It does get better and life does go on. Sometimes I wish life’s lessons could just be a like a gentle tap on the shoulder instead of being spiked face down in the dirt.