I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Wow, duct tape is just so damn useful! Is there anything it can’t do???? When I was grieving over the S, I used to always listen to my radio on the way home from work. Most songs that came on made me cry. So I just cried. I cried until there were no tears to cry for the S any more. Now the tears I cry are for how I was treated when I was little. Maybe still as painful, but at least it’s about me and not about some creep that was renting space in my head. My mistake, he didn’t even bother to pay rent for that space!
would prob have been a bad check anyway! saved yourself the bank fee!
rune: Wow! I don’t even know what half that stuff is you fixed!
earnthelesson: Re: I duct taped the car radio. told kids it was broken.
Crying, it is hard, but very very healing. I have done it off and onduring years of grief, and felt there were no more tears left, and worked through. And certain songs, places, sites bring the tears back. It was intended for us to do this with the tear ducts we have been given, and the gift of emotions of love, and being hurt to be able to cry. I no longer resist the crying emotion. I feel better after the tissues are gone. I am grateful to feel love, some may never know love, but I cry at being hurt. Some never get hurt, they cannot allow themselves to seek love.
I just wish, (I know better on this one, no wishes, the skillet), it would not hurt as much if it wasn’t an S. Maybe then the S would cry and feel emotion too. huh. No wishing. Reality the S I know is an S.
kindheart48: I sure know about waiting for the phone call. I hate that feeling. But the high I would get when he called, that was part of my addiction.
Chic: I didn’t know what half that stuff was either, when I started! At the end, though, I was pretty happy when I could turn the faucet and water came out!
Is Opn – I cried so much, I got an eye infection from mascara in my eye, or rubbing it or some crazy thing. And I have cried in front of my kids over the loss of my mother, and some very valid acceptable life moments. But I made a promise to myself I would not cry over him in front of them. Some mornings that meant sunglasses to the bus stop on rainy days… sometimes sprints into the shower so they couldnt hear me… but the car, I had no choice two teenage girls in a car equates to music playing. I couldnt hold it in. They know Moms been a little out of sorts but I just couldnt give in to the depression. By grace of god I made it through. Lots of microwaved meals in 2008 tho!!!!
Stargazer: I can relate to the after tears.
Corn snake. I had the opportunity to see a corn snake first time ever, last week. I had gone to the park to get my youngin and they were very excited to show me the corn snake with light red/orange lines in the cage on the table. The teacher brought in her pet for the youngins, and had it out for them to pet if they wanted to. They all did but 1. The fear that some people have of snakes must be, a later learned thing. These youngins were not afraid. The teacher did get bit after showing it to the kids, it was a new pet and she said it got out and lost in her house once and the family searched for hours.
My fear of snakes goes back to my grandparents garden. Looking for tomatoes to pull for dinner, I usually encountered a black, or black and yellow snake and ran. That is where my fear began.
I have woods backing around the house with many, many snakes in my yard. All sizes and colors. Cutting the grass next to the patio last year a snake, came out and picked it’s head up off of the ground tweleve inches and looked at me. Scared the living heck out of me. In my fear I was not sure if he slithered back to the mower. You could hear me scream for blocks. No kidding.
I have plenty of snakes, would you like any? Really. Really.
I used to have tons of frogs, I no longer see frogs, the snakes ate well? I also found a huge snake skin while raking. You could hear me scream for blocks. Another time I was putting down rocks and this one liitle snake guy would not leave the area. I waited for 2 hours before he would go. I must have been in his territory. I just don’t want to get bit. I think the fear is learned, seeing that kids had fun with the corn snake. Any suggestions what I should do when I encounter one so I don’t scare them? Stay calm?. LOL.
The loss was HUGE. I now realize it was more that just the S. But he was the catalyst for my being made to feel so comfortable, trusting, open, relaxed, sensual, and loved… felt most like myself our first year of friendship and then crossing that line with him. But I ignored the red flags – when you do that the potential for hurt and pain just escalates with each and every flag you ignore.
Is: Have you heard of Arnold Mindell? He is a psychologist/physicist (Jung & MIT!) who believes that we energetically manifest our realities. Yeah, I know, this sounds like all that other fringe stuff, but his work is pretty interesting.
Well, the other interesting thing is that in a number of spiritual teachings, a snake showing up in your life is supposed to be a GOOD sign that you are in a major state of transition on your path to enlightenment.
So, WOW, honey! You are some lucky woman! I guess you just didn’t know it. Actually, according to those spiritual teachings, you should leave the snake where it is, and not move it but respect it.