I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
So I just did my taxes, which is another weight lifted off of me. The next task (which I will start on tomorrow) is figuring out if I want to take my HOA to small claims court. I am in a ground floor unit. My kitchen plumbing backed up and also broke my garbage disposal. The plumber determined it was the common kitchen line, which is typically an HOA responsibility. However, my HOA (without even calling my plumber) decided I clogged my own sink! I’m so angry, I wish I could set them all on fire.
Could I prevail on any lawyers for advice on whether I have a case in small claims court? The amount is only $320, but it’s the principle of it that irks me. I will have a pretty strong letter from my plumber, but can’t get plans of the building which show the common olumbing lines–the HOA claims they don’t have them.
I hope I am not abusing my privileges in picking lawyers’ brains here. I generally get more help from my online forums than anywhere in real life.
Has anyone ever been to small claims court? If I lose, could I be liable for the HOA’s legal consultations?
WHOA – Sunshine: “My sponsor tells me I’ll feel better when I do my fourth step and admit that it was my selfish, self-centered side that kept me in the relationship for two years.”
I just wrote a post on another thread about respecting AA and the people in it. But that line you just wrote, that your sponsor said, is toxic b*llsh*t. It was not your selfish, self-centered, side that kept you in the relationship. It was the opposite. If you read “Women who love Psychopaths” – which is research-based, you will learn that women (and men) who love S’s are actually very unselfish, and NOT self-centered, to a fault. We need to learn to be MORE self-centered and self-serving.
Again, I respect AA, and your sponsor probably means well – but she is completely off the mark, and her words are dangerous. I’m sure she says some really helpful things, but that statement is nothing but hurtful. Is she a psychologist or social worker specializing in relationship with sociopaths? Is she even familiar with them? PLEASE pay attention to the people who are knowledgable – the clinicians who write articles for this site, Donna A, and all of the very wise and experienced people who post here. You sponsor does not understand. And her words may hurt you.
SHE IS WRONG. I try not to say things too definitively, but I can’t help myself here. THERE WAS NOTHING “SELF-CENTERED” that kept you with him. It was the complete opposite.
Sunshine:
I am with Healing Heart on this one. I also respect AA, but your sponsor is way off the mark on this one.
I have had so-called friends say “I brought [the sociopath] on myself.” That is te same message you are getting from your sponsor. I view her so-called advice hurtful at best and destructive at worst.
Stargazer:
I read your post about filing for small claims court. This is one that you can handle pretty easily. Get a copy of the HOA rules which state what the HOA is and is not responsible for. Get the letter from the plumber which supports your position. Also the proof that you made the payment.
DEar Sunshine,
Yep, gotta chime in on this one…..well meaning but INVALID ADVICE. I too respect AA but I do NOT “swallow” everything they teach as “gospel”
I a a retired medical, mental health professional, Dr. Leedom is a psychiatrist, all these people including Donna hae been scammed and defrauded just like you and me and everyone here….I agree, read the book RESEARCH BASED BY PROFESSIONALS about WHY the Ps Target us. It is NOT because we are selfish.
You may have been drinking to cover the pain, and I applaud you BIG TIME for stopping the drinking, we can’t “drug” the pain away, we have to cope with it, and work through it. Also, there is no “magic time table” to do this buy, or frankly, any number of steps you have to take in any specific order. The concepts at AA fit SOME people, but not all. Dealing with a P is a “whole nuther world”—keep reading here, and keep on going to AA but take EVERYTHING you read or hear or someone tells you with a GRAIN OF YOUR OWN SALT, pick what FITS YOU to help you heal. (((hugs)))))
Sunshine: Your AA sponsor sounds about as helpful on this one as the “battered women counselor” who said to me, “Have you tried talking with him?”
Now, AA has many good points, but it also has a higher-than-normal percentage of S/Ps, and many of the great folks who are non-S/P just think we’re talking about “aliens” when we describe the behavior of an S/P.
Sweetie — it was your UNselfish nature that invited this crap, and alcohol is a way to self-medicate against the pain. Getting off is good, but understanding the dynamics of an S/P is even better in this case. Don’t get sucked in by someone’s well-meaning advice and do another guilt-trip on yourself.
By the way, the S/P in my story had risen to “DCM” and he used his position to target other victims. We need to encourage and validate each other — those of us who have had these experiences that seem so “paranormal” to the “normal” folks.
Rune, I think sometimes I might as well be telling people I had SEEN AN ALIEN SPACE SHIP, it seems it would be easier for them to believe than when I tell them about the Ps.
Sunshine:
The person who first suggested my S was an S had been married to one herself and still had a lot of anger over him. She was also in AA with several years of sobriety. In the first week when I was coming out of denial, she actually said some pretty hurtful things to me about how she couldn’t be in my life because I was “still obsessing” about the S. (It had only been a few days since our breakup!!!). Some of it was 12-step speak. It made me feel pretty awful. I had reached out to her for help, and she told me at first she would help me. 3 days laters she broke off contact with me. It took a while to realize that she was projecting her own issues on me. It probably triggered her own unresolved rage at her S. I didn’t want to say anything bad about AA because I know many people personally whose lives were saved by it. But I’ve also met more than my share who have tried to “prostheletize” me (sp) and project their own issues onto me. It just didn’t feel right or respectful to me. I think if what these people are telling you is making you feel bad, then stop sharing with them. That kind of talk is not what you need.
Healing Heart, i have to give my two cents on this matter as i’ve been in AA for over 5 years now, just got my medallion Monday night and i like you was being told to smash my ego, not so much by sponsor but a fellow aa gentleman. I know i can be an egomaniac at times with an inferiority complex as most addictive personalities fit this but i like you had my self esteem so battered that my ego was far from inflamed where the s was concerned but i will admit that my ego prob did have some part in me not being able to accept that this person rejected me over and over and i could not and still have trouble accepting that he can’t see me the way i think he should. I wouldn’t get too caught up in it as i’ve anylyzed this so much it doesn’t really matter anymore. for whatever reason i accepted the behaviour and didn’t walk away and i can accept my part in that. healing heart is right and i know that in my case i gave everything and got nothing in return so self centred , how the hell could i be when everything was about him . Our egos may have played a part in our not being able to accept them for who they are but even that was something that we could not have known about without the knowledge of p’s . I have beaten myself royally for years in Aa over the loss of my marriage to a great guy and then for going back to the p knowing i wasn’t being true to myself , just plain torturing myself and i’d be damed if i let another person blame me like a sponsor. I identify with you completely on this and i’m done trying to fig out what part my ego played. I’ve paid my dues already and im not rehashing it . I rem the doctor in the Traum Program i just completed saying i had a bit of AAism meaning too much programing and taking blame and being hard on myself it was so obvious to him (he had 34 yrs sobriety in AA himself) and that i had to forgive myself and move on. He also told us that Freuds theory of taking your bag of garbage to a physiciatrist and sorting through it was not the answer . fine to look and learn from our mistakes but we have to move on and not rehash everything over and over . I found that interesting and hope this helps you. Went out on the town tonight and didn’t run into the P and i was kind of hoping to just so i could practice my ignoring but just as well. Pretty pathetic night out actually but again i found out what im not missing. Going to bunker down and eat fudge again on weekends. Not missing a darn thing out there in the single scene.
Kind & Star: If we are dealing with a small percentage of the population (pick your numbers –4%, 10% or whatever) then a “good program” that works most of the time is NOT going to meet our needs. No formula — legal, social, common social courtesy — covers this issue. I believe this is why, after we are “battered” emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, if not physically and sexually — that we find no help. We are in the minority because we are dealing with perpetrators who are in the minority, and they are “invisible” to those who don’t know what they are looking at.
And then, when we most need validation, rejection from these people who represent the best of society — churches, judges (for restraining orders and custody decisions), neighbors, friends, because THEY CAN’T SEE what we have experienced in every fiber of our being — that rejection tears at our very essence of who we are. It’s like waking up in the morning and not seeing our own reflection in the mirror, not feeling our own bodies. We feel like we are dead.
Kind: I’m glad you got out, and sorry you couldn’t play a pick=up game of backgammon, or dance to 80s music because it’s silly.
We do need to band together, because we have seen “the UFOs” and we know that they are real. We are not crazy. We’ve seen them “drop the mask.”