I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Learnthelesson, as i mentioned im on a drug calle d Strattera and the doc from the Trau ma program would have liked to see me on the highest dose which would be 80 mg and it’s in a capsule for. I just talked to my insurance co. today and they are sending me a form to have it reviewed to hopefully have coverage in the future for it. my gp said they are giving it to children now instead of ritalin(as it’s an anphetimine) and yes it takes me down quite a few notches although the last couple of days i have been in such an anger phase and i went to an AA meeting tonight and shared honestly about how i called my ex husband and reemed him out today and had thoughts of putting my cd(full of nasty s music) in the s’ mailbox but didn’t as i know it would just make me feel guilty later. I’ve been taking my anger out in all directions and when i wa s sitting at the meeting fighting back tears it dawned on me that the person im most angry with is me. I’ve been praying for the s and his daughter as i know resentments can lead me back to the bottle but im not used to feeling this overpowering anger and hatred as i usually repress and forgive too easily. Now i’m feeling guilty for calling my ex husband even though some of the things i said were justified. Im just so dam hurt and wish i had a tougher skin but then i wouldn’t be me. I know this too shall pass but the anger is overwhelming at times and the no contact is min by min but at least i was able to play the tape through where the cd was concerned. He would only take it as attention instead of getting the context of what i really think of him. They say that anger turned inward is depression and it is true as i’ve worn myself out with it but i know it will pass. I have lots to be grateful for and im tired of letting him rent space in my head but i do understand that this is a process and im still detoxing.
Kind – I posted to you again this aft under todays blog (my computer was going bonkers) so that was the easiest place to post that I misread your text. Did you get a chance to read Kathys blog about anger today? I can feel your hurt and pain as I read your words. You are so right that this shall pass, and you are still very much going through this difficult process. Wonder how you feel about Kathys blog and if it helps in some small way? Hang in there, you are expressing it and getting it all out, and you are being very strong about your vulnerabilities. NC is important, but sometimes we do have to do whats right for us and then continue on with NC. Prayers are coming your way from me. ..
Stargazer, like you i feel betrayed by my exhusband and the s. and there is no worse feeling than betrayal. It cuts deep to the core and i think on some level i’ve denied both becasue i want to beleive that people care about me the same way i care about them and if i pretend then i don’t have to accept the hard core reality that they just don’t or can’t. I’ve spent the better part of the last 6 years treating my ex husb as if he is still my friend when in reality he is remarried and moved on with another child and doesn’t care to the degree that i do. If i gave myself one iota of the care i’ve given to others i would be one happy woman but that’s where i fall short. When you spend all your life cattering to others and trying to be nice at all costs , somebody comes out with the short end of the stick and that is us. Very hard to be good to ourselves when we’ve come from dysfunctional backgrounds where we didn’t grow up with a good sense of self worth. It’s so hard to do but i think it takes practice for sure. I would never in a million years treat someone as harshly as i ‘ve treated myself and even knowing this it is still hard to self nurture me. Im trying but it’s going to take alot of hard work. I am so sensitive that at times i feel as though or i should say i know i take on other peoples pain and that i think has come from my family of origin. Codependent personality very generalized but it can be very debilitating to say the least.
One of the great things about this site is that so many of us have had similar experiences with an S. We blogged several months ago about sociopaths being unusually charming and giving you the illusion of a soul connection. Realizing that everyone felt this connection to their S made it easier for me to stay out of denial about mine. I definitely felt that soul connection with mine. I’m glad to report, though, that I no longer “bargain” about maybe, what if, etc. I’m sure that the longer you’ve been involved with someone and the more you invested, the harder it is to let go.
I lived with a man for 3 years that I was madly in love with, even though he was consistently selfish and disrespectful toward me. I chalked up our problems to an extreme communication problem, and we went to therapy for it. The therapist told us each separately that the other person was not right for us. We stayed together until he finally cheated right in front of my face and I was forced to leave. During all of this time, I believed that deep down he really loved me the way he had in the beginning. I thought that after our break up, he would finally wake up and see what he’d lost. Instead, he wrote me a letter telling me that the woman he cheated with broke his heart and was the “first woman he ever loved.” This crushed me more than I could ever tell you. I had to realize that I wasted 3 years on a man who really did not love me. I stayed because I really believed we loved each other and would find each other again. Never mind that I had grown to resent him to a point that probably couldn’t be reversed. I think this kind of betrayal takes a long time to recover from. I still have dreams about that guy and we broke up in 2001. I wish I’d had a site like this. It would have helped me tremendously.
Kindheart,
I think it is very healthy that you are getting so angry. In some ways, it feels good to be angry. Seems for me, I’m so used to suppressing it that everything is pissing me off these days. The anger will allow you to set healthy boundaries, whether it be with the men you date, your fellow AA members, or even with yourself. Anger is a very useful emotion, as Kathy Hawk talks about in her recent post. In a perfect world, we should be able to just scream our anger at the people who hurt us. Sadly, some of these people cannot hear it. In the case of an S, he/she may even use it against you. That doesn’t take away your right to be angry at them.
When I found out my S was lying to me, the only thing that kept me from giving him a huge piece of my mind was that he blocked the email. I realized right around that time that it would be pointless to try to communicate with him any more.
hi someone, it’s 3.33 am and i cannot sleep for the life of me and im to start back to work tomorrow. I’ve taken seroquel and two nitrazepam and nothing. Im tempted to call my sup tomorrow and say i just can’t come back and im so frustrated. i used to be able to function and i only work partime as it is. With the trauma prog and being off since sept;08 i thought i’d be feeling much better and im so disheartened. Im an extremely anxious person and maybe it’s just nervousness about returning but i can’t function without sleep. I honestly don’t know what to think and i just feel like bawling bu t i know it won’t do me any good. I feel like a nonfunctioning person and i’ve gone to such lengths to get the help i need and still im feeling so weak. How can this be happening when i’ve been trying so hard. Im so wired andi know i need to get some sleep but i have this pain that is at the surface and i feel like nothing has changed since i went off. Sorry to sound so negative but im at a loss.
Hello Kind: I don’t know if you are still up, but I have a suggestion. This may sound silly, but I’ve found it works.
Lie down in bed, and start imagining spaces. Imagine the space between your eyebrows. Imagine the volume inside your nose. Imagine the distance between the tip of your nose and your chin. Keep imagining spaces. Imagine the distance between your skin and the wall of the room. Imagine the distance between your body and the moon.
As you imagine these spaces, you gain a sense of yourself that pulls you out of this realm of a busy brain and pointless anxiety, and into a space where you can feel connected to the greater universe, and even to God, if that comes to you.
This meditation can overcome whatever drugs are in your system, and you can do it any time. It also does things to your thought processes that help you to be more creative and more present in your work.
Rest well.
Star: You are fortunate that he blocked your email. He doesn’t have any of “that” to hold against you. I imagine you would have had plenty to say, and with good reason. But he doesn’t have any of those unsent, unreceived emails to turn around and use to hurt you.
By the way, I’m in the Denver area as well. I am cautious about connection, as anyone who has dealt with these issues should be, but I think we would enjoy a moment, some coffee, and a chance to talk about the “snakes” in our lives.
Kind & all the rest of us “hunny-bunnies”: “If i gave myself one iota of the care i’ve given to others i would be one happy woman but that’s where i fall short.” Amen, Kindheart.
So, how do we find others like ourselves, and how do we strengthen ourselves to have those wonderful mutual relationships that let us harvest what we plant?
Rune thanksd for suggestions, i was up until aprox 530 and knew with how emotional and tired iwould be there woudl be no way i could function soi called the bank and left mess for supervisor and also this aft with lady who is the go between , getting return to work woman. Im so frustrated as i had even bought some new clothes to wear and know i need to be working not only for money but for self worth. The thing is i took so much me d by 530 that i didnt’ getu up until 1 this aft. im seeing my shrink on thurs so maybe she can switch my meds and my sup was very nice and understanding. It’s anxiety and i have alot of anxiety but i know once i get over the hurdle ii will be fine. You know coming out of that Traum program you think things will be all better or at least somewhat bettere and i feel like i have so many issues still in front of me. I feel like such a failure as i should be able to go back to this job and i can’t beleive all the devastation that s has caused me in all areas. Something i have been ashamed to tell all of you but it is something that is understandable for some but the doctor heading the prog said most people won’t get it. Im also dealing with a criminal charge (can’t beleive it’s criminal but it is) one the early weekends i was home on a discharge, i took a tiny sample off an aveno bottle and a lip gloss sample. This is a behaviour i’ve had off and on my whole life. Long story short i got caught by security and they charged me with item the little sample and lip sample and another thing i had changed a reduced tag on but none of it was in my possession just the samples but still charge with theft under 5000. This has been such a humiliating experience but i sat so perplexed as to why im doing this and the cop who came couldn’t undersatnd why i hadn’t taken meat or something valuble. When i went back to homewood i immediately told the doc and nurses in program and then the doc even prodded me to share in proces.. Im not in any way trying to minimize any of this so i want to make this clear but he said or i should say label was kleptomania which sounds awful but is actually a way to releive stress and anxiety(also he said it nailed the ADHD and risk taking etc.) so i’ve also been dealing with this issue which is so stressful. They encouraged me to hire an attorney so i called a paralegal and go t a guy who i can tell is more int in the money aspect as his first queston was who lives with you ad i said son going to military and he said why isn’t he on welfare. my son would never consider it and if my son knew what happened he wouldn disown me. They charged me for 20 but i act only had samples but that’s procedure i guess. The stress alone from this was just overwhelming at times that it was all i could think about in trauma program. Feel like a criminal but have researched a little on it and yes i have to agree with doc, you take things of insinificance to releive this pent up anxiety and it doesn’t even feel good , it’s actually a bad adreniline feeling much like when i would contact the s. I hope things go ok in court and im very sorry for what happened but im also afraid nobody will understand the physicology beheind it esp since the doctor told me most people are ignorant with this condition. I had alot of suppor tin homewood over this everyone realy as i was honest and the one lady opp cop (alkie) in my group tried to tell me i wasn’t the criminal i think i feel like but it sure is weighing heavily on me. Court date is on mar17th and im not crazy about the lawyer and money and i have not much coming in and just one thing after the other . I feel like ive been trying forever to help myself and then i do things to sabotage it. Anyway i hope you guys don’t judge me but i wanted to be honest about this and get it off my chest. If i should get a criminal record ove r this (no ohter charges) it will affect my life forever. When does all this shit end and when will i get my strength back as i feel sometimes as im getting worse although so many people have told me im much better. Im feeling so groggy for taking too much to help sleep and realizing even that was a mistake.