I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Rune, Great Post. What bothers me is how society blends these creatures into mainstream America. Calling them labels like players, or making society think it is normal to have X amount of notches on your bedposts or sewing your oats before you settle down, or for the female psychos out there … collecting engagement rings and showing them off to your friends like a badge of honor.
These are a few examples that need to be changed. How many women I’ve known over the years … that have pinned away over a guy who conned them, but they consider that they were good guys, just sewing their wild oats and they would grow out of this phase when they got it out of their system.
Peace.
Kindheart48 – CONGRATULATIONS on five years – that is a remarkable accomplishment. I come from a long line of alcoholics (only a very small number have gotten sober), and I work with a lot of clients with substance abuse problems. I have witnessed, time and time again, how difficult it is for people to get sober and stay sober.
It is a testament to your strength, and your faith, that you got sober and stayed sober. I’m so glad that AA has been such a great support for you. My older brother got 8 years recently. My hats off to you both. Its a tremendous feat to quit an addiction. I think many of us here are very familiar with that painful struggle. We are the lucky ones who come out the other side.
kindheart48: I’m glad you are in AA and I know going to these meetings are not the easiest to sit through.
Two positives I would like to give you in your healing process.
1. Sign up for Fasting from Wrong Thinking
From “Pastor Gregory Dickow”
pastordickow@changinglives.org
He’s on chapter 5, but you can look through the archives for the previous chapters. All are excellent.
2. Read the Book “A New Earth” by E. Tolle.
Tolle’s tapes are on line for free at Oprah.com
Give yourself a handle and a password … look for her spiritual site … there you will find Tolle’s tapes for free … explaining all 10 chapters of his book with audiences from around the globe.
Both sources are excellent positive thinking to get you out of negative thinking that stems from the ego.
Peace.
Kindheart you said a few things I would like to comment on.
Our egos may have played a part in our not being able to accept them for who they are but even that was something that we could not have known about without the knowledge of p’s .
I am not so sure ego had much to do with it in most cases though of course you are the only one to know if it applies to your case. As Dr Carver stated in one of his articles:
Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals.
And this
the more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with “I’ll get them next time”. If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that investment.
I would also say that even if you had knowledge about psychopaths it still may not have helped you. Even those who have expert knowledge of and experience working with psychopaths can still fall victim to them and it often happens when they begin to think that their knowledge and experience makes the safe.
Blogger yes i also read something similar. They did a study with rabbits i beleive and they sporatically gave them pellets one here and one there nothing on a consistent basis and they became more dependent that the ones who were given consistently pellets. This is how the s/p’s get us hooked by giving us a little nicitiies on day and then treat us like crap until we are begging fo r the next pellet so to speak and yes i agree with you on what you said and i consider myself lucky to have an ego at all after all of this. As i said i went out lat night and now i m stuck with this stupid thought “why doesn’t the idiot miss me” and i know that’s my pride or ego thinking he should but he doesn’t and never will. Dam thoughts i hate as they are such a wast e of energy. I can’t wait for the day when i could care less.
You guys sooooo rock!!
Just reading your responses have lifted my spirits today. And, you have said what I truly believed in my heart. Dealing witih the aftermath is confusing enough, but having to believe that it is my own selfish self centered behaviour that created all of it has been torture for me. I know I have to accept accountability for staying as long as I did and for the effect that staying had on my emotional stability. All I really want to do is learn from the experience, heal, and move on to create a new life. I have moments when I believe that something wonderful is waiting in the future. I guess it’s those moments that keep me going. My daughter (my biggest cheerleader) tells me that I am the strongest person she knows, and that I will make it through.
Thanks for being out there in cyberland.
I think it’s important to find help and to find the right help, as everyone here has said before. I think it adds extra stress to feel like you are fighting against the whole world. I have nearly a masters in Psychology, and I never would have understood about sociopaths if I hadn’t gotten played by one. I can understand how most people don’t get it. Our first foremost priority should be in helping ourselves. It’s a whole other battle educating society about sociopaths–and one that I think should be taken on only if we have the strength, energy, and desire to do so. I am seriously considering how to do this. I meet more and more people these days who have encountered sociopaths/cluster B personalites and got no support from anyone. There is certainly the need for some information sharing and enlightening.
Rune, yes it was the same ole same ole going out last night. I should be good for another few months of staying home haha. The one bar i went to well it’s hard to even explain. Nothing has changed since i was a tee n and went there once or twice. Called the Golden Tap and all country and mullets both men and women and just disturbing a bit to say the least. I love to dance but i couldn’t even dance to that crap. Im not a line dancer either, boy it was pretty pathetic but unfortunatly this is all i have here. The first bar i went to was a little more upscale and i had some schechwan eggrolls and decaf coffe and it was more tolerable bt i have a confession to make . I don’t know why i do this over and over again as it just depresses me more to see what’s out ther but curiosity gets the best of me.
AA focuses on the PHYSICAL NC with alcohol, and most of us are aware of the fairly HIGH NUMBERS of “dry drunks” in AA, the Ps that are no longer drinking, but like DJ’s XBF, are STILL psychpaths and prey on others in AA, and as long as they are not touching the “bottle” they are still in AA and acceptable.
In a way AA is like a “church” with a “dogma” that everyone must believe in order to “be saved” (from hell or booze) Not that that is all bad, mind you, it does “save” a good many people, but in many cases they substitute one addiction (booze) for another one, the AA/Church. One of the reasons that Ps are so “successful” in AA and Churches is the “forgiveness” thing,
No matter what a person in a Church/AA does, or how low they fall, they can always come back, “repent” (or at least pretend to) and say “sorry” and BAM, everyone comes up and congratulates them on the “return of their faith”—
The Trojan Horse Psychopath is very adept at using churches to “save” him, he used going to church with my mother as a cover and to gain her trust. As soon as I found out he was a child molester and told her, he DID “confess” that yes, he was a legal “molester” but “actually, she was nearly 18 and she was asking for it” so he went to the church and confessed to this dark thing in his background and of course everyone congratuated him for finding Jesus. In actually fact, this “woman” nearly 18, was 3 little girls ages 9, 11, and 14!
Now that he is out of prison, he is apparently using some more committed Christians to “save” him, and I bet they have no more idea what he is than a goose.
I have seen and known others who used AA just the same way. Psychopaths who proudly display their 10 or 20 year medalians while still being stealth Ps. Ditto with some “Christians”—my egg donor for example.
But, because some “Christians” are Ps in disguise, or some AA members are Ps in disguise doesn’t mean the organizations don’t do a lot of good or help a lot of good people. It is just that we must make sure that we are not fed a line that puts us in a bad spot because these organizations or their people don’t know what a P is. My egg donor’s congregation of good Christian people fell for the line of the P and snubbed me for being so “unforgiving”—–they backed the wrong horse in that race. These well meaning people continue to “back” my egg donor, not knowing that HER behavior is “psychopath by proxy.” She wears a gooooood mask.
kindheart48: I think you would meet a better class of people at bookstores, libraries, charity fund raisers, supermarkets, church dances etc.
Too many games being played by the anti-socials in the bar scene… and for all the decent people they’ve played, bitterness lingers in them unless they find a site like LF to work it out.
Peace.