I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Oh and the real kicker was he even admitted he couldn’t even see my jeans so that was a line too.
kindheart48:
I thought your response to him regarding the jeans was great.
Since this bar is about the only game in town for you, are you going with friends? I’ve found when I got to a place where S may be lurking, the friends help run interference so S can’t get close enough to do any damage. He has to get through my friends just to invade my physical space.
As for after you leave, have friends walk you to the car so you don’t have any one-on-one interactions with your S. And then when you get home, don’t pick up the phone. Caller id or no caller id, I let the machine pick up and screen the callers through that. Too easy for them to use somebody else’s phone.
Ditto the mobile. I don’t answer “unknown” numbers. And if I don’t recognize the number, I let it roll to voicemail.
This is all about protecting yourself under difficult circumstances.
AFter all, none of us want “coyote love”. You know what that is — where you wake up the next morning and the person you dragged home is asleep on your arm, and all you want to do is gnaw your arm off so you can make your escape.
Matt, funny the coyote thing, my youngest son said he saw the s one time at a local bar and he said he ran like a coyote from him. You know the s couldn’t even perform and i stayed loyal to that for 6 yrs. which blows my mind. If you saw him and you saw me you’d think “What the hell is she doing with him” as i get that all the time, and the truth is i felt pity for the poor bastard but nothing i did , he appreciated. I remember once he commented about me in front of me to a friends saying ” her morals are too good” like how the hell could that be. I sacrificed so much thinking one day he will realize it and all my loyalty was totally misplaced but it is common with Trauma Bonds. What a waste. He might as well have been in a wheelchair and i would have been loyal. I can’t wait and neither can my male and female friends for the day when i have a great guy and he sees it , he knows me too well to know i won’t settle for someone just to not be alone. I am and this is not exageration the COMPLETE opposite of this jerk. It is very baffling even to me.
kindheart48:
I was talking to my therapist recently about all the warning signs I ignored. Among them was the death of our sex life.
What makes that all the more infuriating is that while I was sex-starved and faithful, that fat fucker (he had let his looks go and yes, he deserves that comment) was out there turning tricks by picking up toothless old codgers in bars. Which he denies to this day — like my friends who saw him would have anything to gain by making that up.
Now, I get from friends, over and over again “what the hell were you doing with him? you could do so much better.” And I ask myself the same question.
Instead, I tolerated all the abuse, and kept making excuses for the poor bastard. And he didn’t appreciate one iota of what I did.
Like you, I’m not willing to settle just to avoid being alone. Friends of mine keep telling me that my ex is probably waking up about now (4 months after I threw him out) and realizing he blew a good thing. Personally, I’m not so sure. But, whatever he thinks doesn’t really register one way or another.
All I can say is, if I’ve learned nothing else regarding relationships, is when the sex life goes or your partner is using sex as a weapon, like mine did and withholding it, and I can’t get a realistic answer from my other half on what is going on, I am walking out the door and not looking back.
kindheart – Have a wonderful and FUN time tonight. Please make sure you are ready to put yourself in that position, you sure sound like you are, but further, put yourself in the “aftermath” – of the potential run-in. If you have any hesitation at all – is there another town close by that you can check out the scene?? Or a second favorite stomping ground? Im sorry but I have to bring it up, because I didnt fair so well after my run-in. I thought I was ready for it, but had I given real solid thought prior to going, I probably would have said, nope—- too early to do this. I should go somewhere else to have a good time.
As long as you are ready, or believe you really are in that place, then it really will never matter where you run into him. You just wont care.
Whatever you do, whereever you go — JUST HAVE A GREAT NIGHT OUT ENJOYING YOURSELF!!!!
Matt, my s sounds so much like yours. He likes to pick up vulnerable women , some bottom of the barrel(feel bad saying that) but its’ all about control and attention. Im not bragging as i’ve let this go on for too long to get cocky(pardon the pun) but i am light years out of his league. I f you saw what my ex husband looks like (very goo d looking banker and not at all vain) and this guy next to each other you would think i seriously lost my mind. I still for the life of me can’t quite see him the way i should. I remember many times him commenting ” you could have any guy you want ” type of thing and i think that prob made him feel all the more powerful. I was raised to find good in people and not to judge and i think i took it to the extreme in this case and i know i’ve told my friends maybe God can’t let me see him for what he really is or i would not be able to handle it. I think i overlooked the tatooes, gold tooth, skrawny body, everything becasue i thought there was somethng redeemable in him but it was just magical thinking but i wish i had a pic to show you guys, you would not beleive it. He now has a gf (with many on the side) who for lack of better words looks like a masculine piece of trash (she could be nice) but he can’t tell the difference even though he thinks he’s the expert on everything. I rem this really cute dress i bought last summer at Guess, adorable polka dot very sexy and classy (in fact 2 girls i roomed with knew what dress it was in trauma program) that’s how nice it was. and he said no it’s not a 10 Shelly maybe an 8. Yes , i didn’t dress sleasy enough that was the problem. My ex husb like everything i wore, except an old pair of longjohns he threw out once and i retreived. The sad part is i didn’t buy any of the lingerie for my ex that i did for this bozoo. One time years ago i rem going to his house in black garter and cute bra with diamon thing in it and even a fur coat. He couldn’t do it and i was like i felt sorrier for him as at least i could find someone else but it stil did a number on me. i was great friends with a guy at the time who owned two strip clubs over the years and it made him sick that he treated me this way. I had implants years ago after my ex husband as i got so dam thin and i was more concerned with being too big so i went as the doc said very modest and really left it up to him even thought he nurses wer you need to go at least a c. This asshole one night said “if you were going to do it why didn’t you do it” and that did such a number on me i can’t tell you guys for years . i tried to do something to feel better and i didn that wrong too. Than k God i didn’t know him when i had it done or i would for sure look like Pamela Anderson as im very small. I tried to defend myself with comment and said you could be very damaging and i rem him huggin g me with this grin and i told him that i was with a guy who thought i looked great before the implants and did yhe know more than the doctor and my friend who had seen tons of boobs(strip club owner) and he said it’s too bad all those guys are lying to you like that shit. At one time i almost went back and had them made bigger becasue of that one comment. The damage was already done and he knew it. I told him my fr thought i looked good and it was au naturel. Then i had to explain to the moron what that meant. Imbicile is not good enough , boy am i on a roll.
Learnthelesson, thanks for the wishes. yes i am a little worried but i will leave as i’ve talked to a gf about this if i feel at all uncomfortable and i am going to try and look smashing, have a cute new top to try out but hope i don’t freeze in it. I am going to pretend that they used some new technique at the hosp where i went through the Trauma program, one whre you know longer have any recollection of the P. There was a rumour going around a couple weekends ago that he died(prob started by him) and i had a couple of calls over it and that irkes me too as he’s obv moved on to this new woman so why the hell am i dealing with the calls from daugher, motherin law, call her. I know why, as a friend said yest, it’s becasue you listen and it’s true, no more. Call someone else , don’t care who, just not me. IGNORE, IGNORE , IGNORE , RIGHT. Not something i practice in my life enough. love you guys and thanks for support. i have a male fr who didn’t think it was good all the researching etc. but he’s changed his tune where you guys are concerned and thinks it’s healthy. kudoos to all of you
kindheart48:
“i know i’ve told my friends maybe God can’t let me see him for what he really is or i would not be able to handle it. I think i overlooked the tatooes, gold tooth, skrawny body, everything becasue i thought there was somethng redeemable in him but it was just magical thinking…”
Same church, different pew.
I kept thinking there was something redeemable about my S. At the end I finally realized that he was and will always be a sociopathic, drug-abusing, ex-con.
If I showed you a photo of S and I together you would have sufficient grounds to march into court and get me declared incompetent. Seriously, you would think I had lost my mind.
Mine really was a piece of trash — and I mean that in the finest sense of the word. The last night I let him into my place, he had been locked out of the flophouse he called home.
I agreed he could crash at my place one night. He dragged in bedbugs with him. I went through a nightmare getting rid of them.
No matter what I did, no matter what I wore, it was never good enough. Instead all I got was more and more abuse. I now cringe at the memory of the extremes I was willing to go to please that piece of crap. The emotional tapdance we let these morons do on us is truly amazing.
I don’t know if it was God showing me what S was in the end or my long dormant survival instinct kicking in. Whatever it was, I am so glad I am the hell away from S.
Wow, too many posts to comment on! Backing up a bit to Rune’s comment about snakes to opn, I just wanted to say that snakes represent death and rebirth–you know the shedding of the skin and all. So if any of you are dreaming about snakes, this could be one archetypal meaning. Right around the time I got my first snake, I had a dream that I founded an institute called the Death Rebirth Institute. It was a place where people could go and totally be themselves, no matter what that involved, a place where they could shed the layers of their personalities to by totally authentic.
That, and snakes are totally adorable.
kindheart48:
Also wanted to wish you a good time tonight.
As pour moi, I’ve decided to put the job search on hold for the evening. Instead I”m taking the elevator down 4 floors to go have dinner with my best friend from the first day of college.
It’s funny how we eneded up living in the same co-op. I always remember her mom, when she was dying telling us “I always knew you two would end up living in the same dorm again.”