I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
kindheart – i believe this with all my heart about my S. BECAUSE they CANT win/feel on top/be in control when we end it/cut it off/ say NOMORE even if some of us did it with the utmost respect and wanted mutual closure – THEY LOSE THEIR MINDS OVER THIS – THEY CANT HANDLE IT – LOSING US EQUATES TO THEM LOSING CONTROL- BEING LEFT BEHIND – NO LONGER ABLE TO HOLD US IN THEIR MANIPULATIVE GRIP/HOLD ANYMORE. IT DRIVES THEM NUTS, AND TO SOME EXTENT HURTS THEIR SICK EGOS. SO INSTEAD OF RESPECTFULLY SAYING, GOODBYE, THANKS FOR THE JOURNEY (WHICH THEY DONT WANT TO HEAR OR HAVE ANY PART OF) CUZ THEY WERE RIDING HIGH ON OUR WEAKNESSES AND WANTED TO KEEP ABUSING AND SUCKING THE ENERGY OUT OF US – ITS ENTERTAINING FOR THEM. THEY DONT WANT TO GIVE US WHAT WE WANT – WHETHER ITS LOVE, RESPECT OR MUTUAL GOODBYE. SO AT THE END, THEY SEE IT AS THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BE ARROGANT, BRASH AND COLD – AT THE POINT WHEN WE HAVE WISED UP EXPOSED THEM AND KICKED THEM TO CURB! AND IF ALONG THE WAY WE CALLED THEM OUT ON THEIR BEHAVIORS – THEY CERTAINLY DONT WANT TO SHARE A DRINK, A SMILE, AND A GOODBYE . CUZ ALL OF A SUDDEN WE JUST LANDED OURSELVES ON THEIR CRAZY LIST = BECAUSE WE STOOD UP FOR OURSELVES! GO US!!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!! ID RATHER US BE ON HIS CRAZY LIST THAN ON HIS SUCKER/VICTIM LIST 🙂
Dear KH,
Google “Elizabeth Kubler-Ross” and “grief process” and you will understand that your reactions “out of the blue” are GRIEF REACTIONS, the anger, the hate, etc. are NORMAL and yes they will go up and down like a roller coaster, but it will RESOLVE…I remember about a year after my beloved grandfather died, I woke up in the middle of the night so MAD AT HIM FOR DYING I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM! LOL After that episode (which of course was “irrational” as he didn’t deliberately die! LOL) I came to acceptance ofhis death and the loss. At that time in my life I didn’t know about the “grief process” but later I learned why I had become “angry.”
Hang in there and the roller coaster of the accute grief will slow down, the dips will get less and the ride will slow down. (((hugs))))
sstilles54 – I just do not know what to say to comfort you – I am going to have to log off after reading about your pooch – Hug from Henry—————–and a big Hug for Kindheart tonite as well………… Henry and for my dear friend OXY~~!!a HUG——OH HELL everybody gets a HUG from Henry tonite – and I thot my day sucked~~~!!!!!
Henry, have a great day at your new job tomorrow!
G’nite all! Sleep well.
learnthelesson: thank you for that post. The power of self is back in our hands. Although the healing is slow, keeping everything in mind of what you have said and clearly described is awesome! We have the power over ourselves! Yes!
Learnthelesson:
I echo the THANKS for a great post at 12:13 am Monday (note to LF members – very helpful read) which I can relate to exactly. Especially the part about liking to be with him because I felt so much like myself with him. Stargazer said the same thing about him being so EASY to be with. All a ploy to reel us in and make us more dependent, and likely to give them their FIX.
On a related point, I can relate to some of you who chastise themselves for having taken them back, wrote off the lies, dealt with their pleas etc…I did that over 10 times! Somewhere though, I was very aware that I was doing something foolish and temporary because I had read the red flags, but was choosing to ignore them for the INCREDIBLE chemistry, “feeling” or high I was getting from being around him.
I had to live through that period, feeling the high, then taking note of the blatant lies the very next day (I too became adept at calling him on his lies, based on the unlikeliness of his stories) and deception, getting upset, dumping him, and starting all over again when the urge to see him came up. Lived that way for 2 years more or less.
Now that rollercoaster ride from hell has finally run its course, and I am no longer interested in bring entangled in it. Prefer to be alone, actually. Dumped him at the curve for good, becaming part of his CRAZY list, NC for 3 months.
Learnthelesson and too all of you, thanks for your support it almost brings me to tears, all your kindness and for a minute there i thought it was about the jackass (n o offence to the donkeys) but it’s you guys who brought me to tears with all your support and kindness. Im heading back to the bank tomorrow for a full day and then i see my shrink on thursday so i’m going to tell her about how wonderful this site and all of you have been. To be honest with all the searching for answers and help and i had to pick one thing it would be this site. I’ve managed to step beyond the knowlege phase(which lasted for years ) and move into the actual doing phase with the support i need . I m also going to tell her that if she recommends any therapist, i will only consider one who knows exactly what this is all about. Im having a little trouble with the med for ADHD(strattera not being covered b y ins.) and the doc in Trauma prog said to ask for samples but i can’t live off that forever so i may have to switch to concerta(not a great drug for recovering people with addictions) but may have not choice but i have to say i have finally come to conclusion that i really am ADHD and quite high on the scale and the med has made significant difference in me. Not as impulsive, with everything really. Before if i had the compulsion to call him, nothing could stop me where now i’m able to play out the tape so to speak and be able to think things through. So glad i finally started to blog on my own with all of you instead of just reading the blogs for years. hugggggggggggggs kindheart
Sociofree (luv the screenname) and Kindheart…
I also thank you for your posts (all the painfully honest and responsive ones), for your insight, and for sharing things that I can relate to and for being here as well.
I came to realize last night (after saying …and can you believe i went back…or yep I went back…. CANT BELIEVE IT over and over) but at the time, each time, I was LIVING IN DENIAL. Plain and simple. Wasnt accepting the REALITY of the situation for what it was. Only for what it once was. My history with my mom, surely somewhere somehow played a significant role in my high tolerance, denial and ability to or need to keep returning. I now need to find out what it was/is that allows me to withstand intolerable treatment. And a part of it too, was never having been exposed to his type of personality and doing my damnest to figure it out/understand him /fix him. But I have to figure out me/understand me/fix me. And let him do all of the above for himself. I wish him well, but statistics show he will never change.
BUT I CHOOSE A WRONG PERSON FOR ME IN MY LIFE. A TERRIBLY DISORDERED PERSON TO GIVE MY LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP TOO. AND I TOO WAS IN NOT AT ALL IN A HEALTHY STATE OF MIND TO BE ABLE TO SHARE AND EXPERIENCE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. I WAS ALLOWING AND ACCEPTING ALL THE WRONG TREATMENT, EXPERIENCES, AND WRONGLY FORGIVING HIM ESP. WHEN THE MASK FELL OFF.
SOCIO – IM GLAD YOU TOO ARE FINDING LESS AND LESS INTEREST IN BEING ENTANGLED WITH HIM. IT SURELY WASNT ALWAYS LIKE THAT FOR US, WE WANTED THEM BACK, BUT WE ARE REALIZING WHAT THEY PORTRAYED INITIALLY AND WHO THEY REALLY ARE IS NOT WHO WE WANT IN OUR LIVES. NC IS THE WAY TO GO. 3 MONTHS IS A REASON TO CELEBRATE!!
KINDHEART – ARE YOU TAKING A LIQUID/PILL OR PATCH FORM OF THE MEDICATION? MY NEIGHBOR HAS CHANGED THE WAY HER ADHD MEDICATION IS ADMINISTERED/ABSORBED AND IT HAS BEEN A BLESSING FOR HER. SOMETHING TO LOOK INTO WITH YOUR DOCTOR MAYBE? IM SO GLAD YOU STARTED TO BLOG ON AS WELL AS READING, I APPRECIATE YOUR POSTS. I ACTUALLY, LIKE HENRY SAID LAST NIGHT, THANK ALL OF YOU FOR SHARING A PART OF YOUR LIFE, YOUR STORY, YOUR THOUGHTS. ITS HEALING. IT AINT EASY, BUT IT IS POSSIBLE TO LET GO AND MOVE ON, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Going sledding!!! Prayers please for no broken bones! My kids think Im young! LOL LOL Have a better day than yesterday everybody!
Believe it or not, I even sometimes still miss the sociopath, even though it was such a brief time. He was the last man I was with, so I may be thinking about him for years. I never waited around for the “devalue” phase, so most of my memories of him are good ones. I cannot imagine I will ever have that feeling with another man again. He really felt like “home” to me. What a shame. I don’t let myself get into too much longing though. If that starts to happen, I just cut the thoughts right off. I won’t let myself spend too much time thinking about him. I’m aware when I do think of him, it’s more the way I felt with him, and not really about him. I just miss feeling that way with a man. I usually remind myself that he’s probably womanized several new targets by now.
I went to my counselor today. He asked me all kinds of questions about my life. I told him the story–one trauma after another. He asked me what I do with all the pain. I sat there with my heart about to leap through my throat, but I couldn’t cry. I keep wishing I could just get to the bottom of all the pain. When I left, I felt an emotional wall come back up, in anticipation for my marathon 3 days at the office starting tomorrow. Ugh. I don’t even know what I’m depressed about any more. And yet when I go to work, I have to paint the smile on my face cause no one there understands what my life has been like. They don’t know about my past or much about the sociopath. They wouldn’t understand. Most people see me as fun-loving, light, and laughing a lot. They don’t see that my humor often covers the pain. But at least it’s not primarily about the sociopath. I feel like he’s just one in a long line of betrayals.
Well, Star, for what it is worth, at least you have a job in these tough times, it may not be one you like or that fullfills you but at least it is an income. I am afraid the way things are going right now (DOW down again today) all of us are going to have to settle for less than we might aspire to. I know it sounds trite, but in this case, count your blessings and look at the positive side! It keeps your snakes in frozen rats! LOL