I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Kindheart. Your screenname….did you choose it? Because it is a reflection of where we are, who we are, and how we are feeling at the time we choose our screenname. I believe you are very much aware you do have a kindheart, and you are a kindhearted person. Please never stop believing that – or in you.
Correct me if Im wrong, someone, but cold-hearted calculating criminals dont take responsibility for their actions.
You just did, and you are continuing to. You are not alone, and you have been and are continuing to seek out all the counseling and support you need for the vulnerabilities and flaws you are dealing with in your life. We ALL have vulnerabilities we all have flaws.
No matter how many times you feel as though you are trying to help yourself and how many times you feel you do something to sabotage it – the key is to never give up on trying to help yourself. For each time you do that, ultimately you are and will help yourself. Only you can.
We can support you. And girl, we arent going anywhere. We are here for you to vent, share, express, be sad, be motivated. We are here for you while you are doing everything in your power to help yourself. Whatever the outcome, you wont be alone, and you will be that much closer to getting anwers and the right medication and going in the right direction.
We cant change the past, but we can change the way we go forward. Its very difficult to share so much as you did, Im hoping it was helpful for you to express so much.
I want you to get over this first pending hurdle. To do everything in your power to start that first day back on your job. Whatever it takes, with the doctor adjusting the meds. I think you are ready. And I think you need to show yourself you can do this once your sleep pattern isnt wreaking havoc for you. But you wont know until you try when you are ready next.
You are under a lot of stress. You simply cannot feel as strong as you would like to (although others see your progress) right now you have alot of things on your plate. Try to focus on the most important one right now and work from there.
Mistakes are just lessons, they arent mistakes if you learn from them. And you are willing to. Lets help you set some goals and make a plan to reach them.
We dont judge here. We share, connect, verablize, learn. xoxo
DEar Kindheart,
(((((Kind Heart)))))) Thank you for sharing that, I can understand how you would be humiliated to share it, but it shows that you trust us to understand. Not condone, but to understand.
Professionally I have dealt with patients with kleptomania and none of them would ACKNOWLEDGE it…acknowledging it is the first step in healing any thing. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! You have taken the first step.
I also have a person who used to be in my circle of trust who has kleptomania and she will NOT ACKNOWLEDGE it so I have had to draw a boundary for her and STRICTLY ENFORCE IT. I figure that she also uses the taking things to reduce anxiety. She is so deeply in denial about what her problems are though, that she will never heal because she will never acknowledge them. The first time she took things from me, it devestated me, but now I understand where she is coming from and I can “handle it” but unfortunately, because she does not, will not, acknowledge her problem, I can no longer be “friends” with her but must protect myself by keeping her at a distance and behind a high barrier of boundaries–strong boundaries.
Your anxiety about going back to work is also understandable, and I am sure that anxiety made you unable to sleep the night before. You wouldn’t be “normal” if that was not the case!
YOU ARE WORKING on your problems in a positive way, and I realize that you may feel that you have so many that they are an insurmountable hurdle but that’s your anxiety and fear talking, none of us have insurmountable hurdles, but we DO have some difficult ones, and we just have to tackle them one hurdle at a time in baby steps. I know I felt so much despair that I never thought I could even survive. KNowing how I felt helps me imagine how you might feel right now—overwhelmed.
You are NOT alone, and you ARE doing things right—one step at a time!!!!! (((((hugs))))) and my prayers for your healing.
kindheart48-thanks for trusting us enough to tell us. I’ll still talk to you, and I think everybody else will, too. You’ll do what you can, when you can, as you heal. Everybody here will be cheering for you…you do have a kind heart.
Someday I’ll tell you about my neighbor. He did some serious stuff with prison time, and told me about it and his “mistakes”. His “P” parasites are gone. I’ll probably give him a key to my house and let him feed my cat if I don’t board her out. He’s got a kind heart, too.
kindheart48,
I’m glad you have sympathetic, supportive people backing you up. I don’t know if you feel this, but there are a lot of people who care about you, and that’s because they think you’re worth caring about.
This is really important for you to know right now. You are worth caring about. You deserve it. Not for all the good things you’ve done for other people. But because you’re valuable in yourself. You are a valuable person.
Beyond that, you are courageous. That big heart of yours isn’t only kind. It’s strong. You have taken so many steps to help yourself. You keep moving forward. The fact that you have some stumbles doesn’t change the big picture. Everyone stumbles. You are not alone, not in any part of this.
When I think of all the things I did in my life to try to deal with my pain and confusion, I think I’m lucky not be in prison, dead or a full-blown addict. A lot of what I did was impulsive, or something I viewed as a way of paying myself back for what I’d gone through. So when I say, you’re not alone, I mean it, and there are a lot of other people who have histories or are still struggling with self-destructive strategies to relieve their pain.
You know you’re still healing, don’t you? And you don’t have the luxury of just dropping everything and concentrating on nothing else. You have to present some kind of front to the world so that you can do some of the things you have to do. But behind that front you’re still working on healing, and that’s the biggest reality of your life.
Your letter talked about letting go and the grief you feel. I remember the first post of yours that I read and your were really angry, outraged and demanding that everyone share that outrage (which we did with great enthusiasm, because your ex is clearly a jerk). Now perhaps you’re moving into the next stage.
All of the stages, letting go is probably the most nerve-wracking, the most challenging. It’s not just the fact that we have to give up our illusions, but that giving up those illusions calls into question some basic beliefs that we used to run our lives. And if those beliefs are wrong (because we see they didn’t work to protect us), then we have to start wondering about who we are without them. This is a lot of losses, layered one on top of the other.
We don’t give up this stuff easily. There is a lot of internal dialog about what’s right and wrong, as well as a lot of grief about lost investments we made based on those beliefs. In this stage, people often describe themselves as depressed, but it’s not the depression of self hatred. It’s the depression of seeing a lot of things we took for granted moving away from us, and feeling something like abandoned, not by anyone in particular, but more like abandoned by the authorities in our own mind. They turn out to be wrong, and we don’t exactly know what to do next.
It might help to just be honest with yourself about this. There’s a lot you don’t know right now. And that’s normal at this stage. There are a lot of sayings about getting rid of what isn’t useful anymore to make room for the new. But until the new arrives, you’re a little short of resources. Part of this stage is getting used to that.
What makes this stage hard is holding on. And all of us do a lot of holding on, until we finally surrender to the fact that it isn’t doing any good. Once we learn how to surrender to change in ourselves the first time, it gets easier afterward.
If you accept the fact that it’s really over with him and he doesn’t care, then it’s easier to accept the fact that being a nice, generous person no matter what happens hasn’t proven to be a successful survival strategy for you. Don’t worry about what that means for who you are going to be in the future. That will just appear for you, when you’ve fully processed the loss. For right now, just deciding to let it go is all you need to do. It may take a few days or even weeks for some of these decisions to work their way through your emotional system, but when they do, you’ll find yourself breathing easier.
I hope this makes sense, and I hope it’s helpful at this particular moment in your healing.
Beyond being the loving and generous person you know you are, you are strong and brave. That’s why you’re here. Everyone here is strong and brave, although not all of us know it yet. You’re here because your decision to get well is stronger than anything that stands in its way.
We’re with you. Don’t worry about the small stuff.
Namaste.
Kathy
Thanks so much everyone for not judging me. I forgot i unpluggedmy phone in the early morn hours to get some sleep as i over medicated which i now wish i would have just struggled through it but it’s done. I got a phone cal from a nice girl who got away from AA a she met a guy on this dating site here called Plenty of Fish, she couldn’t ell him she was alcoholic and that she had just got out of a rehab facility and was doing well. I have known her off and on for approx 10 years and this is the second guy she got involved with from the dating site. This one when he saw how she drank brought her to a meeting while she was detoxing and i rem her clearly saying he’s amazing, just amazing helping me and bought my girls a game system and i thought too good to be true but i give benefit of the doubt and was hopefull , also bought her a 2 carat diamond withing months, then they purchased a new home. Well i less than a year , her drinking led her to hide if from him as he is a controller and the only place she said she could drink was in the car. She got into an accident with her new leased car hitting a mercedes so has to pay for damages to both vehicles. She hasn’t been able to stay sober since the day he showed up like prince charming with wine and made a fancy dinner and giving her girls (CAS involved at this point too with her exhusbnd) as she thought she could have a couple of glasses of wine like a normal drinker with dinner. In 10 months or less he’s had her declare bankruptcy, suggested she go on welfare and use my address(i don’t even know the assholes name) . She tried calling me serveral times this morn and i felt bad as i had unplugged my phone (i left her mess different times just to keep in touch) as she was desperate to have someone sit in court with her as she bought a 12 pack of beer yest and was detoxing terribly. This guy she’s with also had her sign a contract stating that if she drank he could hav her removed from this new home that is for sale(she put 30 grand in from divorce) and he the same. He chastized her for putting makeup on and doing her hair and said you and that shelly can do your hair together. The poor thing just wanted to look presentable while she’s sick and detoxing right in court. Then she said she looked around and all the women had makeup on and hair done and could i relate, he’s got her quesioning something so basic. He took the contract to her divorce lawyer and dropped it off so the poor thing is thinking they are going to remove her on Mon. She had a man from duty council help her and she was crying telling me how helpful and nice he was telling her she can overcome this and helped her through it. I’m there to support her but i know im powerless where the alcohol is concerned and now her daughters don’t even want anything to do with her. She was raised in the states and in a bad alcoholic home as i rem her telling me some of what it was like. You know she ws doing so well when she came out of treatment and mr. amazing has turned out to be another Nightmare. I said i know you have your problems just as i do and shared my court crap coming up but i said you know it’s wrong the way he is treating you. Sometimes i wonder what the hell has happened to people but i’m sure grateful for all of you and that you don’t judge me , i’ve cried so much the last couple of days, grief , sadness anger and disapointment with myself but that lawyer was right and we can overcome these things but it’s such hard work. Thank all of you for your encouraging posts. I can’t wait to tell my physicatrist how helpful you all have been. I went to get my son some kfc chicken and i saw the s at his mothers and im having diff feelings as if i don’t want to know you anymore, you are no good for me instead of that compulsion or draw to him. that’s a little improvement im hoping. thanks to you all so much
Kindheart – What a story. Your friends journey is a very challenging one. Shes lucky to have you as a support person. Have you share LF with her? As much as Im sure we all wish we can be and can do for others to help them through – we all must remember we have to be and do for ourselves first and that others have to be and do for themselves first and foremost. Your friend has her hands full and she is very lucky to have you supporting her..but I encourage you to remain and stay focused on all you have weighing in your own hands. While encouraging her toward her own healthy recovery. Glad you have a supportive lawyer who is helping you. And hopefully your psychiatrist can adjust those sleep altering meds. Going from feeling to drawn to something “bad” for you to feeling you dont want him in your circle of life anymore is a BIG improvement. Keep on that track. Looking forward to hearing how your first day goes at the bank when youre there. Take care.
hey guys, just got home. Went to a coffee house with a friend and when we were driving by a local bar (the s is the new mortgage holder) his truck was there and it got the obsession going againg (who is he with what woman etc.) i just hate it and i know i shouldn’t care but im not there yet. There is nothing to care about so it’s so frustrating. Im still tempted to take that dam cd of music and drop it off here i go again.
Rune, I certainly understand the dilemma of trusting people on the internet, especially after what we’ve been through. I feel a little more trusting of people on this site, but being so trusting is what got me into trouble in the first place.
Kindheart, I would never judge you. I’ve shoplifted several times in my life (my parents actually condoned it) and have done many many things I’m not proud of. Those things do not define who we are as people. I also think you have a lot of courage for standing and facing down your demons. I admire this quality in a person more than just about any other.
Kindheart,
I totally relate to your feelings re seeing his car at a bar and wondering who he is there with etc..I’m still in a place where I wouldn’t be able to see him without having the “butterflies”. Even when I see a car like his, I look twice. The name of the town where he lives triggers a certain feeling in me. Guys with his name, same pangs. Shows we used to watch, same pangs. Things in life we used to complain about, same thing…on and on. It will be a while, I’m only 3 mths NC.
Today, I was looking at pictures of us (bad, I know) on an internet CD I have (I was cleaning my files), and I took special notice of how he was preening in each shot, how he was “working” the pose, namely to maximize his handsomeness. All about him reaked of hyperboly, fake charm, positioning and attempts at seduction. Came through loud and clear on the pics.. Hadn’t noticed as much when I was wrapped up in his charm.
Proof of progession for me. Mask is now off for good.
Kindheart, I know this is hard to do, but you have to stay away from the places you S is likely to be found. Take a longer route if you have to. It doesn’t matter what he is doing. But if you see or hear anything about him, it will trigger all the bad feelings. You need to take care of yourself right now. This will take a huge act of will, sweetie, but put yourself and your own healing first! NO CONTACT!!!