I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Stargazer:
Next time I go to Puerto Vallarta I’m taking you with me.
Yes, Star, you and I will have a great time there — soaking up the rays, signaling Juan the cabana boy for any drink with an umbrella in it.
Then we’ll go to that remote part of PV and take that walk through the jungle. And when we encounter that 20 foot boa constrictor I encountered last time, I know that you will be in snake heaven.
And hopefully you will then administer CPR to me.
Thanks, Matt-just the laugh I needed at just the right time! TOWANDO!
Oh pullease take me with you to Puerta Vallarta!!!!! Would you believe I went there once and hiked through the jungle. Ya think I’d see even ONE snake? NO! Not even one. I saw some 6″ insects that looked like ET’s little brother, but no snakes. Oh why couldn’t I have seen a 20-foot boa? I would be in heaven! Though boas don’t really get that big; you must have seen a python.
Stargazer:
A python. How reassuring.
I guess that explains the fangs he had.
When I went to the jungle part of the island I stayed at this place called “Paco’s Paradise.” I suspect you would be in heaven. That’s where I encountered the python in the jungle.
My first coronary.
That night my then bf encountered a scorpion in the shower.
That night we slept in our room with something like 20 flashlights we borrowed. Every sound I heard I knew was a snake making its way up the wall. Every sound he heard he knew was a scorpion.
And then the next morning I was having my coffee under one of the palm frond umbrellas and I saw something drifting down toward my head from the inside of the umbrella. It was another big ol’ snake which had crawled up there.
My second second coronary.
But, as long as you know CPR, I’m willing to give Paco’s another try.
stargazer:
Of course we’ll have to clear any travel plans with keeping_faith, since she’s already set her cap for me.
Then again, we can make this work. She comes to Greece with me. You go to PV with me.
Either way, I know I’ll have a good time.
hye guys, just getting ready to head out. Have new guess jeans on and a cute sexy top but i’m feeling kind of old probably because of where im going. I’ve never really been a bar or club person even when i drank. Wearing nice black boots too i just wish i felt better. Trying to get myself physced up. Trying to grow my hair long and it looks like crap , in that inbetween stag and im not sure at my age i should be growing it long anyway. Wish me luck guys and i will keep you posted.
Kind.. Good luck girl! Im jealous 🙂 Here in my sweats and Phillies shirt, relegated to a corner of the kitchen waiting for my neighbor to come over and pick out paint colors! My eldest has her co-ed friends over watching a movie in den, my middle has all her Jonas Bros groupies upstairs dancing in her room and my son is in basement playing the Wii with a friend! Woo hoo!!! Party at my place 🙂 Just glad to be up and about and opening my doors again to life! St. Patricks day will be my night out 🙂 Stay strong and strut your TOWANDA stuff tonight !!!! Enjoy
Well, it’s Saturday night in very cold Toronto God, I am so sick of winter. I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks but have been reading. I’m 3.5 months NC and 5 months sober. For those who hadn’t read my initial post, I had found my drinking increasing during the relationship. We didn’t live together, thank heavens, and I found that alcohol was the way I covered my pain when I was home alone. I finally decided I needed to find another way to cope, and hiked my butt off to AA. One and a half months later I somehow found the courage to kick the S’s butt to the curb. He made some attempts to re-engage, but when I didn’t bite, I think he has gone off to the woodwork. I do know he’s back online looking for the next victim. That’s where I met him. Believe me, no more internet dating for me. It’s just too hard to know what’s real and what isn’t.
The last few days I have been feeling like total shit..depressed, crying, lifeless. I’m just going through the motions of life. Still working, still exercising, still praying, going to meetings etc.
My girlfriends tell me I should be over it by now. My sponsor tells me I’ll feel better when I do my fourth step and admit that it was my selfish, self-centered side that kept me in the relationship for two years.
I just want all of this to end. I want my pathetic longing for him to stop. I want to stop obsessing. I want him to pay. I know that I have to learn to forgive to move on. How do I let go when there is no emotional closure. There was no “discussion”, no relationship review, nothing. He just gets to go on to the next one and live his merry little life scott free. I am SOOOOOO sad.
Sunshine – These beings are never living their life scott free – their life is filled with BS! Shoveling it from one to the next…always looking over their shoulder and concocting their next dumb move…it just appears as tho they are happy – but trust me – they dont know true happiness!
Good for you …5 months sober. And dealing with a double whammy of findng courage to do AA and kick AH to the curb around the same time.
Sometimes we have to make our own closure. My S wouldnt give me closure, in fact he made it his mission not to. Its very sad, seems so surreal to be with someone so long and then just like that its over. But there are all kinds of people in this world and so many experiences to be had… good and bad…happy…sad… Glad you are hear, it helps, it just helps to know you are not alone, you do NOT have to go it alone and each day we face our hurting/healing together.
Matt, I’m all over that trip to Mexico. I will cuddle all the snakes so you don’t have to. The scorpions probably won’t bother me too much. But if I see a giant spider, you will need a defibrillator to revive me! You saw the snake’s fangs? May have been some kind of tree boa. But I didn’t think those got that big. You even got a snake in your room? Of ALL the luck!!!
Kindheart, I know you are out having fun. I forgot to mention to you that I ran into my S three weeks after we split at a reptile show. I knew he would be there and prepared myself. I completely ignored him and had a good time. It CAN be done, once you set your mind to it.
Dear Sunshine: I don’t know your story, but getting involved with a sociopath is like surviving a tornado/train wreck, only in an emotional sense. It is a major trauma and will take some time to heal from. I don’t know about these people telling you you were selfish. I suspect they don’t really understand the depth of trauma you have been through. Most of us have found that we can’t talk about this with our friends who have not experienced it. You can talk about it here all you want. We get it. If your friends’ and sponsor’s reactions are making you feel worse, I wouldn’t discuss it with them. You should be getting support for what you are going through, not more trauma. Please be very kind to yourself and don’t judge yourself. You are grieving and it needs to run its course.