I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
JIM – LOL LOL LOL! As you slowly put your toes back into the waters, remember not to take the past with you 🙂 The 48 yr old with the magic that just isnt there… were those her words ? or are you waiting for her to do a magic trick for you? Or have you truly given the magic a chance to appear ? BTW – MAGIC/SMAGIC…. Have you asked her if she would like to go on a date ? IF this is too personal — simply say so. But I know how hard it is to figure these things out. Have a good day.
Good morning guys!
WOW, after I unplugged my computer (thunder storm over us) and went to bed early, you guys had a “party” last night until the wee hours of the morning! Missed some good conversation and some good wisdom from you all too!
Back a bit to the “doing everything for yourself” stuff about DAILY LIFE….many times I have felt overwhelmed with the number and complexity of the THINGS I had to do every day from different times in my life, as a young mother, as a working mother, as etc etc. and when I was alone with my two kids and literally living in the back of my pick up truck under a camper shell with them after the divorce—essentially “homeless” though actually I didn’t thinnk of it as that but that was the bottom line…even under those stresses I looked for others to share the load (in a positive way).
I managed to find a small, run down house and rented it, and used some of my skills to fix it up as part of the rent and the agreement with the land lord that I could live there for the same LOW rent until I got out of college in exchange for caring for it.
I started attending a nice church and also got involved in a support and grief group for divorced people that was a godsend (it wasn’t just a dating group although there were a few people in there that did date, it was a real support group and helped work through the grief process etc).
Through the college I met other “non traditional students” in my classes and we became friends and “help-meets” we formed a network of sorts, we helped each other study, and had study groups, I went iinto business of house cleaning with another girl from my group, I traded baby sitting services for a single father in exchange for him working on my car. Within the first year after my divorce I was a part of this “community” of friends and we bartered on an informal basis, networked for information etc. We were like a large extended family with most of the group having one to three young kids. My house became one of the centers of the group’s activities because I had 3 acres with the house and the kids could all run and play outside. I wrote and sold magazine articles to Mother Earth News as supplemental income, and used all of my grandparents’ depression era skills to keep my kids fed. In our college annual the seniors had a “casual” photograph in addition to the studio one, mine showed me milking a goat!
I still have friends that I am close to from this group of people helpiing each other. I guess one of my greatest talents is that I can NETWORK, though I do not hold a candle to the networking abilities of my late husband.
The “municipal isolation” of cities, of not knowing neighbors etc., does seem to make people, IMHO, totally isolated. I think that is why “internet dating” has become such a “success” (note that is in quotes!). There are positive ways and safe ways to “network” though, and barter clubs etc. to help with this sort of thing. Even doctors and dentists join these barter clubs, and you can trade your time and skills for skills that you don’t have. Some of these clubs are VERY organized with “coupons” etc. and they would work for some I am sure, but ours was very informal and no one “kept score” and fortunately we didn’t have anyone in the group that took advantage. We socialized as well which made my kids have a “family” of “cousins” and “aunts and Uncles”
The only “glitch” was once I gave a “after Thanksgiving” dinner (pot luck) on Friday after Thanksgiving and 25 people showed up with the SAME THING–pumpkin pies! So here I was with a donated turkey cooked, and 25 pumpkin pies! We took up a collection of pocket change from everyone (and boy, oh, boy, tha twas all any of us had!) bought a big bag of potatoes and that was our dinner, turkey, potatoes and gravy and PUMPKIN PIES!!!!
My living history group is a good source of “networking” with people who are willing to share their knowledge with you, and I have utilized that extensively. March 9-22 my sons will be house sitting for a couple who are friends from the living history group…in exchange, they are getting about $400+ worth of gun shell reloading equipment, PRICELESS LESSONS, and our friends are getting to go away to an extened living history event out of town without taking their house full of dogs or leaving their home unattended.
I sold these same friends a butchered beef, and part of my “pay” is in barter for things they have and don’t need and things I need and would rather not pay cash for.
With my college buddy/friend, he and I barter ALL the time for things I have and don’t need and things he has and doesn’t need. I also trade out knowledge and equipment with him on fixing things. I have a mechanic that works for meat of which I have a surplus and he needs and wants. I just bartered with my college buddy for some corral panels to build a “round pen” for training my donks in (he had sold his horses) and I “bought” it for meat he does need.
I just bought two dairy goats (can’t just have one, they are too social) and will be more milk than I need for our family, and just about enough for two families, so I will barter my excess milk for his family.
The young cowboy who is the hired hand for my pasture renters (that is also a barter deal that is wonderful) who came over here to work as part of his employer’s “rent” has joined our “network” and due to a divorce from a P recently (final papers signed last week) is in terrible financial problems, so I am helping him learn to manage his finances in exchange for him helping my sons out around here, and for him trimming the donkey’s feet….so my “barter network” expands and expands. There will be people come and go of course and some that try to be in it without carrying their weight, but I have LEARNED HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES BETTER NOW and so they will not be a problem, or even be around long enough to be a problem….
Forming a NETWORK is not all that difficult, it is really just forming FRIENDSHIPS.
My sons and I live VERY WELL on very little cash income because of our bartering and friendship network. Years ago before my husband died there were so many people (mostly young men interested in aviation etc) who wanted to be part of our lives and hung around all the time (and ate here) that I had to set some limits on how long people could stay and make it known that if you came here and ate you had to “earn your keep” so before and after meals they got out and worked with the hired hands or in the aircraft hangar.
Really, out of all those people only three or four people ever came here as “mooches” and I took care of those pretty quickly by setting boundaries, and actually banning one young man from ever coming back because he took something that wasn’t his. It was a $4 pack of cigarettes, and he just couldnt understand why he would get banned for stealing a pack of cigarettes, my husband told him that “You are a THIEF, it doesn’t matter if it was $4 or $40K, you are a thief, we don’t want you here.” This young man is an N as well as a thief, and I have had to repeatedly ban him because he keeps coming back thinking I have forgotten I guess. LOL They never quit do they? LOL
Get out there and network! It makes life so much better as far as doing the things you do and more fun too. When I was a married mother of 2 toddlers, a friend and I used to go to her house and clean, then come to my house and clean, it made it a lot of fun instead of drudgery! Put your thinking caps on and get out and NETWORK!!!
hey guys just trying to catch up on some posts. Wow did i sleep well last night almost 12 hours. The duct tape brought back memories of a time when i went to the local women’s shelter for some councilling and the lady said ” you need to put some duct tape around your heart” where that guy is concerned. Anyway i know she didn’t mean it literally but thought i’d give you guys another great use for duct tape. Thinking of going out tonight with a gf as i’ve been so out of the social scene since the trauma Program(2months ) and being off of work but the only hitch is the one and only half decent place in my town , the s holds the mortgage on it and there is a good possibility i’d see him but then again im wondering if it might be good therapy . Walk by like he doesn’t exist anymore. You guys can give me an academy award and not that dam skillet. hah
DEar Kindheart,
Duct tape is like “The Force” there is a light side and a dark side and it HOLDS THE UNIVERSE TOGETHER.
Before duct tape, on the farm we used to use “baling wire” for repairs! Now the baling wire is plastic string, and we still use it for purposes you wouldn’t believe! You can’t break that crap and of course there is always an excess of it we have to dispose of, but I never throw it ALL away! 1001 uses!
ps. I’ll only “boink” you with the skillet if you go where you know you might see him and then come home and cry your eyes out! LOL Have a good time. Our weather turned so crappy and cold and rainy that our weekend trail ride is off! Tomorrow will be cold and clear, then M-F it will be great weather! Oh, well!
Wow Ox, im amazed at how you managed to overcome your adversities, You sound like one amazing woman. And yes i think you need to have lots of wellmeaning people in your life. Mine happen to be mostly in AA but your story is certainly inspiring. I worry alot about finances myself as im barely living above poverty and that’s with support from my ex but it’s very economic friendly where i live so that helps alot. You have perservered and that is something that you should be very proud of. You are a rich person because you have true friends all because you know how to give and take when needed. Something the s know nothing about. They would never survive on their own. Mine lives off his mommie and the only reason he’s holding the mortgae on this bar is because a longtime fr needed the cash to employ his ueless son. He’s tried to get into business with numberous people in this town and nobody wants any part of him. He prob thinks he’s the cat’s ass just because he’s holding the mortgage. Part that drives me nuts is he was so deliberately cheap with me (not a card, floweres, nice dinner (not counting fast food) in 6 years but he can come up with the dough for this male friend of his. He used the withholding method(if i give you what you want , you wn’t come back and even said those exact words) and the worst part is it did make me feel less than.
learnEDthe lesson-such personal questions…well, not really. Short version. Met a few times in group settings/get-togethers. exchanged emails. met for drinks-nobody gets drunk, met for dinner, met for lunch. asked her out..date…said she just wants “friends” thing..and “senses” I might want more…asked her to go on “friend” trip to art museum..not her “thing” (that’s ok) I was going anyway.
Don’t want to go into detail…but..after drinks and dinner…she called me (car wouldn’t start) for help I said ok…but we have a problem…you’ll have to push your car a few blocks or tell me where you live…she said you don’t know? I said no, you haven’t told me and I don’t “stalk” people. She told me, we took care of the car…only time I’ve ever been to her house, didn’t go inside. Haven’t been on her street since. She came by my place next day so I could help her take back her daughters car and get hers.
This has been on and off…invitation/pull away for about 8-9 months.
A few weeks ago, in the course of regular exchanges…she sends me some poems…very good…she’s written. Talked about loneliness, etc. I worry about her, offer to talk…spend time, be friend…(saddling up the white charger, strap on the armor, knock the rust off the sword…ready to slay the dragon)…response via email “Thanks for the kind words..those were written a few weeks ago…I’m fine now…”
Ok…back to regular emails for a week or so…she stops by on street while I’m putting down my top about 2 weeks ago…nice chat.
Now…about a week…nothing. no response to my last email…used to get 2-3 forwards a day…
Well, this is getting long…still hasn’t shared her “life story”. From her… Know she was married for 19 years, husband cheated on her with her sister…been divorced 4 years (I checked courthouse computer on regular weekly trip-true). I get the feeling there was an “S” sometimes since.
Bottom line…she hasn’t violated any of your 4 “biggies” listed.
We just never seem to “connect”.
I told her I have boundaries and will respect hers…as a friend. I don’t call her phone, go to her house, drive on her street. Since I’ve read De Becker’s Gift of Fear, I guess even looking at the courthouse computer was “borderline stalking”-no criminal record.
Well, they’re you have it…weird
Well, I’m fairly normal, but fashion-challenged and must lack social skills….I guess you can tell maybe I’m not exactly “love-bombing” her like a P?
Nobody else has heard this story.
“Magic” words are mine…not hers
Thanks, Abby (or Ann Landers)
I was thinking about the age thing. My one gf who is going out with me tonigth fancies younger guys(she’48 like me) and i’ve been more into my own age or older. The thing is i;ve had lots of younger men interested but they scare me , im probably just intimidated. Funniest thing when i ws in the Trauma program this 19 year old in for addiction , met him at the gym and instantly liked him as he reminded me of my youngest son, very full of piss and vinegar. He liked to call me Barbie, but i diddn’t realize he was being serious i said you remind me of my kid. Flattering when i found out but scared the hell out of me as well. I don’t think age really matters only if it bother sthe person. I have had the thought lately though that maybe i’ve been going about it the wrong way and maybe the younger guys would treat me better but as i said i would somehow feel a little perverted , think im too old fashioned. Ji m, i have the nicest neighbour your age and she just dumped her man due to drinking so there are some pretty nice women out there it’s just hard to find them as they aren’t in the bars (no offence to bars , i’ve certainly spent some time in them). As my physiciatrist has said if you go to bars you find drinkers, if you go to a pottery clas , you find craft people but it is very hard to know where the hell to go to meet decent people. I’m resigned to the fact that i am not likely to find what i need in this town so im just going tout to have some fun and forget worrying about finding someone.
Jim , i find that i don’t like to be pounced on at all. It’s just my nature and i think you are going about it the right way. It’s hard to say because everyone is so different but i wouldn’t recommend coming on too strong. If i in any way suspect a guy is just looking to get into my pants, he’s gone and there have been lots. I have a ten year younger male friend i’ve been hanging with and going to dinner etc. and talking on msn but i thnk of him more like a brother as im not attracted to him and he knows all the sordid details and i also have two close male fr from program one is 56 and the other is mid 60’s and i don’t know what i’d do without them as they have been so helpful over the last few years. Both recommended the trauma program and are like big brothers of sorts so even if you just become friends with this lady it would be nice. Just keep some contact as maybe she’s been burned like me and is scared. I wouldn’t trade my male friends for anything , why would i want to they have been my greatest suppport system
kindheart48-thanks. I’ve already told her “friends” is ok-she’s well worth knowing as a friend, if that’s all there is…her decision. Well, I do think about her, more than I should…I care about her. Definitely don’t want her hurt (as I think she has been) by anyone. But same old thing…I don’t have any control over that.
So I’ve pastured the white charger, stowed the armor, put away the sword…and I’m still here, still standing. If she needs me and asks, she knows where I live, and I’m listed in the phone book. She has called me on my cell…and she’s in the contact list on mine.
I know she’s ok…I’ve seen her out driving…small town. Saw her car at a restaurant a few days ago lunchtime ..on my way to the grocery…no, I didn’t stop and go in to find her…went to the store…went home. Just glad she’s out and about…living life.
jim , my shrink has told me that the kind of guy im looking for is at home,probably with his kids puttering around with some hobby so it’s vertually impossible to meet and she also said i will have to spend a lot of lonely nights something of which i did not want to hear but know is the truth. I am thinking of going out tonight but am worried about running into the s as in the past i thought i’d plow right through it (force the ignoring)only to get hurt again but i am a bit stronger and i can’t hide in my house forever. I too am in too small of a town but i can’t stay home all the time. I will keep you guys posted as i’m hoping for an academy award if i do run into him , ignore, ignore, ignore, don’t know ya. buddy. Why would i know a piece of garbage like you. Then he will turn it around and i will be a snob but who cares at this point, kindness got me nowhere with the jerk.