I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
I haven’t been to a bar in years, KH. I haven’t found any around here I like where the music and dancing are good. Although sometimes it’s fun just to watch people with strange haircuts dance badly to bad music. It can be kind of entertaining if you have no expectations of the evening.
At least you got out. I’m glad you didn’t see the S. It may have turned a mildly “disturbing” evening into are horrific one.
wINI , i know i keep thinking i need to move and that is a very good option that alot of well meaning people have suggested but then on the other hand i wonder if it’s the same wherever you go. I sat there thinking(and trust me im the most accepting person out there) i don’t belong here at all. Not sure where i belong but not there. When i was married and even with the drinking i never went to bars. I think i may look into charity work and yes i do see lots of nice guys who make a point of saying hello at the grocery stores but not sure if they are single and hard to get a conversation going.
Blogger – ive had a handful of longterm relationships – invested much in each one, although different things at different phases/stages of my life and in the actual relationships. I had NO “problem” getting out of them except when it came to the S. Of course, Ive had my “heart broken” a time or two and tried to reconcile a time or two, shed some tears a time or two…but NEVER did I behave the irrational unreasonable and unusual way i did with the S in terms of ACCEPTING what was going on.
FROM DAY ONE, I WAS MOVED BY THIS PERSON. By that I mean something just happened that made me WANT TO KNOW HIM. I wanted to pursue knowing him, get to know him. In all other relationships I was pursued and frankly I was no where near as drawn to WANTING to get to know any one of them. Sure I experienced various levels of friendship and love with each prior one – but i was able to say Goodbye, or accept that we werent compatible. NOT WITH S. And at some point when I tried to end things w/ the S with respect and on some semblance of good terms – he wanted nothing to do with it. NO GOODBYE – no kind exchanges . I thought hmmm… maybe that means he wants to work it out. It just simply meant he was having the time of his life taking advantage of me and just didnt want to be cut off from this particular source .
For me, when it was good – it was REALLY REALLY good with the S. Looking back, he played the part so well, perhaps too well. When the mask fell off – I WANTED NO PART OF THAT REALITY. But in the past although it wasnt a mask that fell, the relationship fell apart and I accepted it. I refused to accept the reality with the S , or that the S was an S. Denial, denial, denial. For the first time in my life I chose to live in denial in a relationship – why?? Because what he (deceitfully) provided in the beginning of our relationship was absolutely the most perfect connection I have ever had. I wanted that back.
I keep investing time and energy, and hope, hope, hope that if we just worked it out, if I just held on, If we just “Fixed” whatever it was – we would be able to get back to and go back to what was absolutely the most wonderful time I had ever experienced from beginning a friendship and transitioning into a relationship. But the deception I was unaware of was that he was mirroring me, using things he had learned from others in past relationships, he was on “autopilot” and I was as genuine as genuine can be. Not to mention, naiive and the most willing and perhaps easiest victim he has ever encountered. I gave my love and friendship to him – the one I should have never even given a second glance – but honestly – I remember telling everyone that the strangest thing happened to me that day when I was introduced to him.
Strange alright – it was my first time being in the presence of a Sociopath that I was attracted to and “hit it off “with- and I was instantaneously his next victim. Because I was inexperienced, naiive and unprepared for his evil ways.
I don’t know if there are more sociopaths in bars than in…say….the army (where mine was from), church, the internet, etc. But I think it’s safe to say that there is probably a higher concentration of alcoholics in bars. (Stating the obvious here LOL).
Start,
I would think (logically, I hope) that any group where people can congregate and engage in some behavior that is more acceptable there than would be other places that there would be a higher percentage of Ps.
Many alcoholics (a higher percentage than in the general pop) are ALSO Ps, so a bar would be a good place for an alki to go and get drunk where it might not be approproiate to get knee walking drunk somewhere else. Internet dating sites I would think would have a higher than “average” percentage of Ps because they can pretend to be anything over the internet.
AA meethings themselves (even the “dry drunks”) are at a higher percentage than in the general pop.
EX-convicts have a higher percentage of Ps than people who have never been to prison.
EX-addicts of any kind, ADDICTS of any kind, etc. would have a higher percentage of Ps than the general pop.
So, me thinks, that in order to PLAY THE ODDS about associating with groups of people who would have the least POTENTIAL PERCENTAGE OF Ps. you should look at the GROUP you are associating with. Doesn’t mean that you won’t go into a “group” of some kind, let’s say “dog lovers” and go straight to the ONE P out of 99 good folks, but it at least improves your odds of finding someone nice.
So, I would think an “anger management class” would not be a potentially good place to meet someone to date! LOL or the “Ex-convicts of America convention”—-I have ruled out internet dating for sure as a potential site for meeting people, and I am with Matt on the “4-tions.” Also, I have ruled out bars for meething people as “going to bars” is just not part of my life style. Besides around here most of the bars if you don’t have a gun or a knife when they search you at the door, they GIVE YOU ONE! I’ll pass.
Sunshine – I am so glad that all of the posts re: your sponsor’s advice was helpful. You deserve to be helped, after all you have been through.
I reacted strongly to the words of your sponsor, and blogged to you immediately. Afterward I worried that I might have been too strong with my words. After all, AA has likely been a very supportive place for you.
I was relieved to see others agree, and to be so supportive of you, and even more relieved to see you log on and feel supported.
You are probably a very warm and loving person, and I suspect that you gave so much of your heart, soul, and mind to the relationship with this man who did not deserve you. We got so much shame from these S’s, and many of us were so shamed in our childhoods, that the last thing we need is to have caring others treat us is a shame-based manner.
You were not selfish and self-centered in the relationship with the S. You were loving, caring, forgiving, trusting, and unselfish to a fault. Time to take care of yourself, set limits with others, and refuse to listen to people who try to make you feel bad abour yourself.
Shaming behavior is totally unacceptable. It does not come from a place of love or compassion.
I an so glad you are here, and, like the rest of this supportive community, I send you lots of love and light.
Please continue to get help with your alcohol-based issues from AA and your sponsor. I know that is a supportive community. But please also come to us for support re: your relationship with your ex-S, and your recovery from it. We understand, and we will not make you feel bad about yourself – we understand the crazy ride of recovery from one of these monsters.
Dear HH,
Well said, as always! (((hugs))))
Stargazer, there ws a young girl (lord love her) and he r belly was hanging out with stretch marks and she was as proud as a peacock. At one point she got mad at her bf (some little guy pretty inebriated) and she knocked him to the ground right behind me and i was like im going to get hurt here. It was all pretty surreal to say the least. I nursed my extra spicey bloody ceasar not wanting to leave only because it is blisterly cold here. The washrooms were so cold you couldn’t hardly pee and one of the stalls well i ‘ll save you this one . anyway it was pretty pathetic but at least i saw what im not missing. One guy was trying to tell me to come to him(greasy looking with leather jacket) and im so bloody naive im looking behind me and then i fin realize it’s me and then i think ” who the hell does he think he is demanding me to come over” nasty all of it
hi guys, i was just reflecting on last night and i think i’ve come to the realization that im a little down on men. I’ve noticed that i don’t even pay any attention to them or if they try and engage me i’m not interested , deep trust issues and i think they stem not only from the s but also from my ex as i did n’t see it coming when he decided to leave. I hope i eventually get over this as i do have some male friends that i trust but only a select few and anyone who is a stranger i put a big wall up. Not a good way to live i know but that’s where im at. So much hurt and today i feel it. Grief is the feeling for that piecs of garbage that i put so much faith in and he’s off marrily leaving me behind damaged. Sorry to sound so down but i want to be honest where im at.
Dear Kindheart,
“When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas.” Sounds like the place you were was a kennel! (not to insult dogs!)
When you hang out in a place that “trash” congregates, they I think assume that you are like them, (doesn’t matter if it is “rich trash” or “poor trash”—still trash) No, I don’t think it is a place you wanna be, even for a drink to get out of the house. That’s the way ALL the bars are around here, just “trash pits” so I don’t go to them at all here because of that. The joke is that they search you at the door and if you DON’T have a gun or a knife they GIVE YOU ONE! Pretty seedy places with lots of “hard core” drinkers, druggers, etc. There really aren’t any places where you can go have a drink, or a drink and dinner and not be surrounded by “trash.”
They opened one place not too far from here, “membership” only, but any one could join, but it didn’t do enough business to keep open long. Good food and good atmosphere, just not enough people went there for it to survive.
There is NO entertainment within 35 miles of my place, to the closest “city” (vs “town”) but it is in a no alcohol county so no bars and most of the “private membership” clubs are strip joints on the edge of town “Gentlemen’s clubs” with pole dancers. LOL Some good places to eat, and 3 colleges, but no bars or dinner clubs, so have to go 65 miles for that, and there are some good ones there with good music and nice ones there but a trip there is RARE and with the economy what it is probably even more rare than before.
I saw enough “cities” and “towns” when I used to live in Los Angeles, New Orleans, Miami and Dallas to satisfy me for a life time, so I’ll stick to the boonies. Over all I prefer it and feel safer here than I would in town.
Keep in mind it wasn’t a “man” that hurt you, but a PSYCHOPATH who happened to be male. Not all males are Ps. I have to keep in mind that it wasn’t just a “stranger who wormed their way into my family” that hurt me but a PSYCHOPATH WHO WORMED THEIR WAY INTO MY FAMILY with malice. So now I am leery of strangers, especially men I dont’ know. Generalizing too much makes us afraid, and we have to get more specific about our fears, which ARE JUSTIFIED AND REASONABLE. We SHOULD BE AFRAID OF PSYCHOPATHS, just not afraid of ALL PEOPLE.
Just as an antelope needs to be afraid of crocodiles who look like logs lying there, but not afraid of ALL LOGS on the ground. We just have to distinguish the real from the pretend and be a BIT CAUTIOUS before we approach the “log” too closely. Leave ourselves some “get away” room.
Your grief is natural, normal, and expected, hang in there sweetie! (((hugs))))