I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
learnthelesson: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
I wear the sunglasses too, or the tinted glasses when I have my moments. I no longer wear mascara. The youngin was only a few months old when I had a loss. I was determined to be strong when around him. I started my youngin in the daycare at 2, part time to give me more time to grieve, and get things done, and my time, or like you in the bathroom and come out feeling better.
Microwave meals, yes. Now back to cooked meals, but the microwave ones helped during the time.
I can relate to your posts, it sounds like mine with another name.
Thanks. LOL
Rune: Re: Well, the other interesting thing is that in a number of spiritual teachings, a snake showing up in your life is supposed to be a GOOD sign that you are in a major state of transition on your path to enlightenment.
So, WOW, honey! You are some lucky woman!
Maybe I am more enlightened than I was aware, huh a new thought, snakes surround me, but don’t want any bites to prove it. LOL
Dear opn: Why does EVERYBODY find snakes in their back yards except me? Why can’t I have a burmese python come up through my toilet or find a large boa in the heating ducts? I actually go out into the wild looking for them, and I never find them! I think the thing to do if you encounter a snake is to just cuddle it. Snakes need love, too. 🙂 Once you’ve been bitten a few times, the shock and fear of it wears off.
Yes the Loss is a big hole in our life, and we fight with our self to understand why it feels like loss when in most cases we kicked them to the curb ourselves. And then we want so bad to believe the lies again – rinse and repeat – it’s called the dance and they have no limit’s and will dance with us until we stop the music…..No Contact…..it takes every ounce of strength we can grab hold of minute by minute, day by day. They are imposter’s who take over our souls. This past year has been unreal, most of the time I don’t even feel alive, like a walking zombie, I am going to survive this though, i guess it is a Life Lesson as they say..I just hate these moment’s when I think of him being happy and not even remembering who I am…
Stargazer:You can have all of my snakes, if I could catchem and not freak, I would gladly pay postage to send them to you. The woods are very damp and I think they enjoy being there and when they want to get dry and sleep, they come over by me.
One of the neighbors little ones walked right over one in the front yard in the grass. I would wonder how many actually inhabit this parcel of land, that was dried for homes. The farmers house is within view, and the fields of crop, and the wetlands. The snakes seem to have everything they need to prosper here, and then freaky humans like me come along. LOL.
henry: Re: why it feels like loss when in most cases we kicked them to the curb
Good point. Maybe the feelings of loss is the realization of the uncovering of the mask. Interpreted personally (in my relationship with S), as a death of the one they portrayed. A real death as we saw it, therefore we feel actual grief and still continue to long for them, until we heal, work through and grieve. Grief can also come with divorce or other types of losses.
The symptoms of grief I have come across are many that I have felt after kicking the S to the curb. Disbelief, denial, sadness, longing for the lost one, anger, feelings of no energy, losing sight to the future, nothing seems important, wanting to change the outcome, sometimes even feeling as if you were crazy. All part of grief.
The last one, feelings as if you were crazy, threw me when I first read this symptom of grief, although it is not always posted on most grief sites. It was on a U site in Canada, I first saw it. I have also read of grief, and (pathological grief, a morbid preoccupation of grief, or known as, complicated grief), I prefer to say complicated.
Is: “The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go . . .” from Robert Frost.
I have done a lot of esoteric study, but I can’t say that I know some literal meaning to communicate to you, I do know that when I have seen snakes or even dreamed of them, something big came into my life. And even though I kicked and screamed, the end result was better.
I remember a recurring dream (haven’t had it in awhile) in which I had a glass enclosure full of snakes. I am not a “snake handler” like stargazer. I don’t seek them out. But I will pick them up and appreciate them if they are pets. So I suggest that if you want to meditate a bit on the “great universe” meaning of the snakes in your yard, and this snake in you life . . .I don’t believe you are crazy. I do believe that you are going through a profound transition in your life. And I believe you can pull good out of it.
I also sense that these events came to you because somehow — like it or not — you were ready. Your soul was asking you to take the next step into learning even more.
Sometimes I think of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” I actually travel with a towel. I’m adding duct tape to my travel accesories, on top of my tiny water boiler and my travel French press coffee maker. Maybe gloves and a forked stick need to be in the package in case I run into snakes in the road.
I never deserved the devastation I’ve been living through. Not in any belief system I knew. But here it is. I choose to consider that I am growing in a way I would never have chosen, but that what I’ll gain from this class is worth the cost.
Henry: I’m glad you are here, because we are all capable of seeing who you are, knowing who you are, and caring who you are.
And you must be REALLY special, since I hear that you and Oxy have a “thing,” and the fact that you are gay hasn’t been a “dealbreaker” for her.
So, OK, borrow Oxy’s skillet and whack me a good one.
Notice how the company here is what you might have wished for from a companion? Notice how we are teaching each other what we really deserve?
I’m so glad you are part of the crowd. You also give me courage in my dark hours.
Hi Everyone,
Been catching up on two days of posts..
Stargazer, ShabbyChic and Kindheart 48, I too can relate to your suffering as to being alone…I too am 48, alone for at a good 6 years, except the time with the S (1 year) which doesn’t count as we are ALONE with them as anyway.
The aloneness can be overwhelming and neverending, especially if we don’t have children or parents (my case), to help provide meaning to our lives. Especially so, after the trauma of dealing with an S.
In actual fact, we are dealing with 2 major challenges at once…suffering intense aloneness and breaking an addiction! Not an easy or enviable position to be in.
I liked how you put it, Stargazer, the S rented space in our heads without even paying the price. Loved that.
Henry, yes, they are imposters who take over our souls….
Everyone, I would totally support the idea of a in-person Lovefraud party!
Well, I watched a movie and went to bed. I missed the home repair section and how to “respect the snake”.
Home repair: I heard or read this somewhere…
Two items in toolbox: duct tape, WD40
Repair manual: 1. If it’s supposed to move, and doesn’t, spray with WD40 2. If it’s not supposed to move, and does, apply duct tape.
I’m getting off the computer and doing something today…as soon as I check all the required sites…addiction comes in many forms.
Well, we got another day.
PS…Stargazer…I like older women, and same-aged women, and younger women…can I blame social conditioning? I guess I need to check out the senior center…at my age, the field grows smaller every year…in the “older woman” category.