I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Kathy:
I agree. The phone definitely helps if you’re trying to figure out what’s going on. And as far as knowing with the S, by the end did I know the deal. And I’m so glad I’m not there anymore.
It’s funny, with this new guy I saw the other night. I called him and thanked him for a very nice evenng out and to ask him out to dinner. He was actually appreciative that I called him.
When I realized that, I realized how impersonal we’ve gotten as a society. Shoot of an email. Leave a message when you know the other person isn’t going to be available to take your call. Not only ways to avoid interpersonal interaction, but ways to avoid responsbility. And to be completely careless and reckless with another person’s feelings. Passive aggressive behavior at its best.
I remember when S tried to “break up” with me by text. Of course, I now realize that this was his game to test the line to make sure I was good and hooked. And boy was I. The next morning, after walking around his block for hours in the freezing cold he hit me up for money. And out came my checkbook.
My new policy is no more long emails. No more texts. No more IMs. Definitely no more “arguing” by text. And never will I accept an “I love you” by text. If you’ve got something to say to me — say it. And vice-versa. Maybe that makes me a dinosaur.
henry:
When I read your post, all I thought was how S would always text with the generic “hey there”. I honestly don’t think he knew my name. Also, by keeping it generic, it kept him from screwing up — like your’s did.
Dear Henry!!!!
I don’t think you told us about THAT ONE BEore!!!! LOL “Robert!” ROTFLMAO (though I am sure you didn’t laugh at the time) But you know, that’s toooooo toooooo funny! What a dumb thing for him to do! DUMB!!! I wonder how many people have been caught by THAT stupid trap? Bunches I bet!
“Do you know who this is?????”
ROTFLMAO WAAAAAY tooo funny! Thanks for the laugh Henry! I needed one today!
Oxy _ I am so glad I made you laugh…yeah I think I have told everybody every little detail of my blissfull relationship with the imposter. I bet the newbies never read about me putting the X,s cellphone in the microwave for 4 second’s that sure put a damper on his day, he had no ideal that I did that, he just kept bangin the damn thing trying to make it work, he was so frustrated, no telling how many (appt.s) he missed that day….I was so bad – but ya know enuff was enuff….
i see all these younger people with cellphones – and blue tooths – those things you just hook on your ear, and blackberrys and lap tops – i went shopping one time and this lady was screaming~! (I want a divorce!) I thot she was talking to me, until I noticed that thing clipped on her ear. Take me back to the 70’s when life was simple. When people actually visited and had conversations,,,,yeah I am a dinosaur….
Say what you will about hand-free cellphones — they have made schizophrenia acceptable. Think about it. 20 years ago if you saw someone talking to themselves as you walked down the street, you’d cross it. No more.
OMG, Henry, what a classic story! He thought you were someone else? What a giant LOSER!
BTW, how is your new job?
Come to think of it, my sociopath and I conducted the majority of our relationship via phone and email (I do not text or even own a cell phone–I just refuse). We only ever had maybe 4 or 5 actual dates. So much of it was fantasy, longing and pining for someone who was unavailable, and waiting for him to become available. It’s amazing how your mind can create romance out of next to nothing. You want something so badly that your mind just fills in the gaps….
I don’t “text” either, didn’t even get the service on my cell plan. If I want to communicate with someone I call them, don’t get them, leave a voice message…wait for the call back.
We lose so many “dropped” calls out here though that we have a “family rule” that the one who MADE THE CALL is the one who calls back on dropped calls, that way we don’t end up calling each other’s voice mails.
I resisted getting a cell phone, but now I don’t even have a house phone or land line. Also have an air card so can get on the internet anywhere I can get a cell tower.
Hoping for DSL out here and should be here soon so that will make life better for my sons as they down load a lot and it takes forever (or is impossible on huge files) but it is in our county now so won’t be long before we have DSL service like all you people who live in “civilization.”
Yea, the guys walk around the house talking and I never know if they are talking on the phone or to me so it is kinda funny sometimes when I “answer” them and they are on the phone with the “blue tooths” (or is it blue TEETH for plural?) in their ears. I don’t do the blue tooth bit, just don’t talk and drive. If I have to make a call I pull over.
Yea, Henry, we are both “out of touch” and “old fog-ies” but that’s okay! And if either of us wants a DIVORCE, we will say it to their FACES not to the crowd at WAl Mart. LOL
I am going to cancel my cell phone acct. I will still have a home phone. I have terrible cell connection out here in the country and living in a metal home, if the cell rings I have to go outside and stand just so and hold my mouth just right. If’n you need me leave a message on that antique answering machine and I will get back to you asap. It’s hard to hide when you have a cell phone….
Matt, talking about no more long e-mails reminded me of one of the most embarrassing and interesting episodes of my life. I’m going to tell about it, but I don’t not want to hear about this for the rest of my life. Yeah, right. Okay here’s what I did.
Back in the first year of the relationship, when I really hated what was going on, but really liked a lot of things about it (if only he were different), I decided to get another guy who was like him, but a human being.
So I put an ad on Yahoo. It wasn’t my first profile, but it was the first time I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted. But understand, I was naive. I was smart enough to write a fairly generic post, because I already figured that that mentioning sex in any way shape, or form in an online profile triggered a wave of hopeful guys who imagine that if you can spell sex, you’re dying for it right this minute. But I got kind of carried away on the headline. I made it “Sensual Executive Seeks Protege.”
In three days I had almost 400 replies. I think it must have been some kind of Yahoo record. And I was totally honest about everything, including my age. They came from 17-year-olds who claimed to have older woman fantasizes. They came from guys in their 70s and 80s who basically wanted to say “you go, girl.” And as it turned out (because I answered every one), about 80 percent of them came from married men. Including one friendly guy from Long Island who was a semi-pro and was writing a book for married guys looking for fun on the Internet.
It was an incredibly interesting experience, because it was a an opportunity to see what kind of people were out there, as well as a chance to “market test” myself endlessly to see what they responded to. I had abouat ten dates with guys who, more or less, seemed to be what I was looking for. None of them turned out to be, or rather I was unable to extricate my head from the relationship with the sociopath.
But one thing I did learn was about the use of e-mails to avoid anything else happening. Not by me (though I did), but by many people who really don’t want real human contact. They want cyber sex. They want to hem and haw. They want to ask you just another half dozen questions about your favorite color or your astrological sign. I discovered that e-mails could be used as a kind of wall. Or perhaps a weak sociopathic technique for jerking people around.
This was also where I learned to hate IM-ing. The people who wanted to do it seemed really aggressive. Pushing for instant intimacy, being funny in ways that felt intrusive. I couldn’t think fast enough to respond, and I just stopped doing it.
If it was any kind of education, it was about how truly weird it is to try to establish a relationship in that kind of venue. I actually found a long-term relationship online back in the early 80s, when it was all beginning, but things were different then. It all felt more personal and edgey. This was just a lot of people trying to act like this was normal, when it was anything but.
Three days and 400 reply’s? Will you write up a profile for me? come up with some catchy screenname? I think I have had 3 replys in 400 days. I just hate filling out those profile things, it’s like trying to sell myself to the mass’s. And at 54 unless you have money or a huge ego your just a has been…Guess I can be a street peddler with a sign WILL WORK FOR LOVE………..