I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Jim, it sounds to me like your “friend” is so devastated by what happened to her (and who would NOT be) that she is having some trust issues. Maybe not just trusting YOU but trusting in herself.
I lost my trust in myself more than I lost trust in others I think. Maybe you could refer her to LF. I have referred so many people, and some who come here to read but never post. My son C is a reader and not a poster. He has learned a GREAT DEAL and from our conversations I know he has read here.
It sounds like your “friend” needs to continue to heal, not just retreat from life and from her “fears” into isolation. Isolation from injury is a natural part of the healing process along with the depression I think, and we CAN get stuck there. My son D and I were stuck isolated for almost a year after my husband’s death—then I started dating the P and un-isolated, but after kicking him to the curb, I isolated again, then when I came out of my shell, got the whammy from my family, and back to isolation again. Now, this last year am back out UNISOLATED again, but not FEARFUL this time, learning to set boundaries so the anxiety of being “whammied” again isn’t so bad. Still CAUTIOUS and defensive some (stay armed) but not living in TERROR. It sounds to me like your “friend” is still living in isolated terror and though she may poke a toe out the door every once in a while, she jerks it back inside quickly when anyone approaches.
I don’t think your checking her out on the computer is a stalking or bad thing, believe me if I were to even CONSIDER dating someone I would have them checked out by a PI before becoming involved.
The friendship I had with a guy a while back that was close but no romantic thing going at all, but I was becoming interested in the romantic part, but after knowing him “well” for six months I found out he still had some ISSUES that were big time DEAL BREAKERS (anger management problems) He had been married for 19 or 20 yrs to a P or BPD and none of his issues had been resolved, he had just pushed them down in to one big nasty mess of unresolved anger and it would periodically explode when a trigger happened. I never did figure out what the trigger was but I don’t care, it was there, it didn’t make any sense to me, and I was OUTTA THERE immediately. No looking back.
Kindheart, my male friends (some from childhood) are very important to me and like you said, they are like “brothers” and I can tell them anything if I feel so inclined and not worry about being judged. Only one of them is married and I am careful not to let the relationship appear anything other than what it is (he has a very rocky marriage that is as much his problem as hers, but I don’t’ want to get involved in that and make more problems for him or me) so I do go places with the unmarried men friends and wouldn’t have a problem spending the night with any of them in a motel on an over night trip because our relationship is COMPLETELY “friends” (without benefits).
Hi, All:
Well, I could use some advice because my S paranoia is kicking in.
Last night I went on a date — nice guy, very successful. Anyhow, he notices a custom piece I’m wearing and asks me who made it. I give him the name of the design house.
He then tells me that this design house executes part of his product line. I immediately get nervous because S works there — at a very low level, but the design house is fairly small.
Anyhow, my date says that if he had known me when I had the piece done he could have gotten me a good price. All I say is I was very happy with the price I got.
He then asks who brought me in as a client to the design house. Since I didn’t want to say “S did” all I said is “it’s a long story.”
At the end of the date he says that he has a meeting with the owner of the design house on Monday and will be sure to mention me. I make some wisecrack about “I’m sure I’m persona non grata there.”
So, now I’m paranoid.
The logical part of me says that my date only deals with the owner of the design house. Even though the owner of the design house knows my history with S, he isn’t about to bad mouth me to another client. Then there’s the part of me that thinks S will somehow get into this mix and my name is mud before I even get out of the starting gates.
Anyhow, any thoughts anybody has will be most appreciated.
kindheart48-by the way, when I had to make some important decisions about dealing with my daughter, the x, and her boyfriend, about two years ago, my therapist advised…”sometimes if you don’t know what to do…and it’s not something that HAS to be done…sometimes it’s best to do nothing…wait and see.”
Good advice at the time, in retrospect.
Oxy-thanks. Actually, I mentioned Lovefraud, the first time we met for drinks, in the parking lot leaving, when I sensed her pain..tears and comment on her marriage ending and “I thought I’d found the love of my life”-not sure if that was the ex-husband.
At the time of the poems, I emailed her a copy of “The Awakening” someone posted here last September. I said it was something I keep in my computer and read every few days. I wrote it came from someone on the Lovefraud.com blog.
If she comes here, and it is a good place for her, I hope she forgives me for talking about her, if she recognizes who I am.
If she doesn’t forgive me, but it helps her, it’s worth it.
I’ve been an idiot before, and probably will be again. I’ve learned to forgive myself.
Matt, if the ex does do the smear campaign and badmouth you and this person decides to beleive it, you don’t want them anyway. Think about how many times you gave the s the benefit of the doubt and if this person can’t just once then you don’t want them. I know that paranoic feeling too as i recieved a letter recently on my car door fr some married guy who can’t get me out of his mind for 6 yrs etc. not even sure of my name but knows wehre i live and would i consider meeting him etc. Long story short, i didn’t go and i had thought there was a poss the s was behind it but now i don’t. I think we have to be on guard at all times but we have no control over what they say or do. That bothers me alot at times as i remember when i first met him i was so out of my mind with my divorce pending and drinking excessively and all the horrible things he called his ex at the time referring to her as the c—, and i can’t beleive i let that all go over my head as nobody deserves to be called that but i was as i said for lack of better work cookoo. Mine makes up the most insidious crap about people but he is a little afraid as i have some pretty heavy friends that he is scared to death of but that still won’t stop him. Im waiting for the day that something gets back to me and i know it will hurt but it’s to be expected as that is their MO. If something gets said, just say in a general way as you already have that it was a bad experience and leave it at that.
Did i mention that my s drives around with a bat, pepper spray, and a knife in his truck at all times and i didn’t even put two and two together over that even. Imagine knowing that people are out to get you and the fear he lives in and it still doesn’t stop him from hurting people.
Jim , thanks for mentioning the “Awakening” as i remember reading that and thinking wow.
Jim – Guilty as charged with The Abby comment. In my circle of GF’s, I am known as Dear Abby! Sometimes on their on accord and sometime on my own free-will. But I ALWAYS ALWAYS preface it with if this is too personal, please tell me, as sometimes I just say what comes to mind. (Sometimes a good thing, sometimes still learning that IN THE LONG RUN saying nothing at all truly is best). Wisdom comes with age – Im ING ING ING!!!!
Thank you for sharing your experience and how your journey is going. It seems as though the friendship is there and because of circumstances or hesitation or still healing or a lack of mututal interest you havent been able to connect.
Time surely will tell. If you ever feel comfortable addressing her comment about her “sensing” you might want more – and you actually do – maybe the opportunity will present itself for you to be clear about that. And totally honest about it with her and for yourself. If you can see yourself, (should she ever want to pursue a relationship connection) pursuing further would be something you would not be opposed to. And if she shares that she doesnt have that interest then thats that.
You are very aware and sensitive to her situation. NOT love-bombing her at this stage is VERY WISE. 🙂
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I ask, just to encourage my friends to share and express. And sometimes I even learn something from the exchange, such as now going to search for a copy of “The Awakening” from last Septembers Blogs!
Running out.
Dear Matt,
Since you asked for advice…I just say that you should be honest and up front with the new guy and tell him that an X of yours, name names, works there and that you two did NOT have a good relationship and I might even tell him that the X “borrowed” money and refuses to pay it back. Let it go at that. That is HONEST as far as it goes, and yet tells him WHY you are “personna non grata” with the X.
People CAN understand taht folks who borrow money and don’t pay it back start to “hate you.” Wasn’t it Abraham Lincoln who said “I don’t know why that man dislikes me, HE NEVER DID ANYTHING BAD TO ME.”
People who screw us, always manage to get mad at US if we protest the screwing. Most people I think can “get it” that when people owe us money they get mad at us for demanding it back. LOL
The student pilot/friend who was responsible for the accident that killed my husband owed me $4500 at the time of my husband’s death. I asked him for the money (he had no problem coming up with it, he was quite WELL off) but he asked me “WHY do you want it?” Like I was asking him for a LOAN instead of a payment he owed me! LOL
Then he paid me part of it, later he gave me a check for the rest but the check was POST DATED. I refused to accept the post dated check from the hand of the man who was buying his other aircraft, and made the other man give me cash before I would let the plane go. My mechanic’s lien would have been void if I had let the plane go before I got my money. I actually think that the man had intentions of stopping payment on the check after the plane was gone.
In any case, I knew my rights and refused to let the man remove the plane from my property until I had ALL my money in CASH. He ended up telephone wiring money from his bank in NY to my bank in AR and as soon as the bank called me and told me the money was in my account, I let the plane go. I have not seen or talked to the “Friend” since that date and he has never called me or even tried to “explain.” My son D was engaged to his step daughter too, until shortly before that episode we discovered that her mother (the “friend’s” wife) was a P (she was having multiple affairs with the dregs of the earth AND trying to get my son’s GF, her daughter, involved in a 3-way) anyway, son D broke off the engagement as well. I actually had informed the husband of what was going on, and he confronted his wife’s lovers, but he still stayed with her after finding out the truth of the situation.
So many stories of abuse/victimhood/dysfunction etc. that I am sure we all could come up with 1000 stories each, each one worse than the others, from our personal acquaintences.
Realizing that we don’t want to live like that and refuse to live like that, I think, puts us in the “top 2%” of people as far as “functional” thinking is concerned.
“The examined life….” as it were. Many people I know do NOT examine their lives, what they do, or how or why they do things, they just RE-act rather than act. I have thought I was ACTING when I was actually RE-acting, and not really examining my life, but now I think I am more sure that I AM acting, rather than re-acting, and that I AM truly examining my own life, AND MAKING CHANGES. Beneficial changes.
Sometimes people, like animals, will have an event happen to them, and they don’t really know WHAT hit them. So they react in fear, terror and avoid all situations that they think are similar. The woman Jim was talking about seems to be this kind of person.
She loved. She got hurt. What hurt her? A MAN. Therefore all men are untrustworthy. She is afraid to love again because the last time she loved, she got hurt.
She is WRONG about WHAT hurt her.
She loved. She got hurt. What hurt her? A PSYCHOPATH. Therefore, all PSYCHOPATHS are untrustworthy, NOT “all men.”
Her “logic” is FLAWED because she GENERALIZED TOO MUCH.
In training animals you have to make sure that the animal associates the BEHAVIOR to the punishment, not to you, or the animal becomes afraid of YOU, which is NOT what you want to happen.
The animal has to know “every time I DO X, I get punished” and “every time I do Y, I get rewarded” if they don’t see a PATTERN and they just get the idea that YOU are either rewarding or punishing them RANDOMLY they become anxious and fearful and you cannot train them. If you can associate the punishment with the behavior, the quickly get the idea that THEY PUNISHED THEMSELVES WHEN THEY DID X.
So, first, you have to be smarter than the animal you are trying to train, and you must also know the psychology of the animal and how to get the behavior you want.
I no longer tolerate malice in ANY animal that is bigger than me (and not much in animals smaller than me) and as soon as I detect malice it is a “permanent bye-bye” because it just isn’t worth it to RISK getting hurt to try to get malicious behavior corrected. During the depression my grandfather would buy malicious mules because they were CHEAP yet strong, and so he would find a way around the malicious behavior, but keeping in mind that they were like Ps and would seek every chance in the world to hurt him. It was a case of he had to do what he had to do, but when he got into a position to afford GOOD TEMPERED STOCK he did so. He was sort of a horse-mule-whisperer too and could correct some defects because he knew how someone not as smart as the mule or horse had “trained” them to balk (refuse to pull) by overloading them and then whipping them for not being ABLE to pull. The animals would finally just give up even trying to pull a load that they THOUGHT was too heavy and would not pull any load. They had decided that no matter what they did or how hard they tried, they were still going to get a whipping from humans.
I have seen children and other people “trained” the same way, in fact, I was trained to just “lie down and take my whipping” but NO MORE. I tried and tried to please, just like the horse trying to pull a load that was too heavy, and when I failed to please because there was NO PLEASING THE Ps, I got my whipping.
Now, though, I KNOW what caused the whipping, I was being expected to do something no one could do, I couldn’t pull that “load” and I do not intend to try to pull it, but I will no longer BALK, I will be my own master, and determine the weight of the load I will pull. MY OWN LOAD.
I’ll tell you a funny and true story about a mule. A man bought a mule that was healthy and strong at a horse and mule sale. He overheard two Amish guys talking about the mule he bought and that the mule was not only a balker, but it would lie down when you put it to a load, so they felt that they had “pulled a fast one” by selling it for a good price. (that is “fair” in a horse trade, you can’t lie, but you don’t have to VOLUNTEER any information if the person buying doesn’t ASK)
Anyway, the man tookk the mule home, harnessed it and hooked it up to a log to pull, and sure enough, the mule laid down and just lay there, refusing to pull or get up.
So the new owner, knowing mules, took ropes and tied the mule’s feet together, then walked off and left him there, tied up where he COULD NOT GET UP. He left him there all night. When he went back in the morning, he untied the mule’s feet and the mule got up AND NEVER AGAIN BALKED OR LAY DOWN ON THE JOB, because the mule correctly associated the lying down with being unable to get up later and he didn’t like that consequence. Always before, his owners had walked off and when they were gone he got up—rewarded for his bad behavior by not having to pull the load.
You have to be smarter than the animal you are trying to train, whether it is two legged or four legged! LOL
Guys , im kind of excited about getting out tongiht but am ambivalent as ther is a strong possibility i will see the s which is pretty unavoidable in this small town. I want to walk by like he doesn’t exist i truly do and enjoy myself but it’s so hard but the last time i walked out of a bar he (outside smoking i don’t smoke) i ws gettting into my cute little convertible and he commented “nice jeans Shelly as i had some new skinny jeans on” and i commented Yes i know they are ” which was completely out of character for me like i didn’t need his approval. I felt quite vindicated getting into my car and drove home and got on computer and the phone rings and he caught me by surprise. Did i want a hot chocolate etc. andhe wanted to be friends and like an idiot i let him come over and he got me again. Then im thinking you fool he doesn’t even know you don’t drink hot chocolate. I was feeling so good walking away and he must have sensed it and then i fell for the little bit of niceness. Don’t want to repeat that scene again.