I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Kathy – Now thats one brave “Sensual Executive” LOL – You go girl – Towanda! Ill never mention that post again! LOL. Winner Post of The Day!!!! Possibly the year ..
Re: texting..
ME: 11:05pm – S, please dont text me again, its a waste of my time. You live in textland. It is not normal. I will not respond.
S : 11:06 pm – Text you tomorrow!
IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME TO HIM, SOMETHING FUN TO ENTERTAIN HIM AND PASS HIS TIME AWAY.
Henry!!!! BOINK!!! GEt off that internet dating thing before I come through this screen and really get you good!
The sign thing, now that has some promise! Maybe I will even try that! I could ride down the street on Fat Ass and lead Hairy and have a sign hanging from the pack saddle on Hairy’s back (one on each side) advertizing. It could say something like:
“Crusty old bat, seeks 30 year old, rich, good looking, young guy for LTR” How does that sound? Or maybe Kathy could write me a good PR profile for my sign?
If it works, then I could rent out Fat and Hairy to others for their signs. I think I have just figured out a new source of income, renting the jacks out!
Just post a sign that says firmly in ground that says : Farm Cougar … 5 miles ahead…make left at farm, just look for the one in a pink tutu waving her frying pan! ps. Jackasses need not apply, 3’s a crowd!!!!
well hells bells – all my life I have been wainting for my prince on a white horse and what do I get? a crusty ole bat on a jack ass………..lmao
OMG, you guys are so funny. I left my computer, because I just couldn’t believe I told you that story. Thought for sure I’d ruined my reputation for good. I just came back to face the music. Nice to know you’re making such hay with it.
Kathleen Hawk….So is that position still open? Did you get my “updated resume”? It was professionally prepared and guaranteed to get me the job.
Guess I’ll get my money back….do you know of any “gigolo” positions open? I had references, but the parchment is kinda crumbling and that ink, from the inkwell, it’s faded and hard to read. Maybe a museum could restore them.
hello guys, i have a confession to make, i initiated contact with the s yest an d i feel so guilty, like i’ve betrayed all of you. iwant to honest with all of you. thing is i went back again for all the same stupid reasons, why were you so cheap with me and not others? and all i ca n say is every time i do this i see cearly what he is not capable of and i think it’s not just him that i want it’s that i would rather be with the devil you know sort of crap. I compare every guy to my ex and none measure up and i don’t think i’ll ever let another guy get close so that’s why i keep letting myself get drawn back to him familiarity and he can’t have sex and i know this sounds stupid but i see more and more that he is just pitiful and not capable of anything i need but then on the other hand i won’t gve any guy a chance. I know we need to take the time in between but i can’t help but think that this is never going to end as it’s more not about trusting someone else or even giving another man a chance at all. Hit me with the skillet as i know i will want to hit myself when i come down again to the hard reality.
Well, Jim, having basically been supporting a gigolo for five years, I have to tell you that I fell I could have done much better by investing my money in a parrot that I could have trained to say a few nice things to me, a big dog to warm the bed, and some nifty items from the adult shop. That would have left over about $125,000 that this mope probably cost me (not counting living on my retirement money when I had to stop working for a year and a half to get over it). With that money, I could have hired someone who’s only job would have been to teach me to have more fun.
The thing about gigolos is that they’re really sulky and hate their bosses. When I was in LA with the pretty boy in tow, I wasn’t the only one. And they all acted like teenaged boys forced to squire their mother around when they’d rather be drag-racing down Sunset with the other kids. (I frankly couldn’t blame them, but this guy was attached to me like a tick, when he wasn’t doing a disappearing act.)
You, however, are not gigolo material. Sorry to break it to you. You’re too grown up, too generous, too empathetic, too comfortable with yourself. I have a sneaking suspicion that you actually pay your own way, which absolutely disqualifies you from the get-go. And I suppose you don’t have a sporty convertible and Armani wardrobe you’re last girlfriend gave you? And you haven’t perfected the Zoolander pout? Nope, you’re not acting serious about this career.
I think you’re just going to have to settle for some nice girl who wants a smart, funny, warm-hearted guy who can share expenses. Someone who appreciates you and is blown away by her good luck. It may not be as glamorous as pretending to like someone you despise in all the capitals of Europe, but it’s probably more fun in the long haul.
And me? I don’t sleep with dependents anymore. Not dependent on me for money. Not for their self-esteem or their emotional security or their meaning of life. I don’t do that, and I don’t want it.
I’m still trying to figure out what I do what, but it’s something like a peer collaborator. Someone who’s good to plan and do things with. Maybe someone who shares my passion and my level of risk tolerance for messing with the foundations of various structures of authority. Although a cheerleader who wiped my weary brow and had a snack ready when I came home from the front would be okay too. I’d like someone who’s a better person than me, and who feels the same way about me. But one way or another it would be some who thinks I’m hot and feels grateful to have me, and vice versa.
Am I ready for that? And is there actually someone my age who’s available and likes classic blues (the other criteria)? I guess I’ll figure that out, if he shows up.
Meanwhile, you should really frame that resume, right next to your divorce decree. And maybe hang a head of garlic over it. On dark nights of the soul, it might give you a laugh.
Guys,
You know the thing is that we are getting to the point now with our healing that we can laugh at ourselves, poke gentle fun at each other, and ENJOY LIFE AGAIN —and make bad puns! (Kathy, the “make hay” thing was cute!)
BEing able to laugh at our own short comings and the dumb things we do (Note to Henry: Like get on an internet dating site) and to see ourselves in a funny light, not just the TRAGIC one, is so healing. Feeling comfortable enough with each other to poke gentle fun (without walking on egg shells and risking provoking either a hurt or a rage) is also what friendship is all about.
It is so nice here at LF that we have morphed into a community, not only of “therapy” and tragedy, but one of friendship and laughter. In my early days on the “road to Healing” I sure wasn’t laughing about much, and if I did it sure wasn’t laughing at myself for my foibles. The fact that I have a bad case of CRS (can’t remember chit) worried me horribly and made me wonder if I was losing my mind and/or going senile! My therapist finally administered and IQ test to reassure me, and I passed actually with a higher score (by one point) than I had ever done. I still have CRS, but I’m “smart”–oh, well! So, my sons continually “make fun” of my CRS and I can make fun of my CRS, and make fun of them when they have CRS too. My forgetting something is no longer a tragedy. I am somewhat less CRS than I was in the acute stages of the PTSD, so I am “better” than I was, but I will probably always have it to some extent, but it is no longer the END OF THE WORLD, it is now, just a funny part of me that I don’t worry about any more. I can laugh at it and work around it by writing lists (and then forgetting where I put the list!)
The same way I no longer want to cry when I look in the mirror and see an “old woman” instead of the pretty 20 year old I used to be! The wrinkles are still there on my face now, but they no longer make me want to cry, because they no longer DEFINE me as something I don’t want to be.
Way to go, guys! You are all so awesome!!! ROTFLMAO
kindheart48, you’re still bargaining. That’s all. Bargaining with him. Bargaining with reality.
It’s okay. It’s a learning phase. You went back, took another look. So you could think about it. You’re still resisting the logical conclusion of the information you already have. It’s not unusual to want to go back and see if you missed something.
The only bad thing about this is that is keeps the “triggers” in action. Every contact with him tickles those little switches in your brain that are addicted. Doesn’t necessary turn them on all again, not with the way you’re doing it. These little passing contacts to see if he hasn’t miraculously turned back into Mr. Wonderful. But it makes it a little slower to detox. (If you’re at all tempted to buy into his needy stories or to volunteer to help him, then it is dangerous you, and that’s when NC is crucial.)
The other thing you doing is really good. Asking yourself why this, and why that about his behavior. At some point, you’re going to figure out that he’s a total jerk. And that all these “why” questions are really something in you that wants fairness, consideration, respect and gratitude from him. And you’ll start getting seriously angry that you’re not getting what you deserve. What anyone would deserve, even if they weren’t as caring and willing to be there for him as you were.
To speed this process along, you might try replacing all your “why” questions with “what’s wrong with him?” The answer to that question is not all his sad stories about his background, his health or his needs. The answer to that question is that he’s a jerk. Not a nice person. Someone who treats other people like crap. Someone who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and who leaves trashed lives in his wake.
It will be good when you get to that point, and stop worrying if it’s something about you. The only thing about you is that you gave the wrong guy a chance, and it’s really hard for you to believe you made such a big mistake.
But we all do it. So don’t feel like you’re alone.
It will get better. Don’t beat yourself up.
Kathy